<p>Wow, blossom, awesome post and insight.</p>
<p>Maybe some of you don’t have teenagers but just because we tell him what to do doesn’t mean it’s going to happen. And, just because we force him, with our legal authority as parents of a minor, to drop classes that we think are unnecessary doesn’t mean that he will transfer the time that would have been spent on the dropped class(es) to English. It was quite clear to me that if we had dropped classes for him, he would not have done any more of his English work and may have done even less. Again, he’s a teenager, biologically impaired from making rational decisions. My gut feel is that he just didn’t want to take English this year. Yes, it’s a required course and we all have to do things we don’t like at times, whether it’s at work or in school or at home, it’s a lesson that he needs to learn. He needs to learn from his mistake. He needs to decide what he really wants to do. I am convinced that the problem is not a fear of going away to college. The counselor we saw didn’t see that as the issue either. He didn’t meet with S but neither did anyone here and we spoke to the counselor for many, many hours about this issue. We can’t force him to talk to anyone. The counselor recommended against making him go to a counselor unless he wanted to. Even if we forced him to go, we can’t force him to talk or listen. We made several suggestions of several other people he could talk to. He did talk to his guidance counselor but she initiated that. She even had a intervention sort of thing where the teachers on the National Honor Society counsel met with S one morning and tried to get through to him. It won’t work unless he decides he wants to figure out what is causing him to sabotage himself, if that’s what he’s actually doing rather than simply avoiding something he doesn’t like to do. </p>
<p>Three things happened around last September and I’m not sure which had the most impact on his behavior, or even if any of them had any affect. He started his senior year, he started dating a new girlfriend and he got some freedom by getting his driver’s license. </p>
<p>He is a kid that never had any problems in school and believed he could handle any amount of work. He breezed through AP classes, took BC calc as a sophomore and blew it away. He took multivariable calc and linear algebra as a junior (the only junior in the class) and got the award for having the highest grade in the class. He took on more than he could handle and handled it by ignoring the class he likes the least despite it being a required class. I bet most of us can remember a time we put off something in favor of doing something we like better even though the less-liked task was more urgent. I know I have. While there was one action of sabotaging himself this year, there were many more that weren’t - good grades, even some stellar grades, in his other classes, working towards getting into college and getting scholarships, taking care of everything that needs to be done to go to UAB in the fall since being accepted. All of his actions need to be considered, not just the one. </p>
<p>One thought - as excited as he is about UAB, he had a hard time turning down MIT. We told him he’d have to get a ROTC scholarship for us to be able to afford it (that’s how I went) and he decided against that. He still was sad about turning them down. And, yes, he knew about the financial limitations before he completed a single college application.</p>
<p>Bottom line, I believe he over-committed himself, got into a deeper hole than he realized and didn’t know how to ask for help because he’d never faced anything like this. If he’s learned his lesson, I believe he will do fine at college this fall. If he hasn’t, he won’t. There’s no way to tell other than trying the next step if UAB allows it.</p>
<p>I’d also like to publicly thank those who have messaged me privately about other kids that have simply gotten in too deep. I appreciate the support and knowing that a kid can learn from over-committing and get through it.</p>
<p>Agree that adults have done some enabling. I think it was mentioned that one of the classes he is taking is an online class, maybe CTY? Someone had to pay for that…</p>
<p>When my D1 got in trouble with grades at one point in high school, we had a family conference and went over all of her activities and classes. We required her to give up SOMETHING because her grades were not acceptable. She chose two of her activities and dropped them. One was a team sport that she dropped out of in mid-season and never returned to. The point is that adults DO have some control in this situation, and do deserve some responsibility. For a student younger than his class in particular, you gotta be the bad guy and parent them sometimes.</p>
<p>Beerme, I actually think you might be right and he will be allowed to scrape a “C” somehow. And… I’m gonna say, this kid does sound like kind of an immature jerk. I wouldn’t want to have him in the house for the next year, either.</p>
<p>I’m late,to this thread…but I think a STRUCTURED gap year is a good idea. The student had a class where he had a number of zeros…presumably because he did not complete work. He was given opportunities to complete these assignments and didn’t do so. He is failing the course.</p>
<p>If he goes,to college, NO ONE will be chasing after him for assignments that are not complete. He will not be given numerous chances to make up the work.</p>
<p>I would want to correct WHY this is happening before I just sent this young man off to college. Unless he is willing to take some ownership for this issue and seek some help in correcting it…I would NOT send him to college. Think of it this way…if you parents,we’re spending YOUR hard earned money, would you send this kid to college now? Probably not. I guess what I’m saying is…don’t waste the university’s money by sending a student who can NOT be counted on to complete,the work. It’s a waste of money, and a recipe for failure.</p>
<p>Have you considered something like Americorps? Or another service type year?</p>
<p>Assume the child gets lucky ends up on campus at UAB come fall…
Then what?
How will he cope with the freedom? The responsibilities! The workload ? Classes he doesn’t want to take? If he plays the same game, he will lose his scholarship.</p>
<p>Then what?</p>
<p>OP, I think you have it backwards-you’re getting the response you’re getting BECAUSE we have or recently had teenagers (of course, or why would we be here?). Many of us have also been through some level of the same situation, and many of us have bright kids who took a wrong turn or two. You’re getting good advice, but you’re also justifying your son’s actions to some extent and ignoring what many of us are saying are warning signs for the upcoming year.</p>
<p>I’m very familiar with gifted kids, and I have both an ex and a current H who fit that definition. It’s not uncommon for a very bright kid to opt out completely when faced with the first experience of real failure or challenge (or both). They can do this even while excelling in other areas and while insisting that they need no help or won’t take it if offered. </p>
<p>No one is saying your son isn’t capable of doing very well-there’s ample evidence that he can. He did, however do everything in his power to fail to graduate at all, never mind as valedictorian this year. That’s a pretty big red flag about his ability to handle college out of state in a very demanding major at a very young age next fall. YOU may think he’ll do just fine there and HE may saying he can. But he hasn’t just failed. He’s failed to take second and third chances to turn in work to ENSURE he fails. Some part of him WANTS to fail, and if you send him out to college (assuming they still take him) without his working to understand why, you may have a repeat of this year on your hands.</p>
<p>If the merit scholarship is the way you are planning to fund this person’s education, it is important that the opportunity not be wasted by a student who is not ready to be independent and complete all his work and turn it in WITHOUT parents or anyone else looking over his shoulder.</p>
<p>If he isn’t able to articulate what went wrong and what concrete steps he’ll be taking to address the issue and problems, I would NOT allow this young man to go far away to college and think a STRUCTURED gap year makes a great deal of sense. One thing that student can do for starters is go to a professional counselor to talk about the situation, what’s going on and what will change. Absent that, can’t think it will improve next year when he’s further from home and NO ONE is giving him extra chances or looking out so he doesn’t fall through cracks.</p>
<p>Have also read that sudden behavior changes and drop in grades CAN be a side effect of drug use/abuse, which is something worth thoroughly considering. Drugs & alcohol are very accessible in most colleges as well.</p>
<p>There are countless explanations for the son’s behavior . I suspect it was just reacting to a Kobayashi Maru situation with so many classes that it was impossible to be successful at all of them. The parent’s all or nothing style expressed in the OP may have related to the son’s style of doing extremely well in some and extremely poorly in one, rather than balancing it with mediocre results in many classes or dropping classes.</p>
<p>It’s obviously not the end of the world. He may or may not lose the scholarship, but I expect there is still a very good chance of going to UAB, considering how far his stats are above most at UAB. I understand that the scholarship is for $9k, which can be easily made up in loans/jobs. However, the year shows that trying to take on classes while also having a part time job may go very poorly.</p>
<p>I’d suggest being supportive and not making comments similar to those expressed in this thread such as, " If he loses his acceptance and scholarship, I don’t believe he will ever go to college", “cost him his entire future”, "He may get that wish to work at Subway, if they’ll even hire him. "… And instead listening to his plan. He’s obviously a bright kid, and the OP said he thinks he has all the answers, so he most likely has a plan. Talk with the GC and see if the plan is plausible, and try to get everyone on the same page. This includes understanding why the problems occurred and why college won’t repeat. It may be as simple as taking a more reasonable schedule, or it may require more complex preventative measures.</p>
<p>You seem very invested in how gifted your son is- how well he did in Calculus at a young age, his terrific college acceptances, etc. All of which is wonderful. But your son needs to know that you love him and support him even if/when he’s not a superstar, and even when he’s not racking up “great parenting points” for you and despite all your interventions, counseling, talking to his GC, I don’t see any of that reflected in your posts.</p>
<p>And your point that had the school simply not allowed him to register for such a heavy load it wouldn’t have guaranteed that he spent more time on English- yeah, of course. You can’t sit with him all day. But my point was that the grownups in your S’s life had an opportunity to save him from himself.</p>
<p>I am late to this thread but the title -calling out Val is very telling.</p>
<p>It seems to me that control was lost last year when he was allowed to create this schedule of too many classes and not enough focus on the requirements. My guess is there was a measure of pride that he would be the first Val with this particular accomplishment. </p>
<p>Senioritis is very real. D herself is graduating this year and has put off every assignment until the very last minute. Friends and anxiety over leaving everything behind seem all consuming at times. </p>
<p>You love your son that is clear. I do agree with blossom. Now is the time to back off. Love him. Give advice when asked but you cannot continue creating distance between you. </p>
<p>D attends an honors school and we see many high achieving students burnout. They are more than academic accomplishments and many kids are driven to the breaking point by themselves or their parents trying to out do the others. Who cares that he was kicked out of NHS? At this stage do you even care what his calc grades were if he isn’t going to graduate? In the scheme of things does Val really matter? </p>
<p>You have a lot to be proud of with your sons accomplishments. Own your part of this-10 classes is insane. Reflect on all the non academic accomplishments and joy he has brought you over the years. Then remove yourself from the situation and let it play out. I think now is the time to love him unconditionally warts and all.</p>
<p>It takes an awful lot of effort for a very smart kid to totally fail a highschool class.
Even in their least favourite subject, that they have the least aptitude for. </p>
<p>Whatever is going on with your son, I hope he can reconcile it with himself sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>You mentioned earlier that your son probably wouldn’t have focused more on English work even if his workload had been less. (The story is familiar – I have a younger brother who is the same way in all his classes, which is even more frustrating.) But the thing to consider is that he is choosing not to pass that class. If he thinks he got a 5 on the exam, then he can write, so it’s not that. If he has a 22 average, that’s not the result of struggling – that’s the result of checking out completely, and simply not turning in work at all. If he put in even 1/4 of his typical effort, it’s likely that he could EASILY pull off a C.</p>
<p>I don’t think the parents or GC are necessarily to blame for not blocking that schedule. I had a similar schedule this year, and adults tried to talk me out of it, but I held my ground and insisted that I could do it. It’s hard to say no to a kid who’s trying to work at their potential.</p>
<p>The problem is that he seems to have an immature and unrealistic idea of what he has to do. Honestly, if he is allowed to graduate – and keep the scholarship – without making up the work for English, that would be unfair to all the students who worked hard to keep their grades up and graduate in good standing. He seems to think the requirements don’t apply to him.</p>
<p>Good luck handling this. My advice is to avoid justifying or explaining his actions because really, he made all the choices to arrive where he is. I would advise trying to figure out why he made those choices – burnt out, depressed, etc.</p>
<p>And going a step further as Luisa(and others) touched on- saying kid was “overloaded” with courses is just an excuse, not a reason. It may be true that even if a couple elective classes were dropped that student might not have spent more time on English. However, student would have had more time available, and more opportunity available- but parent and student would have one less excuse to use for poor performance. Student and parents chose to keep the “overloaded” excuse rather than opening up the opportunity for student to do better.
As I said, even if the student had not done better, at least the opportunity would have been there. As it is, now the parent can only wonder- “what if we had stepped in to make an adjustment rather than letting a 16 yr old control all his own life?”</p>
<p>All valedictorians graduate, no? One who does not graduate is obviously not Val.</p>
<p>Patesq: I find it odd that there’s no note of parent culpability regarding your son’s predicament. You as his parent share in responsibility for your son’s probable failure to graduate. When I read that “24 credits are needed for graduation but son’s taken 40”, I assume that his extreme schedule overload was done with your knowledge and concurrence. You seem very vested in his otherwise stellar academic performance, perhaps overidentifying with his achievements, seemingly without consideration of extreme workload and stress this has placed upon your son. Did he do so to please you? Honestly? Your posts suggest that you feel this is solely his problem and his failure, without recognition that as a parent we’re supposed to steer our teens specifically to avoid just such a catastrophe.</p>
<p>Sounds like your son is a good kid and a gifted student who’s subconsciously rebelling against the parental message of extreme academics. It’s a willful choice to not turn in homework. My sympathies are with your son. Time to rethink the parental message, reduce the pressure on your son, take the summer school course, graduate at the end of summer. I’m unsure what UAB is, but it’s worth explaining situation to admissions office to see if acceptance and scholarship can be salvaged, with a great deal of acknowledged parental cupability for allowing situation to occur in first place.</p>
<p>I’ve been following this thread and hesitant to chime in. I most agree with what blossom has written. Almost every kid has some level of senioritis. We had a come-to-Jesus moment this year over our ds’s failing Stats grade this spring. He buckled down, turned in the missing work and ended up with a high B. Your ds’s repeated refusal to salvage his English grade, IMO, is indicative of something deeper. Drugs? Alcohol? Depression? Girl distraction? Afraid to leave home? I don’t know what the problem is, but chances aren’t great that he’ll move away from home and it’ll resolve itself.</p>
<p>I was a super-bright 17yo HS graduate, and my parents kept me home for two years and made me go to junior college. I’m thankful they did. I’m sure I would have been fine, but those two years of seasoning were probably a good thing. </p>
<p>I think we as a society equate academic ability with emotional maturity, and that’s just not the case.</p>
<p>ETA: I meant to add that several years ago the val at my sons’ HS almost didn’t graduate because he didn’t complete a graduation requirement – think something like health or speech. He hadn’t taken it previously partly because he thought it was beneath him and partly because it wasn’t a weighted class and so would ding his GPA. :rolleyes: Anyway, he waited until the last semester of his senior year to take it online and then couldn’t pass the final. There’s a limit to how many times you can take it and the timeframe. He managed to squeak in.</p>
<p>I think more needs to be looked at in regard to having to decline an admission to MIT. Son could extremely upset/furious over having to decline such an amazing offer due to financial situation that was obviously disclosed after admittance. To have gone through such a rigorous application process, and been admitted EA is truly quite an accomplishment. There surely must be conscious/unconscious behavior towards parents who would deny such an offer.</p>
<p>^^^OP posted that they discussed the financial situation fully with student before applications.</p>
<p>I missed that post, then. Just thought it was something to consider.</p>