How much anxiety is normal the first week at college?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Well my son just moved in, a week before classes start. We thought the extra time would help him acclimate to his new environment and housemates before having to deal with school. He's living in a cottage with a non-student roommate (who's rarely there) behind a large house full of 17 other students. They share meals in the evenings and he has complete access to the common rooms in the house (so he's not confined to the cottage). It's just a few blocks from the campus.</p>

<p>They haven't had orientation (for the house) yet and not everyone has moved in yet, and they haven't started the common meals yet, so he's been alone a lot more than I thought he would during these first few days. The housing co-op will be wonderful for him, of that I'm certain, since it is essentially a ready-made social circle, but he hasn't yet experienced the 'good' aspects of meeting lots of new friends, etc. Which may be why he's got more time to fret. I'm now wondering if moving in a week early was a good idea.</p>

<p>I know it's normal for them to have a mixture of excitement and trepidation, but just how much is 'normal'? It seems like he's having more anxiety than I thought he would and I'm concerned.</p>

2

<p>It depends on the person, starting college is one of the most life changing things possible. Remember when we start (I'm actually a first year law student, so this isn't too far in the past for me) we're moving away from everything we've ever known, and basically we are in a place where we have to completely start over. Not to mention having to worry about class and how they're going to be. So yeah, a good deal of anxiety is very normal.</p>

3

<p>Normal.
I remember the first week of college- I called my mom and said something like, "hey I'm not sure this was such a good idea..." and she just about had a heart attack.
A month later (heck, a week later), I'd forgotten all about that- having a great old time- but she hadn't! Poor mom.</p>

4

<p>Agreed. 110% normal. In fact, if he wasn't anxious/nervous/ready to cry, I'd worry.
I remember my first days last year. It was hard, with trying to get to know people to worrying about classes to trying to fit in to trying to learn the ropes. It was like kindergarten or preschool, all over again, only at this age you care about yourself and life a lot more, which makes it worse. However, as he begins to make a friend or two, venture out, get settled in classes, this anxiety will diminish. It will truely never go away. It begins again second semester, a tad less, for the same reasons plus some new ones (will my friends stay friends with me, will i survive another semester, i already suffered through last one so will this one be worse, etc). Heck, i'm going into my second year, but at a new school, and feel totally overwhelmed. But, he will succeed, fear not. It's those who try to cover up their feelings that in the end do horrible. It was probably good to move him in a tad early just so he can figure out some things on his own before his peers barge in. Check bck after a week or two of school, and then after 4-5 weeks. The anxiety will still be there, but will slowly subside :)</p>

5

<p>Even though I'm sure it is just adjusting to a new setting anxiety (It's human nature).</p>

<p>However, If your son can not adjust to college after several weeks this may be a severe indication that college is just not right for your son (College just does not work for some people).</p>

<p>It's not the end of the world. I personally never went to college and graduated HS with the lowest form of degree.</p>

<p>Yet, I make 85k a year from running 2 self made companies. </p>

<p>Just throwing my thoughts out there.</p>

6

<p>It's normal to have a lot of anxiety. After all, the student who moves away from home to go to college is having to completely change their whole life by: meeting new people; adjusting to a new living situation; being responsible for themselves in ways they never have before; having to make decisions about courses, friends, extracurriculars, etc.</p>

<p>For some normal students, adjusting can take the whole first semester. I anticipate, however, that things will get better for your son after orientation and classes start. Right now, he has no scheduled activities, and that void in his life is causing his anxiety to increase particularly since he hasn't been there long enough to have made friends.</p>

<p>Realize, too, that most students call home only when they are anxious. After they talk to you, their anxiety may have dissipated, but you may not realize that. Indeed, after they hang up, everything in their life may be going fine, but they won't call you to tell you that. So, take what you hear with a grain of salt. Listen, but don't buy into their angst unless it sounds very serious such as a students' saying or suggesting they are suicidal.</p>

7

<p>Maybe getting there a week early wasn't ideal for his personality, but I feel confident he will weather this and will respond happily when there are organized classes and ice-breakers etc.<br>
Encourgage him to participate...no matter how lame the opening activities for freshmen seem on paper for instance as it is truly fun to start on the "same page" with your class. That means hanging around on campus in the daytime hours and signing up for stuff. Tell him to stay open and to realize this is one of those weird "in-between" chapters in life when all but the extreme extroverts have many self doubts and insecurities. </p>

<p>In another semester, the introverted kids and the less crazily self confident kids emerge. Tell him to keep his eyes opened for other students who might not be the most social butterfly types but who may emerge as excellent friends as they get adjusted, too. These periods have their upsides as well...as sometimes standing back and trying to think about where you fit in is necessary as you leave one stage of life and go for the next era. </p>

<p>One thing I have told my sons when they leave us for a few weeks in the summers in high school is that managing being lonely is part of growing up and is perfectly normal. Tons of people are masking issues about being alone all the time in college whether it be in social situations, in dating situations or at parties, or even in the classrooms. I think my younger son who is contempletive found this little parental nugget to be useful to him as he did not have a perfect roommate situation...a very common problem in year one and two, and did not easily find his social circle the first time he left home. He still got a lot out of his month away, although he was lonely in spells. He ran, he read, and he showed up for group activities.</p>

<p>This next one I offer is pretty common as a nugget, too. But we find that both our sons weather adversity, lonliness, the risk of failure in a classroom, competition in class or socially..when they also exercise daily. One runs and the other uses a gym largely and neither are great athletes to say the least. But this truly sends all the right chemicals through the body when you are stressed by a new life and a new strange world. We see a difference in their coping skills when they stop working out..crankier and more negative.</p>

<p>I always spell out for my introvert son...that the key to social interactions is quite simple...focus on active listening and acknowledge what you know about the other person when you see them again, and give information about yourself quickly and in small amounts. Don't make other people your age or older "have to work real hard" to get to know you. Some boys need to have this spelled out because their position in their home town life has been basically given to them. Especially if you have grown up as mine have in a small community where being part of the group was a given and not particularly earned.</p>

<p>Lastly, I think NSM's reminder that some college students only call with problems and anxieties, then they hang up and likely have a wonderful time while you are left fretting, is so so true. Fine for now to coach the anxiety calls, but not the tone you want to memorialize for your contact as a routine. I recommend setting up a once a week time for a "how did the week go" phone call with parents so that you can exchange on a more constructive level re classes and just how things are going at home and at college. In my view, this is simply common courtesy for the Payees in college, and should be an expectation on a certain afternoon or evening or during the laundry visit weekly or whatever. This worked for us, as our son is not a "call home and tell us his daily news" person..although plenty of kids do that well. We were generally treated to a fairly good update this way, and it curbed us from attempting to get daily contact and reduced the number of times we pouted about "not being called." Our S doesn't call at all except for the weekly chat unless he has a problem. He needed space to figure out his life without our oversight. This summer he lived in a major city a few hours from us, and we actually moved forward to a more congenial relationship with him with chattier more frequent phone calls and some fun visits as he is moving forward and has his own friends and social circles settled. Freshman year is an "identity diffusion" episode for all but the weirdly mature, and parents are needed but in a new more distant way. Hopefully, freshman year is also weirdly fun and exhilarating, too.</p>

8

<p>Faline2's summary is great. I only added one more thing to my guys. Make sure you are getting some protein with meals and snacks. When blood sugar plummeted things always looked worse. Tendency in school was to have a lot of carbs. Oldest found he had to manage exercise and protein snacks to stay positive.</p>

9

<p>my son also dealt with not receiving grades he wanted. Until he changed his freshman 2am bedtime to 12ish nightly. Sleeping through breakfast and staying up till 2am is actually the "new normal" for the overly wired digital age 19 year old who is still online or text messaging till wee hours. Facebook alone consumes 2 hours a day for many newbies.<br>
3 squares a day, breakfast before 8:30 daily..sets up a much better body clock for uploading school work and memorization skills. My son finally learned to treat college like a 9-5 job. I am pretty sure he blows at least 24 hours each weekend, but by Sunday night he resumes a man in a grey flannel suit attitude towards class. For him this was necessary for survival at a school where everyone was at the top of their class before arrival. Yes, some kids can have terrible hours and make it, but my son had to resume hours similar to the 7am till midnight hours that produced a very good high school transcript. (Not that he didn't try socializing till 2am and studying after lunch only..didn't work for him.)</p>

10

<p>I just spoke with him and he definitely sounded better than he did yesterday. Nothing as serious as suicide, not nearly that bad, but yesterday he was expressing his doubts about whether he wanted to be there at all, and today he at least seems to be thinking of what he'll be doing next week...at college, meaning he seems to have gotten past the 'I'm not doing this' phase, thankfully. So there is improvement already, though he's still feeling very lonely and very anxious.</p>

<p>I agree that a lot of this is because he has not yet become part of anything and hasn't made any new friends yet. He's met only a few people and they aren't around much. His roommate is one of only 2 people in the house who aren't students, and unfortunately it doesn't look like they're going to hit it off. The roomie just hasn't been very friendly and is either gone or else keeps to himself. They have a room divider so it's almost like 2 separate rooms sharing a bathroom. </p>

<p>He is most definitely "the overly wired digital age (18) year old who is still online or text messaging till wee hours" and one of his biggest challenges right now will be to get his sleep schedule regulated so that he can reliably get himself up in the mornings for class. And that is made more difficult since he's using the gaming as a stress reliever.</p>

<p>Part of the problem is that, age-wise he is a freshman, but because of dual-credits (he was homeschooled) he has 41 hours and is classified as a sophomore, so many of the orientations, mentoring and social activities aren't open to him. He's just sort of on his own. He's not in a dorm, but in a co-op house with 17 other people (15 of whom are students) and that should open up a lot of social activities, but hardly anyone is around the house today, which I find surprising. I thought the house would be bustling with activity, but he says it's very quiet. I guess most of the kids are out getting their books or holed up in their rooms, either unpacking or too shy to venture out...? I told him to hang in there until the house orientation meeting tomorrow, and surely he will feel more a part of it then.</p>

<p>UT has so many clubs and organizations, probably the most of any school. But how would he find them? I know I've seen flyers on campus, and I told him to look for those, but isn't there usually some central directory of the various organizations?</p>

<p>Thanks for all your wonderful advice!</p>

11

<p>Leal, I am not familiar with UT but you can often find info on student activities and organizations online at most large schools. There is probably also a student center which is typically where students can get info on activities and clubs (probably even with an information desk, and at the beginning of the yr, many groups may even have tables set up to encourage students to join). That could be a good place to try to meet other people outside his house as well.</p>

12

<p>Maybe the coop is full of kids who don't participate in group activities themselves much either. Ask your son to take up one group activity now, not a commitment..just a few week deal. Maybe you can't take his gaming away from him at this age and certainly not this particular week, but he should be too busy with real people to spend time with video games.
I don't care if it is Frisbee competition group (my son joined a silly coed Dodge ball team tournament season with silly uniforms..and UT has tons of intermural teams) or a group that does volunteer work. Everyone is recruiting freshmen at this time for activities.<br>
UT probably has some cheesy Pep Club Organization he can join for a few dollars..my son joined his for something like 25 bucks and they give out Tshirts for different sports like every five minutes. Son then attended many sporting events (even girl teams!) with hall mates just to get the next pep sport Tshirt and sit with the group. Ask him to apply for a job at the Student Center. I am just throwing out ideas. I know this sounds smug, but gaming is just out for freshman year hours in my opinion. My son and his friends don't have televisions or have game stations of any kind in their rooms and are always on the move. They see some students who are gaming, but video games should be an infrequent guilty pleasure in my view. It is easy to find a TV or a video game now and then on the hall but if you don't own them....I would rather he be playing in a poker tourney on campus with other students.</p>

13

<p>maybe the coop housing isnt made up of freshman? Is thats so, they come and go,don't have to be n campus the same time as entering freshman and don't have scheduled activities to participate in.
If OP's S is in reality a freshman even with advanced standing credits,wouldnt he be invited to participate in the freshman activities? There should at least be an interest fair type of event where he can find out more about campus clubs and activities.</p>

14

<p>He's classified as a soph, got admitted as a transfer student. He hasn't really gotten any invitations to any events, other than to a party with the College of Natural Sciences (which he plans to attend). Do freshmen normally get invitations to various activities? Other than the Nat. Sci party all the activities he's found have been from the college main website. There are some events on Tues but not much til then. It's a bit awkward because he really could benefit from freshmen activities even tho he's not classified as a freshman.</p>

<p>What sort of 'scheduled activities' are normally offered to freshmen? If I had an idea of what to look for, maybe I could better guide him as to where to look for them. He was told he could attend the freshman camp even though he didn't technically qualify (but unfortunately it was full by the time he found out) so maybe they'd let him attend some other events too. </p>

<p>The co-op is mixed. There are some freshmen who are moving in this weekend, so hopefully he'll meet some of them at the co-op meeting tomorrow. </p>

<p>I just suggested to him that he start emailing the various student organizations that are listed on the website. He had planned to look into them after school starts but I think he should email them now... maybe some of them might have their first meeting this week...I agree that he should join some, and it doesn't really matter which ones, just join something.</p>

15

<p>Can't he simply show up to the freshmen activities? It's not as if they ask for an ID at the door of those events. Since he's a first time student there and has never been to college before, it's hard for me to imagine that he wouldn't be welcome at the freshmen events.</p>

<p>It also would be to his benefit to meet other freshmen since they're in the same situation that he's in: young and new.</p>

<p>My S's college has an activity fair scheduled tomorrow. That's when the clubs and other organizations solicit new members. Your S should check to see if his college offers such an activity because that would be a good way for him to connect with some organizations that interest him. Getting involved in campus activities usually is the best way to make friends.</p>

<p>I agree with you that he should e-mail the organizations now. They may have some activities going on this weekend, or some of the members may be willing to meet with him. Most organizations are very eager to attract members.</p>

16

<p>Depends on the child. I've known freshmen to have sobbing breakdowns the night before move in day and others to move in and seem to barely remember their families back home. Most are in-between and are apprehensive while excited about their new experiences. Some tears and very frequent calls back to home are quite normal the first week or few weeks, as are no tears and infrequent calls home.</p>

<p>Best wishes to your son. I'm sure he'll soon be wrapped up in his studies and with new friends soon enough. I know a good amount of freshmen who took some time to settle in to college life but now are enjoying it immensely and completely.</p>

17

<p>you know, I think UT has a fantastic gym/physical ed plant. They offer lots of classes that you can drift in and out of at will-- or take classes seriously for six weeks for tiny credit hours your S doesn't even need for his transcript. I got a kick out of seeing boys taking dance lessons, tango and salsa is a hot craze in big cities now for singles, and yoga and karate were going on when I was walking through the gym at my son's college. He won't do any of that although he is too dense to realize how many girls he would meet in those classes. But he does go lift free weights (NOT an Adonis at all..in a Division One school with many world class athletes, so he and his more average guys go together about three or four times a week) and do some machines for exercise. He has talked to us about his "friends" who spot for each other and how he has learned how to do the weights "properly" from other people at the gym, form being a learned skill. All of them hoping to build up, but are not exactly big athlete guys at all. I wonder if your son might want to simply sign up for orientation on the machines and in the weight room. It is a great way to get dressed out and simply hang out with others without having to be on a team of some kind. I know this is how my son started walking places with boys he didn't know very well on his hall a few times a week which segued into coffee, study groups and meeting at the library.<br>
All of my advice giving would be about his improved life after staying up half the night socializing M-F and coming home with mono after first semester finals. Life Lessons included how to recover nicely but then relapse with mono from not learning your lesson first semester..so please take my advice mode with a grain of salt.<br>
It is all good. UT is a great school with a lot of school spirit. I hope he will enjoy just being in the bleachers with new friends as autumn falls very soon. I have a masters from UT.</p>

18

<p>leal - At UNC, the weekend before classes start, South Street is closed off for a street party and club signups. It's a free-for-all with each club sponsoring a booth and 'selling their wares' to passersby (new students and old), as well as music and other activities. I understand ldgirl will be growing veggies with the Carolina Coop and swing dancing this semester....lol! You might suggest your son call Dean of Students and find out if something similar is sponsored at Texas. And I know GoneToTexas is Tuesday...perhaps this is a similar thing? (I also thing NSM's advice to email organizations is a great idea.)</p>

<p>Other than that, it's very common to feel out of sorts the first few weeks as he learns his new routine. Keep reminding him things will start feeling normal soon.</p>

19

<p>Great ideas!</p>

<p>He did find out that UT is having a bash on Tues - I think there are 2 things, actually - the Gone to Texas and something else that has the student organizations. So Tues ought to be a full day with that and then the College of Natural Sciences party that night.</p>

<p>But of course, that's a couple of days away and not much help right now...but he is sounding better...not so down. His dad & I encouraged him to try to draw out his roomie - maybe the guy's just shy! and he called to tell us that he did start a conversation when the guy was playing guitar, and they ended up jamming for half an hour!</p>

<p>Not best buds yet, but it's a start!</p>

<p>Great idea about the gym and also about calling to see if he can go to the freshman activities.</p>

20

<p>At S's big state u. they have all sorts of activities between move-in day and classes starting. Almost all are outdoor activites that anybody can attend. He should check the school's website for coming events. </p>

<p>Good for him that he took the initiative to find common ground with the roommate. Sounds like it was a good ice-breaker. That might make it easier for him to get to know others as well. </p>

<p>The gym is a very popular place at S's school. He should definitely check it as if he is into working out.</p>