No involvement at all.
I will stay up and find things to do if kid is studying deep into the night so he doesn’t feel the whole world is resting except for him.
Thank you, everyone, for all your responses. We as well have not provided any homework help since her elementary school days. My D did well all along, however, in HS she received a couple of Cs… Which I understand now, those became detrimental in her admission to selective colleges. Therefore, do you monitor the grade then and at what point you take corrective actions in case the grade is not in line with student’s potential. Thanks.
I quit helping back in third grade when my kid was learning how to multiply fractions the “common core” way. “No, Mom, [cross multiplying] is not how we do it.” “Then you’re on your own, kid.” I rarely even know what homework D20 has unless it’s for art and there is charcoal dust everywhere.
I do check the online portal to make sure everything is turned in and raise holy cane when it isn’t (which happens more often than I care to divulge).
Regarding the Cs: Your daughter might not have gotten into the selective colleges even with A’s. Or, maybe she would have squeaked in but would have struggled near the bottom of her class. If that had been the case, does she have the grit not to let it overcome her? That’s a rhetorical question - some kids do well when faced with a challenge but let things slide when everything is coming up roses, while other kids do better when they’re the big fish but falter when life throws a curve ball. I have a kid who does better when she’s NOT the best, which is why I’ll let her sink a bit. She’s kind of like the Avis Rental Cars’ “We’re Number 2, so We Try Harder” campaign. I don’t have to rescue her because she’ll rescue herself. That being said, there are other factors which make most, if not all, Ivy schools not the right fit for her, including size, location, and program offerings.
The extent of my help during high school was to be a sounding board for projects or speeches when she asked my opinion.
LoveToLearn99:
Some suggestions would be to determine if the student is distracted, overscheduled, or missing the foundational understanding of the work which is causing problems.
For distractions limit those, even where the student becomes angry, upset, or feels the action is unjustified.
If the student is overscheduled, sit down and talk about priorities and bringing that into balance with the need to do the work of a student: study.
If the student is struggling because they do not understand the work, honestly assess if the level and pace of the work is appropriate for your kid now. I say ‘now’ to differentiate the times before now when everythng may have come so easily that a grade of ‘C’ was never a thought.
Of course, tutors are always possible if one can afford it.
Our kids’ own interests and desires do shift as well, and talking with your child to gauge where they are, and if the pace and direction are in sync with them, may be a responsible and appropriate move.
S1: We initially helped with study habits, but not content.
S2: 0.00% involvement…I barely know what classes he’s taking.
Never had to help or do anything with the older two (girls). Now the boy who is still in HS, a whole 'nother story.
Can’t seem to make himself do homework, or bother to turn it in even if it is done. We had a LONG discussion recently when we received a note from the HS that our senior currently had a D or F in a class and was in danger of not graduating. We will have many more discussions before he heads off to college (and I intend to make sure I get access to his online grading system).
When kids came across a specific subject they struggled with for some reason (geometry for S who has visual/spacial issues, calculus for D as her teacher had not taught the subject before and was not getting the material across well – at least to D) we hired a tutor for the year. Both times it was very helpful. I could not have helped them even if I wanted to.
Not beyond asking if things are done
Hardly any but I do help edit papers if he is struggling. But, I usually just help him brainstorm on how to start and he does it all. I helped S#1 more than S#3. Number 3 is a self-starter (thank the Lord). He gets his stuff done.
Zero with #1, #2 has adhd and we discovered he struggled with executive functioning in high school, so actually had to monitor the portal because he never turned in assignments (his guidance counselor helped him and he’s finishing up junior year in college), I have proofread when asked for #3, #4, and #5, who are still in high school. However, I have asked them to help each other out if needed (especially with subjects like calculus or chemistry, we are too old).
Our kids were very happy to share their grades with us on just about everything. Beyond that…we did NO monitoring of grades.
I know you are disappointed that your daughter didn’t get accepted to her dream schools…but really…even with you looking over her shoulder at ever turn, she might still have gotten C grades in those courses.
Plus…doesn’t your school give quarterly or periodic progress reports? What were her grades all along? Surely you saw those! Are you telling us she had A grades in the C classes during previous marking periods?
I’m hope your daughter has a college to attend where she will grow and thrive independently.
Frankly, that is what you should want. And for your son too.
None. I ask if DD2 has homework to determine if I need to drop her at home before I run an errand after work/school. I remind all three to get their work done early so that they have time for fun and can avoid mishaps like bad weather and no wifi.
I have done minimal proof reading for DD1 and was thankful one of her teachers proofread all her college essays. I haven’t even read them and didn’t see DS’s main essay until after his first year in college. DD2 used to ask DH for help with her math but said he did not explain it well, got grumpy, and just gave the answers. They know they can stay for tutoring session with their teachers. DD2 will probably be our easiest come college application time since she is so personally driven.
Very little beyond proofreading papers. My younger son did manage to get a C in Honors Chem freshman year - he said the teacher hated the two freshman in the class and treated them differently. No idea if it was true, but the other Chemistry teacher seemed to be much better liked and had most of the freshmen. (It was a conflict with Latin that landed them in this class.) As far as I can tell it did not effect his admissions much. I never even knew what the homework was and while they had instituted some sort of system where teachers could post interim grades, it was voluntary and most teachers did not use it or forgot to keep it updated, so it was useless. I never knew what their assignments were - they were and still are procrastinators at heart, but they never miss deadlines either.
At our district’s HS, they always say that they reward achievement, not “potential.” That’s why placements (honors, etc) are always based on grades, not state test scores. I agree with this philosophy. Most people conflate potential with intellect only, when really it is so much more. Academic potential is a combination of intellect, drive, emotional regulation, health status, environment, and other elements.
Honestly, I was not able to help my DS’s homework for years. With my oldest, I was a horrible helicopter parent. He admits it helped in several areas. My twins did not need my hovering. They did well throughout school. I also did not help with any college application essays beyond proofreading one or two of them. I realized it was important for the essays to represent their voice, not a 50-ish year old. I simply stressed to both of them that the essays were very important to some of the schools they were applying to (USC, UCLA, a few Ivies for one, Northwestern, Michigan and Notre Dame).
While there was no real need to, we did monitor grades mostly because it is so easy to do nowadays with the apps most school systems use. S19 is very self driven when it comes to grades and school work in general.
My youngest D - current finishing up 9th - my wife helps quiz her in preparation for tests but I don’t think she’s ever asked for/needed homework help.
My oldest - when she got to Calc/AP Physics, she would periodically need help. I’d typically use Socratic teaching to get her to an answer - explore a few ways to attack a problem and suggest how she might want to proceed. Or ask why/how she addressed a specific step in a solution and get her to see the error. I actually enjoyed getting back to pseudo-teaching and re-learning a few things
(She’s home for the summer and asked for help with her Partial Differential Equations homework. Uhh - sorry…)
Every kid needs something different. Some kids need a little portal monitoring, some kids need proofreading some kids need extra tutoring for a foreign language* or a science** or math**, whether that be through staying after/before school with teacher, going to free tutoring provided by the school or hiring one.
People whose kids don’t need any of that are not better parents. Kids who do need it and their parents help them find it are not worse.
- I paid for this in levels 3 and 4, and it helped their grades
** I get paid by other people to do this, so if my kids need help, no reason I should not do it.
“In fairness, if we could have offered any genuinely useful help with calculus, we would have, but that ship sailed 25+ years ago.”
Yep. That sums it up for us as well. Let’s not talk about her CS class, where my usefulness approaches zero. Fortunately our school has free tutoring, and, unlike some kids who report being embarrassed to have fellow students see they need help, DD is not afraid to use it.
I did proofread two or three papers for DD this year, at her request and mostly for punctuation. Her English teacher is heavily into peer editing, so DD rarely asks for my help. I didn’t monitor her grades for the entire first semester, but then suddenly her ECs seemed to ramp up sharply. Bedtime creeped later and later. So, while I love that she is happy with her activities, I do check grades occasionally now. The stakes are too high.