<p>Dad23, you obviously love your son and feel very conflicted. But I have the sense that you are afraid to talk to him about the very things you need to discuss. You wrote, Our son has not asked us whether $200K would pose a hardship. My question is: have you told him?</p>
<p>It is easy for people to fall into the trap of getting angry to those close to them for not anticipating their needs. But its not fair -- others can't read your mind, and you end up simmering and building up resentment that could be avoided if you were simply direct and honest. You don't know what your son is thinking -- maybe he's afraid to bring up the subject because your unemployment seems to be a sore point. Maybe he thinks that you didn't go back to work because you had plenty in savings and just wanted a long vacation. </p>
<p>It is o.k. to say "no" to a kid. It is o.k. to simply tell the kid that you can afford college A but you can't afford college B. I know it hurts to do this -- I've done it twice, with each of my kids, because each in turn ended up with minimal financial aid from what they thought was their top choice college, and a $30K price tag for the first year. I couldn't pay that; end of discussion. Now my kids were lucky because they also each got very generous aid awards from other excellent private colleges... but they also knew from the start that I was requiring them to apply to our state universities and that they would have to got there if the the private colleges didn't provide enough financial aid. </p>
<p>The point is, it's better to be direct than to beat around the bush and hope that the kid gets the hints you are dropping. </p>
<p>I mean, bottom line, he's only a kid. I don't think kids really understand money until they are living on their own, supporting themselves, and paying their own bills, including all those student loan payments. So ... if you want him to understand your needs: tell him what they are.</p>