<p>It is probably easy for a kid to understand depression </p>
<p>-- I meant to write "probably isn't easy."</p>
<p>Speaking of the pressures on today's middle-agers, who are sandwiched between aging parents and kids at home, I saw the following sign while driving around my parents' town:</p>
<p>"Seagull Adult Day Care and Preschool"</p>
<p>Perfect!</p>
<p>Dad23, you obviously love your son and feel very conflicted. But I have the sense that you are afraid to talk to him about the very things you need to discuss. You wrote, Our son has not asked us whether $200K would pose a hardship. My question is: have you told him?</p>
<p>It is easy for people to fall into the trap of getting angry to those close to them for not anticipating their needs. But its not fair -- others can't read your mind, and you end up simmering and building up resentment that could be avoided if you were simply direct and honest. You don't know what your son is thinking -- maybe he's afraid to bring up the subject because your unemployment seems to be a sore point. Maybe he thinks that you didn't go back to work because you had plenty in savings and just wanted a long vacation. </p>
<p>It is o.k. to say "no" to a kid. It is o.k. to simply tell the kid that you can afford college A but you can't afford college B. I know it hurts to do this -- I've done it twice, with each of my kids, because each in turn ended up with minimal financial aid from what they thought was their top choice college, and a $30K price tag for the first year. I couldn't pay that; end of discussion. Now my kids were lucky because they also each got very generous aid awards from other excellent private colleges... but they also knew from the start that I was requiring them to apply to our state universities and that they would have to got there if the the private colleges didn't provide enough financial aid. </p>
<p>The point is, it's better to be direct than to beat around the bush and hope that the kid gets the hints you are dropping. </p>
<p>I mean, bottom line, he's only a kid. I don't think kids really understand money until they are living on their own, supporting themselves, and paying their own bills, including all those student loan payments. So ... if you want him to understand your needs: tell him what they are.</p>
<p>OK </p>
<p>Depression is hard to understand for a kid. He sees that his dad is unemployed but unable to look for a job. To a kid, that seems lazy so it is understandable that he inferred that your unemployment is the cause of his lack of college choices. </p>
<p>Now you need to sit down and tell him (and your other kid) what you have told us. Frankly, even if you had been employed this last year I don't think 200K is worth any undergrad education. After all, what are you going to say to your younger kid??? Where is his/her 200K going to come from? Do not sacrifice your retirement for this! It is not necessary! My kids go to a Catholic high school too and there are some kids that can afford to go anywhere they choose --- so what! </p>
<p>Remind yourself and tell your kids that there are VERY FEW careers that require such an expensive undergrad education. Those who graduate from ivies or other similarly expensive schools DO NOT make more money than those who go to other "good state schools". </p>
<p>I hope you have sought medical treatment for your depression and good luck on finding a wonderful new career.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for their input and experiences. The May 1st deadline is coming up and I am still giving the matter a lot of thought. My dad told me that he has the money saved, so they would not be taking out debts, but it is, as some posters have related, a lot of money, that might be better spent elsewhere. </p>
<p>I feel privileged in that I can even ask this question as in the environment that I grew up in, few people even consider a private school. About half of the students of my school are going on to community college or the local state school, with the rest going to UCs. I thought Dad23's comment that maybe I went to a better school was very interesting, as in terms of test scores and college placements, my school is certainly nowhere near the top. But I feel my school and especially my classmates have helped me develop into who I am today, and for that I am grateful. </p>
<p>It is only because the school I am considering is one of HYPS schools that I am even giving this some thought. Of my family, all of my father's siblings never went to college and of the two cousins who I grew up with and who still live with us, one goes to community and the other the local state school. Both they and my younger cousins would never consider a private school, especially since our state school system is so good.</p>
<p>I am undecided about the field I want to go into, which is why the question about graduate school tuition worries me and also partly why I feel the private school would be a better fit than the public where it is fairly difficult to change majors.</p>
<p>I do believe my dad when he says he has the money saved, but the problem is that I don't know the state of retirement funds, medical fees, etc. For a student in my environment, just asking this question is pretty selfish. Just yesterday I was talking to a classmate who dropped out of high school to enter some community college classes, lives in a small apartment with his mom, and is facing the prospect of being kicked out next year to live in an RV alone. He is the same age as me. Today, I was eating lunch with a friend who had to ask how much a bag of chips was and put it back when he was told it was more than $1. Compared to some of my classmates, I know I am already really lucky. Another of my classmates could not afford lunch because his mom just lost her job, while I get $20 a week for lunch. </p>
<p>The problem is that I know my parents and family would insist on this college because it is one of the "name" colleges and I am probably the only one of our cousins who will have the opportunity to go to one of the top privates. I was lucky enough to get Regents at all the top UCs, so to turn that down would be very hard. I do not want my family to have to take on more hardship that the 200k could help with.</p>
<p>I thank everyone very sincerely for their comments as they have given me a lot to think about and I will discuss the matter more thoroughly with my parents before my final decision. Thanks again.</p>
<p>Lucky, I think you know what your answer is probably going to be, and I think your parents are very lucky indeed to be the parents of a considerate offspring like you. You need to make a choice that you feel comfortable with. I do think its a good idea for you to go over finances with your family, and perhaps you will find that they are in better shape financially than you had thought. But obviously you are an intelligent and caring person, and you will get an excellent education and do well wherever you choose to go.</p>
<p>One other thought is that you might want to consider attending a UC & doing very well there & transfer to your dream school after you decide what you want to major in. It is likely HYP will still want you, perhaps more than ever as a transfer student. You are indeed very fortunate to have good choices to consider & your parents did an excellent job raising you to be such a thoughtful and mature person.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I do believe my dad when he says he has the money saved, but the problem is that I don't know the state of retirement funds, medical fees, etc.
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Lucky, it's not really your job to know what your parents' finances are. You WILL do well wherever you go, but you should also give your parents credit for making intelligent choices about their finances. If they say they can afford this, you should respect their opinion. Finally, think there's something to be said for setting an example regarding reaching for one's dreams. You got to this point through hard work, and I think that could be inspirational for your siblings and other kids in your community. Good luck, whatever you decide to do.</p>