I am a current highschool senior who completed the grueling process of college admisisons along with the rest of my classmates. As a student who prefers a more independent route, my parents were minimally involved (helping financially by paying for applications and a college counselor as well as morally supporting me whenever I felt disouraged). As I talk with my classmates and see the involvement of parents here on CC, there seems to be-- as with most things-- varying opinions on what constitutes the right amount/ type of support depending on individual situations. I guess that my question is (without any judgement either way), what do you believe is the best method of conquering college admissions as a family? What worked for you? What didn’t? In retrospect, what do you believe is the place of the parents when it comes to their children’s future education?
Good luck to students and parents as admissions decisions continue to come in!
EDIT: I’m not entirely sure that this is the right place to post this, please move if this discussionis better suited elsewhere.
Um. Your parents paid for a private counselor. That is VERY involved, they just used their money instead of their own time to direct you, review essays, etc. I detect a “I’m independent, and some parents are too involved” tone to this that is kind of unwarranted given the hired help you got that few students have.
My kid would be happier if state law / hotel policy / rideshare policy made it possible for her to do visits unaccompanied. Other than that, she seems pretty happy with our level of involvement. We’re pretty happy with our level of involvement. As long as everyone is pretty happy, the balance that gets us there isn’t particularly important.
Agree, can vary widely. Not every family finds paying for a counselor worthwhile or affordable. Not every senior has the ability to do deep and wide college search. Especially if you are looking for merit or deep financial aid pockets.
No one size fits all. It does feel very disingenuous to think other students parents are too involved if you are using a paid counselor. As parents that will be paying for kid’s education I am highly invested in the process.
Varies by family. The persons paying the bills get to choose the level of involvement. I’ve never heard anyone describe the college admission process as grueling before. Tougher days ahead for those that do.
I don’t find it independent just substituting a paid person for a parent. My daughter and I felt comfortable with the college process and saw no need for outside help - neither is right/wrong just what worked for us. Occasionally I would suggest a college for my daughter to look at online, occasionally she would say do you know anything about this school etc. I went with my daughter to a big college fair I think to help carry everything. An English teacher helped read over and edit the college essay. My husband gave some opinions and went to accepted student days at some places besides touring places we were all together for.
When it came to visiting schools some we toured while together as a family doing other things. For local schools it was a mix of going by herself t schools she could get to by public transportation or arranging to drive her father to/from work on a Friday to have a car (dual enrollment no school on Fridays). The school she is attending she visited first by herself to see a friend there. When she was serious about it I went with her to a mock class day that was coming up which included a tour and activities fair. The tour was just us and a tour guide and the tour guide asked if her friend could join so my daughter had the chance to ask all the questions she wanted to. DD went back to sit in on a class by herself.
Our older one took all the standardized tests, beginning early with the Northwestern University CTD test. None of the SAT, ACT and advanced tests (including AP) were demanding for him. No prep for any of the exams. He was active in policy debate and newspaper as well as his hobbies. He wasn’t willing to put in time visiting colleges, except one trip that he took with me to my alma mater (while I attended an alumni weekend). He didn’t visit most of the colleges he applied to until after he was admitted. It was low-key really, and he got some excellent options.
The younger one’s college admissions process was more complicated. Because she wanted to attend art school, some special research was needed. She attended art programs two summers to help to develop her portfolio. One large road-trip in June after her junior year covered about 8 or 9 colleges. She did the hard parts – built a portfolio, took the SAT (with a minimum of prep). We mainly helped with research about college options. She knew what she was looking for, and that road trip helped.
I have two who looked at the same time. One I dragged to a college fair (the other couldn’t go that day) and she ‘found’ her school because there was no one else at the booth, picked up the material, and I said we could afford it. She had some other schools she thought she might be interested in, like art schools, but she wasn’t willing to do the portfolios.
For the other kid, she found some schools on her own or was recruited. For the school she ended up attending, I saw an article saying they were starting a team for her sport, she immediately sent in a recruiting questionnaire and things just took off from there. I took them to the schools they were interested in.
They were both rather lazy and didn’t look into a lot of schools. That was fine with me. If they wanted to look at any other schools, they had to explain to me how they would finance them (loans, scholarships, travel) and again, they were lazy and didn’t want to do all that work. Most of their classmates were going to a Florida state school so it wasn’t an environment were they were pressured into going to a dream school or a reach school.
You didn’t follow “a more independent route/” . Having a private counselor is probably more help than most kids get.
Sometimes parents are busy or there are relationship factors making a counselor a better option than parental support.
I don’t know why you had a college counselor, but you did not go on this journey alone. Most likely you also don’t have to worry about paying for your own education, but I could be wrong.
Most of us basically drove to visits and served as sounding boards. Add on to that whatever a particular student needed.
Your question is for the 1%. There are many students out there (and sometimes on CC) who have NO help or support, have immigrant parents who don’t speak English well and don’t know anything about admissions, parents who work long hours, or parents who don’t value college or have the money or whatever.
My daughter has friends whose parents won’t even pay for college and they work for a few years, then, when they hit 24, pay themselves, taking a class or two at a time for years while still working. Now, that’s an independent route.
Appreciate what you have and maybe don’t continue to think you don’t have it!
Thanks for the replies! I just wanted to clarify, I didn’t mean to come off as negative to any form of parental involvement, I simply wanted to share my own experience for context. In the way of “independence” I may have chosen the incorrect adjective, but meant independent from their direct involvement (ie. them personally choosing schools, the decision proess between schools themselves, etc.), I recognize that financial involvement is very real and I truly do value theirs. I am not dogging on my parents or anyone elses, what we did worked for me and my family, I appreciate everyone throughout the process and wouldn’t want it another way on a personal level. Am not trying to be biased either way and I apologize if I was, I am truly just curious about what works and why.
As for my college counselor; yes, I was and am incredibly fortunate to have one. I did not complete this process alone by any means. I wasn’t including that help in my description of “independence”.
When you become a parent, you come to realize that every kid is different. That means that your response as a parent to each kid in each situation is also different. From bedtime to discipline to when a kid is too sick to go to school, the response depends on the kid.
That’s pretty much how I teach too. Not as far as grading goes-- the right answer to a math question is the right answer. But life isn’t like math. Some of my kids are facing serious, serious issues at home. Some need more nurturing than others. Some are fiercely independent, others really need a mom figure to help guide them, others need a dose of natural consequences. .
I gave my kids probably more guidance than a lot of the parents here on CC when it came to the college search. But you know what? At the end of the day all I did was help them shop. When they got to school, I wasn’t there to help them make friends or write papers. I didn’t wake them up and make a hot breakfast before they went off to their 9 am class. I helped them shop for a school. They didn’t have a dedicated college counselor; their guidance counselor was far more caught up in some of the kids at school who had serious issues (Like the classmate of my daughter’s who committed suicide in October of his Senior year, and the kids who faced arrest for bullying him and the kids who mourned him.) Her guidance counselor met with us once, saw that my daughter had a list of schools that looked do-able, and mentally crossed her off her list of kids to worry about. And I’m OK with that; if I could take over in that area, the kids who really needed her time could have more of it.
“ I didn’t mean to come off as negative to any form of parental involvement, I simply wanted to share my own experience for context. In the way of “independence” I may have chosen the incorrect adjective, but meant independent from their direct involvement…” @assemblingphilisopies, what you are failing to recognize it’s that hiring a counselor WAS a form of direct involvement. I don’t see many parents choosing their kid’s school, as you put it. I do see them assisting with the decision process, which is what your parents paid for. I am sure your counselor guided you toward the schools that were a better fit based on criteria that was pre defined (academic fit, location, affordability, etc). Ultimately, if your parents did not agree at all with the decisions you and your counselor were making, they had the option of interve, and change course right? That is called the “power of the wallet”.
I’m not sure why some posters felt the necessity to take the OP to task?They posed their question in an articulate and polite way.
The college admissions process is grueling, especially so for kids pursuing elite schools. If you are of the impression it’s not you haven’t been through it.
The how much involvement is to much question is subjective. What support is needed? Is it a parents time involvement, emotional support, financial support etc.?
There is no one size fits all answer and the ability to provide these types of support varies greatly with families resources in these areas and the amount of available time they have or that they make time for.
Each student has unique circumstances as does every family because of that this question is near impossible to answer.
I’m of the opinion that giving your child a ton of love and emotional support is the most important thing. Beyond that following your child’s lead in regard to attempting to provide the resources that will be most helpful to them.
Best Wishes to the OP!
DS18 was my oldest and was turning 18 around the time he was working on college and scholarship applications. To his credit I think he has very good judgment and is wise for his age. Not sure I have ever met a kid that age who I would trust more to make a good informed decision. Regardless, he is still an 18 year old without a lot of life experience. I know he benefited from talking to us (his parents) a lot throughout the process and using us as his sounding board.
He was fortunate to be in a position to have a lot of choices about where to apply. He had the stats and HS resume to have a shot at any school he chose to apply to, and parents who were able and willing to pay. I was surprised when the time came to apply that he wasn’t interested in applying to any elite schools or to any school for that matter far from home. He wanted to take the full ride/honors college route and to stay in-state. He couldn’t see himself at any of the places I had imagined him taking a shot at, socially or otherwise. He is used to being the big fish and I think he likes it.
What was the benefit to him of his parents being engaged and informed? He still did what he wanted himself after all. I think ultimately all our conversations, all that research and information about schools he decided not to apply to, helped him look inside his own soul and to know what he wanted to do.
One semester in now, I can’t imagine any kid more engaged and motivated anywhere. Takes as many classes as they will allow him to take. 4.0. Fraternity, intramural sports, friends, working in the lab, trip abroad next summer. I have never seen him more happy and confident than right now. That is the biggest determinant in success anyway, the engagement, heart and work you put in, not the name on the diploma. Goal should be to find the place that brings out the best in you. That will carry you farther than any school brand ever will.
“What works and why” will vary widely based on the student (and parent) themselves. Some students need a lot of guidance and parental involvement, some don’t. Of course, parenting is not a precise operation and as with anything, we all learn as we go what works and what doesn’t.
I will say that while I’ve seen a lot of very involved parents on this board, myself included for one of my kids, I haven’t seen many instances of the parent making the actual choice of which school. I see a lot of parents doing the information gathering and research. And, of course, financial considerations are a huge part…parents have to limit school choices based on what is financially feasible.
What may be an interesting question to CC parents is “how involved were your parents in your college application process?” I suspect for the majority of us, it was extremely low…times and parenting culture were different then. And we had no Internet to research. It’s likely to me that todays parents’ desire to be involved stems from that.
My kids handled college applications and essays themselves, I scheduled college tours and paid testing and application fees, helped with FAFSA and tax returns.
My third child is going through the process now. While #2 literally applied to 1 school, my current senior has applied ied to about 10, and has written countless supplemental essays. She has had a SAT/ACT tutor for over a year, and took both 3 times, plus subject tests. She still has more visits planned, plus a weekend with a school athlete. It really just depends. My involvement was mostly shortening essays.
I hired a private counselor for D2 because I was too busy at the time and I also knew our relationship would have gone south if I interjected too much. The private counselor was a mini me, but everything sounded a lot better coming from him. D2 believes she made her own choice, but she did it within a certain frame work.
Fast forward, after she graduated from college she made the decision of delaying law school for 2 years, not to retake her LSAT and interned at a high profile place for little money. I didn’t totally agree with her decision, but I had to trust/support her. She ended up getting into one of her top choices and is doing well. The internship she did is opening a lot of doors for her.
As a parent you figure out when to help and when to let go. Turning 18 doesn’t necessary make one an adult. Some kids mature earlier than others. I wouldn’t judge other parents (families) on how they do things.
I know very few families that can afford to have no voice in where their kids apply. Even on CC there are families who pull choices off the table based on cost. If you were able to apply wherever you wanted and attend whichever school you chose out of all your acceptances you were very fortunate. Most families don’t have those options.