<p>Hi CC parents,
I wanted to ask this question to adults with more life experience than I have. </p>
<p>I'm in college right now, and I'm a pretty quiet person. Not because I'm "anti-social" or I hate people or anything like that. I just can never think of things to say when I'm around people I don't know well (when I'm around my family/good friends then I'm different). I know I come across as this quiet, shy person. People tell me this all the time. I try to think of what to say. I try to engage in conversations and shed this quiet exterior I can't seem to get rid of. But it's not working.</p>
<p>It's getting me worried nowadays though, because I know personality is a big factor in getting jobs and being "successful". Not only do you have to rock the interview, but at some point you might need recommendations from professors (for internships, etc.) and I'm not one to ever talk to professors. </p>
<p>I do like being around people. I like having fun with my friends and meeting new people. And I do make good friends. But I don't know how to be more outgoing in general, and it puts a damper on everything because I always feel like I come across badly to people. I go to a good school, and I'm a really good student, and I'm involved. I always try to put myself in situations where I'm forced to talk to strangers and overcome any social fears I have, but I'm not seeing significant improvement in my conversations with people I just meet, especially adults.</p>
<p>So I really need some advice. Either about how to "improve" my personality, how to have better conversations (in a professional atmosphere), or what kinds of jobs I should be avoiding... Thanks in advance, please share if you have any good advice. </p>
<p>P.S. Please don't suggest going to a counselor or something...because I won't.</p>
<p>OK, no counseling. Try a chapter of Toastmasters, which teach you both how to speak in public and how to initiate conversations. It’s been around for a long time, is professionally-oriented and is very well respected.</p>
<p>Ok, so this is not counseling but your career center at school should have resources that help you match your personality with jobs that would be satisfactory. They should look at not just your interests, but how you interact with people. There are fields for everyone. There are also some private resources. We used “Now Discover Your Strengths” by Buckingham and Clifton at work to help people get into the right fit job. .</p>
<p>Hey, I know you said no counseling. But I have to say that a session with an executive recruiter when I was 21 gave a huge boost to my interviewing skills. Not that it was fun. He grilled me for 45 minutes and then proceeded to tell me everything I did wrong for the next half hour.
So yeah, i was twirling my hair, looking down at my feet, answering questions with one or two words. I was bit of a mess…reallly. But I walked out with specific feedback on what I was doing wrong and how I could do better. REALLY Painful…but REALLY helpful.
Go to your career office and ask if anyone can help with mock interviewing. If not, ask you parents if they’ll help you pay for a session with a outplacement or recruiting person in your hometown. Might just set you on the right road.
At your age, I was very shy and quiet. Not my problem now. It’s almost like I talk too much sometimes! Can’t keep quiet in meetings…always asking questions and making comments. So, it’s possible that you will continue maturing and grow into these skills in a few years. But do start working on it now!</p>
<p>I was just talking to my S about this a couple of days ago. How much I dread having to make small talk, and how much easier life is for extroverts (I think some have estimated that about 80% or more of human beings are extroverts). I told him this because I know he has suffered with the same feelings. I told him how as a student (much more so in secondary school than elementary) I would look around at the kids and wonder “what the heck do they have to talk so much about?” He too enjoys the company of people, he is no loner and has quite a few friends. Still, I know life can be hard for him.</p>
<p>It seems as if life is stacked against an introvert. My son just lost out for selection for a officer position to an extreme extrovert. It was very, very hard for him, because he does much more work than this person, is a much better student, is more organized, etc. etc. etc.</p>
<p>You do not need a counselor. What you should do is accept yourself for who you are. Introverts tend to be way more sensitive than the average person. Chances are that “small talk” will always be difficult for you, but I bet you have no problem having meaningful conversations with people. I would say try to choose a career path that is amenable to your particular people style. There is no need to put yourself in difficult situations if you don’t have to. There is nothing “wrong” with you. </p>
<p>It will get somewhat easier as you get older and gain more confidence in dealing with everyday situations.</p>
<p>Do not stress out about this. There are plenty of jobs out there where you do not have to personality plus. Also, as you mature, you will get more self confidence. One of the most important insights I learned is that just about everyone is afraid of new contacts. Fear of the unknown is a human trait. Unless you are planning to sell real estate or life insurance, I think you will be fine. Do not over analyze yourself. You are in the same boat as 95% of the college student population. Your abilty to notice this trait means that you have self awareness and you want to better yourself. I would recommend that you start making relationships with your professors. You are missing out on a whole wealth of knowledge, experience, and potential recommendations. A couple of suggestions: Always try to remember the names of the new people you meet. When you meet them, look them in the eye and repeat their name. Then think of someone you know witht the same name so you will have some cognitive response to their name. Then just be your self. Tell new people something interesting that you are studying or something interesting that you have read. People you meet are just a afraid as you are. Relax and know that new people will have new thoughts, new experiences, etc. </p>
<p>I’ve never been an outgoing person nor do I “enjoy” hanging in groups of people. I don’t make friends quickly but my friendships are strong and of duration. I’m pretty much a classic loner introvert - …but I did “learn” how to interact, how to interview, how to own my interactions with people. Inside my head I call it my “on personality” and it has a smile on my face, a greeting on my lips, and an ability to get other people to talk. I’m a great listener! The first step is to be able to smile, extend your hand to greet people if appropriate and appear relaxed which relaxes the other person and look people in the face. I would say practice and practice. Practice with the people in the offices you go to at the college, practice with your professors. Check with your career services office as one poster suggested. I also got alot better when I taught for a couple years - even the act of standing in front of a classroom of young adults with them all just staring at me and having to interact with them really helped build my social confidence. If you have the opportunity to teach or TA or something, anything go for it. My husband is still far more social and I laugh because generally at every company gathering he’ll be off in a corner with my fellow associates yakking away. I will never totally overcome my tendency to want to close up and isolate, but I have certainly learned to function in social and business settings and frankly only those who know me best know that I am in fact very much an introvert. Don’t think of it as “improving your personality” I happen to think MY personality is fine. By the way, have you ever had a part-time job? If not and you can fit something in that deals with customer service you might look at it as an action tutorial. Also a side note, Americans tend to be much more extroverted with strangers than many other cultures so to make myself feel better I tell myself that my natural personality is only unnatural in America…and I do have a reputation at work of “getting along” with the non North Americans - gee I guess they don’t expect my life story in the first 5 minutes!</p>
<p>Hello fellow Introvert! Do not despair, you are not alone. Try this book:</p>
<p>The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World, by Marti Olsen Laney.</p>
<p>It’s a great book. I have no connection to the author (except perhaps introversion =).</p>
<p>From the back cover:</p>
<p>"Do you “zone out” if too much is going on? Are you energized by spending time alone? In meetings, do you need to be asked for your opinions and ideas? … Is your ideal celebration a small get-together, rather than a big party? Do you often feel like a tortoise surrounded by hares? The good news is, you’re an introvert. The better news is that by celebrating the inner strengths and uniqueness of being an “innie,” The Introvert Advantage shows introverts, and the extroverts who love them, how to work with instead of against their temperament to enjoy a well-lived life. </p>
<p>I am an introvert and have one of each (extrovert and introvert) children. The first thinks I’m practically autistic. The second thinks I’m one of the most extroverted people he knows, LOL. This book has been a nice reality check. Enjoy!</p>
<p>I think you want to work on being a self confident introvert. Appreciate yourself for your talents and all you have to offer. It is good to have a variety of people in this world.</p>
<p>I agree with momof3boys about being a good listener. One conversational “crutch” I can suggest is to ask questions. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. If possible ask about something related to an ongoing conversation in a group. </p>
<p>If you get stuck chatting one on one with someone you don’t really know, ask him a question. You might even want to have a list of possible questions prepared in advance for these situations. Some examples: Where are you from? What are you majoring in? What dorm are you in?</p>
<p>Next, remember that conversation is like tossing a ball back and forth. You toss them a question; they toss you an answer. Then you need to toss back a reply (which can be another question).</p>
<p>For example, you say, “Where are you from?”<br>
She says, “Wisconsin.”<br>
You are drawing a blank because you don’t know anything about Wisconsin, so maybe you say the first thing you think of, like “Is it really cold there in the winter?”<br>
She says, “Yes, it’s miserable.”<br>
So you say, “Well that’s about the same as it is here!”<br>
No, this is isn’t scintillating small talk. It’s just basic, polite conversation. Oftentimes you’ll get lucky and after one or two questions, the person will elaborate more on her answer and you’ll have the opportunity to be a good listener.</p>
<p>Go get a job where you are forced to be personable and outgoing. I’m shy and introverted, etc. etc., and I worked in retail for three years during HS. Probably one of the best things I’ve done, in terms of learning how to put myself out there. And you get paid :P</p>
<p>Some ideas from my Toastmasters-like club experience:</p>
<ul>
<li><p>In general, people like to talk about themselves. Come up with a stock set of questions that you can ask that will allow the other person to do the talking. They will feel at ease because they are talking about something that they know.</p></li>
<li><p>Carry a notebook with you. When you see something interesting, jot it down. Well that’s the version before the internet. We can use browser bookmarks today. But read some of the news sites, maybe a joke or two a day. Learn about world and local events. Read a few forums. Look at all of the people here that don’t know each other that talk about everything and anything, sometimes casually and sometimes with great passion. If you collect a bunch of things that you know about that can be useful in conversation, then you are armed with things to talk about.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Toastmasters may be a way to become better at talking with others. You have to spend time preparing to talk before a group of people which should be a lot harder than holding a conversation with one or two others.</p>
<p>OP - Hey, this is not rocket science. People like hearing about things that are appealing to THEM. All you need to do is LISTEN to what people are talking about. Tune in, and use those inputs to guide your own conversations. (And if it’s confusing that guys like sports and women like shopping, then you might benefit from the aforesuggested counseling.) IMHO introverts have a huge advantage in figuriing out what interests others. So in this respect I believe you are blessed. Good luck! It’s doable, really!</p>
<p>As folks get older, it’s really hard to tell the introverts from the extroverts. Like momofthreeboys, many introverts learn to put on a happy face and can make small talk with the best of them. I’ve done a few Myers Briggs personality test with groups of workers and I’m always surprised at those who are introverts. Would never have guessed this from outward behavior.
With me, I’m a bit confused as to what I am. I’m not sure people fit as neatly into these boxes as some would like. I used to be very shy and reclusive. And I’ve always “tested” as an introvert. Yet, now I love social contact, and I drive my h crazy cause I run into people I know just casually and can talk for hours. And I like it! So , is it possible that you can you learn to be an extrovert?<br>
To the OP, I know I’m rambling a bit here, but I just wanted to point out that things change as you get older and build confidence. You may not have these problems later in life…so don’t worry too much now.</p>
<p>If you forget about yourself and concentrate on making the other person comfortable, it usually works. My husband is a super-introvert, but he is always generous and kind. People love him. Not a lot of people, because he doesn’t try to know a lot of people, but the people he has known and worked with love him.</p>
<p>I know this isn’t rocket science and you can’t conjure up a formula for every social interaction you have. </p>
<p>It just seems like 99% of the people I meet are extroverts to some extent, and in a new situation where everyone’s talking, laughing, and joking around, it gets very uncomfortable. Some people I can be great with right when I meet them, but most people I can’t at all and it never gets better. I also have a loooooot of trouble talking to adults. Anywho thanks again.</p>
<p>Actualy, I think the breakdown is more like 75% are extroverts; but MANY introverts have learned how to appear as if they were extroverts. And this is not always easily or quickly learned, and can sometimes take years to develop. </p>
<p>I agree with others who point out the need to learn to live with your introversion rather than just learn how to change yourself. </p>
<p>I also agree with those who have talked about the need to practice speaking with others - and the need to build your self confidence. Both seem important in developing better social skills and in becoming more comfortable when interacting with others. But it is not just practicing talking to others or forcing yoursef to do things that you do not naturally like to do, but, more generally, practicing moving out of your comfort zone (which obviously includes talking with others but many other things as well), because each time you do ANYTHING outside your comfort zone - and succeed - your self confidence will increase and it will become easier the next time you do something you are uncomfortable doing, even if it is a completely different activity. As your self confidence increases, your self consciousness will decrease. I think you will start to find it a lot easier to interact with others as you become less self conscious and more self conscious about yourself and about how you think others perceive you.</p>
<p>I definitely consider myself introverted. My Meyers Briggs profile is [url=<a href=“http://typelogic.com/intj.html]INTJ[/url”>INTJ Profile]INTJ[/url</a>]. Give me a book to read and some music to listen to and that’s pretty much all I need. However, I am also very ambitious. I realized early on, that to accomplish the things I wanted to do and succeed in my profession, I had to come out of my shell, socialize, meet people and gain their trust. I also found that people will like you much more if you’re a listener, rather than a big talker. So, a wholesale personality change is not necessary. Set your goals early on, figure out what you need to do to achieve them (there are many books, programs, etc. that can help you with this) and get it done.</p>
<p>P.S. I did find that the basic Dale Carnegie Program helped me out quite a bit (or you could just read his classic book “How to Win Friends & Influence People”). They actually wanted me to come back as an instructor, but I didn’t have the time.</p>
<p>Yeah…I’m an INTJ also. Actually going through a Meyer-Briggs might be helpful to the OP because it will help you also find your strengths and confidence is an important factor in how you are perceived when you are interviewing.</p>