overcoming shyness

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Oh mighty parents, please give me advice to overcome my shyness.</p>

<p>i am terrible at keeping a conversation going, mainly because I feel I might say the wrong things, and simply difficult for me to express myself and share my thoughts to other people, and it hurts because i know it is holding me back from being a better person.</p>

<p>so the question is, how can i convince myself that i should not worry too much about what other people think? how can i make myself just go out there and be able to express what i have to say? how can i approach someone and strike a conversation, or keep one going? how can i just stop worrying so much and go out there and say how i feel and what i want to say?</p>

<p>ahhhh, i am open to hearing advice and insight from your years of experience.</p>

2

<p>Shyness is a temperamental trait, and part of your personality, if you are truly shy by nature. One can't easily will shyness away, but you can manage it, with some strategies.</p>

<p>Best thing to do is to see whether you can find a great cognitive-behavioral therapist, because CBT is an effective way practical strategies, to help you more effectively deal with anxious feelings like that.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

3

<p>I don't think shyness is part of my personality, possibly it is.. but if it is I will not accept it. I think nervousness is better word to describe my situation...</p>

<p>thanks though!</p>

4

<p>Shyness is a part of everyone's personality. Almost everyone struggles with issues related to shyness. Even extroverts who appear to have great conversational skills can have serious problems with shyness and they often cope in a manner which is worse than that of the introverts. I would guess that the vast majority of "mighty" parents are still limited by their shyness. I know I am, but I have made some very substantial progress.</p>

<p>Shyness is a very destructive force. The nervousness you describe is often based on lack of confidence and lack of self worth. The inability to communicate and relate to others can cause a vicious cycle that is very difficult to alter. </p>

<p>I think I can offer some helpful perspectives, but I would like to know more first. What is it about your shyness that is of most concern? Difficulty in making friends, difficulty in communication or both?</p>

5

<p>As said earlier Shyness is not unusual. I think of it as risk adversion. So the question is.. why are you affraid to take risk? It is a good thing.. by the way.. to have a logical risk adversion. So.. if you'll think.. what is the risk of ..... saying something stupid (let's say for example).. maybe you'll realize thatsaying something stupid is actually less difficult than a period of awkward total silence. I think most shy people are rational, logical thinkers but have an inhibition to doing something wrong, or being in the spotlight, or creating a chaos which they may not be able to control. My recommendation is to act like a fool around some people who you know care about you and may not prejudge you. Then if you see that its not all that bad.. move it slowly into your daily reaction pool. Have some witty responses ready for the next meeting or gathering. Dish them out one at a time.. (everyone know that the person who carries on too long is worse than total silence). Have a one liner ready for that next "Awkward total silence moment"... something like... humming the theme song to jeopady... Waiting.. waiting... waiting... you'll figure something out. If it's awkward for you it probably is for them too.... Laugh at life.. don't take it so seriously.. after all, we never remember 1/2 the stuff we've gone through anyway. I particularly like goofing off on vacation... I'll probably never see any of those people again in my life so what if they think I'm goofy...</p>

6

<p>This is just a thought, firax. Would it help to think of starting conversations with a question - expressing interest in the other person's life/interests/opinions? If you would find this less frightening than speaking up with your own opinions, it might help. And, it is true that the best conversationalists are good listeners. Expressing interest in the other person and listening well will often lead to a more natural moment for sharing your own thoughts.</p>

7

<p>Based on my personal experience, eDad has it exactly right. For me, simply deciding (at age 19) that I wasn't going to live that way was enough to "get me going" in a more outgoing direction. Based on where I am today, some would say I overdid it!</p>

8

<p>A trick that can help is just having small goals...small steps, but consistent, every day, getting "braver", and seeing that nothing horrid happens if you have a short conversation with someone, and the world doesn't stop</p>

<p>For instance, whenever you can, compliment someone...make it real...but it doesn't have to be a big thing...Hey, cool shoes...Hey, your dog is really cute....Wow, I really like your pin....almost always you will get a smile, and if not, who cares...but this does give you practice to "get over" your shyness</p>

<p>ccrunner123, your comment was uncalled for...so what if its lame...who cares...its fun and its funny...its your reaction that makes people worry about what others think...</p>

<p>Think of Robin Williams...he is painfully shy...and he compensates with his humor and his friendliness</p>

<p>Once, my H and D (she was 5) and she was a bit shy, ran in to him at a store...she was hiding behind daddy, saying "Its Mrs. Doubtfire!!!" My H said hello, and said, my D thinks you are great, but she is a bit shy...he said, well so am I, and shook her hand..it was a turning point for her...he was shy but wow, he did so much!!!</p>

<p>Everyday, set a goal to strike up a conversation about anything, with someone you know and someone you don't. It doesn't have to be long or deep or meaningful...its just practice and to show you nothing awful will happen even if you make a mistake</p>

<p>something else, volunteer...find a politcal campaign, a church, a youth group, an animial shelter...you may make new friends, but mostly, you will find kind people who are doing for others, and often are very friendly, open, and caring...</p>

<p>They may be your age, older, younger, it doesn't matter, but its doing something to benefit others in a group, and most everybody talks, and wants to hear what others have to say</p>

<p>If you are in HS, it may be that there is an "aura" that is goverened by snooty kids who roll their eyes, make fun, etc. in class, so kids shut down...if that is so, go outside the school for activities, it can really help with the self confidence</p>

<p>ANd you have taken a big step, and that you should be proud of</p>

<p>So, as they say, just start acting how you want to be, fake it at first, that's okay, it will get more comfortable as time goes on</p>

9

<p>Fortunately, shyness may be the easiest emotional problem to overcome. What it basically takes is a willingness to go outside of your comfort zone, and to keep practicing, practicing, practicing. </p>

<p>It can help to read self-help books. I've found helpful books ranging from one called something like "How to Handle Small Talk," to the classic "How to Win Friends and Influence People."</p>

<p>This web pages has lots of wonderful resources: <a href="http://shyness.com/%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://shyness.com/&lt;/a>
I think it was initially put together by Stanford psychologist Phillip Zimbardo, one of the country's experts on shyness.</p>

<p>Joining Toastmasters also can be helpful because it has a wonderfully supportive program that teaches you how to speak in public. You get lots of affirmation (applause and smiles) and the program proceeds by babysteps at your own pace.</p>

<p>When I was a child, I was so shy that I remember bursting into tears when my mom asked me to buy a newspaper from a corner grocery store that I had never entered before. </p>

<p>When I cried, Mom bought the newspaper. Any parents reading this: If you want to help your shy kids, don't enable them by letting them avoid situations that make them nervous. Instead, encourage them and show them how to handle the situation.</p>

<p>My mom's allowing me to avoid situations that scared me only delayed my overcoming my shyness, which I didn't end up doing until I was in my 30s. She could have handled the store incident better by telling me what to say to get the newspaper, role playing it with me, and then accompanying me while I got the actions.</p>

<p>Two important things for shy people to remember: One: believe it or not, most Americans label themselves as being shy or introverted. This includes people in professions like journalism which require lots of assertiveness. I know many excellent journalists who are shy when they aren't working. At work, they simply force themselves to talk to people and ask the tough questions. I also know many people who seem very gregarious but who either still are a little shy or used to be very shy when they were younger.</p>

<p>Two: Most people like shy people more than they like very gregarious people. Shy people are viewed by others as being kind, empathic and potentially good friends. Many gregarious people are viewed by others as being loud, obnoxious and superficial.</p>

<p>Three: You are your worst critic. The world isn't sitting back scrutinizing you to see your flaws or to pick apart what you're saying. Most people are too concerned about their own flaws and missteps to worry about someone else's. Also, when you're in a situation like a party, what many people are concerned about is being left by themselves with no one to talk to.</p>

<p>If you smile and say a friendly hello and even a bland conversation opener like, "I've never been to this place before. Have you?" or "Have you known the host long? I just met her in my French class." most people will be relieved to have someone to talk to. If they don't say much, it probably will be because they, too, are shy, not because they dislike you or you somehow blew it.</p>

10

<p>My advice, based on my personal experience with shyness, is to put yourself in a position where you are obligated to talk to people.</p>

<p>Retail stores are an example. If you have a part-time job at an ice cream store, clothing store, whatever, it becomes part of your job to talk to people. Plus, there is a standard set of things to say, so your conversation will be substantially planned ahead. You'll know what to say and you'll have good reason to say it. That can give you a start, and confidence.</p>

<p>Tutoring also comes to mind. Teach swimming. </p>

<p>I used to work in a bank. I had to meet and help a wide variety of people. It was very hard at first. Literally, I used to lose sleep over it. But, just like northstarmom suggested, that experience was an immense help for me. </p>

<p>If this idea and/or those of other people don't seem appropriate, or don't help you, then IMO seek help from the counseling center at your college.</p>

11

<p>Actually, with all due respect Northstarmom, most researchers or psychologists who specialize in or study shyness, would disagree with you about pushing kids out of their comfort zone. Jerome Kagan, for example, would recommend creating safe social situations, not ones that caused a child great anxiety.</p>

<p>Of course, different children react differently, but I always maintain that it makes more sense to work with a child's temperament than at odds with it.</p>

12

<p>"Actually, with all due respect Northstarmom, most researchers or psychologists who specialize in or study shyness, would disagree with you about pushing kids out of their comfort zone. Jerome Kagan, for example, would recommend creating safe social situations, not ones that caused a child great anxiety."</p>

<p>I didn't say to push students out of their comfort zone. What I'm saying is that a parent should use role playing, teach social skills, and do other things to help a kid get out of their comfort zone. The research, including by psychiatrist David Reiss, who has researched how family interaction affects personality, indicates that the shy kids who grow out of their shyness during childhood have parents who do not enable their shyness.</p>

<p>If you look at the example that I gave about myself and the story, my mom did not help me by allowing me to avoid going into the store that I was too timid to enter. She could have helped me by role playing the situation with me and then accompanying me while I obtained a newspaper in that store. By allowing me to use tears to avoid going into the store, all she did is prevented me from obtaining the skills that would have expanded my comfort zone. I also became even more adept at personifying hysteria when confronted with any situation that required me to meet others.</p>

<p>For instance, I see many parents who think they're helping their kids by, for instance, letting their kids hide behind their backs while the parents do all of the talking as if the kid were mute.</p>

<p>Far better to, for instance, role play with the child how to meet people, and then to encourage/require the child to shake hands and say "hello." One does this through baby steps. Certainly, one wouldn't expect or coerce a kid who's terrified of meeting others into having a long conversation with a new acquaintance. One can, though, start out by helping the kid shake hands and say "hello." Later, one can stretch the kids' comfort zone by teaching the child how to have a conversation with a new person. At first, the child might be expected to simply say, "Hello. My name is..." Gradually, the parent would teach the kid techniques to keep the conversation going.</p>

13

<p>I was painfully shy as a child, still am, but most people don't believe it. Having something you want to accomplish or contribute that feels more important then yourself can help you get out there outside of yourself. I call it getting out of my own way. Find what you are passionate about contibuting to change our world and you won't care about how others see you. Most people are insecure even those that seem terrribly confident. We are all the same inside. A Life coach can also help or a leadership program.</p>

14

<p>i agree with northstarmom...</p>

<p>As we can see, many of these kids are not happy with their shyness, they want to break out of it</p>

<p>As parents, its easy to say, well, she is shy, and do it for her, and just saying she is shy, well, the child will stay shy</p>

<p>I will never forget the fitst time taking the youngest D trick or treating, she was all shy, and nervous,trying to hide behind daddy, well, we stood at the door, she had to walk across that store (it was an afternoon trick or treat thing), go to the counter, well i tell ya, after two times, she got over it...</p>

<p>What a parent needs to do is find, as northstarmom points out, the teachable moments...at a restaurant, let the child ask for the drink, at the store, let them put the clothes on the counter, let them pay for the gum, and say, well, you want gum, you can put it on the counter and give the checker the money, you are getting older and bigger, and I don't want the gum, not punishment, but not rescuing all the time either</p>

<p>i have heard and seen too many kids who can't function because of shyness and fear of failure and being embarrassed</p>

<p>If we didn't encourage kids out of their comfort zones, when would they learn to swim, ride a bike, speak up for themselves</p>

<p>For pure self preservation, kids need to be able to speak up, say no, ask for help if in a bad situation</p>

<p>Temperment is one thing if the child/adult was happy, but as we can see, many people struggle with being shy and want badly to get past it, and it is practice and just doing it over and over...and seeing that the sky won't fall if they aren't perfect</p>

15

<p>Firax, if it's any consolation, I was painfully shy as a child well into my 20's, not that most people would know it these days. Even now, in some social situations I have this internal voice over along the lines of don't say THAT, that would be dumb, don't say that either, you'll come off as such a geek, and-- OH JEEZ, you did say <em>that</em> and that was REALLY dorky...."</p>

<p>As Fatherofthe (#5) said, a lot of shyness is risk aversion. I don't have any study to cite but I suspect that shy people overstate the "risks" and "consequences of being <em>wrong</em>" in a social situation. </p>

<p>I relate a lot to NSM's (#9) and CGM's (#8) quite a bit.</p>

<p>And always remember Rule 17: Fake it.</p>

<p>Finally, have you ever read "Calvin & Hobbes"? If you have to "be" either a Tyrannosaurus Rex or Spaceman Ziff to get through a situation, then by all means do.</p>

<p>And then there's the Sumerian version of the 32nd Psalm: Yea, for though I walk through the Valley of Social Missteps, I shall fear no faux pas, for I am the orneriest curmudgeon in the valley." You may not have yet acquired the years to wear that one well, but it works.</p>

16

<p>I'm shy, though I'm loud with the few friends I have. I tend to hang back and observe when I'm in a new place and wait for people to approach me. I'm quiet in most of my classes and in school. In fact <em>laughs</em> I got a "Most Likely to be a Blackmailer" because I sit back and don't talk so don't get noticed by many people. </p>

<p>I notice I'm gregarious over the Internet and when I do meet my friends in person (no worries, parents, they were all friends of friends) I get all shy and tongue-tied. </p>

<p>Perhaps this isn't good advice for you, but on one occasion, I got myself "high" on sugar so I was less "inhibited" and talked my mind more. At least it's safer than alcohol (and legal). (Just saying because my tolerance is low.)</p>

<p>I also asked some open-ended questions so the conversation wouldn't drop dead with "Yes" "No" "Yeah, sometimes". Or I'd bring up the semi-typical "What's your favorite color/music/movie/etc" and go on from there. We talked about different concerts, censorship limits and the cultures in our respective countries. So on, so on.</p>

<p>I still have a hard time joining a BIG group of people; I'm much better approaching someone who's sitting/standing along when it concerns total strangers. But heading to college this summer, I've hooked up with some of them via MSN/AIM and so when I meet them in life, at least I'll have something to comment on, even if it's complaining they're wearing pink and they know it. (I hate pink.) As for those I'm not in contact with, I'm sure we'll have something in common, besides our wonderful college, or better yet, our differences to talk about. </p>

<p>You just sometimes gotta push and try a little joke or weird comment. Weirdness breaks the ice, even if you get remarks like "OhmyGod, you're so lame!" :D :p</p>

17

<p>People who are 'shy' by temperament don't mind being shy except for when other people tell them it is a bad way to be. Then they worry about it. They are often slow to warm to new things, slow to adjust to new things- once they get over the newness they are often fine with their situation. They are reserved, but once comfortable they are usually fine. </p>

<p>People with social anxiety are inhibited to talk because of worry for the outcome. They worry they will say the wrong thing, all the time- it doesn't matter if the situation is new, unfamiliar, etc.. The worry is pretty pervasive. </p>

<p>I can speak without anxiety in front of 1000 people I don't know, but I am sometimes uncomfortable meeting new people one-on-one. I am a lot smarter sounding when I have a 'script' or am talking about something I know a lot about. I was shy when young, my mother made me feel like it wasn't a good way to be, and then it became a power struggle for us. Now I know how I am, how to work it out so it doesn't limit me in any substantial way. Others would not guess that I am 'shy' still. </p>

<p>If it is a matter of temperament, gradually challenging yourself is the way to go. Start with people younger than you, activities you really like doing and are good at- in other words, in situations you otherwise like and feel comfortable with- these will be the easiest places to 'go outside yourself'. Try to bring someone you ARE comfortable with to help you 'break the ice' in more challenging situations. </p>

<p>If you have anxiety, CBT is a great approach. It is generalizable so you can apply the strategies to many other aspects of life.</p>

18

<p>Anitaw, as a datapoint of one, I disagree with your assertion that shy people don't mind being shy.</p>

19

<p>When I was shy, I hated being shy. I am so happy that I am no longer shy. It's so nice to be able to go alone to parties and similar things and to think, "I'm going to make some new friends" instead of worrying about whether I'll have the courage to talk to anyone.</p>

20

<p>Many, but not all, cultures value affability- ease of sociability. Hence- though not explicit- the culture is telling you you don't want to be shy- and then it is uncomfortable for you. If your culture places no negative value on shy-ness- it would be a fine way to be. If you grow up in a very quiet, non-social family then you are likely fine with your shy-ness until it interferes with your school/larger life. The Val at our school last year was a VERY shy girl. She was discomforted by it at times, but had the support of her VERY shy mother- and this made it an okay way to be- and, understanding her nature and attributes well, she was able to tolerate the expectations of others that she 'not be shy' as a value-- while still feeling fine with the way she was. She had friends, a social life, but was still very shy. Had she had another, very social mother-- she early on would have felt that she 'didn't make the grade'(there were certainly people in the community who felt that she was odd/whatever) and I am sure it would have impacted her life in a negative way. She has a view of a life path that does not require her to be 'not shy'. I am not sure she would have a better/happier/more complete life were she not 'shy.'</p>

<p>Shyness, like other characteristics of temperament, has to be evaluated in a cultural context as to its relative significance. You can be very socially savvy (know how to make social situations work for you) and still be very shy.</p>