Well, DS1 is not much of a talker or sharer to begin with. He is 28 and lives 800 miles away with his GF. He contacts me when he needs something or to tell me something. I call or FaceTime him just to chat maybe once every 3 -4 weeks. We will typically text once every 2 weeks or so. He can be a little hard to talk to unless he’s in the mood, then they are really good conversations. He actually comes home ALOT, so I don’t really feel like I’m missing out. This is the same as it was when he was in college.
DS2, 25, is a talker and sharer. He lives at home, but we still communicate through text when there is something interesting to say. When he was in college, I probably talked to him once a week, and oftentimes more because he would call to chat on his way to class. He’s such an easy conversationalist.
I used to talk to my kids everyday when they were in college. We now text whenever we have something to tell each other. I do FaceTime with D1 once a week to see the granddaughter. I probably see them every other week in person.
D2 had a mouse in her apartment, which was finally caught yesterday. I got a daily update about the mouse. She just started her law job and she is working 18 hours a day. I don’t think I will be hearing much from her for a while.
I do like text. I could reach my kids very quickly if I need a response quickly.
I call my mom daily because she lives by herself. I enjoy our conversations.
Off-topic but related to communicating with offspring.
I used a texting system when ds started college. I know I got some of the ideas from here on CC. Especially when he first went to college, I didn’t want him to feel obligated to reply to my texts, and I didn’t want to worry if he didn’t. If I had a newsy tidbit that required NO response from him I would preface the text with an, “FYI.” E.g., “FYI, Susie Jones won homecoming.” If I had something that I needed to hear from him on in a reasonable time, I would preface the text with, “??” E.g., “??Have you filed your state tax return?” “??Do you want me to book you a Super Shuttle to the airport?” I also had informed him of the meaning of the, “POL,” (Proof Of Life) text, which I have, thankfully, NEVER had to send.
I had so many friends who would get their feelings hurt because they would send their kids texts and not get responses from them. I wanted to be able to share fun, newsy, or random things with his knowing he did NOT need to reply.
Since graduating, I have added one more which also doesn’t require any response - “IMN,” for “Incoming Mom Nag.” I know I shouldn’t nag him since he is launched, but I am still his mom! I think I’ve used it three or four times in 3 1/2 years. Eg. “IMN - have you found a dentist for cleanings?”
Over time those codes became less necessary, though I still sometimes employ them - especially the “??” one.
Three sons. They are all married and live within 1.5 hour from us. We usually all get together here about once a month. We have a group text of all of us DILs included. And individual texts when needed. A few phone calls here and there. Middle son likes to call more than text.
I hear from D1 (31) daily. She lives close, she and her husband come for dinner and football on Sundays. When she was in college she would often call when she was walking across campus alone.
S2(29) is married with two young daughters (2& 6months). I get a Snapchat of the granddaughters at least once a day. I have a group text with S2 and his wife that is very active. Maybe multiple times a week. Mostly between me and DIL. I go down (80 miles) and watch the girls a couple days a month when DILs mother vacations (she watches them while they work).
S3 (26) lives 400 miles away. We text maybe a couple of times a month. He and DH talk more during football season. We see him in person a few times of year. In college I didn’t hear from him often. For proof of life I would send him a Snapchat (usually of the dog) and see if he opened it, or his bank account was connected to mine so I would check for Chipotle charges.
When long distance calling was expensive, I’d call home weekly, starting in college. When it got to be cheaper, I began calling home daily to talk to my mom. My dad retired and started crashing these calls which made them different, much less fulfilling to my mom and me, who were close. We censored what we said. My mom passed away and now I call my dad daily at the same time. It is one of those “reporting” calls. He talks and I listen.
But the question was about my kids. We used to call them separately once a week. With Covid, we switched to a weekly Zoom call for all of us. I text them in between calls with memes and funny stories and they do the same to me. I’d like to hear from them more often and it be just the two of us, but they have jobs and GFs and I understand they are busy growing up and away.
I don’t like to talk on the phone. The only people I enjoy speaking with are my kids and in the old days my mom. I also save stories to share to make the Zooms more interesting for the kids, even if they are just cat stories.
I too use the POL system. I have one kid that doesn’t talk or text much as all. When he was out of the country at some point I told him he had so send regular proof of life texts. He would send things like “Mom, I’m in the back of a truck. They gave me candy…” This kid doesn’t talk to me much at all these days, but that’s for another thread.
I have a text thread with my other son and his GF, and we probably text most every day for some reason - cute animal pics, etc. Son and I talk maybe once a week.
My husband and his daughter text daily. They talk every couple of days. I probably text her every couple of weeks.
I am a trespasser on this thread, as my only child is applying to college now. I was a bit apprehensive about entering this thread but am glad (relieved!) to see the norm appears to be regular communication between parents and their adult children. I am going to miss D22 so much when she leaves home and I hope she will want to be in regular touch with her parents. (In a way, I am hating this year, even though I am excited for her to head to college and pursue her dreams.)
Really interesting! When I went off to college, I more or less stopped any daily communication with my parents – weeks went by without contact. But that’s how it was at camp, too. The only adult person, or even college student, I knew tethered to parents was my mom, who called her mom (long distance!) almost every day.
I sort of thought that’s how it’d be with my daughter? But no - she texts and calls all the time. And talks to her dad, too, has lunch with him once a week or so. She doesn’t seem needy or clingy about it – I just don’t think she conceives of a reason why she wouldn’t talk to us. Honestly if it weren’t for cellphones I don’t think this would be happening – I’m trying to imagine her spending time with us daily on a hall phone, and just not seeing it.
Come to think of it, I can’t remember how my parents got in touch with me at college. Did they call the hall phone and just leave a message with whoever answered? I can’t remember getting messages like that. I think I got email from my dad now and then, but since I didn’t have a computer, it wouldn’t have been all that timely. Letters? Homing pigeons? Can’t remember.
LOL - My grandmother once called me at college, an unusual thing since most calls were with my parents… initiated by me when I had time (but due to long distance expenses more often I sent a letter). Nanny sounded surprised, “what are you doing there?”. It turns out that she meant to dial my mother’s apartment but accidentally called my dorm room.
So the POL term is new to me. We tried to get son to do Sunday “heartbeat calls” (or emails), but that never really worked out.
In my mother’s later years, she started sending me daily emails with subject line by day. For example, on Sunday evening I’d get a “Sunday” email. It was good for knowing that she was OK while living alone. She’d waited a few paragraphs. I always replied, but sometimes only one or two sentences. For us that worked better than phone calls.
My 20 yr old called me today on his way to work. “Weekly phone call” he said. Then proceeded to tell me about his roommates drunken escapades and how he’s glad he’s rooming with him again next year. Makes me smile as many years of special ed and many years of social anxiety and quirkiness had this mom worried.
I called my parents every day (usually on the way to work). Short calls, longer on weekends. Worked very well - mom was truly my best friend and we could talk about anything and everything. Dad used to pop on for a couple of minutes just to say hi, sometimes would stay longer. Miss that very very much since I lost both of them a few months ago. Mornings are still very difficult for me without that morning call.
D is 28 and lives 10 hours away. Residency doesn’t give her much time. She texts pretty regularly - at least once in a couple of days. Tries to call whenever she has time - sometimes, it is a quick call as she is driving home, sometimes a longer one when she’s home. S is 23 and lives very close by. He texts infrequently - I keep up with his life using social media! He used to be really bad at calling/texting when he was in college - it has improved some now that he’s working. Doesn’t call often but if we do want to talk to him and tell him that, he’ll call.
Do I wish they checked in more regularly? Yes - I’d love the weekly dinner ala Blue Bloods - but what we have now works for me. H would love them to call more often - he is the one that picks up the phone and face times the kids when he’s bored/missing them!
I chat with my adult daughters (25 & 20) on a daily basis. We have a group text where we exchange humorous and/or newsworthy bits of information. D1 lives nearby so we also try to meet up once a month to do something together (e.g. dinner, hike, etc.).
I’m relieved to hear that I’m not the only person who generally lets the kids initiate phone calls! We usually hear from each of them about once a week, more often occasionally. Texts and emails also go (I’ll initiate more of those) and there’s definite POL from viewing social media posts not directly addressed to me.
My daughter wants communication to happen on her timeline and is not happy when we initiate calling. She calls when she has time and is in a mood to talk. Any other way never works out well.
I try to be understanding and know that she struggles with anxiety and OCD. I know she’s very busy. But it’s certainly frustrating that we don’t feel that we can just call her and check up on her.
It’s the only person that is this way within our family. And I promise, we do not overuse and have called all the time. But unless there were a death in the family or a family emergency that a text wouldn’t work, I wait for her to call.
Not a trespasser at all. You can set expectations now. I think a ten minute or so talk once a week is not that onerous. You can set up a regular time if that is easiest. My older son likes to tell us that most of his friends don’t talk to their parents once a week, but he mostly complies by at least showing up/answering his phone. I’ve told him since he lives alone, I worry when I don’t hear from him for two or three weeks and I don’t need more than a text saying, “I’m alive” though I would prefer to talk.
So many great ideas from this thread! I will be using the tip of sending a ‘no reply needed’ heads up (FYI) and will also be conscious that calls should avoid being like a ‘report’! Helpful!
Awesome, general take-away that there are so many different styles of communication with adult kids - all of which are fine. I also feel better!
I’ll throw out there that my son replies much more quickly to a text from me if it is a topic of our mutual interest - e.g., stocks, politics. “How are you doing?” may be a bit ‘momish’ (and maybe intrustive?). LOL.