<p>Reading this thread, it occurs to me that I haven’t spoken to S2 since he went back to school Oct16th after fall break. Probably should find out when he’s planning to arrive for Thanksgiving. He does text DH occasionally; usually with the results of the bball game…</p>
<p>My sister, a senior at Cornell, calls my mom at least 4 or 5 times a week, usually at night.</p>
<p>First I must say that Odessagirl comes home once a month to work hours at her job in order to hold her position for summer hours.</p>
<p>We never talk on the phone. We do text, though. Not every day. Depending on what is going on, a few days a week.</p>
<p>I do like texting, it’s short and to the point. She doesn’t have to answer right away if she is busy. She has never liked talking on the phone, so texting is fine with me.</p>
<p>D is a sophmore and calls often…sometimes too often. She phoned me 3 times today and 3 times yesterday. She phones when she’s walking home or when she has time to kill between classes. She also phones when her room mates are out and she’s alone in the condo. (The girl needs an x box or something.) Not complaining.</p>
<p>My son is a freshman at college. We did not set up an appointed time to call him, but after the first week or so I just started calling him late on a Sunday afternoon thinking this might be a quiet time for him. If he does not answer, I just hang up (he hates accesssing his voicemail) and he calls me when he can later that day…The first weeks he was at college, he was very clear he did not want to hear from us all the time and he was also very clear he did not want help with things regarding college. He said he could do it himself and he wanted to do it himself. I was sending him some emails about things he needed to take care of and he got very angry at me for that. So I listened to him and backed off, and it has worked out much better. Now we talk pretty much every Sunday, and now our conversations are chatty and informative and fun and usually last for up to 45 minutes. He texts me during the week if he has a quick question or is excited about doing well on a exam. It is kinda cute, like he wants to share his joy. He refuses to Skype me, reserves that just for his friends at other colleges and I respect that… He has to have something all his own. Boys are different, they will not be as communicative as daughters, but they still enjoy keeping in touch, on their own time and with their own set of rules. I went to visit him for Family Weekend after not seeing him for two months, and the whole first day I was there with him, as we were shopping, he talked a blue streak, telling me all sorts of stuff…So it can happen!</p>
<p>Rousse54- SONS! </p>
<p>You make me remember my son at that stage. The need for independence coupled with mom knowing his lack of knowledge in some areas. Give them their space and they respond, try to get info and they retreat. I think a once a week brief check is good for parents and not a burden to the student.</p>
<p>Sometimes an email with information you think they can use will get an angry response, but they can read it on their own schedule and absorb the info despite their reaction. Keeping face…</p>
<p>Also, I suspect having the weekly parent contact is reassuring despite any protests. A psychological insurance policy that allows easy ability to talk more if needed on occasion.</p>
<p>Still parenting after they leave the nest, but in a changing way that allows for more independence and necessary separation…</p>
<p>My bottom line- continue with weekly calls despite their reaction and try to wean yourselves if your child is continuing as much contact as when home. Keep the trheads but not strangling ties.</p>
<p>btw- spring of my son’s freshman year a friend still in HS died- the phone calls and emails were very frequent for a few days as we made sure son was handling things and making arrangements for him to come home for the weekend funeral. Having kept the weekly contact meant we weren’t complete strangers and had a sense of how he was doing.</p>
<p>wis75: Thanks for those encouraging words! You certainly understand those sons! Yes, you are right. Once I stopped tellilng him to do things he needed to get done, and listened to him when he said very clearly, " I can do it and I want to do it", our communication vastly improved! Now I sometimes make suggestions in a gentle manner and he doesn’t seem to even mind…As long as it is on his own time and manner, we communicate just fine…Gotta love those boys!</p>
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<p>As the mother of a son, this drives me up the wall. No, boys are not inherently rude. Good grief…and then we wonder why women are expected to tiptoe around men’s egos or “trick” men into thinking something was their idea or whatever flavor of crazy is in style in communicating with men. </p>
<p>I can vouch for the fact that if you hold the line on good manners, for girls and boys, you will end up with a polite adult child with whom you can communicate directly. I thank my lucky stars that my in-laws raised their sons to be polite and respectful men who can deal with direct communication.</p>
<p>Oy!</p>
<p>We are not talking about politeness. </p>
<p>We are talking about mother-son differing ideas on the appropriate amount of words (etc) to be spoken. There are gender differences. Women are known to communicate in different ways and for different purposes than men. This applys to those of us women who chose sciences and have much else in common with men. Recent research seems to point to biological factors as well as cultural reasons for differences- not just genetics, but hormonal influences (think of how testosterone influence differentiates the fetus from female to male in utero). </p>
<p>The son who ignores you at home is often praised by outsiders for his manners and ability to converse. At home behavior is not the same as public behavior. This is especially true for introverts (and drives an extroverted parent crazy- plus vice versa for the child). My son is well mannered and knows how to treat others. I would worry more about the perfect child than the one who rebels and discovers his own person/the one who questions the values his parents instilled instead of not daring to challenge them. Perhaps it is a “clash of titans” among strong willed parents and equally strong willed children that those with other personalities never dealt with and won’t as their child transforms from child to adult.</p>
<p>As much as I like gender equality and women’s lib I have to recognize gender differences. The same as I have to recognize that not all skin tones are the same- and have advantages in different situations (think melanoma and vitamin D production).</p>
<p>I agree with you…My son is a polite, considerate, well-mannered young man. He communicates just fine with me as well as with other people. I am not tip-toeing around him, just trying to learn how to best keep the lines of communication open during this time of him being newly independent from us. What women often forget, is that men are NOT women and they do not respond the same as women to a myriad of situations.</p>
<p>Oh, good grief. I do not subscribe to the theory that our genitalia determines our communication style.<br>
Of course, my son is gay so goodness only knows what gender purists would say about him.</p>
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<p>These seem inconsistent. “Oh good grief” does not qualify around our house as a polite and respectful reply to someone’s genuine and thoughtful communication.</p>
<p>We are not talking about external physical characteristics in referring to gender differences. Current neuroscience research is fascinating. I wish Chemistry had been utilized more by the biological sciences in my day… They have discovered that brain chemistry influences a lot more than physical characteristics. Testoterone levels in both men and women influences thought processing. They have also found that men and women use different parts of the brain to accomplish the same end results using new technologies.</p>
<p>Social scientists have also been busy. Males use conversation in different ways than females. There are a lot of newer books written by reputable scientists now available. Explains a lot. Psychology has advanced far beyond the freudian and other theories once taught- it now makes use of much more science (amazing to look at an AP Psych textbook and find stuff you remember learning in medical school, eg eye anatomy and phyisiology).</p>
<p>Since homosexuality is determined by biology and not a choice/sin/etc, it is likely a homosexual man will have subtle variations in his brain chemistry from most purely heterosexual men, despite having the same physical anatomy. Just as women who are as assertive (whoops, women are aggressive when men are assertive) as men do have differing levels of natural testosterone than women who are much more passive. The nature versus nurture battle keeps changing with new data.</p>
<p>I’m not sure it is gender so much as individual personality and its influences on one’s preferences for communication frequency and methods. </p>
<p>At least two male friends can talk for hours on the phone about any topic whether serious or the completely inane. Something which is a trait most often associated with women. My father is also a bit of a chatterbox on the phone at times. As a fellow male, I am the opposite though I think gender socialization only plays a small part in this. </p>
<p>On the other hand, my mother and I both hate chatting idly on the phone for more than 5 minutes if we had a choice of communication methods. Both of us prefer to only use the phone to communicate critical information or ask/answer questions in an emergency type situation so critical questions/information is communicated and/or answered and thus, something is accomplished in the phone call ASAP. </p>
<p>Mom is an introvert and doesn’t like to idly chitchat in general. Though I love to have conversations and chitchat in real life, I hate doing it over the phone as I fear it becoming a huge timesink/mental distraction from other matters in my school/work/personal life as well as the fact I cannot see the other person’s body language and mannerisms. For long distance communication that does not require immediacy…we both prefer long emails or letters. </p>
<p>As for communication frequency during college, neither of my parents had set communication expectations when I left for college at 17. During my 4 years of college, my communication frequency would certainly be considered “non-communicative” and even “rude” by some parents here. </p>
<p>However, it more than suited my parents fine as: </p>
<p>1). My father lived on his own since 12 and thus, felt it was time I learned how to start learning how to manage my own life without being dependent on them at 17 when I started college. </p>
<p>2). Following point 1, he would have been aghast at suggestions his college aged children should communicate at least once a week…he’d feel that’s excessive and shows the parent has little/no faith in his/her child and/or overprotective coddling which could undermine one purpose of attending college away from home…learning how to manage one’s life independent of parents/adult supervisory figures. </p>
<p>3). Both parents came from a society where there was an expectation that college students are to be treated as full-fledged independent adults…and they, in turn, were to behave accordingly. The mere idea of a parent calling a college-aged child every week would have caused others to wonder about the child’s maturity and/or whether the parents were being too overprotective about their 17-21 year old children…especially in a society when males of that age could be called up to do 2 years of mandated military service at any point and females had to undergo weapons training and military drills in a nation which was under immediate threat of invasion back then. </p>
<p>4). Parents had no leverage financially as they had little financial means back then. Fortunately, my undergrad was completely financed through a near-full ride scholarship, a tiny loan, and wages from my part-time/summer jobs to defray whatever wasn’t covered. Parents never had to pay a dime and I graduated debt-free from a private SLAC (loan was paid-off during my final year in college). </p>
<p>5). Saw how excessive family demands for communication/family time from parents* of older cousins was a critical factor in their mediocre to horrid academic performance during their college/grad school years. In fact, it was a major factor in causing one of them to drop out of grad school without degree. Understandably…I had no intentions of following in their footsteps. </p>
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<li>Those aunts and uncles didn’t seem to understand that expecting their kids to come home every month or even every weekend to take part in family social stuff when they are away in college/grad school could potentially undermine and even deep-six one’s academic progress.</li>
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<p>Both my kids (S & D), call when they need something. D also sometimes calls just to chat. S calls more when I’m busy & he’s curious about what I’m up to–D is curious too & asks why there is so much noise in the background (I’m often at a restaurant or in a meeting when she calls). Both kids do a LOT better when they call when THEY want and they take charge of the flow of the conversation. I talk about what I’m doing, what H is doing, answer questions and let them talk about what’s happening in their world. If I ask questions, they mostly clam up, but if THEY direct the conversation, I learn quite a bit & we both enjoy the talk much more!</p>
<p>I have learned the hard way that “forcing” phone calls just doesn’t work for us. (By forcing, I don’t mean even strong insisting, even mild suggesting that S calls feels forced.) He does not really like to talk on the phone even with his friends. He does like to text and will send me random texts telling me of a favorite food being served or an activity on campus. The longest phone conversations that we have had were when he called because he needed to vent about his roommate, his classes, his club sport. The most welcome call that we received was while he was walking to class last week and had to call because he was happy and wanted to share the good news that he had gotten all 4 of the classes that he wanted for spring term.</p>
<p>When I consider how much my kids do (or don’t) call home, I think of that scene in Annie Hall–I would tell you that they hardly ever call home and they would tell you that they are always calling home. And we’d be talking about the same number of phone calls!</p>
<p>I have found this thread really interesting. We live in Zimbabwe, (Southern Africa),my son is an international student, sophomore, at a small LAC upstate NY. I was distraught when he left last year, we are close. He is a really polite kid and has done very well in most aspects of college life, he is blossoming into a wonderful young man, though he does seems to have discovered Smirnoff looking at the odd fb photo!(he is 21 next month). He comes home for 3 weeks at Christmas, and I was lucky enough to fly over to the US and spend some time with him during the summer this year. But the comms have been the biggest adjustment. Texting used to work pretty well (a bit of a session perhaps once a fortnight), but last three months US texts are no longer being delivered here. S is pretty good if I request a skype session, which I generally do every 16 days or so. But I just don’t get the info I would like, not even sure what subjects he has chosen for next semester. However he is apparently doing well academically and extramurally, the Dean has written to me to tell me he is a great kid, and of a couple of projects he has been selected to work on with the Dean. But no idea what his midterm grades were. So obviously its just a case of different needs, mine and his! I have been really good about allowing him his space, and have yesterday nd today had three chatty mails telling me of the trip to meet the new girlfriends folks, the new acapella group he has formed at the college, he is the president…who knew. Just a slightly different scenario for the CC parents to learn of…</p>
<p>I should have added to the above post that I do email S once a week with news etc and sms him a couple of times a week although the messages just disappear into cyberspace with no reply! (I like the feeling that he hears from me though…) We speak on the phone when the bandwidth here messes with the skype reception, but phonecalls can be costly.</p>
<p>OP: DD used to call twice during the freshman year but stopped calling during the day in the sophomore year. According to her the schedule is too busy to get any time during the day. So now she call before retiring to bed which can be very late but since she is on East coast and we are on West it works out fine.
I text her during my lunch everyday and she text back when ever she has time, so it’s working fine. I just do that to make the point that if I can find time to text her from my busy schedule she should not feel bad to call us once a day.</p>