<p>catNdog good point about reading the face- esp helpful with some boys who aren’t as forthcoming with their emotions</p>
<p>We talk to our prep daughter about 2-3 times a week, sometimes we go a week without talking to her. But she rarely e-mails or returns calls so we try to catch her when we know she’ll be in her room (i.e. after 8:00 p.m, on Wednesday afternoons, during her free period). She has actually complained about us not calling enough because her friends parents call every day. That just seems overbearing to me. We were advised during orientation that too much contact makes homesickness worse, so that’s just something to think about. If you don’t have a cell (she doesn’t), you have to use phone cards for long distance, the school only provides local service on the room phone. Skype is okay too but we disengaged it after we found she was using it to contact friends instead of doing her homework.</p>
<p>I don’t mind be an overbearing parent :)…if I left it up to my S, we’d probably only talk once a week. So I told him that I want to hear from him every day, if only (and it usually is) for a minute. He usually initiates call at his convenience, but if he doesn’t call, I do call him, just to see how his day was. I need it more than him, but I also have to remember that he is only 14, even if seemingly very independent.</p>
<p>skibum4, agreed! Hey, I am very, er, “present” 
(but my child loves it regardless of the complaints) in her life, so why change over distance? I’m going to do what I know is needed regardless of how it may perceived by others. I am by no means overprotective so it’s not that type of thing… it all depends on your parenting style. Different fit for different teens/parents and all that jazz - and it will transform over time I’m sure. </p>
<p>PA-C, I find it very useful to have face-to-face talks!</p>
<p>The title says it all. When my son went away to college my husband layments constantly that he doesn’t call him. When my son does call he can’t get off the phone with his father and consequently want to talk to him even less.
I feel I keep my need to be in contact with my son alive much more effectively by adjusting to his needs. College kids text. As a result I hear from my son at least three times a week, sometimes more. I am also the primary one dealing with his finances, food options, study opportunities, relationship advise etc. Because it is all about him, he WANTS to contact me.
This is not the time to train your child about relationships requiring two way give and take. That should have been done before they left or they will learn it on their own.<br>
I get what I want - which is to know what my son is doing - because I respect his time and method of communication. Also, keep it short. If I don’t hear from my son in about four days I text him - sup?
I usually get a paragraph back. In a year and a half he has only not responded once. And I DO have his roomates phone number and am friends on facebook with a club he is in and his advisor.</p>
<p>1in1: BS=boarding school–wrong board for advice about college students!</p>
<p>1in1ontheway wrote
</p>
<p>I think that’s good advice no matter what age the child is! At this point, I don’t want to think about the times I’ve gotten emailed pleas for help, only to respond with a phone call and be told (1) “What emergency?” and (2) “I can’t be on the phone now, I’ve got to go to [fill in the blank].”</p>
<p>The first time away from home is the first time away from home (for both of you) no matter whether it’s at Deerfield or XYZ State College.</p>
<p>^^ Yes, this was true for me, too. Letting my son set the tone and cadence of communication yielded the most treasure. Phone calls to the kid are especially tough because you rarely catch him or her at the right moment.</p>
<p>^^Texting seems to be what DS enjoys the most. It has its up and downs. In general, I like the momentary assurance that he’s happy and engaged. He’ll write a brief snippet about what he’s doing, and he’s not alone, he’s hanging out with other kids engaged in an activity. The down is there’s no time or place for “reflection” on the process, but <em>I’m</em> almost certainly the one who wants that more than he does, and anyway, that’s probably what the longer holiday breaks are for. For my DS, I think the independence of being able to use text and NOT have to check in with us via voice or videochat feels like a great freedom, so as long as reports from the advisor are good, I’m (reluctantly) willing to go along, because the texts keep coming, so I get at least a brief check-in most every day.</p>
<p>wait for the breaks, then the kids will talk a lot about their experiences. i know i talked to my parents a lot last year but this year its more texting and five minute calls every now and again due to the amount of time i dont have.</p>
<p>I agree with the above; follow the kids’ lead in terms of how they communicate (text, chat, skype, or call). My kid, for example, likes to call when he’s walking to meals or athletic practice. I’d never catch him at the right time if I tried to call him, so if I have something I really need to say, I shoot him an email. </p>
<p>My only caveat is that if a kid isn’t calling OR texting OR messaging, I’d advise setting up some kind of check-in a few days a week. Based on the (admittedly anecdotal) experiences on this board, kids who ran into long-term trouble at school, either academically or socially, were often not communicating with their parents. When they started talking, things started to improve. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s the length or method of contact that matters, but I think that as parents, we’re best at assessing quickly, through a tone of voice or what the kid’s saying, whether things are going okay. No one else is going to know our kids as well as we do, or care about them as much, no matter how nurturing the boarding school environment. </p>
<p>That said, I think it’s also important to not take those stressed-out phone calls or messages as a sign of imminent disaster. I’ve learned that I’m my kids’ wailing wall; they pour it all out on me and then, nearly always, feel better, though I’m not always a recipient of the improved mood. Just a different version of running to mom for a quick owie assessment when they were little. :)</p>
<p>classicalmama-haha i call my parents when im on my way to sports too. lol</p>
<p>Find out if your child’s BS has a campus webcam. Choate has a webcam pointed at one of the central playing fields/walkways. Our son passes it every day several times. Occasionally, he’ll call and say “quick mom, pull up the ChoateCam–I’m walking by waving on my way to <whatever>.” If I’m at my computer (usually at work), I have a quick link to the cam and can see him waving and walking. Usually, he’ll stop in view for a minute and chat. Yesterday, he called to say he’d just picked up a package from us and was on his way back to his dorm room. It was cool to see him wave the package I had just mailed a couple of days ago. Probably for student security sake, the cam is far enough from the field of view that you can’t really distinguish one student from another very well, but it’s still fun, and helps us feel connected. We let our son initiate all communication. This is his third full week of school (first year), and he’s so busy, we don’t think it’s fair to burden him with an obligation he just doesn’t have time for. When he does call, it’s wonderful (and never enough), but we’re comfortable letting him take the lead.</whatever></p>
<p>@Choatiemom, Thats so funny that you mentioned the cam. I wanted my son to call me from that spot too. He wont carry his phone around so texting before study hall is all I get from him. So far he seems to be very busy but is enjoying his first month of school.</p>
<p>This was a bit of a rocky area for us. D is very independent, but we definitely do need to keep in touch. The wheels come off a bit when we are not in her life, we have found.</p>
<p>9th grade year, we tried for 3x a week, setting the time from call to call. It was always us calling her! And half the time she forgot, was not in her room, near her phone, etc.
Eventually by the middle of grade 10 we found a good solid routine- we speak twice a week, same two eves at same time.
It seems to help for me to send her an email that day to remind her, in case she is in the study room and forgets, but is looking at email.</p>
<p>We live a plane-ride and drive away from her school, so visiting is not easy for us.</p>
<p>My question: How often do you VISIT your child at BS???
(I am thinking that call frequency may be lower if you get there in person more often…?)
Anyway, I am very interested in the range of frequency of VISITS!!</p>
<p>We, too, are a plane ride away and will probably only visit on Parents Weekend (once a year). We’ve not really given much thought to call frequency as we just assumed that our son will call when he has time and wants/needs to. We’re not big phone talkers. We’re new at this, though, so that may change with experience. I will probably be more concerned as he adjusts to BS life and is more in control of his time/routine (has more time on his hands to be “creative”). We were surprised at how short his actual away time is. We dropped him off three weeks ago; we’ll see him at the end of October (Parents Weekend); he’ll be home for Christmas/winter break, then spring break, and then he’ll be home for the summer, so he’s really not gone more than a few weeks at a time. For us, the one Parents Weekend visit seems like it will nicely balance our family time throughout the year, giving him just enough away time to be independent while knowing that he will be home or see us soon. Again, I may have a different opinion by the end of the school year but, right now, I think this will work for us.</p>
<p>CM,
Where is your son going for Thanksgiving Break?</p>
<p>@performersmom: Oh, I forgot that one (ha!). He’ll be coming home for all breaks this year at least. We’ve been told that after the kids make friends they sometimes get invited to go to friends’ homes, so maybe in the future he’ll be invited to spend some of his break time elsewhere. We’ve made sure he knows that his friends are always welcome to visit with us. We live in a warm-climate state, so perhaps when the kids are getting frosty back east they may want to accompany him back here to thaw. Where is your student going?</p>
<p>Sorry-to reveal that would be TMI for my family, CM!!</p>
<p>Different region, different climate, takes a long time to get there.
Same for her older sister- going to a college far from home.
Neither come home for long weekends- we travel to them, if we see each other at all.
They are not near each other, either LOL.</p>
<p>There are many international students from overseas at BS, so they have to figure all this out.</p>
<p>Also different region, different climate, takes a long time…though not so far that he can’t make it home for major breaks. </p>
<p>Breaks/parent’s week-end were a bit too far apart for our kid, so one parent flew in for a long week-end between winter and spring break and a grandparent visited between spring break and summer vacation. We’ll most likely do something similar this year. It was actually a lot of fun for the adults and a quick once a month face-to-face with family seemed to be what our kid needed. It may be that our kid likes more family face time than the average teen though.</p>