How responsible am I for my roommate?

Parents Forum
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<p>For years, my son needed his medication in a fridge. If staying in a hotel, I would request a fridge in advance (if not already there). I cannot imagine sending him to college without a fridge, if that was necessary. For the record, there were full kitchens on each floor, so son nor roommate brought fridge or m/w. </p>

<p>Like busyperson, my initial thought was that this gal was enjoying eating “forbidden” foods. Still, when she pointed the blame on the OP, it was time to speak up, especially in front of this gal’s mother. Enough is enough.</p>

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<p>The Op’s roomie has not stolen anything. This what gets @lanahere all riled up (although it’s based on low income, not race, @lanahere); and I agree. The Op and roomie had an agreement that they would “share their snacks.” The roomie is eating most of the snacks that both the Op’s and the roomie’s families have provided. Since this was the original agreement, the Op has the option of

  1. Talking with roomie and say that Op would like to change their agreement and that they do not share snacks anymore (as many posters have suggested)
  2. Not bring anymore snacks into the room (what I and others have suggested)
  3. Continue to bring in snacks and lock them or hide them (as others have suggested)</p>

<p>Who cares how the roomie deals with her diabetes? Op is not the diabetic police. Op just needs to know to give some juice or hard candy if roomie faints.</p>

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<p>“What really finally aggravated me was yesterday I asked her if she wanted to go to the store with me this weekend to get some food. She said no, she was going home, but she would make me a list of things I could get for her (no mention of payment).”</p>

<p>This where you have to ask about being reimbursed. “I don’t have any money but this is what I would like you to purchase for me,” is just not acceptable and you have to make that very clear. She’s making herself your problem but she can’t do that without your cooperation. I don’t think it has anything to do with poverty either, btw. It has to do with manipulation. </p>

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<p>It’s the second week of school, nobody should have to stay living with someone they already have to hide things from. I restate, this has nothing to do with poverty. I had a roommate my sophomore year. Four girls sharing a rental house. One of the girls was really pretty, middle class, dad was a dentist. She used to talk about how her mom sent her to college to find a rich husband. Anyways this girl was terminally “soo broke” yet always dressed really cute, was in a sorority and her mom was sending her money each week. She got a couple of part time jobs and they would last two weeks before she quit. She would steal all of our food and alcohol. Never buy her own. This transitioned into small amounts of money being stolen from all of us and even jewelry going missing. She was constantly full of drama in her personal life, trading boyfriends for those she thought were from wealthier families. At the end of the year she went home a couple of days early and never gave anyone her share of the cable or electrical bills for the last month of service. Also left tons of junk in her room. Do not live with someone like this. It is a constant source of distraction and aggravation. Some people are just manipulative, narcissistic, and bad. Avoid them.</p>

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<p>I have also known type 1 diabetics who were not at all compliant with the diet they were supposed to follow. There were two on my dorm floor my sophomore year. They actually took turns getting out their minds drunk so the sober one could keep an eye the medical status of the one who got drunk. It was crazily irresponsible and scary to the rest of us. People do not always do what they should. </p>

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<p>OP–sounds like you’re getting more education than you wanted in the first short weeks of college!
You are doing great and I think your plan of action is good. It is extremely hard to find that balance of being a friend, being compassionate and protecting yourself all at the same time.
Just learn to set the boundaries (as you’re already doing) and know you’ll probably have to move the boundary lines as situations change. I’m sure your parents are supportive of you and will help you figure this out–but if their advice seems callous at any point (but it probably won’t) just know that YOU are their concern as it should be. That advice might include changing roommates–don’t let a roommates problems derail your own studies and goals. Your priority is your studies–that’s your job. You cannot “save” your roommate–it’s a long time growing problem that is complicated and you can’t provide a quick fix.</p>

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<p>There could be many reasons for the roommate’s behavior, but none of them are anything the OP can control. The only thing the OP can do is choose what she is going to do. </p>

<p>The way I read the issue is that, with room mates, there is usually some kind of reciprocity that goes on, and is sort of an underlying social expectation. We all know that if a friend buys us coffee, the next time we should buy it. If it gets where one person is always paying for something- even little things- then it becomes awkward. It doesn’t even have to be about money. Parents can take turns driving each other’s kids to school, and people tend to take turns having each other over. There is sort of an underlying expectation to reciprocate in a friendship.</p>

<p>It doesn’t have to be 50-50, and in this case, the OP was willing to do more than that. What happened was that the room mate did not reciprocate. This isn’t necessarily because of low income. The student I mentioned before always offers to pay her part. The OP didn’t mind buying snacks, she just wanted the room mate to take a turn too, and when it became on sided, it created resentment.</p>

<p>I don’t know why the room mate behaves the way she does. She could be depressed, overwhelmed, not well physically- anything. However, the OP doesn’t have to feel responsible for her room mate’s behavior. It is more than just snacks and it is more than a college freshman friend can handle, so she should be referred to college staff. </p>

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<p>Many teens with Type I diabetes rebel when they hit adolescence or when they go off to college. It’s not at all unusual for college students with diabetes to eat poorly, quit exercising, and drink too much alcohol - just like it’s not at all unusual for ANY college student to eat poorly, quit exercising, and drink too much. </p>

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This description suggests that the roommate shared something in return with the OP. That does not sound like that happened, other than what the roommate implied to her mom.So, if the roommate did not “steal” she certainly also did not “share”. Sounds like the roommate appropriated the food.</p>

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<p>I think there is some kind of eating disorder going on with the roomie - the food hiding, and the bingeing on snacks. Could be part of rebelling from strict dietary guidelines. I hope she gets counselling. It’s definitely outside of OP’s responsibility though.</p>

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<p>I don’t know what your definition of “sharing” is, but eating most of the snacks certainly doesn’t fit in with the understanding of that term that I or most folks in my old what was then mostly lower-income neighbors operated under. Especially when lies and deflection of blame are being used by the one who has eaten most of the snacks. </p>

<p>What this roommate has done wasn’t sharing, but crossed over into “moocher” territory…especially considering the roommate isn’t even trying to ameliorate the situation like taking a campus job…especially considering she’s taking a light academic load and has lied in the process of deflecting blame for it onto OP to avoid issues with her own mother. </p>

<p>At this point, there’s a definitive demonstration of problematic character on the part of that roommate which has nothing to do with SES and more to do with her as an individual person. </p>

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<p>FWIW, the OP’s story sounds true to me (also a long time poster/reader of threads). It seemed to me the OP didn’t jump on the background of the roommate until other posters asked if she was a URM. She did not start out disrespectful of anyone’s minority status, to my reading. Although I am successful now, I came from a financially challenged family. My father dropped out of HS to help his family in the “great” depression, and I worked in HS and in college, and I went to school on loans and scholarships. I would never have taken (yes taken- to take it all is NOT sharing) my roommate’s stuff in the manner described. The part about the keurig coffee pot really got me, since I told my own daughter that she could not have one, since it is too expensive! To expect someone else to buy it for you really takes the cake. OP, you have been manipulated by a master. Moochers always have a million excuses why they can’t get a job, pay their own way, etc. etc. They are ill, have too many problems, etc etc. etc. Moochers transcend race, socioeconomic status, and education. </p>

<p>A brief story: In my own college, I gave up the meal plan to save money, and cooked my dinners in the dorm kitchen. One year another friend decided she wanted to do the same, and we agreed to take turns cooking. That was fine. She held up her end of the bargain to my complete satisfaction. However, another friend of hers thought it was a good set up and he said he wanted to join us. Yet, he never took turns cooking or buying the groceries. First he said that we girls should cook and hew would pay us back. Perhaps you guessed, he didn’t pay us back. First I complained to the other girl who was better friends with him. Supposedly he told her he would pay us back, but he didn’t. Finally, I had to confront him myself. He was from a family paying full tuition, had a car and from my point of view, plenty of money, and from the upper socioeconomic class. I have no idea why he did this. When I said that I really didn’t have money, and was barely scraping by myself and couldn’t afford to buy food for him, he relented and repaid me. So at heart he wasn’t terrible, but something was off. I knew our friendship would be damaged, and it was, but I really couldn’t afford to pay for him. I also couldn’t afford it emotionally. I couldn’t pay for someone else when I was struggling myself. The OP seems to be struggling emotionally with this (she asked for advice to us and at her college) too. Let’s not call her ugly names for saying that the roommate was from any particular racial group.</p>

<p>Now that I am no longer struggling in life, I tell my own D to be generous with those that have less. I hear stories where she may be dismayed that she gave more money, emotional support or whatever to a friend than she felt she got back. These are important lessons to learn - give and take. No relationship is ever really 50/50, but it should never be 100/0 either. If someone is uncomfortable, they need to set the boundaries. It is easy for us old folks here to say do it, but in the beginning it is hard. Parents on this forum have been through a lot - multiple college kids, children getting married, even grandchildren, divorces, illnesses etc. The young students are now just losing their innocence. They are finding out that not everyone shares equally, is generous, or even cares to try.</p>

<p>Good luck to the OP.</p>

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You’re not the only one. OP must have to supply the k-cups, too, which aren’t cheap. </p>

<p>I hope OP keeps us updated. </p>

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<p>I hope she gets a new room over the next couple of days. No child should have to deal with this. Not being able to trust a desperate roommate is incredible stressful. ):</p>

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<p>I don’t know how the poster who wrote the first paragraph has come to any understanding that what is happening remotely resembles “sharing.”</p>

<p>When I was in college, I never had two nickels to rub together. Yet somehow I managed to keep my paws off my wealthy roommate’s stuff. Oh…and I worked part time the entire time I was at school because I needed to. I was thrilled, THRILLED to find an on campus job that I could work around my schedule and the fact that I didn’t have a car. </p>

<p>This is not about being poor, this is about character.</p>

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<p>The OP didn’t say anything about her roommate’s race. She said the family was low income. Several other people jumped to the conclusion that she was an URM, and I objected to that. Then the OP clarified. So to suggest that the OP is making racist assumptions is grossly unfair.</p>

<p>I certainly agree that the roomie has not behaved well, but like the OP I am inclined to have compassion for her. She has a lot going on. Talk about stress! Of course it is not the OP’s responsibility to ensure her health, mental OR physical, or to feed her. But there is always room for kindness and generosity, and I applaud the OP for showing both. Setting limits that make her comfortable is a necessity, but I don’t understand the parents who seem to actually WANT the roommate to fail ASAP. I really do not.</p>

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<p>^^^I agree the OP has displayed a LOT of kindness and generosity. She needs guidance on how to reign this in and establish some pretty firm boundaries, because it appears the roommate is very clued in to the fact that she seems to avoid confrontation and appears unable to set reasonable limits.</p>

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<p>I don’t think anyone wants the roommate to fail. But, they don’t want the OP taken advantage of either It sounds like that’s what happening.</p>

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<p>I’ve followed this thread without commenting for a while. I suspect a severe eating disorder, which is why the roommate never eats in front of others, but binges uncontrollably. One of my family members was bulimic, and she would insist that she wasn’t hungry, decline offers of food, and then devour bags of candy and junk food. There is usually a lot of shame involved in this disease, and it is not completely unrelated to the diabetes aspect - she might have grown up craving and hiding indulgences in sweets, for instance. At any rate, eating disorders are dangerous, potentially deadly diseases. The OP is powerless to stop this, and can only discuss her concerns with responsible parties at the college. The daytime sleeping patterns suggest acute depression, furthermore. The roommate has presumably performed well enough to earn a scholarship to a four-year residential college, and is struggling with some life-threatening demons now. This is not about who pays for bags of chips and cookies. There are obviously some enormous health issues involved. The parents might well be in denial about the eating disorder, or it might have been incipient while the daughter was at home. They probably supervised her diet, and focused - as people of limited means have no choice but to do - on short-term necessities. I do think it’s advisable - for both the OP and her roommate - that she stop purchasing snacks in bulk. Would you buy wholesale quantities of alcohol if you feared your roommate was an alcoholic? The OP seems to have a generous, compassionate spirit - never lose that, and never listen to people who tell you that you should lose it. Simply be as generous and compassionate to yourself as you would be to others (and vice versa). The Golden Rule works both ways. </p>

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<p>Thank you everyone for bringing up some different sides of the conversation. The thought of an eating disorder never crossed my mind, as neither did the idea of my roommate eating all the snack foods because they had been denied to her as a child. But the pattern makes sense. I said this a few pages ago, but to remind everyone, I am not buying anymore snacks to keep in the room for the time being.</p>

<p>My roommate did bring a bag of cheese-puff type chips from home today. However, she said nothing to me about them and when I came back after class, they were already half gone.</p>

<p>To those who have brought up the Keurig- this was an item that I was thankful to get from my uncles last Christmas, along with a few packages of K-cups. So I guess when my roommate mentioned the possibility of one, it didn’t strike me as odd because I already had one. I use it every day, but I just use it to make hot water to put a tea bag in. I am not sure of how often roomie uses it- at least never when I am in the room.</p>

<p>Here are two things I would like some advice on:</p>

<p>1.I guess what is really frustrating me is how my roommate doesn’t seem to care about me or be interested in me. For example, she went home this weekend and said she would be back Sunday. I come home from a long shift Sunday night (about 11) and roomie is no where to be found. I got a little panicked and texted her- now she says she is coming back early tomorrow morning. So I go to bed, wake up, and am getting dressed when roomie comes in. I say “Hey roomie! How was your weekend?” “Oh, it was good” “Wow, I bet you guys had to leave so early! How was your drive up here?” “Oh it was good”. End of conversation. I leave for class feeling a little angry. Nothing about “hey Kgal, how was your weekend? Oh you were sick all weekend? That sucks!”. I know people have mentioned that my roommate doesn’t want to hear about my amazing fabulous life I am living, so that is why she doesn’t ask. But I have the same life as every other freshman college student. I do homework. I go to class. Sometimes I go to a fun activity, but it isn’t like I am going to say “Oh yeah Roomie, I had a great weekend, drove my Lamborghini to New York to pick up my handsome boyfriend, it was amazing!” I hate going into the dorm and hearing all these girls laughing and talking with their roommates while mine basically ignores me. It makes me not want to include her in things or try to do fun things with her. If I honestly felt that she liked me and cared about me, this situation probably wouldn’t be a big deal. But how do I make it better? I can’t put something like this in the roommate agreement haha.</p>

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<li>Also, when my roommate has discussed her money troubles, I mentioned the idea of a student loan. She said there is no way she could get one. I obviously don’t want my roommate to have to take out loans, and certainly not so she can buy snacks for the room. But it seemed like a possible solution for when one is a few thousand dollars away from making the tuition payment. Can someone clarify this for me? Why would one not be able to get a loan? Reading on here makes it seem like banks will give a loan to anyone for any reason.</li>
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