How responsible am I for my roommate?

Parents Forum
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<p>@LanaHere‌ - This OP’s story has all the hallmarks of stark truth. Similar scenarios are being repeated at almost every college across this country. Reams of studies have confirmed the possible complications for college students who are 1st gen and low-income. I have not found this thread offensive at all, as it’s not grouping all students who are 1st gen or low-income as the same. Each student is unique and comes to college with various advantages, competencies, resources, and abilities. Identity is not destiny. This case, however, is a profound case study, imho. I wish both OP and roommate find good solutions. </p>

<p>Must note, however, that colleges abide by a policy called Satisfactory Academic Progress (SAP). The two markers are cumulative GPA and “completion rate” (finishing courses with A-D grades and avoiding Fs and Withdrawals) where you have to complete at least 2/3rds of your credits in a semester. If a student doesn’t meet or exceed those two markers, they go on probation for the following semester (usually). If they run two semesters out of compliance with SAP, they are dismissed. Financial aid is linked to this, of course. Many scholarships also required a minimum cumulative GPA. </p>

<p>Separately, financially, if any student (even a straight-Aer) hasn’t settled their semester bill by the start of the following semester, they can be dropped from their classes (or blocked from registering). </p>

<p>I really don’t think schools focus on this enough with prospective or new students. Then, you get the tragedies, like the story of the OP’s roommate. </p>

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<p>I’m not getting why the op saying she was fine with bringing most of the stuff for the room is seen as a warning sign to anything. My d has a previously unknown roommate this year and we brought pretty much everything for their apartment for reasons completely personal to our extended family. The roommate happened to be an international student whose schedule for orientation meant she was coming straight from Israel with the clothes on her back. (Parents came a couple of days later with stuff) so it worked out. My kids are first generation college students and for my first, those of you with experience would have called us trolls for all the things we didn’t know, mistakes made, and ignorance. It did get better. But I dont see that the op did anything wrong. It is a confusing situation and the inconsistencies could be from misinformation put out by the roommate. I’ll tell you what, though, when my son goes to college I won’t rely on a stranger for the safety of his medication.</p>

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<p>OP is such a nice person </p>

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<p>@lanahere,</p>

<p>I’m quoting you:
"Lazy, don’t want to work, liars, thieves, don’t want to better themselves, don’t respect friendship, don’t take care of their health, low income, hopeless.:</p>

<p>The majority of these comments were based on the knowledge that the Op’s roomie was low income and struggling to pay the monthly tuition/roomandboard fee along with eating Op’s food. I agree that many of the above comments can be construed as snarky, un-compassionate, and off-topic (as these cc thread tend to usually spin out of control). However, I have to point out to you that these comments were made by posters without the knowledge of Op’s roomie’s URM status. The other posters are not making any judgments on URMs, but more like making judgments on low income people. I’m not saying that the other posters are correct or not, but please stop calling out “URM - unfair!” It would be more correct to say “low income - unfair!” Also, there were other posters who relayed their experiences with low income kids and adults.</p>

<p>Your quote again: “Keep focusing and succeed!!!” This is the problem with Op’s roomie. Op’s roomie seems to be overwhelmed. It would be great if Op’s roomie could reach out to an advisor or counselor within the school to get some help. And, no, this is not the Op’s responsibility.</p>

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<p>

No, it is NOT your responsibility to try to make sure your roommate stays healthy. That is HER responsibility. (Of course, by keeping snacks out of the room you will be doing something to help her to keep healthy, as carb binges by a diabetic are most certainly unhealthy!)</p>

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<p>I agree some posts were quite harsh to OP’s roomie and uncalled for.</p>

<p>The overall discussion, however, is interesting. Studies show that first gen students have a higher drop out rate. This is a glimpse into some of the possible reasons behind that. I do not mean this in a critical way, but more in a way of wondering what can be done to increase their success rates.</p>

<p>About the working: It is easy for us to admonish OPs roommate for not jumping out there and getting a job. But, there are sometimes barriers to getting jobs that we do not see. I was talking to a competent teen last week about finding a job. This teen has had a rough life. She was insistent that no one would want to hire her because she had no skills and would be bad at anything she tried to do. I do not think she had a sense of entitlement at all–it was more that she had a crushed sense of self worth and was terrified of even trying. I am NOT saying this is the case for the roommate but it is certainly oversimplifying the situation to immediately criticize roommate for not getting a job when we do not know her story. Sometimes even knowing a person’s story doesn’t bring understanding.</p>

<p>To OP: this may end up being a huge part of your education. Seeing another slice of America and learning how to navigate through tricky situations. Wishing you all the best!</p>

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<p>I think a Facebook conversation before meeting involving a a list of things you want but cannot afford and are hoping your roommate can supply would be concerning. A Keurig? lol. Most of this is about boundaries. These people are not family. They are not even friends. They are random roommates. The responsibility is zero. And, compassion has nothing to do with it. Although, I do think it’s more common than we may think for people without enough funding to show up at colleges and hope for the best it’s certainly not another student’s problem. And students drop out because of money issues all the time so this probably happens alot. Taking advantage of a roommate, lying, and manipulating are still not okay, though and why it’s happening is kind of irrelevant… </p>

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<p>I mentioned this before that a risk factor that colleges have identified for not graduating is the student not being socially connected to the college - not making friends and not joining activities. Some colleges have developed a campus “culture of success” and hired support staff to promote success and graduation. Students on need based aid whose grades drop will have financial aid notified because successfully attaining college credit is a requirement to receive that aid. At this time, a student may also be referred to staff at college who will see what barriers there are to achievement and refer the student for where to get help- student health, counseling, and more. However, a student can fall behind before being noticed and because of confidentiality, a parent may not know at all. </p>

<p>I advised the OP to refer her room mate for support from school staff. The OP did what I think a kind hearted 18 year old would do, and that is to share and be supportive to her room mate, but then realized that there were issues that are beyond the capacity of a peer to help with. It is hard to know what factors prevent a particular student from becoming immersed in college life, but we do know that not being involved can be a downward emotional spiral. I think colleges are becoming more aware of these barriers and are attempting to implement interventions to remove them.</p>

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<p>Firstly, if you think this is a trolling article, I would think you would be smart enough to stay off the thread.</p>

<p>Secondly, the factor that is most important here is money. The OP must agree that even if the roommate gets a job to pay for snacks etc., the roommate is NOT going to be able to pay for college without her parents putting in a lot of dough (or digging up wherever they expected FA to come from).</p>

<p>I believe there is some misinformation on this thread, based on what I know from working at a university and dealing with kids in the OP’s roommates situation, every single semester, and sometimes over years.</p>

<p>So, based on my experience working for a university:

  1. Universities do NOT throw out students immediately for non-payment.
  2. Universities DO cancel registration for classes by a particular, hopefully early, date in the semester so that technically, a student whose bill has not been paid is not allowed to attend classes.
  3. Universities do their best to retain all of their students, even if there is money trouble, and partial payment and development of a payment plan does happen.</p>

<p>On point 1: Yes, they will throw someone out: cancel all their classes for the semester with no option to re-register, take them off the meal plan, and evict them from their dorm room once it is clear that the student’s family cannot pay. This usually is allowed to take up to one month. The first notification is usually in the first week of classes.</p>

<p>On point 2: Professors are told whose registrations have been cancelled. However, most professors have no problem with a student contacting them and asking to remain in the class, physically, and doing homework and taking exams, until the bursar issue is fixed. Technically, the school has some liability from this, but in reality, they don’t (unless it was a lab course or something with obvious safety issues). Note that it appears that the roommate was not aware of this (no one really would tell them that, students learn it as this happens every semester for them)</p>

<p>Also on point 2: Suspension from classes should be done in the first week, and all attempts should be made to resolve it within the first week. It does sound like the OP’s roommate’s family did resolve it quickly enough for reinstatement.</p>

<p>(and another addition to that - my brother paid his son’s tuition on time, and literally the university lost the check. So he had to stop payment on the check, and issue a new check, but he had to wait a few days because he could not pay for both. In that time, his son’s registrations were suspended, and it was 100% the university’s fault. He told him to continue going to classes, and no professors bothered him (and he is in music where the classes are small, so they must have all known and ignored the university’s cancellations.)</p>

<p>On point 3, it’s clear that the university was doing this. </p>

<p>Our school has an Educational Opportunity Program office, which helps students who have significant amounts of financial aid and no money for books or other expenses sometimes not covered. The OP’s university should have something, even if it is part of the counseling center or chaplain’s office and is unofficial. That is where the OP’s roommate should be going.</p>

<p>Even if this is settled for now, it is highly likely that it will happen next semester as well, because the payment plan would be for this semester only. All of this is causing upheaval, and has no clear signs of ending although perhaps with not leaving any snacks in her room, the OP can minimize that problem.</p>

<p>I do not think URM or not matters, I know plenty of poor first-generation college kids who are white and would have the exact same issues. Being poor and at college makes you a minority.</p>

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<p>My roommate supplied all the ‘good’ stuff when we moved into an apartment. We knew each other, but she wanted to bring all this stuff (stereo with a huge cabinet; sewing machine, all the cooking stuff, etc.) She had a lot of rules about it and as long as I followed the rules, I was allowed to use the stuff. Her mother also would bring us a ‘care package’ about once a month with things like toilet paper, mac and cheese, cookies, etc. I really appreciated this stuff, didn’t demand it or request it, but it sure helped with my budget. I appreciate it and try to pay it forward by helping others who might not have the money for meals with sports teams, junk food, etc. There have been times when I just didn’t have the money to pay double, but when I do, I try to buy extra or throw in a few more bucks.</p>

<p>However, you don’t have to overpay or supply everything. My own daughters probably brought less than their roommates because I just don’t believe every kid living in a suite or dorm needs a fridge, microwave, coffee pot, etc. </p>

<p>OP, you are nice, but it is time to be honest with your roommate. Sharing is not working out. Agree to buy your own food. Sharing the fridge and equipment is fine. I’m reminded of a Seinfeld episode where Jerry and George and Elaine were trying to come up with a nice way of telling a person something (it was like that his fly was down or he smelled bad or something) and Kramer walked in and just said, “Hey, zip up” Direct is best. No confrontation, just that sharing isn’t working for you.</p>

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<p>@‌actingmt</p>

<p>What should be and what is in front of us are two totally different things.
And since it’s not you who are helping the URM student, what does it matter what she can afford or not afford??</p>

<p>People who can help but won’t, then they have something to say about the needy.
And all of you who are disgusted that the URM roommate lied to OP to get food,
let me ask you this: which one of you have never lied?
Now you might have never lied to get free food, but you lied about other things.
Which one of you cheated on your test, job, spouse and lied about your way out of it???</p>

<p>Anyways, as announced by another poster earlier that I am a mother of an URM student, so there it is.
( FYI- I’ve been a mother of an URM student for more than 2 decades, but if you ask the poster, it’s like she just discovered the earth is not flat or something). :slight_smile: </p>

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<p>@LanaHere‌ </p>

<p>No roommate is responsible for another roommate whatever the issues. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not really disgusted or at all surprised by the lying and manipulating if it works. But, I do think these two need to set boundaries. And, that is off to a bad start at this point.</p>

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<p>Lanahere, you seem to be the only one interested in the student’s race. Other people were bothered by the fact that the student chose not to get a job when they were readily available. Some ofi us have had kids who needed jobs and would have thanked God in heaven if one were available. Student jobs aren’t always plentiful, unfortunately, and passing one up bothers some people when the choice is then made to lie and steal. Also, some of us have kids who are first generation college students and also some of us have kids with medical issues. As a mom of a kid with medical issues, I do pass judgment on parents who don’t make sure their kids’ needs are met because that is their job, not some random kid off the street, and I don’t care what race or SES they are.</p>

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<p>@Lanahere, why are you turning this into a race issue? What the roommate is doing would not be acceptable no matter what race she was. Your posts confuse me as you suggest others are maligning the roommate because she is a URM, but you are the only one discussing the issue in that context.</p>

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<p>She didn’t lie to get food. She just ate all the shared snacks provided by the roommate. She lied about her roommate to her mother and her mother admonished Kgal (in a round about way) for eating everything. She set up some major mistrust.</p>

<p>The following is what is missing:</p>

<p>" Sorry, Kgal. I had to tell my mom you ate all the food because I didn’t want her to know I ate it. I’m not supposed to eat all that stuff but I was so hungry I couldn’t help it." I didn’t want my mom to know I didn’t have any food. Thanks for sharing all those snacks."</p>

<p>That needed to be said by the roommate. Or something close to it. That is forgivable and able to be understood. This allows for continued trust between the roommates. Right now that’s up in the air. </p>

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<p>Binge eating, especially for people with medical issues that make that unsafe, is not easy to recognize in oneself.</p>

<p>All of this seems way out of any college freshman’s league, what the OP has to deal with. It is very sad for both the OP and her roommate. Lots of life lessons being learned.</p>

<p>(And I reiterate, I was VERY lucky to have a single freshman year.)</p>

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<p>I was a poor, first-gen college student. I worked the summer before college to save money for expenses. I used the the work-study website to have my job lined up before I even moved in. I was never as disorganized as to face being dropped from courses, potentially kicked out of my dorm or losing my meal card (I don’t even know how you would lose your meal card access). I never stole from my roommates. I never lied to my roommates. I paid my half for the rent of the fridge! Laziness, lying, and stealing are not symptoms of poverty, these are symptoms of character dysfunctions and a lack of morals. God bless you through this.</p>

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<p>When I first read the very first post I immediately thought of something different. I totally didn’t pick up on the not being able to share the costs of the shared appliances as stated in the first paragraph. I completely missed that until it was discussed several pages later.</p>

<p>What I was alert to, from the beginning, was this part of her description (from Post #1):</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>My very very first thought was, “Wow, a diabetic drank 6 Iced Teas!” I didn’t think this was good for a diabetic. True, I didn’t know how many she had each day (it was over a weekend), and I am not all that familiar with Type 1 Diabetes, but I didn’t think that was a good sign. Note - I assumed that they were regular teas, not diet, nor unsweetened tea. But I know that the regular ones are pretty high in sugar.</p>

<p>My kids have a friend who is insulin-dependent with Type 1 Diabetes and is on an insulin pump. Her parents are super great about having low-sugar snacks for her. However, my kids have told me several times that whenever she is out, she purchases a lot of chocolate, other candy, soda, and pastries to eat while she’s out. She’s almost frenetic about purchasing them and quickly eating them. When they’ve asked, she says that she’ll just adjust her pump. She does not eat this stuff when her parents are around.</p>

<p>Maybe a different thing is going on with the OPs roommate and it is aside from any financial questions. Maybe her Mom doesn’t let her have high sugar drinks, snacks and junk food and she is binge eating as @rhandco‌ says in several posts. </p>

<p>I think the roommate lying, to make it seem to her Mom like KGal ate Roomie’s snacks, is really, really over the boundary and is inappropriate, and since it was the first time KGal met Roomie’s Mom, that makes the implied blame and lying seem even worse. I’m not so sure that the Mom might also have initiated the conversation (strange to bring up snacks when you first meet someone) because the roommate might have said something to her Mom prior to her visit. However, is it more to cover that she is eating unhealthy stuff than a financial issue? Not sure that flies, though, as why she would imply KGal ate Roomie’s snacks? It all doesn’t piece together for me. (I do believe KGal’s recounting, I’m just not sure of Roomie’s intentions.)</p>

<p>Also, since I am not a medical person at all, maybe some of you more medically knowledgeable CCers can explain, I thought sleepiness was a bad sign for a Type I diabetic. Doesn’t that indicate high (or it is low) blood sugar?</p>

<p>Again, since I’m not a medical person, I may not be correct in my thoughts about sugars in the diet for a Type I diabetic.</p>

<p>Either way, whatever her intentions, the roommate has not been considerate nor honest with KGal. </p>

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<p>OK, I am thinking of closing this thread. If you want it to continue, don’t bring up the URM status again. You can give the OP advice without turning this into a debate.</p>

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<p>My former step nephew was diagnosed as type 1 at age 9. In his mid to late teens he rebelled big time. Put himself I to the hospital in intensive care a couple of times. It turned out that he had been very angry at the limitations and worries and possible consequences and had never dealt with that anger. They got him therapy and eventually he took ownership of his health, but there were some difficult periods on that road.</p>