How responsible am I for my roommate?

<p>Too many justifications for a girl with poor character. Do not underestimate how manipulative mooching teens can be. She’s eating when the roommate is gone because it’s pretty awkward eating all of someone else’s food in front of them, obviously. I question how many of you would pay forty to sixty thousand dollars per year for your child to live with someone like this.</p>

<p>I’d keep acting the way you have been, i.e. asking when roomie is coming back if she goes home, double-checking if she doesn’t show up, making small talk. Just lower your expectations about her reciprocating. You aren’t going to be close friends, but you can still be nice to her. She may continue to react awkwardly. Think of it as if you are modeling good behavior for her. </p>

<p>I think kgal you have a big heart and have grown up believing we are supposed to help those in need. From what you have written, your roommate has issues that go beyond the obvious ones, it sounds like she has emotional issues of all sorts, and is kind of looking at you as someone to keep her together…but you can’t, you have classes, working, and your own life. Whatever her background is, it doesn’t sound like she is doing much to try and make it better, when you suggested loans and she said “I could never get them”, did she even try? The other thing that I wonder about is if she is from a disadvantaged background, usually IME financial aid packages include work study, and the kids I knew from modest backgrounds tended to work to have money, and it sounds like she is passive, letting things happen. I am not judging her, but what it sounds like is she is the kind of person who latches on to those around her, expecting them to help. The other thing is obviously she is not on full scholarship or full financial aid, if her parents are expected to pay, so I wonder if something else is going on here. If students run into situations were the parents find they cannot pay, IME they usually will work up either more aid or some sort of way to keep the kid in school…so something doesn’t ring true there. </p>

<p>I agree with others, if the RA is no help, then I would talk to the school counseling office, they will probably have suggestions for you plus they also may be able to find help for your roommate. To be honest, it sounds like she needs some counseling and someone to offer her suggestions, like getting a job and getting her on her own two feet. You can’t be responsible for her, it is very much the analogy of the drowning person, someone with issues can end up throwing the person trying to help into a tailspin. Even if you feel she is a friend (which quite frankly, this sounds like a one way relationship, which to quote my therapist, is playing tennis by yourself…) there have to be boundaries. My suggestion is what you are already doing, it is okay to be sympathetic, to suggest possible ways she can help herself, but keep your life as separate from hers as possible, because emotionally she could take you down, and by all means don’t keep snacks available in the room, either keep them hidden or non existent, and as much as possible try not to get drawn into her dramas. You are good hearted, and people who have issues sense that and can latch on to someone like yourself like the proverbial drowning man, so you need to protect yourself. You are working hard, you have a job, you aren’t exactly living the high life, and it is neither fair nor good for her if she takes what little you have and isn’t trying to help herself. One thing, have you suggest that she when she has problems talk to a counselor? </p>

<p>My older daughter had a very strange roommate at a summer program. The RM would sit in the room with no lights on. She didn’t want anyone in the room. Everything she had was black, whereas everything my kid had was pastel. My daughter would have to tip toe whenever she came in the room and if she had anyone in the room they would have to leave as soon as the RM came in. My kid had her own social life, and it didn’t include her RM. Whenever D1 was in the room she was respectful of her RM - let the RM know when she was going turn on the light, and let her know if she needed to get up early in the morning. D1 didn’t feel it was her responsibility to keep track of her RM or be her BFF. D1 told me that after few weeks, before they fell asleep, her RM would share with D1 about her family life, her crushes, her passion for art…They ended up being friends when they were in the room.</p>

<p>I’ve read all the posts in this thread and what I took from them is that OP’s roommate is poor, not a nefarious plot to draw posters into a thread to bash other people. This young woman’s roommmate seems unpleasant. I’ve been poor; being poor is no excuse for not engaging in conversations with OP, allowing her mom to think OP took all her snacks, or believing she should be able to go to college for free. She sounds selfish, immature, and manipulative. </p>

<p>My advice to OP is to quit looking for solutions to her roommate’s problems. One of the ways manipulators draw you in is to make you invested in finding ways to make THEIR lives better. That’s not your job. It doesn’t mean you’re neglecting the poor or downtrodden if you don’t solve her problems for her. Sometimes, at your age especially, it’s better to donate your time and/or money to groups who help the needy instead of trying to help the needy directly. It’s difficult enough for those of us who are older and more experienced not to get taken advantage of by people who make a habit of manipulating others. It can be impossible for young people. Do not get drawn into conversations about her problems. If she brings them up, tell her it’s too bad and she should go have a chat with your RA. And request a new roommate for next semester if you haven’t already. You need to concentrate on your education so you can improve your life, not spend your time focusing on improving the life of someone who can’t give you the time of day. Good luck. Let us know how you make out.</p>

<p>kgal, when I went to college I was looking forward to having a roommate. I hadn’t had one since I went to boarding school in England, where we slept in dorm rooms with 10 other people. I thought it would be fun. My roommate made it clear from move-in day on that I was some person living in <em>her</em> room. It was disappointing. I know how you feel on that score. But luckily for me, my roommate moved out after Christmas break and thereafter I had a single. :)</p>

<p>One of the best pieces of advice about roommates I’ve seen was to consider your roommate like a business partner or coworker. It is in your mutual interest to get your work done and not get in each other’s way, and to have a civil relationship. You don’t have to be best friends. I think that you need to adjust your expectations and work on making friends elsewhere.</p>

<p>Thank you, aptly named Consolation, and everyone else. Thankfully I feel pretty connected here, I have made friends in my classes. I did come into the room tonight to find my roommate asleep (at 8:00 PM). She had earlier posted on Facebook “Wow, it is hard to believe I am at college and still the only “URM” in my classes.” I think she is really depressed.</p>

<p>Kgal–
answer 1–Your roommate may not be as friendly as you would like for any number of reasons. Depression, embarrassment (after setting new boundaries), social awkwardness on her part, pretty much a whole slew of things… It’s not your problem except that you need to let her behavior go–you are NOT the cause. Say hello, be nice and let it go. That is a very hard thing to do–it feels like “what did I do?” and feels like a slap in the face but honestly it has NOTHING to do with you nor can you change the behavior. Ignore it and shrug it off to the best of your ability. Refuse to be manipulated when she does decide to be “nice”. Make some outside friends.</p>

<p>Answer 2–Lots of reasons for not getting loans-- the main one being bad credit. And from what you have told us it doesn’t sound like taking out a loan would be the answer to anything–she doesn’t go to class as it is nor pursue getting a job.
This is not your problem. You cannot solve this. . Repeat: This is NOT your problem. Go to sleep and quit worrying about it.</p>

<p>My freshman roommate’s family was quite well off. She pledged one of the “top” UT sororities. Once she figured out she wouldn’t be able to make me over (she tried!), she lost interest in me. She was hardly EVER in the room. When she made an infrequent appearance, she would emphasize that I was to touch NONE of her things (like I would!). So you just can’t expect a roommate to be automatic BFF. I found other friends, one of whom was my roommate the next three years.</p>

<p>I agree with @austinmsha - stop trying to look for solutions to your roommates problems. I do think you might be perpetuating the situation by paying so much attention to her life and problems. You have said you will no longer supply snacks so the food issue is settled. The rest of the issues are hers, and hers alone to deal with. Go out and enjoy your freshman year of college and keep things distantly friendly in the room. She has made no effort to forge a relationship, so do not look for one. Believe people when they show you who they are.</p>

<p>@kgal1996 " I hate going into the dorm and hearing all these girls laughing and talking with their roommates while mine basically ignores me. "</p>

<p>For whatever reason, your attempts to befriend her have not worked and you’re starting to feel a little resentful – probably not an emotion you want to go towards. Like others have said, not every RM will be a close friend – or even friendly. Spread out – make friends. Do people in your dorm bldg leave their doors open? If so, invite yourself in to those that’ll have you.</p>

<p>It sounds like your roommate is also feeling a big cultural disconnect at the school and in classes. </p>

<p>kgal, I think you have handled yourself and this situation admirably and I was sad to see people on this thread questioning your motives. I like the analogy of a business associate. Be polite, but try not to get too emotionally involved in this. It’s hard to say what exactly all your roommate’s problems are and what the reasons for them are–much of this is just speculation. If you’ve alerted the University officials to her problems, and let her know there are opportunities for counseling and for help getting a job, I think that’s the best you can do, considering she hasn’t shown any inclination to be your friend or to confide in you about her issues or to address them herself. </p>

<p>Try to befriend some of the other roommate groups in your dorm. Stop by and say hi when you hear them laughing. You may have to try a little harder since you aren’t in the room with them, but I bet you’ll find some friends nearby and may be able to hang out a lot in their room. There must be some other nice and sympathetic people around who will see that your roommate isn’t friendly and will try to include you in their social activities.</p>

<p>This might be tough, but you can’t take the lack of closeness personally, my own d never wanted a roommate to be a close friend. She wanted someone compatible to live with. Period. Why? Friends, all friends, will fight from time to time. I guess I the kid just wanted a room without that hassle. Unfortunately, her roommate did want a bff. Two kids, two different expectations. Don’t worry about the lack of bonding. You can live quite well with somebody who’s not your buddy. In some respects it’s easier to negotiate house rules when there isn’t a friendship. </p>

<p>Sorry OP that this has been difficult for you. It can be fun if your roommate is your friend, but with randomly assigned people, it really is hit or miss. This is not your fault. Find other friends in your dorm, in class, activities, work, etc. Even if you don’t find friends in your dorm, there are other people in other dorms. Giving all and getting back nothing doesn’t work. </p>

<p>Good luck OP. You have handled this sad situation the best you could. Roommates unfriendliness is not your fault, please do not take it seriously. It is an unfortunate but this will work itself out, I imagine that she will not be there long. </p>

<p>You’re a good kid. You’ve gotten good advice. Do try to branch out. Try not to take her lack of enthusiasm for you personally…because likely it’s not. It’s her being untethered. </p>

<p>Your RM may already have loans in her package and more unavailable. They aren’t limitless. </p>

<h1>1: Remember, your roommate’s mom implied that you were taking snacks from your roommate, and your roommate did not defend you. It is possible that when your roommate went home, her parents tried to do the “we miss you!” thing and make all her favorite stuff and basically make her feel like not going back (you mentioned the “only URM in my classes” post). Not coming back until Monday morning points to that.</h1>

<p>(I didn’t want to go back for weekends when I went to college because I wouldn’t have wanted to go back, my mom was a great cook!)</p>

<h1>2 Yes, you can not have money to pay tuition and still not be able to get a loan. My sister-in-law owned a beauty parlor for a while. She had to have capital to keep it running, but on paper she could not get a loan because she owned the store. But she couldn’t mortgage the store either. If there is a small business in the family, or money tied up somewhere else (like saved for a sibling with medical needs), she might not get a loan. Or, maybe her loans are maxed out. It’s a serious issue that many colleges do not promise to meet 100% of need, and if you go to a school that only promises 80% need, you are paying that other 20% somehow or you will get kicked out.</h1>

<h1>2 is not your issue at all; you are taking care of the snack thing and otherwise it would be unfortunate if she is not retained because of a small portion of the tuition is owed. You have talked to her about getting a job, if I recall correctly. Her adviser should be talking to her about it, they are supposed to advise about FA issues too.</h1>

<h1>1, I would agree with others that she sounds depressed in general, and isn’t really that friendly to you because of either circumstances or she feels sheepish about taking snacks and how her mom was. Although about half of my floor got along well with their roommates, some just tolerated each other. I would say it is unusual for so many roommates on your floor to get along well.</h1>

<p>OP, you have reached out and it did not work, is not working. You cannot control what others say and do. At this point, keep out of your roommate’s business, and I would also would not bring snacks, or bring very few into the room, so that there are fewer problems. Just be polite but keep your distance and avoid trouble when you can. It’s really not your business. </p>

<p>OP. it seems to me that you and your roommate have different expectations. Go out and meet others in your dorm and form friendships with them. This may work better for you than forming a frienddhip with your roommate (who seems to prefer being alone). </p>

<p>And have a great freshman year!</p>