How responsible am I for my roommate?

<p>Get your parents to call the school.</p>

<p>Wow . . . your roommate is suicidal and he is “willing” to talk on the phone tomorrow. I am flabbergasted! I’m so sorry that you are in the middle of this. You’re a good person to put so much caring effort into trying to see that she gets the help that she needs. </p>

<p>There is no real use to talk to this person on the phone by yourself. It will just affect your own forward progress as the Dean will mollify you and you can either be mollified (a waste of time) or you can advocate from a position of weakness (a Freshman student) and get frustrated. Neither is likely to have a good outcome. Either a 3-way, or what @oldfort (did I get that right? Two 'o’s, right?) says, pass it on to your parents. You need to focus on your own goals, not hold the hands of the administration and connect the dots for them. You have no time to play charades.</p>

<p>Would it be appropriate to say “Dean, can I actually have my parents call you instead?” </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>There’s no need to ask the dean for permission, especially considering how the admins have been handling it so far. </p>

<p>That’s not his/her call to make, it’s yours and your parents. </p>

<p>A part of me wonders why the university/local authorities aren’t having her online postings and the roommate evaluated with the possibility of having her take a mandated medical leave and/or held in a psychiatric facility for 72 hours for an evaluation. </p>

<p>Then again, considering how mental health services has been supported in our society, there are unfortunate cases of folks with clear suicidal tendencies who weren’t placed in a 72 hour hold in areas where it’s the law because of a lack of beds/personnel with adequate training to make such a determination which didn’t end well. </p>

<p>^^ I thin kit would be appropriate to ask for your parents to call if:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your parents are totally up to speed on all the details of the problems (specifically the hospital trips, the coma, the food, etc etc) so they can give the Dean concrete facts</p></li>
<li><p>Your parents are they type to go to bat for you and not cave and just be polite to the Dean (I’m thinking of some of my relatives who would totally start “Yes sir” and “no sir” if the conversation didn’t go your way.)</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Sometimes they listen more to the people paying the tuition than the kid whose education they are providing.</p>

<p>Yes, I think so. You may wish to give him an agenda:</p>

<br>

<br>

<p>I am sure you can word these points in a more politically correct way.</p>

<p>Be sure to ask for what you want:</p>

<p>Guarantee of placement in honors dorm (in a single - if you want it. I would prefer a double, myself) for next semester,
Guarantee of placement as RA next year,
Anything else you want- Additional training? Updates on status? Training for RA’s RD’s? Direct line phone number so these issues can be escalated more rapidly in future?</p>

<p>This is your opportunity to ask for whatever you think can help with a resolution of your conscience.</p>

<p>I agree that it’s appropriate to get your parents involved at this point. The dean will undoubtedly try to mollify your parents and there may be things going on behind the scenes the dean isn’t at liberty to disclose, but I would urge your parents not to get off the phone until there’s an acceptable plan in place. It takes a fair amount to turn on my inner mama bear so under circumstances like these I find it useful to write down a few phrases and keep them by the phone when I make the call. If I were your mom they would include:</p>

<p>“This situation is certainly not healthy for either girl. What is the plan going forward?” and
“How are you going to find a place for kgal in the honors dorm?”</p>

<p>and if the dean says he needs to call someone else or check on available rooms,</p>

<p>“When should we call back to hear the plan?”</p>

<p>Repeat as many times as necessary until the dean gets the point that mom and dad aren’t getting off the phone until they receive a promise of real action.</p>

<p>I talked to my mom and it seems like the current plan is I will try and talk to him first, and if that does not go well, my mom will step in. She is a really good negotiator and I have told her a lot about the situation. I think I am going to go with -</p>

<ul>
<li>I know I am not privy to measures they are taking to help her, but I have seen no improvement so that is why I am concerned- to me it seems like she is getting worse</li>
<li>because I don’t see her improving I feel like I need to support her, which causes me a lot of stress</li>
<li>this stress makes me want a different housing situation, preferably still in the Honors dorm </li>
<li>if conversation does not end with a promise of action, I will say my parents are really concerned and will be calling him</li>
</ul>

<p>I have to play Devil’s Advocate for a moment. This situation has multiple layers of conflict and complication. There is the roommate’s alleged financial crisis; her obvious medical risks; her probable academic failure; and her emotional and social travails. These issues involve different branches of the college’s administration, most of whom are bound (quite rightfully, in most regards) by privacy and confidentiality laws. They might not even be able to reveal some of the roommate’s problems to her parents, although they might make that a stipulation for her continued enrollment. They might be wrestling with their own ethical, legal, and custodial issues right now, and hoping that the situation just goes away if and when the roommate withdraws from college. I think it is crucial that the OP frame her argument with the Dean so that it does not simply appear to be a garden-variety roommate issue pertaining to purloined food and incompatible hours. She should explain that she is frightened and feels that the situation is unmanageable by her or, possibly, anyone. A medical intervention is probably necessary, and the OP is not a medical professional. She is not a social worker or a clinical psychologist. She is not even a RA. She is a college freshman, and never signed on for responsibilities that she is unqualified to assume. I don’t think that the OP can demand a “guarantee” of placement as RA next year; there are too many variables involved. She can demand a guarantee that the university relieve her of any ongoing responsibilities in this very unfortunate scenario.</p>

<p>@woogzmama, the fact that the OP has been drawn in further since the ambulance trip of, was it September 19?, and is still acting as social worker, clinician, health monitor, etc. is a problem. This has been ongoing for too long, and the university should acknowledge that it should do something to ameliorate the impact it has had to the OP.</p>

<p>I doubt they will give a partial room and board refund (and doubt that the OP would even ask for that), but they can give preferential treatment going forward. For example, an RA position defrays room costs and thus is relatively sought after. As a Sophomore next year, OP may not have much of a chance under ordinary circumstances, due to upperclassmen being ahead in priority. She should definitely ask that she get that privilege as an offset to what she had to endure this semester. If she does not ask now, the opportunity will have passed.</p>

<p>The University could say they are trying to figure out a strategy for a week, two weeks even. But to spend time securely affixing their own blinders over their eyes and expect for a freshman to do all the heavy lifting for this extended time is just wrong. They could have relocated her, if privacy issues were a concern (two movers X 2 hours- it’s done!). They appear to be sweeping this under the rug and trying to hold their breath long enough for it to time itself out. However, they are allowing the OP to be collateral damage and providing HER no support (that she does know for certainty, regardless of privacy concerns) as the clock winds down.</p>

<p>I know some readers are likely college administrators, and will not comment on this thread. Others may not judge as harshly as I do, but I really see this as cowardly on the part of OP’s school. Not working in that environment, perhaps I do not fully appreciate it. As a consumer/student/tuition-payer, the OP is in a position to ask for some reasonable consideration for the undue hardship she has had to endure.</p>

<p>One cannot relocate nor mandate the medical leave of a mentally ill student without due process. The standard for such action is a specific, significant risk. I don’t know if social media comments would qualify unless they laid out a specific plan. </p>

<p>this or any school should not share their plans/contacts/interventions with the OP. She is another student and is not privy to this information. </p>

<p>OP should move as the roommate cannot be forced to. Yes,she should be guaranteed a spot in the honors dorm, but to stay put and be forced to act as monitor or social worker is ridiculous. Fill out the paperwork. Demand an appropriate new placement in that conversation with the dean, and get the heck out.</p>

<p>To be clear, I meant that they could have moved the OP. I meant that they could have given the OP some support (at least periodic check-ins on the room). This is all about the OP. I did not mean to imply that the roommate could be moved.</p>

<p>Does anyone know what university this is?</p>

<p>OP, as far as your duty towards your roommate goes, I think you’ve done all that you can. You’ve definitely drawn attention to the issue at a high level, and from now on, nobody at the college can say they weren’t warned. I hope that there will be a good outcome, medically as well as educationally (is that a word?) for your roommate, but at this point, you as a college freshman have to step back from the situation. There’s only so much you can do and you have to protect yourself.</p>

<p>As far as your own situation goes, that’s where I’d have your parents step in – IF necessary. You should not have to give up your placement in the honors dorm and you should not feel like the college is putting the responsibility on you to handle your roommate’s issues. If this becomes an issue, then your parents should come and put the fear of God into the administration. But wait on that unless and until it becomes an issue.</p>

<p>Good luck and don’t forget to take care of yourself!</p>

<p>@HarvestMoon1‌ I would appreciate if that information is not discussed. I am stressed enough without worrying about that. </p>

<p>Good luck to you. </p>

<p>In the talk with the Dean, I would stress that your roommate is not monitoring her blood sugar and has been hospitalized for that omission. I would emphasize that YOU were the one who found her and sounded the alarm. Now you have occasion to go out of town, and who is going to watch? Then I would pass on the suicidal screen shots. </p>

<p>Note to him that you aren’t friends. You care about her, but she pushes you away and you do NOT have a close and good relationship. If not for the diabetes, you would have left long ago. </p>

<p>You are a good person going above and beyond what is necessary.</p>

<p>I would talk about what has happened to the room mate, but saying this is all from your point of view, and that you know that there is probably more that you don’t know about, and due to privacy rules you know you are not going to, but what you need is to be moved to somewhere else in the honors dorm because you are feeling medically and somewhat financially responsible for her and the stress is affecting your studies. </p>

<p>I gave the Dean the times today when I did not have class so I could do the phone call. Somehow, out of the hours I gave him, there was no time he had available. (???). So, my mom is calling him today. I trust her to say what needs to be said. She won’t let herself or me be trampled on. I am really relieved she is calling him. Last night was probably the most stressed out I have been all semester. It is nice to feel that someone is going to bat for me when all I have done is go to bat for my roommate. </p>

<p>My roommate did not wake up to do her registration today. I was debating whether or not to wake her up but I want to start disengaging myself from this role. I feel as if her situation has maybe already been decided and that’s why no one will communicate with me. </p>

<p>That’s what Mama Bears are for–glad you have a good one. Hope it works out soon for you.</p>