How responsible am I for my roommate?

Parents Forum
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<p>1) Using a lockbox for food is a good idea, but try not to be overly obvious about it. The problem is one I had with my brother - he was like “we’re a family” so he would just take my stuff without asking. Maybe she thinks “it’s the room’s food” or “this girl is rich, she won’t mind”.
2) The fact is, SHE chose the college, and SHE and HER PARENTS knew what the FA package was. If SHE knew her family couldn’t afford it, what the heck did she expect? I have students who do this every - single - semester. They get cut from their classes, can’t access online materials, and fall behind. Then they usually get reupped, but are at a huge disadvantage.
3) I do agree that if at least she isn’t a druggie, isn’t a drunk, and isn’t entertaining half the campus at night, let alone respecting your sleep schedule, just maybe putting up with her taking your food is a small price to pay.</p>

<p>And Palomina - yes, as far as I know, they do NOT throw you out of the dorms when you first get on the “Bursar’s bad list”. They do technically ban you from classes, but most professors, including me, will “forget” if they see someone who is off their class list for a week or two. Eventually, they would evict the student if it became clear (and it sounds like it could in this case) the student’s family would not pay.</p>

<p>That might be the outcome - it is possible if this girl is all entitled and so on, her family won’t / can’t pay, and she will be thrown out of the dorm. The way they do it where I teach is that they set a time to get back in order, and if they don’t hear from the student at all in that two weeks or so, they will evict from the dorms. If they do hear from the student and have a good understanding of the situation and when the university will be paid, they normally will extend the two week grace period.</p>

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<li>and everybody is all like “she took your FOOD?” - but if she really is clearly poor, ask yourself what it would hurt to share your food with her. If it is costing you 10 bucks per week to buy snacks, and she takes half, that’s fine if you can afford it. If she is taking all your snacks, you tell her that you bought them for yourself, she is welcome to share, but please split them. Maybe you can have two containers where you split the snacks into her pile and your pile.</li>
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<p>I hope something gets better for you. And also, if you <em>do</em> get along with her, did you meet with the RA and her as well, so all three of you can talk things over?</p>

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<p>Well here the you don’t have to be in the honors program to live in the honors dorm- it just is for kids who are more focused on studies and wanting a quiet area without distractions. </p>

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<p>If this is a URM admit, I missed it in the posts from the OP. It doesn’t matter in the least, if the roommate is URM, first generation, comes from a low income family, has medical issues, has money issues. There are certain boundaries one draw and in this case the OP did not draw them strictly. Don’t blame her She’s young, she wanted to help, and I don’t think it occurred to here that sometimes when one offers an inch, others will take a mile. She did offer to share the food, and no restrictions or guidelines were given. She offered to pick up food, did not ask for payment and had paid for it all before. Yes, some people get very used to getting things and they become an entitlement quickly and that can go for upper income, no needs, WASP, from a family used to top college kids too. One of the biggest problems we had on dorm was one such student who felt entitled to borrow, take, yes, we called it stealing any and everything. i’ll never forget how outraged my roommate was when someone mentioned how sharp “Lisa’” looked going to some event in an outfit of the exact same description as one my roommate had in her closet with the tags still on it that she was saving. Ran to the room and closet, and the oufit was gone. I got "mine’ too when she borrowed a dress of mine–and yes she did ask and i did okay the loan, and never got it back. I happened to see it a year later with the embroidery on it painstakingly picked out. She always was short on cash, and never put any money or helped out on any joint effort, yet took more than her share consistently. We had some petty thievery on our hall and though we never found out who the culprit was, the suspicions were there. We all had to take more stringent security measures, especially around her, and that mitigated the problem. And yes, her roommate ended up losing much of her care packages that were sent to her, so that she stored them in our room when they came. My roommate and I did partake, but apparently not to the degree that “Lisa” did. </p>

<p>If one looks at some threads on the board, there are some regarding getting economic diversity at schools, so yes, it is a distinct possibility that one’s student can end up with a student that has high need and from a family where going away to a college is a whole new thing. That does not necessarily mean there will be problems from such situations. Some such students take extra care.</p>

<p>My son and his housemates were and are great friends with a young man who came to study here from an impoverished country and who was on such a tight budget all the time at college They all got a long well, and understood that he had strict limits on what he could spend, and I think it really was a good thing for my son and some of his upscale friends. They handled it by not flashing a lot of money and stuff, and by helping out in discrete ways. Now out of school for a few years, they are all very good friends, and hopefully will be for life. There is no animosity over the fact that this young man needed more than the others to keep up. But then again, he did not overstep boundaries that they all set, and the groups made sure that things were kept in hand so that there was not that divide. It wasn’t till after graduation that I found out that a couple of those young men came from very well to do, yes, rich families. They tempered their lifestyles while at school so taht they did not "flash’ their wealth. </p>

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<p>Givers have to set boundaries because takers rarely do.</p>

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<p>That’s very “us vs. them” of you, HarverstMoon1. There is another thread about a freshman who came home and her mom thinks it is because of her maturity level. Is it that difficult to believe the OP’s roommate has a whole host of issues, and is managing to stick it out instead of leaving? I know I eat when I am stressed. Maybe at 17 or 18, I’d take something lying around if I saw it, if I was hungry.</p>

<p>At some point in our lives, all of us have to be takers. Maybe the roommate was raised that people with food shared it with others who didn’t have it. My dad had to steal food from dumpsters when he was growing up. But if they had food, they would share it with neighbors. His dad came from the old country with some money, and bought a store. But the Depression started soon after, and his choice was to give people food on account, or not give them food unless they could pay up front. Guess what? His store failed because then he couldn’t pay his bills.</p>

<p>It is a sad situation for the OP, and she is very mature to point out the positives of the situation as well. Maybe she could get some bartering out of the shared food - the roommate cleans up more but can take all the food she wants. Maybe she never had food lying around (I remember stories about kids who never had chips or cereal at home because their parents were so strict, and they would take them from us because they couldn’t bring themselves to buy “junk” on their own).</p>

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<p>The hiding of ramen & stuff by the roommate almost sounds like a hoarding/eating disorder thing.</p>

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<p>Ramen noodle is a cheap food. Maybe she’s hiding it because she’s ashamed? </p>

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<p>Food hoarding is a trait often exhibited by children/teens who have survived periods of extreme neglect.</p>

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<p>Good point @scholarme</p>

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<p>I agree with the advice for the OP to go to a counselor / higher authoirity than the RA, btw.
To me it sounds like the roommate needs adult help/intervention.</p>

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<p>If she is diabetic, ramen is one of the worst foods to eat. It is high fat, high simple carb, with little or no protein or fiber. At least that was the case the last time I checked labels.</p>

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<p>The roommate is an adult or close to it. She is responsible for her food, her diabetes, her financial situation at the university, and her behavior towards her roommate. The OP cannot control those things. It’s not her business to do so, but to control her own behavior and reactions. Clearly, the open pantry/fridge did not work out. There are certain ways people act that are not controlllable so that when you live with such people, or have to deal with them, you have to temper your own behavior,actions, decisions to work with them or you may get taken advantage, have things happen that you don’t want that may have been less likely to happen if you had behaved otherwise </p>

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<p>The Op’s only responsibility in living with a diabetic is to learn the signs/symptoms of

  1. Very low blood sugar - and what to do about it (give some juice or hard candy)
  2. Very high blood sugar/ketone acidosis - and when to call 911
    Other than that, Op does not need to know about DM, diet, lecturing pt, or anything else. Op could also just ask if there are any potential needles anywhere, to lessen her fears of accidently getting stuck by one.</p>
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<p>kgal, you are a nice person, and it is good of you to be concerned about your roommate and generous with her. I really think that you need to pursue the matter with those in authority, because if she is a T1 diabetic or a T2 on certain medications the way she is currently living and eating could easily be life-threatening. In fact, I’ll go further: if either is the case it IS life-threatening. Leaving her health aside, it sounds as if she is in strong danger of flunking out. The food-hoarding, the sleeping, the apparent fear of going out, the parents not paying essential bills…there’s a lot going on with her, much of which you likely don’t know. </p>

<p>Now that you realize what the situation is with her, and understand her pattern of behavior, I think you need to continue to be civil, but begin to distance yourself from her a bit. Since she isn’t friendly, that shouldn’t be difficult. Stop bringing substantial amounts of food into the room. Let her know that you’ve decided that sharing isn’t going to work out from now on. If she has a meal plan, she isn’t going to starve, and she <em>really</em> should be eating real food, not chips. (I’m a T2 who maintains good control with diet, and potatoes are more glycemic than table sugar.) She needs intervention that you cannot provide. I’m not saying you shouldn’t lend a helping hand, I’m saying that you alone are not going to be able to save her.</p>

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<p>I spoke to my advisor today and told him about all my concerns- roommate not having food, diabetes, how I felt partly like I was responsible for her, overall frustration with not knowing what’s going on. He said that he and the administration would be following up with her and her family about the financial part and that what I told him would help him better support her if this happened again. He really did not have much of an answer when I asked him how a diabetic poor student was supposed to survive on campus for a week with no meal card. He did say he would follow up with her when she has her own meeting (each student has to meet with him the next few weeks). He echoed many of your sentiments of that I shouldn’t feel responsible and it is ultimately up to her to take care of herself. He seemed concerned but time will tell how the situation pans out. Thanks for all the advice I have gotten so far everyone. </p>

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<p>My daughter went through a similar situation with her first college roommate in an on-campus,. 2BR apartment. There were 4 girls and my daughter’s roommate was a nightmare to the point where DD1 had to run it up the administrative chain to get her out of the room. That was an education in and of itself. </p>

<p>At first, the U offered for my DD1 to move out. (Uh, no thank you.) Then, nightmare roommate invited male friends (not students at the U) for a drinking party and while drunk threatened DD1. That was it. DD1 and suitemates called the on-campus police and nightmare roommate was ousted, not from the U but from the room. The nightmare roommate then found her way out of the U before the year was over. </p>

<p>This is the other side of a college education: dealing with the unexpected grow-up moments and learning to stand up for yourself and your property. BTW, the other suitemates were wonderful and they had a great rest of the year. And yes, this was honors housing.</p>

<p>If the RD doesn’t offer a decent solution then my advice is to run it up the chain of command until resolved. No matter what this kid had/has to deal with IT’S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You are living with a thief who’s taking advantage of your kindness and strong code of ethics. Get her out and until she gone, lock up your stuff.</p>

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<p>You are not responsible for your roommates financial situation. You have already been very gracious. Make sure your roommate knows that you have very limited funds. Talk to your RA and let her help you figure out how to be cordial without getting too involved. </p>

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<p>Kgal, your advisor may have heard you but he didn’t provide anything other than a ‘gee, I hate it when that happens’ response. Check in with the dean of student living/housing/whatever. Email a request for meeting and describe the issue. That will get attention. </p>

<p>It’s likely the advisor just doesn’t get it and thinks the issue will disappear with time.</p>

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<p>I disagree, @knoxpatch. The OP has put the girl on the college’s radar. There is no need for her to have to continue running around to different officials. </p>

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<p>It’s a really good thing to have a charitable heart. That is something you want to foster. However, it’s also important to offer charity in the most productive and healthy way each stage of your life. Donating your time at a food bank is far more appropriate of a gift than paying for this girls food. Not only do you not have the resources for this but it does delay the inevitable from happening (either she moves back home… and 40 minutes is do-able in a pinch or she leaves school.) This girl’s problems are just too big for you. </p>

<p>I understand your position though. I was there many times in my younger years. Each time I had to put my foot down and eventually say “no more.” Yes, it made me the bad guy to those I’d helped but it also forced them to get the help they needed from sources that were actually capable of long-term aid.</p>

<p>At this point, I wouldn’t store food in your room. If you want a snack, purchase it that day for that evening. You can be friendly. You can participate in free, campus events with her as a friend. Otherwise, you’ve done what you can. It’s up to the school and family to figure this out. </p>