How responsible am I for my roommate?

Parents Forum
61

<p>

</p>

<p>What else would you expect an administrator to do? The college is apparently going to follow up with the roommate, but in the meantime there’s really not much else to do other than for OP to make it clear she can’t afford to subsidize her roommate’s college education and to secure her own food so roommate doesn’t eat it anymore. The dean of student living/housing is only going to also promise to check up on the student. She might send an RA to check-in with the student and see what’s going on.</p>

62

<p>Good job, Kgal. Glad you feel like you handed off some of the heavy weight you were carrying. Your advisor probably can’t say too much due to your roommates own right to privacy. </p>

<p>Your room mate might be being a bit mean because you are fitting in at school and look like you have it all together while she is floundering at the moment. She might not want to hear about your day because it may make her more unhappy. She may have thought you would be around more.</p>

<p>I would continue to be nice and again suggest you offer to help her sign up for a job everytime she brings up money. She may never have had a job before and may need some encouragement.</p>

<p>Good luck, kiddo.</p>

63

<p>At my daughter’s school, the roommate requesting the change has to move. If both roommates seem to be at fault, both move. They don’t want someone to have the power to evict someone else. They don’t have triples or quads for freshmen, so I don’t know what they would do it that case. </p>

<p>The advisers have to follow all the privacy rules. He can’t even confirm that roommate has diabetes, or that she hasn’t paid her tuition and fees, or that she has, or that it may or may not happen again. All he can do it what he said he do, which is to look into it. He could have offered to let OP move to another room, but she doesn’t want that either.</p>

64

<p>I don’t think this issue is one where the OP would want to change roommates. Chances are she would get a worse one. My daughter had to switch after her first semester and we were most positive that she couldn’t end up with a worse one. Gals on the floor were asking if she was alright all the time because they knew how nasty her roommate was. We were right, next roommate was a bit strange but waaaay better than the previous onr(good heart vs bad heart). Main thing is to hide your food and not share it anymore. Also, if the roommate wants to be rude you are under no obligation to ask her how her day went either. This girl sounds like someone directly out of our entitlement society and you are not going to fix her rude, self-centered ,hostile attitude. She’s come by it quite honestly from her parents I’m sure.</p>

65

<p>“Chances are she would get a worse one.”</p>

<p>Or maybe not!</p>

<p>Don’t know until you try. </p>

66

<p>Bopper, I hope you’re right. My angst over my daughter’s experience was showing. My daughter had to go from the RA to the RD to the campus police and then the Dean of Students. It was a lesson in dealing with bureaucracy. Some colleges have a “no fault” day where students can switch roommates. Maybe OP’s college has this. In my D’s case, the situation wasn’t safe.</p>

67

<p>I think if the roommate is doing something damaging to you , then yes, you keep going up the chain. But really the roommate is not directly doing anything against the OP…the OP is feeling guilty that she isn’t doing more, but they had initially agreed to share food.</p>

68

<p>@rhandco - I don’t think my comment was an “us” versus “them” one at all, but rather my honest assessment of what is going on here based on some of OP’s posts which are referenced below. OP is going to school, working part-time and had the generosity of spirit to take her roommate out to a nice dinner. Further OP supplied most of the appliances in the room. And the roommate basically grunts at OP when OP returns to the room and asks how her day went? Sorry, life is not a one way street for anyone. OP needs to set some boundaries to preserve her own self-respect.</p>

<p>" She said that a fridge, microwave, rug, curtains, lamps, Keurig, printer, etc. were essential, and I agreed. However, when I asked how she wanted to split the cost, she told me her family couldn’t afford anything for the room and all she could bring was some dishware. I said this was fine (I wanted to have these things in the dorm for me, too!) so my family and I just bought everything and hauled it to the school (I am out of state, she lives about 40 minutes away)."</p>

<p>“She takes 12 credit hours and won’t get a job even though the university makes it incredible easy for students to work; she sleeps over 12 hours sometimes because she never has class”.</p>

<p>I took her out for a nice dinner and movie (which I payed for with my own money) because I was trying to comfort her. The university later re-instated her in everything so she can now go to class, eat on campus, etc.</p>

<p>“What really finally aggravated me was yesterday I asked her if she wanted to go to the store with me this weekend to get some food. She said no, she was going home, but she would make me a list of things I could get for her (no mention of payment).”</p>

<p>As far as the job thing goes, I think she knows about it. She even came with me when I signed up for it because she said she wanted to get out of the room. So she saw how quick it was, there are signs everywhere saying how much the dining hall jobs pay, people even walk around campus with clipboards having people sign up for jobs!</p>

<p>“My roommate has told me that she thinks it’s unfair the university is expecting them to pay for college when her family obviously cannot afford it. She says she told the financial aid office there is no way her family has this type of money, and she thought it was very unfair when they threatened to kick her out. I guess I am now seeing the big picture of her being entitled. She is also not friendly to me- like I will come in after being gone all day, I will ask her how her day went, and she will say maybe one word and then not ask me anything about my day!”</p>

69

<p>I certainly agree that OP needs to set boundaries. It is a good life lesson. She seems like a great kid.</p>

<p>I think we can’t be so hard on the roommate and make so many assumptions.</p>

<p>She is an 18 yr old kid.</p>

<p>She’s a first generation college kid.</p>

<p>She has financial problems that are impacting her every day.</p>

<p>She has already missed a week of classes.</p>

<p>She has a roommate that appears to have every thing the roommate wishes she had. The roommate is having great fun filled days as far as she knows. She doesn’t need to hear it and become even more miserable. </p>

<p>She is probably miserable. She was probably hoping the roommate would be around more often as she has accompanied her on different occasions outside the room. </p>

<p>We don’t have any clue about her background whatsoever. It could be very unpredictable.</p>

<p>I think the OP has shown great understanding. The fact that she really wants this young woman to be successful is awesome.</p>

<p>She just needs to stop bringing food into the room for awhile or really lay down some new rules.</p>

<p>I really like this kid.</p>

70

<p>@kgal1996‌ I don’t know if someone else may have mentioned this but it’s in your best interest to keep a contemporatneous running record of what is transpiring: i.e. email your RA saying: “Thanks for meeting me on 9/xx/2014. I just wanted to sum what was discussed. Please confirm.” And do this with EVERY meeting with your school officials. Also email yourself summation notes when something occurs with roommate. This record hopefully will NEVER need to be used but a 10 second email while you’re at your laptop is all it takes.</p>

<p>This is standard advice for work situations when there is a potential personnel action with a difficult or needing to be fired employee. Please do this right away.</p>

71

<p>@‌sax “She has a roommate that appears to have everything the roommate wishes for.”</p>

<p>And the ONLY thing that OP has that roommate does not appear to “wish” for is the on campus job!!. I believe in helping people help themselves. Once they are doing that they will get my full support and more.</p>

72

<p>Definitely keep a record and email to confirm that action will be taken. However, remember that if confidential information on the roommate is shared, it is likely that a campus official cannot respond (namely, the medical condition and financial aspects of the roommate).</p>

<p>It still amazes me that more people aren’t like @sax who at least consider that the OP’s roommate has a lot going on too. </p>

<p>Think about it - in the summer the roommate actually requested a KEURIG!?!?!? But then she had NO MONEY to even share the cost? She is completely nuts or completely manipulating. I am voting for nuts.</p>

<p>In any case, hopefully the OP can get this person out or move out herself. I paid off my roommate’s contract with the university’s blessing so I could get her out. If that is not financially possible, the university needs to act.</p>

<p>(I do acknowledge that the roommate could lie/“misremember” that <em>she</em> is the one stealing food and acting rude to the advisor. The OP should be prepared for that possibility. I do not see a resolution without both the OP and her roommate talking to housing or at least the advisor together. This would be the way to protect the OP from what the roommate might say about her.)</p>

73

<p>@Harvest moon. While the job issue is clear – there certainly seems to be a bevy of other issues that all scream to “not ready for residence college” for the roomie. </p>

<p>I recall some people withdrawing in the first few weeks that were clearly in over their heads as Freshmen at my Ivy college. Roomie seems to be best served by voluntary withdrawal. </p>

74

<p>Remember we are still very early in the semester. Last withdrawal date where I teach is first week of November. If this girl, the roommate, is a mess, it is possible she will be thrown out or have to withdraw. But that will take time unless she is getting Fs across the board and the advisor is notified.</p>

<p>So - could the OP put up with 2 months of this, only a few weeks in at this point, and hope nature takes its course?</p>

75

<p>Come on you guys, she ate her roommates snacks and she didn’t ask her how her day was. She thinks the school should have given her more aid.</p>

<p>That’s it. Even the OP has more compassion than you guys and she’s living with her.</p>

76

<p>@sax, you forgot to mention the dorm necessities list that she had no intention of paying for, the grocery list that she had no intention of paying for and the family financial situation drama. Being kind is good, allowing yourself to be manipulated is bad… To me, this has moved to the manipulation level… </p>

77

<p>Deega. </p>

<p>No, I didn’t forget.</p>

<p>The OP bought the room amenities with full knowledge the roommate could not pay for them. Of course the roommate would like to have those things in the room. However she stated she could not contribute to the cost before they were purchased.</p>

<p>The OP asked if she could pick things up at the store and the roommate said she would give her a list. This hasn’t happened yet. We don’t know if she would have paid or not.</p>

<p>The OP knows she now needs to set limits. </p>

<p>If the roommate is purely manipulative (and it seems like this might be the case) the OP already has a handle on it and they have been roommates for what, 3 weeks. </p>

78

<p>OP said she asked if roommate would “like to go with her to the store”. OP did NOT offer to get stuff for roommate. There is a big difference. Roommate took the offer of transportation and twisted it into “buy this list of stuff for me.”</p>

79

<p>Power cropper. Yes, you are right. I got that wrong.</p>

80

<p>What I have learned from this situation is how ignorant I have been about the reality of pushing to get more first gen and URMs into college. Seems that getting into college is not the final hurdle. I don’t know what the answer is, but it seems that colleges have some responsibility for setting up support systems and mentoring for first gens and URMs. Shouldn’t they expect some missteps from families who have never dealt with college before?</p>

<p>Again, I am completely at a loss here. Anyone else have more knowledge on this subject?</p>