<p>@powercropper - I can’t imagine ANY college in this day and age NOT having massive supports systems for 1st gen, URM, international, disabled, and low-income students. Extra funding comes from TRIO and many other sources. There are multi-cultural student supports, tutoring support, SWD (students with disabilities) supports, all the supports for all students (RAs and housing programs), mentorships (peer, faculty), counseling services, and on, and on. The support system is enormous and robust. But…what if a student doesn’t tap it or get identified? Colleges want students to “act like adults” and seek out supports on their own initiative. It’s not working so well, eh? </p>
<p>BTW, the one area of critical and profound need I REALLY DON’T SEE provided is overt FINANCIAL guidance and instruction of students at risk on the financial decision-making and on financial management for student and family. Yet, that is so frequently the base of student dysfunction. </p>
<p>It really bothers me that some people have started assuming that the roommate is an URM. IIRC, the OP said nothing of the sort. She said the girl was 1st gen and that her family cannot or chooses not to support her the same way the OP’s own parents do. That’s it. The OP could be an URM for all we know. Let’s not make assumptions.</p>
<p>I find it difficult to be sympathetic because I have friends that are from similar situations but who reacted to them very differently. I have friends who started college at 18, were first generation college students, had financial problems that impacted them every day, had roommates who were much better off financially, and struggled with their financial aid office. I don’t know the OP’s roommate’s background, but I know the backgrounds of my friends and trust me they really, really sucked. The difference is they also worked (had always worked since high school), and most of them worked 2-3 different jobs to help make ends meet (and to help support their families at home). I don’t think they ever had a situation where they missed a week of class, but they also made sure they had the money to pay their fees on time (from financial aid and loans–their families contributed nothing because they had nothing to contribute). I do have one friend who was in this situation and struggled with college material because she went to a really rotten high school, but she handled that by taking advantage of all of the tutoring options the school had to offer, going to all of her professor’s and TA’s office hours, and eventually hiring a student to tutor her (which she paid for with her own money). They never would have considered a Keurig a necessity for the room because it really, really isn’t, and they never would have given their roommate a list of things they can buy for them because that’s extremely presumptuous.</p>
<p>I know, I know, everyone’s different. And I’m sure there are other people that have a lot going on and not every can handle it like my friends can. But it makes it harder for me to be sympathetic because it doesn’t even seem like the OP’s roommate is trying. Going to the financial aid office and saying that they can’t possibly expect them to pay because they’re so poor is awfully entitled (and yes, I know that we don’t know how this exact conversation went). Going to a school that you clearly can’t afford is also a poor choice. Eating all of your roommates snacks (and it’s not just some–it seems to be excessive) is rude and inconsiderate, especially without offering to contribute any money (which she would have if she got a job). Unless she has something else really major going on, it’s hard to understand why she can’t manage to work 10 hours/week.</p>
<p>I get that she has a lot going on. If it sounded like she was trying, then I could be more understanding. But it sounds like she expects people to give her handouts, which I find it hard to be sympathetic about.</p>
<p>I’ve lived with girls like her before who are always willing to take but are never willing to contribute, and you have to either hide your stuff or be firm with them about what they can and cannot have. </p>
<p>@Consolation - If you’re referring to my comment, I’m not making any assumption about the student’s identify other than that of the disability (chronic health condition impairing behavior and creating special needs) and low income, as reported by OP. What I was attempting to explain is that there is an extremely broad array of supports for college students (especially those from population groups historically disadvantaged, challenged, or marginalized) now — except for that financial planning and management piece (strangely). FWIW. </p>
<p>Well, I’m not sure what kind of financial guidance would help stop a student with no money from stealing from a roommate. The OP should report her and move immediately. It’s not her problem.</p>
<p>@dylu13 - No, I wasn’t referring to your comment at all. You were clearly referring to the broad range of available supports, not consigning the roommate to any group.</p>
<p>I think the OP is handling this in a perfectly appropriate way. She’s asking for advice, she’s contacted the Dean with her concerns. I think this will play out in her favor over the next few weeks. Don’t panic, OP. Do you have any suitcase or luggage? Put your snacks in there, under your bed, get a cheap little lock at the bookstore and lock the zipper. That should safeguard your stuff. And then just go about your business. </p>
<p>The only part of this situation that is a current problem for you is that she is eating your snack food. Easy solution: Don’t keep snack food in your room. Eat your meals in the dining hall and don’t snack. It’s not healthy anyway.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone for the continued response and discussion. My roommate went home for the weekend so I am having some time to relax. </p>
<p>To address a few points…
Yes, my roommate is a “URM” and I am not. I did not want to mention that at first because I feared painting myself or my roommate in a negative light and I did not want race to be a defining point of this discussion, because I hope to one day live in a world where race never has to define any discussion… But I guess in the game of college it is still somewhat relevant. I will note that there are very few URMs on my campus, but we are still a large school so I know the support system is there. I think my roommate just doesn’t want/know how to tap into it. I also agree that financial knowledge should be more prevalent to every student- it is just such a confusing process, I honestly could barely figure it out and that is with having two parents with degrees and growing up in a school district that emphasized college preparation and having older cousins and friends to talk to. And I do believe our university makes things difficult- it seems like everyday my roommate got different answers, ie., she can stay in dorm but no classes, go to classes but no food, have food but no living in dorm, etc…
My roommate did attend a special orientation for “disadvantaged students” (first gens, URMs, internationals) but I do not know the contents of this program.
Yes I offered my roommate to go to the store with me, not buy her food. I was hoping that we would go to the store together and I would make it clear that “oh I only have $10 to spend from my job, I can only get what I really need to eat between my classes this week”. And maybe this would prompt her to see that getting job->having money->buying snacks for oneself. I never did get a list of food.
Yesterday when her parents came to get her it was very strange. I was/am sick so I was resting in my bed and doing homework. Her mom comes into the room suddenly, helps her get her things together, and then looks at the snack area. She says “Oh daughter roomie, where are all the snacks?” Roomie says “yeah I don’t know, all my snacks are gone!” And then looks at me. Mom says “daughter roomie, we just bought you all those a week ago!” I could not believe that I was being pointed at as a source of snack thievery when I have eaten NONE of my roommates’ things. I wanted to scream “your daughter was without a meal card for a week, that’s probably where the snacks went!!!” But this was the first time meeting her mom and I did not want a confrontation. Her mom then asked if they should get some snacks and roomie says “Oh kgal, aren’t you going to the store this weekend?” And I said “no I’m pretty sick and need to focus on homework, I doubt I will get there.”
I will confess I drank one of my roommates Ginger Ales after spending the night throwing up.
I do not plan on talking to anyone higher up unless more irreplaceable things begin to get used (clothes, etc). At the end of the day I think things will run their course and I do not think requesting rooms will help. </p>
<p>I know many have suggested that I am an enabler, but I think my actions have been what most kids would do. Kids are raised to share, not to say “You may eat exactly 4 Oreos out of these 12 that I have purchased because I am entitled to 8 and I feel charitable enough to give you 4.” And on the flip side, I guess I was also raised with the opposing mentality- “If someone shares their food with you, eat less than you want to.” In high school I went on numerous school band trips, sharing rooms and food with other students (some of them merely acquaintances) and never set boundaries or had boundaries set for me about appropriate amounts of food to eat. I guess I have learned that not everyone is raised with these being possible ideals. </p>
<p>kgal, I hope you feel better soon. I think you are handling things well and that time will take care of the situation. And you’re correct that her being a URM has nothing to do with this situation. </p>
<p>I wonder whether the roomie didn’t tell the mom that she went without a meal plan for a week to save her feelings so the mom wasn’t able to put two and two together. Regardless, you seem like a wonderful, compassionate person who also isn’t afraid to set boundaries. That’s a great combination! :)</p>
<p>Just have an open and non-confrontational conversation with her when she returns on Sunday to set some ground rules on the food issue. Tell her you are happy for her to use your fridge, microwave, coffee maker and other appliances but that you are financing your snacks with your on-camus job, and therefore won’t be able to supply those for the 2 of you. Think that is pretty clear and perhaps now that she knows where you stand she will respect your wishes.</p>
<p>@kgal1996, most people your age aren’t used to being in positions of authority with their own peers, so I think it’s natural that you didn’t know you needed to set boundaries with your roommate. And few people, including adults, know how to handle a manipulative person. </p>
<p>I do fault the school for not being clearer about financial expectations. At my daughter’s college, most of the students on financial aid are expected to work. The college doesn’t just hand out jobs, but the students know they are expected to find them. It’s really unfortunate that this expectation wasn’t made clear to your roommate or that her family didn’t understand the need for this.</p>
<p>While I can’t give your roommate a pass on thinking it’s okay to steal, it is possible she really expected the school community (including you) to magically provide for all her needs once she got to school. If she isn’t expelled or moved, you will need to set new expectations for her. These might include locking up your fridge (or selling it if you’re on a meal plan and don’t absolutely need it), and only keeping a few snacks around. Although in my experience, snacks in the room equal unwanted extra pounds.</p>
<p>What?!! It’s your fridge! She should have her own very small fridge for that. It is not YOUR responsibility to provide a fridge for <em>her</em> medical needs. She absolutely needs to make her own arrangements for her own medical needs. What if she had ended up with a roommate that couldn’t or didn’t want to provide a fridge? She can buy a mini fridge that can hold a six pack for under $50 with amazon prime, this should be big enough for her meds and not take up too much space. Possibly her insurance might pay for such a small fridge or the campus health program?</p>
<p>I don’t think kgal is at the point of wanting to force her roommate to get her own fridge for her insulin, although she’d certainly be within her rights to do so. I also don’t think people should be saying the roommate has been “stealing” from kgal – taking advantage definitely, but they agreed to “share” food, so roomie was acting within the agreement, until kgal makes it clear that that deal is off. kgal has been clear that she doesn’t want to kick the roomie out or move out herself, so I think people should stop telling her she needs to do that. </p>
<p>I think kgal is doing a fine job setting boundaries. It does sound like unfortunately the roomie does not have what it takes to succeed. Hopefully kgal’s having raised the issue with the adviser will help the roomie get the advising she needs to take advantage of resources available to her. Kgal needs to make it clear that she does not have an infinite stream of “free” (parent-purchased) snacks, and only has a small amount of spending to buy snacks for herself, which I think she is beginning to communicate. And yes, I think her plan of saying something like “I only have $10 from my job to buy my snacks” gets across not only that, but also the point about what a great thing a job is, when you want to have snacks in the room or spending money for other purposes. Good luck, kgal, I think you’re doing fine.</p>
<p>Sorry, if you were my daughter I would not allow someone else to store medicine to in my daughter’s fridge, too much liability, what if the fridge breaks and the medicine spoils? No way would I allow this. I don’t like the idea of medicine stored with food either, especially in a dorm size fridge.</p>
<p>@kgal, you are not an enabler. You have showed compassion, but have done a good job realizing the boundary between helping and enabling. You escalated at exactly the right time. </p>
<p>I really don’t think that as a parent I am in the position to allow or disallow anything in my kid’s dorm fridge. </p>
<p>As far as not storing the meds in the same fridge as food–do you really think most people who are on meds that have to be refrigerated buy a separate fridge JUST for meds? I’ve never seen such a thing, and when I was on such meds it never occurred to me to put them anywhere but my fridge. The only time they were in a fridge all by themselves was when I traveled and brought one of those six-pack type fridges. </p>
<p>Liability for the roommate’s insulin? I really think that is an unrealistic concern. And it’s insulin, not toxic waste or viral samples. It isn’t going to contaminate the food.</p>
<p>Kgal, it sounds as if the mother did not know that she was without a meal card for a week. It is also quite likely that she and her mother have previously had some conflict about her eating the kind of junk food that most teens do, but which is even worse for her than it is for non-diabetics, and so she didn’t want to reveal that she had been living on chips and the like. Or her mother could be a nut job, but I have my doubts.</p>
You were clearly referring to the broad range of available supports, not consigning the roommate to any group.</p>