<p>I'm a 19 female and a sophomore in college. My parents have always been overly controlling, rarely letting me make my own decisions or even go on walks without permission. Recently I started my first serious relationship (engagement is pending) and since then my family has gone completely nutters. It makes some sense considering I'm the youngest, but it's maddening. I can't go anywhere without their permission unless it's for work or school, and even then I have to text to let them know where I am. It's to the point that they want me to have a chaperon whenever I go see my boyfriend. And even worse they're making me waste money on the dorms again because "having an apartment would lead to temptation"... little do they know I've been planning on rooming with my boyfriend even before we started dating (we were/are best friends and had plans to room together and save money before hand)
So in summary
1- I'm practically a housekeeper and prisoner in my own home
2- I'm not even allowed to be near my boyfriend without my sister present
3- I'm having to waste a couple grand on a dorm I won't even be staying in because of them...
4- once I go back to school in the fall my family will see me maybe once a month and have very little contact with me</p>
<p>My only option seems to be moving out...but that won't go over well with them at all. I currently have a job and am saving up, and my boyfriend is searching for full-time work in order to support us while I finish school. My plan right now is to 'move into the dorm' and then slowly bring anything else I need to the apartment over the school year until I have everything I need from home. Next summer I'm planning on taking summer classes and working so that I don't have to go home, and then just not move back in. I want to do the smart thing and be stable when I leave, but I don't really think it's healthy to stay any longer than august at the latest. Is my plan to underhanded? Does anyone have any advice for me? </p>
<p>There was a Paul Simon song called “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” and your question reminded me of that. You just do it.</p>
<p>You’re of legal age at 19. You can do with your life what you want without your parent’s permission. You can also pay the price of going it alone. You have to be prepared for whatever they might do and be willing to live with it. Are you prepared to live independently, financially and emotionally? </p>
<p>That’s perhaps tough to do at 19, and it puts an enormous weight on a relationship and schoolwork. However, young women do it all the time, and they survive the experience. It’s not easy to do at any age.</p>
<p>What did your siblings do? have you talked to them about your parents and their controlling ways with you? Is there a member of the clergy you could talk to? Your college no doubt has counseling services for their students. Have you consulted them for help? You have a real life, adult problem, and it is appropriate to address it with a counselor who can help you clear your mind about this problem.</p>
<p>Why are they like that, is it a cultural or religious situation typical in your community? I guess their fears are well founded though, from your ‘plan’. They aren’t suspicious for no reason, are they?</p>
<p>It is your own money that they are going to make you spend on the dorm, then–they are making you ‘waste’ your own money? You pay all school/room/board yourself? You don’t need your parents cooperation to fill out fafsa, you will just be full pay on your own, planning for that with a boyfriend who doesn’t currently even hold a job? Doesn’t sound like a very good plan.</p>
<p>I think you should finish your school before going off on your own. I hate to see someone ruin their future so they can have short term gratification. If you have a dorm room, there is no reason to rush in and live in another apartment, it doesn’t make any sense. The boyfriend should live cheaply, get a job and save money for the future.Move in together when you both have jobs. It is smarter to test if the relationship works for the longer term, because you are only 19 and people change and mature. But the most important thing is to get your college diploma. Then do whatever you want. </p>
<p>If you are financially dependent on your parents to get through school, then you have a choice to make. Is it more important to you to finish school with their support or move in with your boyfriend right now? You can’t do both. Your dilemma is that you want both- to live with your boyfriend and have your parents continue to support your education and you are upset because they won’t. If it is their money, they can choose what to do with it. You can decide to take it and follow their rules, or move in with your boyfriend and finance your own education.</p>
<p>You know that if you go back to school according to your parents’ wishes, you could still spend plenty of time with him while also living in the dorms and focusing on school. You are trying to justify underhandedly moving in with him by making your parents wrong, but you also know they are not entirely wrong, and that is why this decision is troubling you. </p>
<p>You are only 19. Please don’t make long term plans. Let your BF find work and save money. You continue to do the same. If this level of oversight occurs only during the summer, tough it out.</p>
<p>It is very common for women in overly controlled or bad situations at home to “escape” early into the arms of a man. Please hold off on anything that would keep you from finishing your degree.</p>
<p>Is counseling available for free at your college? It usually is–please seek guidance there. You want to stand on your own two feet, not rely on a savior.</p>
<p>^ and sometimes that “savior” is as controlling or more as the parents. One clue to that possibility is urgency. IMHO, a boyfriend who respects you also cares about you fulfilling your educational goals, and finishing his education so he can be a responsible partner. If you are planning to spend the rest of your lives together- why does it have to be right now?</p>
<p>A hallmark of an abusive relationship is separation and isolation- taking the person away from family, friends, interests. This comes from a deep insecurity. You might be thinking “but he loves me”. Yes, they do act loving and amazing, but the abuser also acts fast and once he gets what he wants, he changes. </p>
<p>If this boyfriend loves you in a healthy way, then he will also continue to love you while you live in the dorms and get your degree.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the replies. To answer any questions.
1- I’m paying for school through scholarships and student loans
2- My boyfriend wants to save up money and then go to school once I’m finished
3- I understand that I’m risking alot financially and emotionally, which is why this is a hard decision
4- I don’t want “the best of both worlds” I want to be independent and not end up like my sister who is 23 with seemingly no plans to make it on her own.
5- Based upon past experience with my mother I have reason to fear physical harm if I upset her to much (when my sister mentioned moving out 3 years ago she ended up with a laundry basket to the gut and deep bruising on her stomach for almost a month)</p>
<p>That’s a good response, OP, to the questions we’ve raised.</p>
<p>So you could leave your parents’ world at any time since you’re paying for college, is that right? Then why don’t you? What’s keeping you back? Health insurance costs?</p>
<p>I strongly suggest counseling. We at CC are light years from you and the problem.</p>
<p>Parents can be more understanding than you first assume, sit them down and have a serious chat with them. It could be cultural , I ,as a guy , got much more freedom and room to do whatever at 13 than my sister gets at 15. It’s unfair and I feel sorry for her but what you gonna do? </p>
<p>You also realize that you can have your independence in a few years when you finish college.
I take it your boyfriend has not finished college. How much easier would it be for you to finish school with your parents’ help, get your degree, and then if he is in school at least one of you can be working?</p>
<p>Even if your family isn’t the typical situation, the goal of attending college is to be independent. Most college students suspend complete independence and rely somewhat on their families, in order to reach that goal. Attending college, and living in the dorms is not going to stop you from being independent. You are not your sister, nor will you necessarily turn out like her if, once you get your degree, you establish yourself on your own.</p>
<p>I see what you want, and now, your choice is- do you want it now or later? There are pros and cons to either choice. Yes, you are 19, and you can choose what you want, but be prepared to handle the consequences of it.</p>
<p>Mainly I’m being held back by the fact that I don’t want to hurt my father, and due to my religious views moving in with my boyfriend even if it’s just for financial reasons, is considered sinful…So my main dilemma will be that if I move out I will be disobeying ‘direct orders’ from my parents and risking alienation and ruining the relationship…Not to mention that until I’m married members of the church will also look down upon my living situation…which is why I’m considering a courthouse wedding but I’m still trying to figure everything out on that end.</p>
<p>Basically, every choice we make is between two sets of outcomes and the pros and cons of each. Otherwise, these kids of choices would be easy and they are not. You still have two main choices- move in (with or without a wedding) with boyfriend now, or get your degree and do it later. There are pros and cons of each. You will have to choose which set of pros you want, and take the consequences of either. </p>
<p>There are going to be people who are not into religion and will tell you your parents are restrictive and you should do what you want. Religion is restrictive to some degree, but in many cases, there are reasons for some of the structures that evolved over time. A man and woman living together doesn’t just lead to “temptation”. There is a reason behind your parents’ wishes for you to finish school, then get married- in that order- so that you are better prepared to take on the adult responsibilities of life as a couple. These ideas apply to anyone, of any religion, or no religion, so it isn’t just your parents being religious that make them feel this is the right thing to do.</p>