Hi guys! I just graduated high school in late May and have been wanting to go to a college 800 miles from my hometown in Kansas. I’ve been in Kansas my entire 18 years of living and want to continue my education somewhere other than here. Unfortunately, my parents are not so on board with the whole idea of me leaving for college. I come from a family with first generation immigrant parents and they are somewhat very traditional based. I’ve informed them that I have a phenomenal scholarship to this college and that I was given decently good grants along with it. Despite that, they are still very reluctant about me leaving and want me to attend our local university in town (I have applied and signed up for classes just in case). My dad on the other hand is very against me leaving. Every time we sit down to discuss my college pathway, It becomes very overwhelming and he argues that …
-Im fresh out of high school and I’m not going to make it
-Once I leave for college and come back home that I’ll be “out of control” (As a high school student I was very engaged in my studies and distanced myself away any type of drugs, parties, etc)
-I could get the same education here in town instead of 800 miles away
-He won’t know what Im doing
-Im not going to survive and I’ll starve (I have a meal plan set… )
-I’ll crash my car
And overall really just doubting me in general. Even when I speak up to give him my perspective Im interrupted every time by his opinions. It’s upsetting that he doesn’t support me nor believe that I can do this. Classes are going to start up very soon and the set move in date into the dorms is very near. I’m very conflicted and really do not want to stay in town for college.
My parents have sheltered me my entire life and I feel as if leaving for college will teach me how to me independent. If I stay in town, then I personally think that I will never really learn to be independent; I will rely on my parents too much.
What 2 colleges?
I have a prejudice here. I have a daughter who is a senior at a university about 30 minutes form our house. She is living with 2 girls she has known since third grade and has a boyfriend from our neighborhood and has really met no new friends at the university. And the kids from our small town who don’t go to college? They often wind up in this college town and the high school social scene is recreated.
So I agree with you. Going to college in your home town, and likely living at home, is not an ideal situation. It sounds like you have an opportunity to go to college out of state, which is a great way to transition into being an adult. Even if you went to the college in your town, is that where you will get a job? Very unlikely. Sounds like your parents are having trouble letting go, which I can understand. But it is time.
You say you have a phenomenal scholarship to the OOS college. IS is a full-ride? Are your parents paying for part/all of college?
It’s not a full ride, but it pays off A LOT of the tuition, especially since Im an out of state student. I don’t know how to convince them to let me go.
Is the local college 2 or 4 year? Have you put deposits on both schools?
How to convince them? That is not easy. Especially if they are the ones paying the bill.
What does it cost compared to attending a local college? Maybe they can’t afford it.
Good point, @PrimeMeridian. I had not considered a possible financial angle.
They are both 4 year colleges. And I’ve only put in a deposit (with my own personal money that I worked for during my summer job) to the college that is out of state. The local college does not require a deposit until the 23th of this month. It’s hard to talk and convince them (especially my dad) because Im frequently interrupted each time I try to disperse my opinion. I really don’t want to stay in town. I grew up with the same people and really just want to experience something new and meet new faces.
It’s about the same price as the local college. So both colleges are the same pricing (approximately)
What are the costs of each?
Reason I ask about the costs, is that I wonder if you can handle the cost yourself? Are parents refusing to pay for out of state school? Is is comparable in academics to the the local one?
I’ve PMd you.
Can you get your mom or some other relative to help you with this discussion? And maybe ask your dad to let you try it for the first year and see how your grades are and if you are happy.
Is there evidence that the OOS college is “better” from some college ranking system?
Is there evidence that the department you would major in is “better” than at the local college?
Can you pay for the OOS college without help from your family?
How badly do you want to get away from your family? Would you consider a gap year, and applying to a new list in search of a place where you would not need your family to help pay for anything?
Your dad is your dad. My bet is that the only thing that would convince him to let you go OOS right now would be if an older person from your immigrant community who he truly respects as an elder, would tell him that it is a good thing for you to go. Is there anyone like that?
Please clarify something.
You say you have gotten a scholarship and grants from this college 800 miles away. Did you accept their offer of enrollment? Did you accept their financial aid offer? And you paid a deposit there.
Then you say that you have already registered for classes at the local college…so it sounds like you accepted their offer of enrollment also. Even if you haven’t paid a penny…you have registered for classes there…
You are only supposed accept ONE offer of admission…and ONE offer of financial aid…at ONE college. Not two.
Keep this in mind…you will need your parents to be on board with completing the financial aid application forms for subsequent years. Will they do so if you choose the school 800 miles away?
Also…
Who is paying the remainder of your costs to attend this 800 mile away college…the remainder of the tuition costs, room, board, fees, books, TRANSPORTATION (it’s 800 miles away…how are you planning to get back and forth), personal expenses?
If you stay local, will you be expected to live at home? Maybe the cost of room/board is also too much for your parents to pay.
Do you have younger siblings?
Naming the 2 colleges in question is up to you, depending on your need for privacy. But it would help posters see the whole picture.
Also, could you break down the costs of the OOS school?
Tuition, Room and Board cost for a year
Federal Grants
Merit Scholarship
Federal Loans
Private Loans
Work Study
How much outstanding balance is left after all these monies are put towards the total cost? How will this outstanding balance be paid? Do your parents have any money saved up? Will they have to pay monthly from their current income?
Be sure you have a financial payment plan in place. If you have an outstanding balance after the first semester or the first year, you will not be allowed to register for the next semester. And you won’t be able to send your transcript to another college until your bill is paid in full.
"If I stay in town, then I personally think that I will never really learn to be independent; I will rely on my parents too much. "
- This is not true at all. You can learn to be independent while leaving at home by taking on more tasks and completing them well. You can learn actually much faster as you can always ask parents to show you how certain things are done. It is entirely up to you where and how you learn to be independent.
Second point is that I would advice to listen to your parents at this point of your life simply because you are NOT financially independent and will not be for awhile. It is simply smart to keep the branch that you are sitting on intact and not broken.
And as the third point, your academic success and career will depend much more on you than college that you attend. So, be ready to plunge into very hard work on the first day of college, no matter where you attend and look at your current issue with your parents as one tiny obstacle that you should leave behind you ASAP for your own sake and good fortune!! You are very fortunate and privileged to have parents who deeply care about you!! Not everybody out there have this at you age, use it to YOUR ADVANTAGE, not disadvantage!
Cut the tail off once. Given the list if irrational (by not atypical) fears your dad has displayed I concur with your attempts to assert yourself.
There’s no point in trying to address those reasons point by point. Your parents fear that once you leave the nest, you’ll never come home. That’s a deep-seated fear and hard to pierce. Also, they may feel an implicit “what’s good for you isn’t good enough for me” and feel somewhat insulted. But if you have wanderlust, so be it. Better to sate it than to stay at home and resent them and the life that could have been.
You may ultimately not be successful in convincing them (because no one can prove a negative) and have to simply leave.
Do you have cousins who have left the nest? Are you a member of a congregation where you can seek out someone who can be your advocate?
You may have to be steely about it. I had a similar moment with my family (headed off to a different city for an iffy job). My family were also immigrants and expected all the kids to be nearby. But my mind was set on my course and there was no changing. I was respectful to my parents (and had done nothing to warrant their fear or suspicion) but stayed my course. They ultimately supported me, even if they didn’t support my decision. While not happy, when I left they supported me. Funny thing is that 4 yrs later, the job transferred me back – but by this time, I was newly married and a year after that, brought the 1st grandchild into the scene. That was wonderful for my parents.
BTW: I’m a strong advocate that my own kids get out and explore the world. Leaving my Midwestern home to go off to a distant college was a pivotal moment for my life.
@laurriiihii00 I agree with the above posters on our need for more information. And also the recommendation of having another family member to help present your case. Your parents really hold the cards here. Any financial aid is based on their income and assets, regardless of how much they are willing to pay. I say this while respecting your preference for the OOS school, which I am sympathetic with, based on the info given so far.
What you need here is 3rd party person that both you and your parents trust. Your situation is common one but theri are no easy answers. Since you need your parents financial blessing they really do hold the final answer. Best of luck to you because I certainly understand your point of view.