how do you cope when you have a international roommate who is seriously introverted and depressed. She doesnt speak fluent english, its very broken. She never leaves our shared dorm room, she will even brush her teeth in our room using bottled water and a garbage can. Im a senior american and shes sophmore asian. I got her randomly and she leaves in a month, here for a semester.
She does not speak to anyone who is not from her country. The other asian students wont even hang out with her, they only talk to her when they see her around. The other internationals say the same thing as me she does not talk to anyone. Only thing she does is study at her desk or sleep all day. I told my RA who did nothing and talked to res life, who says they will reach out to the international coordinator.
I tried to befriend her in the beginning of september and quit after she refused to come to any event on campus. We have not spoken in almost a month. I spend my entire time in my room in silence which is seriously driving me insane. I try to be as far away from my room as possible yet its still my room too. Im here mainly to sleep as i prefer to hang out with friends in other dorms. People in my dorm wonder if i actually live here. If i have friends over she acts up and startled. Like she doesnt want them here. My friends have tried to talk to her and they cant understand her at all due to language barrier. None of us speak Japanese. I honestly wonder why she took a semester abroad when she cant even speak the language.
I feel bad for this girl, yet im indifferent to her now. I tried to befriend her as i thought she needed a friend, i helped order her textbooks and answered any questions she has. That ended in early October. We are simply too different, theres a huge cultural and age gap between us. Ive had other international roommates and international friends and this girl is the polar opposite to what i have encountered before.
Res Life wont give me a room change due to its too late in the semester. They like me feel bad as this girls study abroad college experience was literally spent in bed. She never even explored the area we are in due to having no friends. She spent Fall break in our room and most likely thanksgiving break will be the same. The other internationals are planning various trips around the region so they are not inviting my roommate with them.
I have been mainly studying elsewhere- in library study room etc. Hanging out with friends in other buildings etc. But i am also slightly introverted and want my own alone time. Ive tried to ask her before and she just ignored me and made a weird face like umm no on idea of her going to the library to study.
Any tips on how to cope for the rest of the semester. Im not openly hostile to this girl its just im frustrated with her due to the fact i cannot get a hour of alone time. I cant have anyone over for ten minutes due to her acting weird. I mainly ignore her but the tension is almost too much for me to handle. I dont want to be in here unless i am forced to.
That sounds like a really uncomfortable living situation, and it was a good idea to talk to the RA to get help for her. She is clearly unhappy, and it sounds like depression (though we can’t really diagnose over the internet). It’s too bad it worked out this way for both of you but you’re almost done with the semester. Unfortunately she has the right to be in the room as much as she wants. But I totally understand the need to have some alone time and getting frustrated when you can’t have it. I’d keep doing what you’re doing for now - find a spot on campus that makes you happy and where you can do your work. For example, there was this one area of the library I really loved, and I’d treat myself to a coffee and smoked salmon bagel from the nearby cafe and that would be my nice quiet spot. You’re almost at the end of the semester, you can power through.
I know this sounds SO anti-social but I get the “alone time”. You are “alone” emotionally since she doesn’t interact but it’s hard to relax in that atmosphere. It is your room too. If you want to just be “done” and want physical alone time, get a small tent or screen for your bed (on-line) and use it. Block her out physically. Get comfy. You’ll sleep better.
In any case you need an immediate attitude change. You feel bad that you can’t seem to help her, but you shouldn’t. You did your part–you’ve invited her, you talked to her, tried to help her meet friends, you really tried. Give yourself some applause. Now (actually long ago) it’s up to her. Stop already accommodating her.
You wonder why she signed up for something she doesn’t seem to want to do. Easy guess–just like every kid globally-- parents. Now it’s just her–with her own foibles, likes, dislikes and she’s coping in her own way. Let her.
You are NOT in charge of her happiness nor her personality. It is NOT a reflection on you (although it can feel that way–hence the attitude change). Have your friends over and feel free to ignore her (sounds mean but it’s not).
Honestly I would just continue with you have been doing – minimizing the time you spend in your room and steering clear of her. It would not be a bad idea to talk to your RA as well so the RA can check in on her.
The semester will be over soon.
You made an effort but you can’t force someone to become engaged and happy.
She’s the wrong person in a bad-for-her situation, far from home. Keep doing what you are doing and be thankful it is not you in her shoes. Next month, get her card and a small sweet going home gift and wish her a happy life, using Google translate or something.
"I once heard one of my Japanese friends telling me:
あなたの幸せを祈っています (anata no shiawase wo inotteimasu).
This basically means “I wish for your happiness”. So, I am guessing that the natural way of saying “I wish to you happy life” in Japanese would be by omitting the word “life”."
@dailydog1 I have an introverted roommate as well. Even then, it’s not that bad because I can do whatever I want and he doesn’t care what I do. Although, it’s still nice to have some alone time, so I just go somewhere else. Now, would it be nice if I had some alone time in my actual room? Yes, but I’m not going to get upset with him over that because it’s him room too and I just have to deal with it.
Overall, I’d just tough this semester out and you’ll most likely get a roommate next semester who’s different from your current one.
that is what Res life, the RA, my parents, and friends are all telling me. We think she was forced to be here, and was probably really close to failing the TOEFL exam due to the language barrier.
Since i posted this, her new habit is going back to Japanese time so about 12 hours ahead of us. Shes sleeping all day and wants to be up all night. Shes sleeping all afternoon and waking up by 10pm our time so like 10am her time. Im also working on my capstone so im stressed about that, which is due in three weeks. My schedule is crazy. But last night as i went to bed at like 2am, i had to leave for work at 9:30. She stayed up the whole time typing on her laptop and slamming the door throughout the morning so like 4,5,6am while im trying to sleep, to go to the bathroom. So instead of me sleeping normally, i had to hear her tying on her laptop at her desk all morning till she left for class at 9am. im a heavy sleeper normally but could not fall into deep sleep due to the noise. This was after she literally slept or laid in bed all weekend so if the paper/ assignment was due at 9, she procrastinated it to the last minute and decided to do it in our room instead of somewhere else.
Shes inconsiderate of anything i do, i would just simply sneak in if i up studying late for class. Instead she will keep me up all night/ early morning when i need sleep so i dont get sick. Im doing all of these things you are saying already, people know its not me. Im literally counting down the days till she leaves. Im no longer being nice. I keep the overhead on when shes sleeping, slamming doors. I dont want to be in there yet i need to be to do laundry, or to sleep and now those are getting affected. Ive been doing this all semester and am mainly in and out of the room a lot.
There is a solid chance im getting a single next semester so its just to tough it out with her for a month. But its a struggle when her actions are begining to affect my health due to lack of sleep, or overly hot room. I have a sinus condition. I hate res life for putting me with a 19 year old when im 22, randomly. I dont want to escalate it with her too much as she has already, climbed on my bed to turn the heat on my side of the room, i dont know if shes went through my stuff or not. I have caught anything missing yet.
update hasnt been approved yet but shes now sleeping all day and staying up all night which her actions are keeping me up all night. Shes up late tying on her laptop and slamming doors at like 5,6,7am to go to the bathroom. Im in bed trying to sleep. This is after coming back from library or whatever building im in late at night. Lib closes at 2 at my school. If her sleep habits keep me awake much longer im going to be getting sick. I have my capstone this semester so im already busy and stressed this last month. I cant wait till she leaves.
that is what Res life, the RA, my parents, and friends are all telling me. We think she was forced to be here, and was probably really close to failing the TOEFL exam due to the language barrier.
Since i posted this, her new habit is going back to Japanese time so about 12 hours ahead of us. Shes sleeping all day and wants to be up all night. Shes sleeping all afternoon and waking up by 10pm our time so like 10am her time. Im also working on my capstone so im stressed about that, which is due in three weeks. My schedule is crazy. But last night as i went to bed at like 2am, i had to leave for work at 9:30. She stayed up the whole time typing on her laptop and slamming the door throughout the morning so like 4,5,6am while im trying to sleep, to go to the bathroom. So instead of me sleeping normally, i had to hear her tying on her laptop at her desk all morning till she left for class at 9am. im a heavy sleeper normally but could not fall into deep sleep due to the noise. This was after she literally slept or laid in bed all weekend so if the paper/ assignment was due at 9, she procrastinated it to the last minute and decided to do it in our room instead of somewhere else.
Shes inconsiderate of anything i do, i would just simply sneak in if i up studying late for class. Instead she will keep me up all night/ early morning when i need sleep so i dont get sick. Im doing all of these things you are saying already, people know its not me. Im literally counting down the days till she leaves. Im no longer being nice. I keep the overhead on when shes sleeping, slamming doors. I dont want to be in there yet i need to be to do laundry, or to sleep and now those are getting affected. Ive been doing this all semester and am mainly in and out of the room a lot.
There is a solid chance im getting a single next semester so its just to tough it out with her for a month. But its a struggle when her actions are begining to affect my health due to lack of sleep, or overly hot room. I have a sinus condition. I hate res life for putting me with a 19 year old when im 22, randomly. I dont want to escalate it with her too much as she has already, climbed on my bed to turn the heat on my side of the room, i dont know if shes went through my stuff or not. I have caught anything missing yet.
It seems to have escalated since your first post. I do think that it is fair to go to the RA and demand that she work with your and your roommate agree to some rules for the room-- such as keeping heat at a certain temperature, being quiet after midnight (or going out of the room if she wants to use the computer etc.). If the RA doesn’t help I’d go to ResLife and ask for support. Perhaps the RA or ResLife can get someone who speaks Japanese to come to a discussion as a translator in the discussion so your roommate has no excuse for “not understanding”.
Roommates have the right to stay in the room as much as they want. It can be annoying, but you could use headphones/screens to form your own space.
It was good for you to give your RA a heads up that your roommate seems depressed.
Once your roommate is not letting you sleep, this changes the equation. You should
A) Ask the roommate to be quiet at night
B) Go RA and tell them the situation…you need sleep. Also talk to them about the heat…tell them it is a health issue. There shoudl be an accepted temperature range that is allowed.
C) If she is sleeping during the day, go abotu your business, but quietly Use headphones but study/whatever.
D) If this does not get resolved quickly, go to Res Life.