<p>I was an AVID tutor for 7th-12th grade college bound students for 6 years before we moved and I had to quit. My boss there always told us that fair is not equal. What one student needs, another doesn’t.</p>
<p>Do fairly what the student and family needs at that point in time. Be fair to each student. It doesn’t need to be equal in terms of finances. It just needs to be fair based on what the student needs at that point in time.</p>
<p>This is how a close friend handled it:</p>
<p>DS1 went to an Ivy League - almost full pay.</p>
<p>DS2 went to a state flagship and loved it.</p>
<p>After DS#2 got a job, parents put $500 per month into DS#2’s 401K plan at work for four years.</p>
<p>Everyone was happy.</p>
<p>I plan to spend about the same amount on all of my girls. I told them I would spend the amount that it costs to send them to our state flagship university. Since the oldest dd and the twins are ten years apart in school, the price will change so I will not say x amount of dollars for each. That would not be fair. So this is the budget and they will make the choices that benefit them. Oldest dd didn’t want to go to our state flagship but was able to get a scholarship that put her COA to attend the college she chose at the same price as the flagship. It is funny how they behave when it is their money they are spending. </p>
<p>Oh and if they get scholarships to cover costs, I give them extras. Oldest is not getting anything extra but she could have had a brand new car had she taken her safety.</p>
<p>I agree that you can’t assume spending will always be equal on every child…nor should that be the goal --rather we should strive to meet our child’s needs (not all wants).</p>
<p>SHHHH…our gift to our son was repayment of his Stafford Loans. He was instructed NOT to tell his sister…who will get the same gift when hers come due for repayment. DS’s loans are double what his sister’s are (he has a masters…she does not). We have no intention of telling him what we are paying for his sister. Quite frankly, it’s none of his business…it’s OUR business because we are making the payments. And it doesn’t matter to us…the amounts are still WAYYYYYYY less than what we were paying each month for them to attend college!!</p>
<p>Hmm, I guess for me I would say that we aren’t required as parents to treat our kids exactly the same. </p>
<p>However, we put aside a certain amount in each kids college fund. That is what they will get to pay for school. If they need more than that, depending on the college they choose, then they will need to get a job or be ready to take out additional loans. </p>
<p>It’s somewhat like getting the benefits package at work. the employers puts in a certain amount. If you want more coverage, you pay for it out of your own pocket.</p>
<p>We had a plan similar to momof3greatgirls. Told girls we would pay the state school cost of attendance. D1 attended a private school with full tuition scholarship thru grad school (6 year total). She had to borrow money her last year to pay room and board and books as our contribution was used up. Her loans are not as high as D2 who also is in a grad program but her scholarship was only for undergrad. We will be helping some with grad school since what we’ve paid out hasn’t yet equaled 4 years COA at state school. D3 is at state school with full tuition scholarship. We are paying all other costs for her through grad school and it still probably won’t equal 4 years COA. May help her with a car afterwards which will be appreciated since her careeer choice will be a low paying one.</p>
<p>We’ve always, always told our boys that “fair is not equal”. Their circumstances, their personalities, their desires and dreams always factor in to decision-making. S1 had the chance to travel in Europe. S2 will never be able to do that – so should we make S1 stay home? Of course that’s easy to say “of course not”, but college isn’t that different. You do what is appropriate at the time, with the best information you have, with the SAME goal : helping them become successful in life. Our children can’t expect better than that.</p>
<p>We are having a similar situation.
My older brother has just started at cambridge, paying maximum fees in the UK (£9000 year) He was in state education his whole life.
My two younger brothers are liekly to do very similar, I think my parents have agreed to pay their living costs and maybe a little more (this is very standard in the UK, everyone gets loans)
I, however, am intending to attend boarding school for 3 years and then a top college in the states. And although I may get some FA, fees will still be way over what my brothers are paying. Also its a lot harder and less standard to get loans.
So what do my parents do? Saddle me with 7 years of private education debt while my brothers have a small amount to pay per year once they are earning over a certain amount? Or do they pay my fees?
I guess the BS thing brings a whole lot more debate into it, why should I get private education while my brothers never had that option.
I think they should pay my fees, but you might say I’m a little biased :)</p>
<p>I’ve been in a very similar situation, albeit for somewhat different but irrelevant reasons. It’s the same though in that Kid #1 took the best possible choice at the time. </p>
<p>My answer was that if I possibly could, I would not put Kid #1 in the position of starting life in the hole with a pile of debt while Kids #2 and #3 had none. So after graduation I began making the monthly payments on #1’s student loans. I hope to be able to pay the whole thing off later this year when we sell our house.</p>
<p>I might have chosen differently if #1 chose a far more expensive school than we could afford, or didn’t work summers, or in some other way acted irresponsibly. But since #1 was equally responsible in actions and choice, it seemed incumbent upon us to insure she was in the same position after graduating as the other two.</p>
<p>And #1 has been working and saving ever since graduation.</p>
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<p>Should inflation (either general, or cost of attending a university) be accounted for when giving each child “the same amount” of money to help pay for the cost of attending a university?</p>
<p>It is entirely possible that two students four years apart going to the same university end up having to pay significantly different amounts (even in the absence of differences in neediness for financial aid or merit scholarships).</p>
<p>Another issue to consider is that costs for kids might differ simply based on how many siblings are in school at the same time (if the family’s income makes the students eligible for financial aid). If three siblings a year apart in age go to the state flagship school, the middle child’s cost of attendance for four years will probably be lower than that of either the oldest or youngest sibling, simply because the expected family contribution was always split across at least two children when the middle child was in college.</p>
<p>Timing can favor or penalize siblings, as well. If a lump sum is evenly split into three separate accounts and invested for three siblings when they are young, a younger sibling may have amassed much more in his/her account by the time he enters college – or, with a nod to the current economic issues, the amount may be vastly higher or lower when withdrawn by the siblings, based on market conditions.</p>
<p>Also, the siblings may have vastly differing income levels after graduation, which may make it quite easy (or extremely difficult) for one to pay off loans as opposed to the other.</p>
<p>I suggest waiting and seeing how things play out financially for both children, as well as for yourselves, and make a decision based on your ability (and theirs) to repay the debt.</p>
<p>I agree that kids have different needs. Some children are more expensive than others to raise due to special or individual needs. We try to give each of our children what they need without keeping a running total. That means that D1, a good student without any special needs, is at a state university and thriving. D2 has some special needs and could never survive a large university, and is likely headed for a small private LAC which will surely cost us more. That’s what she needs to succeed. Forcing D2 to go to a similar school at a similar price to her sister would be a great disservice to her and surely set her up for failure. D2 has always required more of our financial resources. That’s just the way it is.<br>
Even as adults, your children will still need your support in different ways–they may need to move home for a bit, or need to borrow money for a security deposit for an apartment, a down payment or your signature on a loan for a car, etc. One may get married and you will find yourself helping to pay for a wedding, while another may remain single. There is no way to know what lies ahead. No good can come from keeping track.</p>
<p>I think that the debt vs where the student chose to school has to be considered. The parents need to say–we can afford to pay x and after that, the edbt is yours.</p>
<p>Also, if the second student got “need based aid” because of the tuition the family was already paying for the first student, then perhaps the parents (if they can) might help a bit with the first student’s debt. The second student may not have gotten that need based aid had they been the first one off to college.</p>
<p>If two siblings have debt–then helping by percentage–a flat percentage–x % per student is fair…whether they have 10k in debt of 100k in debt…is fair.</p>
<p>I hope that both kids will graduate debt-free. But kid number 2 will cost us a lot more because of kid number 1’s scholarship. Kid number 1’s high school tuition was close to double that of kid number 2. And kid number 1 cost a fortune in lessons, camps, and other activities. I figure it’s a wash. We will do what we can for both.</p>
<p>I’ve never considered differing amounts of support to be unfair when kids choose different paths and I’m pretty sure that my kids don’t either. I’ve always told them that I’ll support each one in accordance with their needs and my budget and that’s my gift to them.</p>
<p>i agree with kinder… see what happens in a few years…and perhaps if they need some help with the loans…you will be there. dont beat yourself up over it…you were late to search…that stuff happens…( you might have had a great job back then and now with the 2nd be unemployed). My two are different…we borrowed money for the oldest, 2nd got free ride. I am paying the loans for the oldest… 2nd gets huge benefits by keeping his car, has travelled for 2 summers, gets a more generous allowance than 1st did, …they probably will end up costing the same (in starbucks alone with the 2nd). Financially we were able to assume 1st loans, but the loans for 2nd at some of the schools he was accepted to were impossible…its 8 years later and things are different. You are doing a great job…your kids get to go to college, and you are helping in anyway you can…what more can they ask :)</p>
<p>My S got very generous merit award & we paid the balance. For D (2 years younger), she graduated HS a year early (saving us $$ in private tuition) an attended CC, saving us college tuition before she transferred to join S at private U (the only U she applied to). We’re paying full freight for her, but fortunately we have the income and savings currently to do so. Used all the Coverdell funds on her education. Both will have no debt on graduation. S was given a very large gift from his aunt that covered all his personal expenses for all 4 years of college; D was not given anything similar. </p>
<p>We are not concerned that we are paying more out of pocket for her education than we paid out of pocket for S and neither kid seems to be concerned either. He has a good job. He does not need any financial assistance from us. She is going into a creative field and we have no idea what her job prospects will be, so we may need to help her some–we will all wait & see (she is a senior now).</p>
<p>My folks let each of us attend whatever grad school we could get into and later quietly paid the debt. This was very uneven, as one didn’t attend grad school, two of us got nearly full rides, one went to OOS public, several went to privates.</p>
<p>Daughter #1 went to a state school and took out private loans in addition to Stafford to cover all of tuition, room and board. Graduated two years ago with about $40K in loans and just started a $30K per year job. While she was subbing for two years we were paying $375/month toward her student loans; she’s paying about the same since the loans could not be consolidated. Her fiancee has a job interview tomorrow and if he gets the job we will discontinue the loan payments. Right now she’s supporting him, as his parents kicked him out of the nest when he graduated at the end of August.</p>
<p>Younger kid attends a school that costs 4 times what the state school did, but she has very generous financial aid. Loans covered the shortfall. Now that she’s a grad student sharing an apartment, she took out loans to cover all of her living expenses and refuses help from us. When she graduates in two years she’ll make over $70K/year so she’ll be in better position to repay her loans of about $60K. But I’ll insist on helping her out for the amount that we helped her sister, if we can handle it.</p>
<p>And then I’ll quit moonlighting!</p>
<p>*We’re trying to avoid this situation by offering kids the same amount of money per year for college and telling them “it is up to you how much debt you would like to assume”. </p>
<p>*</p>
<p>I agree with this.</p>
<p>there would be no incentive for kids to minimize debt (and look for merit) if parents were just going to soften the debt by paying for some/all of it later.</p>