Anyone ever been around this? We are good friends with wealthy parents of a pair of super smart twin girls. One is headed to an elite private, the other is headed to the state flagship. The elite private is over 2x the cost. Do rich parents offer the child staying in state a new car or anything like that to make up for it a bit?
Who knows? Every family is different. I’m sure the girls know they are fortunate to have wealthy parents who will probably help them out even after they graduate from college. My folks have done well and I tell them to spend their money however they wish! At times, they’ve helped out my sister when she’s gone through hard times, and they’ve helped me, too. We don’t keep score.
Did your previous money talk with them specify any limits, or what you would do with leftover money if they went under budget?
Some may suggest offering the leftover money for professional school if the student who chose the less expensive school does that.
I’m not sure how we will handle these kind of things with our kids - we have four kids and their various expenses will never be equal. My younger son is going to a different private h.s. than his older brother and it costs 1/3 more b/c he’s in a specialized program at the school for kids with learning disabilities. I’m pretty sure older son does not begrudge the higher tuition, not that he even knows, b/c for sure he’s not jealous of his brother’s learning disability. There is another thread floating around on the Cafe side about treating kids fair/equal when it comes to money. Boy, that was an eye opener.
I will say that dh and his brother both graduated from service academies so his parents did not have to pay for their education (not even the flights home since their father was an airline pilot so they flew for free). His older sister and other brother both went to expensive private colleges and his youngest sister went to a UC school (instate so reasonable). Dh’s parents gave both dh and his brother money to buy a car, I suppose as a good will gesture, since their choice in college meant the money saved for them was not needed.
Perhaps the girl going to the state school is planning to attend grad school, etc and the parents will pay for that as well? Like Maine said, every family is different in determining what they are willing to do for their kids. Maybe the one going to the elite school got a lot of scholarship/merit money.
I think that @MaineLonghorn is right, “Every family is different”.
We gave the kids a set budget. D1 will be within $2,000 one way or the other (probably over). We will come up with the missing $2k and she will graduate debt free. D2 will be under by a few tens of thousands. The money is in a 529, but is hers for graduate school or whatever else a 529 is allowed to be used for.
That was the case with me. One child went to a much more expensive school than the other. The decision was based on fit and academics, and that’s how it panned out. Neither child was especially perturbed by the difference.
BTW, we’re not “wealthy.” What does “wealth” have to do with it?
You don’t know what the net cost on the kids was, however. Did kid1 get merit? It often brings privates in line with publics.
I have two in college, one at a very expensive private, the other at an OOS public but costs less than most instate schools. I pay nothing for the very expensive private because of scholarships. The one at the public has more in loans than her sister.
I will try to pay some of the loans for each. Neither will be getting a car, grad school, or a fancy graduation present. Each got to go to the school she wanted and we consider that fair.
I think the end result is the same - both girls will receive an education. Since college these days is not one size fits all and if $$ was really no object, I’d say the field is equal, they both received a college education.
Not to say we are wealthy, but we generally pay attention to what we are spending on each child. D15’s right college fit was (and is) a financial stretch for us and we have let D15 know that once she is out of college the spigot turns off. S18 is looking at more affordable options, and we’ve expressed to him that the more affordable his college choice the more we will have available to help him with grad school. I can tell you though that each of my 3 kids pays very close attention to what we spend on each, and frequently bring it up when advocating for us to spend money on something for them.
I noted their wealth because they are full pay. They are paying sticker at both colleges. As for grad school, both are equally smart, I’d bet they both do grad program or professional school.
We are facing some of this with our twins, though the biggest challenge is that many desirable options (Georgetown, UChicago) are simply not affordable when we’d be paying for two at once. So we ruled out applying to a bunch of schools. Even then we are likely to end up with very different cost for each of them, if D18 chooses the school that’s offered her the full tuition scholarship. If she does then she can keep her college fund for graduate school or use it to make a downpayment on a house later on. Conversely if S18 ultimately has to choose between Berkeley and UVA, the relative cost (instate vs OOS) will be a big consideration.
Personally in our circumstances I think its best for them to both get the same amount because its certainly not the case that money is no object for us. Sure if we had millions of dollars so it wouldn’t make any difference which school they chose then I can see there’s no need to count it up, but when they already have to take cost into account in choosing which schools to apply to/attend, the consequences of that surely follow.
I know a family like this with twins. Full pay. One went to an elite private and the other to the very good in-state public. But that was the second kid’s choice. No plan to “make it up” to the in-state twin. Perhaps if they both go to grad school, the parents will help the second one more.
For us, the in-state kid did not have to take a loan and we promised a used car if he finished in 4 years, but he didn’t so that is off the table. The other two (one private with merit $$ and the other OOS public but at a less expensive one) took the Stafford loans and were expected to get minimal jobs after freshman year. Note that each chose the best option for them and the one that selected the in-state did so over other more pricey out of state options on his own.
The college money was virtually all from us, so I don’t think of it as “their money” Our goal was to give each kid a college education at an appropriate school within budget with minimal debt on their part. I would not offer that money as a down payment on a house if not used for college. I might gift them something later on, but given you never know what will happen in life, to me any leftovers (assuming we paid something for college) would go back to us (not them). If college was truly free, that might be a different story. If I coerced a kid into taking a free ride, then that would also be different.
I have seen different families take different approaches. State school child can take what would have been spent on private school and use it for grad school. Or for a house down payment (depending on the source of the funds). Other families have done nothing in terms of equalizing.
We weren’t “rich” but we had saved enough money, supplemented by some cash from the grandparents, to fully pay the costs for our two kids at any college. No loans. We left it to the kids to choose their colleges, with a lot of help from us, of course. The cost differences between UChicago and RISD were fairly modest – Chicago cost a few thousand more per year in tuition and fees, but the travel costs were much lower. We told the kids that if they wanted to go to graduate school, they’d need to get financial aid of some kind (fellowships, TA-ships, etc.), combined with loans.
The UChicago grad didn’t go to grad school, though he considered law school briefly. The RISD grad did go to grad school; after a few years in the economy she enrolled in MBA and MS programs. We were almost tapped out at that point, so she took federal direct loans to cover tuition costs while we paid her rent. By the time she finished her 3-years in grad school she had >$100K of loans to pay off. This was extremely burdensome to her. Fortunately, we ran into some money from our family (inheritance), and we were able to liquidate the large loans. We did ask the older one whether he expected a matching amount. He said “No.”
If you expect to leave a substantial inheritance to your children, and you’ve helped one more than the other for various reasons, it really is a good idea to account for that in your will. Even though the kid receiving less now may say it’s no problem, when you pass (many years hence!) you don’t want to have your children arguing over whose loan was paid off or who got a mortgage down payment. I don’t think that same logic necessarily applies to discrepancies in college payments though.
I don’t know what the rich do (my kids would probably all just stay in school forever, so probably good we’re not) but with 4 kids, everyone is being treated independently. Our kids span a wide age range, so we will be in different life positions with each one. We’ve always told them that it is never our goal to treat them fairly, just to treat them appropriately. In general, we are trying to get each one through a state school (they can take on loans if they choose a higher-cost option). No one gets a car if they save money on college, and they all seem fine with that.
Not a wealthy but maybe a harsh parent here. One kid has always been ungrateful and no matter what we did it wasn’t enough. So we helped her about half of tuition in a UC and she worked part-time and has about 40k loans after finishing college. We were hoping she would learn and then would help her with her loan. She hasn’t changed. Planning to stay at home and load off us and we had to push her out of the house to look for a job. 2nd child is the opposite, kind and hardworking and appreciative, so we are much more open to support him pursue his passion for dance and science. He understands the financial plans we have and is willing to compromise. Our support for the kids wouldn’t be equal, but it’s our money and we decide what and how much to support.
I could see reasoning about the discrepancy in institutional cost this way. By paying for college, we’re not giving money to our kids, we’re offering an education. If one child decided not to go to college at all, I would not give her 250K for whatever just because that’s what we’d spend on her sister’s education. As a parent, I feel that it’s my obligation is to pay for an education appropriate to that child’s ability and ambitions, to the best of my financial ability. I’m not obligated to provide money in general in equal shares to adult children for whatever purpose they want.
Also, many state flagships offer certain programs and an atmosphere that elite privates don’t. It’s completely within the realm of possibility that the state school is a better fit for one of the kids in all ways than an elite private would be. The fact that it has a lower sticker price is neither here nor there. There is no reason for one girl to feel resentful because her parents are “spending less” on her. She’s getting the education that meets her needs and wants.
I’ve given this some thought as our DD’17 is doing community college only and DD’19 will definitely do a 4 year. DD’17 chose an AAS in her desired field and won’t be transferring to a 4 year. She is paying for her rent and my plan is to cover tuition, but she has scholarships and cost is minimal.
DD’19 will likely be going to a reasonable cost small Midwest public and receive merit. But it will still cost more. After what I plan to contribute, her cost per year will be comparable to what DD’19 is paying per year in rent.
DD’17 did bring it up once whether I was going to contribute more to DD’19’s college. I didn’t answer because I don’t know what the situation will be yet but I’m sure I will; however, DD’17 is confident she is in the right place for her so I know she wouldn’t have chosen a more expensive school anyway. So, I’m going with they will each get an education and each had to put something into it so it’s fair.
I had thought about contributing more to DD’17’s wedding but due to their natures, DD’17 will be the one who wears my dress and keeps it simple; DD’19 will be the one wanting a grand affair (not that she’ll get it).