How to deal with HS student who lost self-motivation? Very bad end to school year

Parents Forum
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<p>My HS sophomore D seems to have undergone a big personality change during the last 6 months or so, and seems to have lost much of her self-motivation. Previously, she was always very self-motivated, and wanted to be kept very busy with activities. She is reasonably smart but not brilliant, and previously was an A- student because she worked hard.</p>

<p>We just saw her sophomore final grades, and the last marking period and final exam grades were a disaster . Final exam grades included 2 F's and a D. The final year grades weren't as much of a disaster, because of reasonable grades for the first 3 marking periods, but she dropped to a 3.3 UW GPA from a 3.6 UW GPA, despite having one fewer honors class because of a scheduling conflict, so her weighted GPA went down even more.</p>

<p>The last couple of weeks of the school year I got very frustrated with her because she didn't seem to be actually making much of any effort to study. She would claim to be working while alone in her room, but I doubted she was doing much of it, since she never came to get some help or review with me, which has usually been her habit. But I wasn't sure what to do, since I have wanted her to be more self-reliant and figure things out on her own more. Eventually I started doing spot checks and for example would find her sending Facebook messages on her laptop instead of working on the essay as she was supposed to be. I was very angry, but tried not to show it didn't overreact, and just tried to encourage her to be motivated for just a few more days until school ended. I would also disconnect the WiFi so she couldn't get to the Internet. I learned later that she then switched to text messaging on her phone instead of studying.</p>

<p>Over the last few months, we've had a LOT of conflict. She became very moody and sullen. She put less effort into school. The girl who used to LOVE going to dance class, started to refuse to go, despite being on the competition team. I hadn't wanted her to be on the competition team initially, because of the big time commitment on top of another time-consuming activity (horseback riding competition), but she eventually convinced me to let her try, the year earlier, so this was her 2nd year on the competition team. She was getting in trouble with the dance team director because of her poor attendance record. I threatened cancelling a planned dance competition in Florida in early July if she didn't go to class, which the director would have enforced soon anyway, and she did eventually did go back to dance class and limped through to the dance recital, which was several weeks before final exams. She never really explained what the problem was with dance, although I'm sure it was due in part to getting burnt out. </p>

<p>I'm not sure what to do about the bad grades, especially since they were clearly caused by lack of effort, rather than lack of ability. Any advice? Punishment or withholding of privileges? A severe talking to? Clearly there needs to be a cut-back on activities for next year. She will not be on the dance competition team, and at this point she doesn't know if she wants to take any dance classes at all next year. </p>

<p>This is unfamiliar territory for me. Her older brother has never been a particularly diligent student, but has more innate ability that allowed him to get reasonable but not great HS grades (3.5 UW) and outstanding standardized test scores without putting in very much effort. After a lot of battles during his sophomore year where I tried to get him to put in more effort, I backed off and he performed better when I interfered less. </p>

<p>I want D to have some consequences for her actions, but not sure what they should be. What should be done over the summer? And what should be done when school starts in the fall? I don't want to overly interfere in her schoolwork, as I want her to feel a sense of self-ownership. But neither can I just stand by and watch her get D's and F's.</p>

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<p>So sorry to hear of your situation. You are perhaps, being a bit too gentle with your daughter in regards to consequences. It seems from your story that she is using her study time for facebook, texting, and calling. You have every right to confiscate the phone during study time, or, for that matter, permanently until she raises her grades in the fall. </p>

<p>There is nothing wrong with “overreacting”! In fact, it seems your daughter knows life will be comfortable and happy even if she is lazy and failing. I’m sure this is not a lesson you want her to learn. You can express your disappointment firmly, explain that there will be consequences for her academic failures such as loss of phone, wi-fi, or going out to parties or social events. She will want to earn back her privileges once she has experienced their disapperance. </p>

<p>You will need to steel yourself to her rantings, but be strong and know you are doing her a favor to learn the world expects hard work from her. </p>

<p>For now, can she do summer school to retake the failing classes? If not, have her work, either a minimum wage job if she is 16, or do babysitting, dog-walking, grass-cutting, to earn mony to pay for her own phone, or for college savings. Or perhaps volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital. It seems it’s time for her to grow up and contribute to her future and the family. Best of luck.</p>

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<p>is she hanging out with a new group of friends? Any chance she’s getting into partying?</p>

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<p>

No classes were failed, in fact no final grades were lower than a B-, it was the final exams that were failed. The final exam counted for 10% of the final grade, and brought down grades that were better earlier in the school year.</p>

<p>The laziness is a recent phenomenon. There is no obvious cause. No new group of friends that I’m aware of. No partying, except for going to a number of Sweet 16 parties over the last few months, but those are always well-chaperoned. She’s at the same high school as last year, with the same group of students in her classes, same kids at her ECs, etc.</p>

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<p>“D seems to have undergone a big personality change during the last 6 months or so, and seems to have lost much of her self-motivation.”</p>

<p>Rather than move directly into ‘consequences,’ I’d be very worried if I saw a big personality change. Is this something you can talk about with her? It’s not about the grades or the dance competition - those are symptoms. It’s about the change in her, which is causing you concern. If she’s texting a lot, it sounds like there is someone new in her life - possible several. It could be a bullying situation. It could be a love interest. Whatever it is, perhaps if she understood your fear for her well-being, she could be more open. Then you could then discuss how to handle whatever it is in a way that doesn’t end up hurting her academically. Re dance competition, ECs come and go - she shouldn’t let her team-mates down, but that’s minor compared to the change you are seeing in her personality.</p>

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<p>When I was a sophomore something similar happened to me, I stopped doing any work for my classes and didn’t want to do anything, I started failing tests for the first time, etc. I don’t like to talk about it, but this sounds a lot like what I went through. I wasted so much time on the Internet and on other random things because nothing could really hold my interest. </p>

<p>My mom took me to counseling and they said I was slightly depressed, not clinically though, and I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Since then I’ve still been going to a counselor and I’ve learned a bunch of coping mechanisms and regained my focus. </p>

<p>Maybe you should try that for your daughter.
Especially if she always used to work really hard in school, the “slacking” was what alerted my mom because I used to love school. </p>

<p>I’m not saying that it would fix it or anything, but knowing and finding out how to deal with such a problem, if there is one, before high school is over would help in the long run.</p>

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<p>As a HS student, I’ve experienced the odd slump that usually occurred right after winter break, but then the norm is that I came back to full strength after a few weeks. What I forgot over the winter break is the exhilaration I felt when I was doing well in school, and the overall excitement from learning.
Is it possible that your daughter simply didn’t come back from her slump? Perhaps something happened that caused her to not care about school as much. It may sound terrible, but your daughter seems depressed. A lack of motivation? Loss of interest in former passions? If I were you I would (subtly) introduce her to someone she could talk to.
I’m sorry if my post was too blunt, but this is just my opinion.
I hope you find a great solution!</p>

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<p>If this were my kid, I’d get her to a therapist ASAP and have a physical checkup as well. She could just be going through standard teen stuff (but even then, a therapist can be very helpful) or there could be an emotional or medical problem you don’t know about. Oftentimes teens don’t confide in their parents, and oftentimes they don’t themselves know how to diagnose or solve their own problems. Just taking her to such appointments will communicate to her that you are taking the situation seriously. Hopefully you can get things sorted out over the summer.</p>

<p>One of my best friends years ago, a previously bright and cheerful girl, suddenly started doing horribly in school and acting incredibly moody. Her parents were very hard on her for being “lazy.” She turned out to have diabetes and did much better once she got treatment. Another friend started acting erratically in adolescence, but floundered for almost a decade until she finally was treated for bipolar disorder and got her act together. She ended up getting an MD.</p>

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<p>I agree that it’s probably a good idea if you can get her to talk to somebody: a therapist, a pastor, a counselor, a trustred relative (does she have any cousins that are close to her age, but have their act together who could help mentor). She may be having some kind of issues at school that you’re not aware of. Possibly being picked on by other girls or had some sort of romantic disappointment. Anyway, she may be able to talk about it more comfortably with someone more removed from her life than her parents.</p>

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<p>Somewhat O/T but gut response to OP:</p>

<p>You know, there are many reasons for changes like these in high school. There’s a long thread on CC entitled “Junioritis”. Will there be a “sophomoritis” thread next year? What does that imply to all we conventional-leaning parents?</p>

<p>Part of me wonders if some kids are burning out earlier than expected due to this crazed change of “learning for the point of learning” to heavy piling on every advanced course possible, taking all national tests needed and then playing your body out in sports or hours on other EC’s as a means for dramatic entrance to college. Part of me wonders if because, in spite of us thinking they don’t, they hear and read the same home front economic news as we do, and are purposefully taking it slower, reflecting, not jumping on the Band Wagon, rather, stepping back to see what the future unveils. Criticize this or not, if the jobs aren’t at the end for the $$ college gravy train, you’re going to have to be a self made woman or man to survive.</p>

<p>Part of me wonders if this generation (I don’t know what it’s called, maybe Generation X-Y-Z) is just fundamentally different due to a compendium of social change during their years, and will show a completely new adult life style forced in part by self-made business, intertwined with hand held gadgetry networking. Don’t know.</p>

<p>Yes, they, often in home isolation, heavily network through WIFI: phones,computers, pads, soon it will be something smaller and better and faster but all providing instantaneous feedback, often gratifying in a different way, and seemingly activating a different part of our homo sapian’s brain. Is this evolution in action? Don’t know. When asked for an explanation, I am more than assured “most teens live like this, mom”, even pushing the group moral envelope, as my generation views it. more than the just the prior generation. Through their dress, their language to their social interactons. Read any commentary or calls lately for an end of the War on Drugs as we know it due to it’s failure and huge expense? What does this generation think on this? Don’t know, but I hear them repetitively say alcohol leads to more deaths than the pot (oops) and are amazed how our generation judges other more than alcohol.</p>

<p>I’m no social demographer, analyst or such, but this so wired, so groupy-like generation seems to push off conventional learning much more than I’ve ever seen; at least some do. For years they study in groups in those AP courses. What we use to do independently they often do at Panara’s as a wired group table or passing the papers each doing a certain part to get it done. Especially in US History. I’ve looked at that AP US History syllabus, and it’s fine to say this generation doesn’t know enough history, but not fine to have a syllabus like that! Alternatively, My friends kid gets straight A’s through on-line high school learning and got straight F’s in conventional public high school. What does that say? They like self controlled learning more than being talked at in a formal social setting? </p>

<p>I don’t know what this all means, but to me, something is brewing with this generation which we don’t yet understand. Stimulus::Response. But different. </p>

<p>I know this waxes philosophical but give your daughter some time and space. She may be doing some heady thinking on which path to take to her future. :)</p>

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<p>I would rule out anything physiological or psychological first since this is such a big change. My middle son, a type 1 diabetic, had major changes in the year before he was diagnosed. He also suffers from depression as do about 25% of diabetics. I’m not saying in any way your dd’s diabetic. I’m just saying rule out some obvious stuff while dealing with behavior.</p>

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<p>This is an age when a lot of teens struggle and change quite a bit. With girls, there is often a lot of depression. I would find a good therapist and have an evaluation. My own daughter had a very difficult sophomore year- lots of (imagined) social issues. Her grades remained good, but she was miserable and was pretty unbearable at home. It was really quite serious of a problem. The issues were very different from those of my son (my Wild Child), but just as frightening. I would not be too quick to rule out any drug use or change in friends. Those well-chaperoned parties are deceptive. You would not believe what goes on at them.</p>

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<p>I second the notion of a complete physical and mental work up. Not only diabetes but thyroid and ADD should be considered. </p>

<p>We are just learning that S has some hugely significant “executive function” shortfalls – which can be addressed through meds, therapy and exercise. It can be so hard to watch them struggle and fail — and then to find out it is a medical deal can be such a relief. </p>

<p>You might also consider if anything major happened six months ago. Many kids are resiliant – but sometimes a broken heart, a public embarassment, or a closed door can put a person into a tailspin for awhile. </p>

<p>Lastly, include an eye exam. Sometimes eyes change a tremendous amount at ages 13 to 15. The kid who never needed lenses suddenly can’t see the side of the barn – and may not even realize how bad she’s gotten or how hard her eyes are straining until the correct lenses are brought into play and there is immediate relief.</p>

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<p>Thanks to everyone for the feedback.</p>

<p>My husband and I have wondered if there was some traumatic event that led to the problems, but if there was, she isn’t sharing it. I’ve tried to get her to open up, but without any success. </p>

<p>She hasn’t lost motivation about everything - just school and dance. She’s just as motivated as ever about her horseback riding competitions, perhaps even more so. Happy to spend time with friends (none of whom I have any particular reason to be worried about). So, it doesn’t seem like depression to me, because it is so selective. It seems to me more like changing interests as she gets older, and burn out, and perhaps some personal problem with someone at dance, although she denies that. I have considered taking her to see a therapist however. The suggestions to get a medical checkup make good sense. She’s not due for her annual checkup for a few months, but no reason why it can’t be moved up - it is easier to schedule in the summer anyway.</p>

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<p>Texting and being on the internet are very habit forming (ask any CC addict). Some kids just can’t resist the pull of them, even when they know they should be doing homework.</p>

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<p>So sorry you’re dealing with this sacchi. </p>

<p>Is it possible she just ran out of steam? There’s so much stress to do well and it’s hard to stay motivated. Some kids, like my DS2, had trouble conjuring up the energy to finish strong. While my son didn’t fail exams, he struggled to change his studying habits in hs when his innate abilities no longer were enough to pass the tests. </p>

<p>It could also be her test taking skills. This is important b/c in college grades are only determined by a midterm and a final. If this is the cause, I strongly advise you have her work with tutors and focus on her test taking skills. Then, when she’s in college, she may need to again set up a tutoring system to help her with her tests.</p>

<p>My guess is this problem is her distraction of the internet: FB, and texting. The only real way to counter that is her own self motivation to turn those off. Sure a therapist could help, but that’s 1x a week. She needs to know how to turn it off every night.</p>

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<p>I am sorry if I havent read everyone’s responses thoroughly, but it is possible that she is depressed (in a non-clinical sense) that she is reaching the point where hard work is not enough. I am keying in on what you say that she used to work hard and rely on reviewing with you. I have to question that she has realized she can not meet your expectations. As the work gets harder, she may not be able to get by on hard work and your help. Have you spoken to her GC – what are reasonable expectations?</p>

<p>My D had one friend who relied alot on her mom. It was a disaster when the kid went to college.</p>

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<p>This sounds verymuch like several young people I’ve seen who eventually were diagnosed with clinical depression. In all the cases I’m familiar with it, their involvement in life did not just disappear at once, but started in one or two facets (the most stressful) and g ew from there to general overall withdrawal and motivation for things that one once had interest in. It starts with one or two aspects of life and grows from there. I want to echo what others have suggested which is first rule out physical reasons for what might look like depression then seek a psych evaluation. It is treatable, but better earlier than later.</p>

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<p>Have her go to a psychologist–with loss of interest in school and other extracurricular activities she was involved in and enjoyed, it could sound like your daughter has depression. I strongly recommend having her talk to someone–one of my best friends has depression, and she started out by quitting her extracurriculars and dropping many classes.</p>

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<p>Sometimes girls behave like this when they start to have boy interest. Before the Internet and texting, we used to stay on the phone with our gf to discuss strategy or any sighting of the boy, but of course it was much easier for our parents to monitor length of our phone calls back then. </p>

<p>I would look at D’s cell record to see how often she is texting, and who is she texting. Sometimes kids have no self control, especially when a feeling or a situation is new. When D1 first went off to college, I found out she was texting excessively late into the night. Turn out a lot of her friends were consulting her about BF problems at wee hours (fight with BF after a date, party). I ended up by using the ATT parental control feature in turning her phone off between 12-7 am. It lasted for only few days, just long enough to get my message through. </p>

<p>We all want our kids to take control of their own life with as little parental involvement as possible, but it only comes about with parent’s initial guidance and setting ground rules, and some kids just take a bit longer to reach that maturity. OP’s D maybe getting a lot peer pressure to be more popular, new boy interest, or any of teenage issues, and she is not exercising any self control now. </p>

<p>I would help the D to come up with a productive summer schedule, it may include getting tutored or studying again for those failed finals, and limit her usage of the Internet or texting (reasonable number). </p>

<p>For 3 years, D1 was asked to tutor a high school girl right before her finals. This girl’s grade would go up for every class and her mother thought D1 was a genius. All D1 did was to sit with her to make sure she didn’t waste time on FB or texting, and helped her with organizing class notes.</p>