<p>My daughter, a very bright, driven 18 year old got into 8 of the 10 schools she applied to. Her top pick Stanford she was waitlisted for. She got into another school that she was reasonably happy to get into..another ivy, however when she visited...she wasn't as enamored as she expected to be and we feel she is forcing herself to like something because of what it is, the reputation of the school and because she knows that its a "good school" that will help her achieve what she wants to achieve. I don't know that she is following her heart and I am concerned that she is forcing herself into a situation.
How do you as a parent know when and how to discern how much force and influence to use in a situaiton where you see fairly clearly that your adult child is potentially embarking on a mistake? I see its not in her heart. It is really bothering me and there ARE other choices. Our first daughter on the other had a very specific interest and a school in mind, she got in, that was that and it was all easy and straightforward, also our eldest son same thing, had his heart set on a school, got in attended...easy...... second daughter, though highly intelligent and driven...everything is much more dramatic and there is always a lot more trials and tribulations with what she does.
So now its crunch time and we are very concerned about her decision making or lack of. Any advice when you aren't sure about the decision your child is making?</p>
<p>I’d do the classic “pro-con” chart to help her see rationally what the issues are. I gather you are saying there is a 3rd very good choice besides Stanford waitlist and the Ivy.</p>
<p>There’s still time to visit the other schools she got into - even if it’s for a second time. She should try and narrow it down to three choices and focus on those three. Visit, email a professor in her field of interest and possibly attend a class. As can be seen by lots of threads here on CC, an ivy is not the end all. Lots of students attend second and third tier schools and are very happy and successful. </p>
<p>But to answer your question - I believe when talking to your kids about college choices, you should always be honest and open. Tell her your concerns - offer advice - but in the end be supportive of whatever decision she makes.</p>
<p>Have you spoken with her about this? Perhaps she is concerned about ‘letting you down’ by not having been accepted at Stanford, and not wanting the Ivy. Perhaps all she needs is to hear you say that it’s ok with you if she attends School #3</p>
<p>This will probably sound silly and simplistic but… Here is a Grook (poem) about making hard decisions. Perhaps you can sit down calmly with your daughter, discuss your concern, and suggest she spins the penny and see what school she says…</p>
<p>A PSYCHOLOGICAL TIP
Whenever you’re called on to make up your mind,
and you’re hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you’ll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.
No – not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you’re passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you’re hoping.</p>
<p>I saw one poster recommend waking up one day having already made the decision for school A, informing friends, writing the payment for housing, etc. Then do it for school B the next day, then school C. See which one seems to fit. It might work if you are good at visualization.</p>
<p>If Stanford was her first choice, I can’t think of any Ivy which is similar to Stanford (location, size, weather…) outside of academic. I am assuming she is choosing based on ranking and Ivy is the closes in ranking. Based on her acceptance, I can’t imagine her other schools would be that weak academically, so she probably would do well at any of those schools. I would get her to tell you about her reservation about the Ivy, and see if there is any school on her list that maybe closer to what she is looking for.</p>
<p>If she is waitlisted at Stanford, I would think that other schools would be just as good for her. Depending on the intended major of study, the other school may be better. I can’t comment further without further details…</p>
<p>Maybe she is just disappointed right now that the other school isn’t Stanford (especially since she is waitlisted), so she can’t be enthusiastic about her other choice and it is easy to feel that it isn’t a good fit (because it’s not as good a fit as Stanford!)</p>
<p>That doesn’t mean she won’t grow into it.</p>
<p>There are hundreds of schools that can help your d. get where she wants to go, where she will grow and flourish. Going to a school because it happens to be a member of a sports conference is not a particularly good reason.</p>
<p>And, depending on where she/you live, don’t believe that an Ivy education will punch her ticket. Where I live, Ivy students never return to their home community, so they have virtually no track record in employment. They have very weak alumni networks here, and the number of people who would even know what, for example, Dartmouth or Brown are is very minimal. I have served on hiring committees where we have had Ivy applicants. We’ll pay a ten-second nod to it, and then ask what they can do for us. For the last three jobs for which we have hired where there was an Ivy applicant, we hired one who did their undergrad at UC-Irvine, one from Western Washington University, and one from the University of Oklahoma.</p>
<p>As her mother, did it seem like her reaction to the visit was due to the specifics of the school? I’m wondering if this kid who has always been “much more dramatic” is still thinking about the waitlist instead of her many great options.</p>
<p>“Thriving” in college has as much to do with the academic stimulation as it does with the rest of the time when you aren’t in the classroom for some kids. I personally believe if someone is unhappy or miserable or depressed it will impact their engagement in the academic environment. That said there are those kids that seem to be able to plow forward no matter where they land…I just don’t know many of those types of kids. You know your daughter best OP listen to the little voice in your head.</p>
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<p>That might be true for Olympia but it certainly isn’t in the Seattle/Redmond area.</p>
<p>Kids choose schools for all kinds of wrong reasons and wind up happy–even those who had bad visit experiences. It’s hard for me to believe that attending whatever Ivy this is will be a “mistake” once she gets there and settles in. There is seldom a single “right” school for a kid. </p>
<p>I would certainly assure her that she doesn’t need to go to an Ivy to be happy and successful, but I’d also let her make the choice and then support her with whatever she chooses.</p>
<p>“That might be true for Olympia but it certainly isn’t in the Seattle/Redmond area.”</p>
<p>Fair enough - compare with BYU’s networks. (or even Whitman’s). Just not very strong.</p>
<p>Even the Williams/Amherst people get together for the football game every fall (there aren’t enough of either to support the event themselves). </p>
<p>I doubt one person in 20 can name the states Brown and Dartmouth are in. (The law schools, etc. have better networks.)</p>
<p>qialah, correct there is no one single right school but there are certainly “wrong schools” for some kids. Some will power through a wrong school but it can certainly be an unhappy four years. Someone like the OP’s D probably has several excellent choices so why not let the D make a decision where she wants to spend 4 years of her life? Much more difficult for kids that don’t have multiple good choices. And yes, as hard as it is to believe regional networks are alive and well and the kids have to deal with that after college.</p>
<p>Did she LOVE any of the choices she now has, visiting them after she did not get into Stanford? Maybe the degree of discomfort she expressed with the IVY is less a matter of a true mis-fit, and more a result of her more dramatic reaction style… </p>
<p>For what it is worth, and every kid is different, our son chose the Ivy 6 years ago over what I thought was the best fit. He listened to his dad (who had visited no schools and never read CC) who suggested that since he didn’t get into the first choice, he should make this choice- as likely to present similar opportunities. My son had a miserable first semester, but we focused on cultivating a more optimistic attitude … and he ended up having the best 3 1/2 years of school of anyone I know, and got into great law schools to boot (choosing one far from the Ivy). Once he made the choice, it was our job to support him.</p>
<p>Usually it’s the parent who makes this push–I’ve been guilty of that with older kids, not that it made any difference in their decisions. So I am impressed that you see this and are advocating for her to follow her heart. </p>
<p>Having said that, it is really a problem when a child makes any decision for any reason that you feel is not the best one for him/her, and getting the child to see this is often impossible. Reasonable or not, it’s tough to do.</p>
<p>My friend’s daughter felt she had to go to the Ivy and was so unhappy there she transferred after only one semester. The school begged her to reconsider (she was doing fine academically) but she was sure she wanted to leave. Transferred into one of our state flagships and has loved it since the minute she got there. People ask her mom how she could let her transfer and she just answers that her daughters happiness is more important to her than a degree from an Ivy.</p>
<p>The decision-making can be tough, there can be good and not-so-good processes, and in the end a million other factors will influence a student’s experience. I like the good points in this discussion. Stay strong, Mom.</p>
<p>OP, maybe have your daughter try this tool:</p>
<p>[CollegePick</a> - Define colleges](<a href=“http://www.collegepick.us/]CollegePick”>http://www.collegepick.us/)</p>
<p>It sounds to me like she’s placing far too much emphasis on the “Ivy” name. Fit is so much more relevant, and maybe when she weighs all of the important attributes in her choices, she might clearly see that the name of the school is not nearly as big as other things.</p>