My daughter is really struggling in finding “the school”. There are bits and pieces of all the schools she likes but no one school is really “wowing her” and I wonder if that even happens. She applied to eleven (probably to many ) because she was afraid of not getting in. High school started rocky but she really pulled it together junior and senior year and always took a pretty solid course load. That said she is what I call a solid B student and pretty well rounded but not over the top. Her fair share of volunteer and service work and varsity sports player. She is young in the grade with a late August birthday and I have raised her myself no father ever and I think a bit sheltered. She would disagree I am sure but she is not that worldly and has never been away from home for any extended period of time. She got into University of Scranton, Belmont University in TN, Roger Williams, Westfield state, Stony Brook, Quinnipiac . Was bumped to RD for UDel and UMass Amherst and is waiting to hear from Providence and Loyola. I make a good income (according to fafsa) so no big money coming and being a B student got no merit scholarships. I am have parental anxiety over some of the posts about how unhappy parents and students are at some of these schools. How do you know what is the truth? We should be celebrating her acceptances but its caused so much stress and confusion. Of course money matters but we won’t know what the finanicial aid picture will be until March. I am worried about her being a plane ride away since she has not really been away from home but when I bring it up she thinks its a non issue…until she calls crying! Kind of rambling here but any thoughts approciated.
If all else is equal, let her go to some of the admitted students days so that she can see the school from the perspective of actually attending - not just as a choice to apply to. Unless there is something else that factors into what school she chooses (finances, distance, etc), then let her go to the one that she “feels” the most.
Also mom, a piece of advice from another mom - as in life, there are no guarantees. So, if you do all of the above, she can still possibly go somewhere next year and hate it. And yes, you will then be on CC bemoaning that. However, if you look at the posts, most of the kids settle where they are after an initial rough period (mine was one). Those that don’t, after some angst, usually find themselves somewhere else and happy. There are, of course, a few kids where there are serious problems. But they are few and far between. Don’t let a few horror stories make you afraid. They are NOT the norm.
We have all been there. It will be fine.
Focus in on the couple major things first to narrow it down. Does she like a big bustling campus or a smaller quiet type. After visiting a few, she should be able to have a feel for that. At a bigger school you may be “fighting” more for things you need or to stand out, is she the type that can do that, or perhaps the growth in doing that would be good? Next, does she really want to get in a plane to come home or does she/you want to be able to drive back and forth? And what about mom, can you handle the flying in terms of stress (if any) on you and expense? After answering those, see what is on the list. I also found visiting a school a second time we were both able to see it in a completely different light than the first visit, which is almost too much to take in, even for a veteran at this stuff. The one that is now a favorite of mine (which I don’t say out loud) I didn’t care for the first time.
Last, but most important, do what is right for her and you. Don’t get hung up on what others are doing, this road is hers to take. If being closer to home is better, then do that. If being away is not a big deal and you both like that option, do that. But make it your decision, keep peer pressure out cause those peers are gone in a few months at their own schools.
Thanks. She is going to an overnight at Scranton and will sit in on a class etc. We are traveling to TN to see Belmont. I think she is just a bit caught up with the idea of “Nashville” but I am willing to look. A lot of these visit days seem like PR though with everyone putting on the best show. I am not a prude I know she will most likely be at a party or two…or three but I want to avoid a school that is really known as a party campus . Your right though I am probably projecting my own anxiety!!!
What she says and what I have observed the last 17 years are a little different!! I can’t see the whole plane, train thing myself no…she says she won’t want to come home much…very hard for me to believe based on history but maybe this is the time to push herself. Its a lot of money and I just want to put in the best place but I know it won’t be the end of the earth if she doesn’t like it.
I also have a dd with a late August birthday and absent father. She too is very anxious about the whole process, but she has time because she is a junior. Although she is not terribly enthusiastic, I’m insisting that she do a university summer program this summer, so that she can get more comfortable with the ideas that 1) living away from home will be fun and 2) she is just as smart as the other students and will do well at university and 3) this particular university is or is not a place where she would like to spend 4 years of her life. She has or will have applied to 3 programs of varying competitiveness including one that is non-competitive so as long as we get her application in when they open up, she will be assured to get in.
Do the colleges and universities that where your daughter has been accepted to have any admitted students days or weekends that she can attend? Even if she goes to one that she ends up not attending in the fall, she will at least have had the experience of sleeping away at college and it won’t be so overwhelming when she leaves in the fall. She will also be able to clarify what is important for her to have in her college experience. It’s kind of like test driving a car - even if you just test drive a minivan and hate it - at least you know better what you want and what you don’t want.
Both D and I are also afraid of making a wrong choice. If $$ wasn’t an issue and we were paying full price, she would be able to transfer if unhappy (after giving it a full year). If for whatever reason the choice she ultimately makes doesn’t work out for whatever reason she knows she’ll be going to a state school, the only financial alternative without merit aid, which if I understand correctly is minimal for transfers. Another reason we’ve both done everything we can to learn as much as possible about all the schools she has applied to. Once financial packages come out, hopefully she’ll have a few affordable choices and she will then revisit and do sleepovers or whatever the schools offer to help make that final decision.
Know that you are not alone and virtually everyone with a senior is overwhelmed at this point, except for those early action types that got into their one and only dream school with a full ride or that mom/dad can afford, which is a small subset of society. The confusion is part of the process. Between now and May 1st life is frenzied. It can be exciting or stressful, a lot of that is the attitude you have toward it (and transfer to your daughter). I do think this is a fun and exciting time but there are certainly times I have to remind myself of that. 
It will all work itself out in the next several weeks, enjoy the visits with her (even if the tours themselves can be dull after awhile).
Although some of the schools put on the ‘happy face’ for the big PR days, I think you can really tell. One daughter goes to a big school but they have been so nice and handled any issues without fuss. We got to orientation and my daughter didn’t have her vaccination records. I mentioned to the admissions director that, although they sent the reminder, my daughter didn’t receive it until we were on the plane, heading to the orientation and a little more notice would have been useful. She immediately started making calls and found that the record was part of daughter’s high school transcript so the admissions office sent it over to the health office. Problem solved. She’d made several other suggestions (call high school but it was closed for the summer; call doctor but we didn’t have one) too. They really tried to help.
My other daughter goes to a school where everyone is very nice, but I find infuriating as each person has one sub-specialty and no one seems to be able to think outside his box. Financial aid person can only do FA, not merit, not prepaid tuition, not state aid, not Bright Futures. A housing person cannot answer a scheduling question. No one could answer why my daughter had two admission files. All very nice, just not all that helpful unless you hit the exact right person for your issue.
I do think your daughter will have a feeling about one school as the spring goes on. It could be a little thing (weather) or a big thing (connecting with a prof she wants to work with). It might be finances, such that a more expensive school just isn’t worth it to her. You still have a few months.
I don’t think there is a perfect college experience any more than there is a perfect high school experience. She will likely have good times and bad times no matter where she goes, and find some things easy and some things difficult and more challenging. Having realistic expectations will go a long way toward her satisfaction at any university.
My daughter chose her high school because it had the best combination of offerings – it wasn’t the best at any one thing, but the combination overall met more of her needs than the other high schools we looked at. We are approaching the college decision the same way (and keeping our fingers crossed hoping it works).
Since you have some very different types of universities on your list, varying in size, religious affiliation and location, it really is a good idea to visit the top contenders as you are doing. For example, Stony Brook and Belmont are as different as Nashville and NYC/Long Island. What is she looking for in each place, and what does she like or dislike about these options? Perhaps some lists comparing the options would help. We had visited enough schools before applying that my DD knew she wanted a larger university where it snows, and there were certain majors she was looking for and extracurricular activities, but beyond that it really does get difficult to make the final choice, and for us finances will be the trump card that helps us resolve our indecision.
Personally, I would prefer that my daughter fly to a university, because I don’t want her driving on the Interstate to visit, nor do I want to always be driving where she is to retrieve her. Statistically there are more car wrecks than airplane disasters. A flight seems much simpler for us, but we live next to a major airport and she has lots of flying experience so it works for us. I would keep an open mind.
I think back to when I was in college – no cell phone, no texting, no email, no Skype, and only snail mail and expensive long-distance calls to keep up with my parents back home. I survived, and so did my parents. Nowadays even if our kids are halfway across the planet we can be in constant contact with them 24/7/365, and even see them on Skype, and share photos and videos instantly. Distance isn’t what it used to be, so think of all the ways you can be “close” to each other no matter how far away she goes to college.
Even early action types with their one and only dream school can have anxiety. As yes, there is anxiety even when mom and dad have resources. My D’s whole life revolved around going to my alma mater. She had been going to reunions with me since she was a baby. Though she had a good list of reaches, safeties and matches, it was really her one and only choice. Once she got in (which was not a guarantee by any means), we both had to determine if it was actually the right place for her now that it was more than a dream.
We went over the long weekend in February and I stayed in the hotel and let her navigate the school on her own. She had contacted some people she knew ahead of time. If that is not an option, ask admissions for a student host. Then, let her go about her way while you stay close by in the hotel for moral support. Doing this, my D was able to see what the school was like under normal, day to day, times. Much different than admitted students days, etc.
If you can afford this option, then I would go this route, at least for the top two or three.
Good luck.
I think you guys mean early “decision” types, not early “action” types. EA is non-binding, so there is no reason not to apply early, there is no financial penalty/risk in doing so.
Have you considered sending your daughter to look at Belmont and/or other schools by herself? It may be a good idea to let her feel independent. It may put a better spin on whether she’ll like it. After all, she will be going away alone. Just a baby step for both of you. Might ease anxiety all around.
@intparent - which post are you referring to? I definitely know the difference and I don’t think the OP would have posted if her D had applied ED. She has a long list of schools she has applied to. No mention of an ED school. I stand by my comments.
@intparent - Of the schools I know on the OPs list, they are all rolling or EA so I think the OP is referring to early acceptances, not ED.
I’d say to try and relax now and celebrate her successes. Talk to your D and let her know when all the acceptances are in and finances are sorted out that you will work together to made the best possible decision…
We did a variation of post #12. When traveling to admitted student events, we had our kids do all the navigating through airports, shuttles, metro stations. We just tagged along behind. I even knowingly followed one onto a DC metro going in the wrong direction to see how he would handle it-he figured it out! It gave the student a taste of what it would be like to travel to the schools and it gave us parents confidence in their ability to travel alone.
We wanted our kids to know what traveling a distance to school would entail, but we also did not want to have a 200k+ decision be based solely on the observations of a wide-eyed 17 year old. The final decision was the kid’s provided the parents did not see any glaring red flags.
The best thing you can tell your D is that there is no perfect school. She is not looking for THE school, but rather A school where she can receive a great education and be happy. Good luck.
To send her alone to Nashville and a hotel and all is a bit much for her first real travel experience. If she could have Istayed in the dorm maybe. Also, I have never seen the school and can’t afford to be flying multiple times before she is even there so going together makes sense. She does seem to be “getting it” about the cost because she is leaving some of the lesser appealing schools on her consideration list in case cost does become a big issue. And I lost track on the EA vs ED convo but she went early action…non binding.
Travhan - Reassure her that there is no one perfect school for her - there are many great schools which are perfect for her. She only needs to pick one of those. Surely, there are some that are not good fits, but she will figure them out. She is not looking for a needle in a haystack. There are many, many correct answers. She will be very happy next fall. She just has to stay calm and keep it real between now and then. All the best.
Actually, most kids would do just fine at a wide variety of colleges.
What your kid really needs to worry about is choosing the right major.
I’m only half kidding. Often, I feel that students give far more attention to choosing a college than to choosing what they will study when they get there. Yet the latter is probably the more important decision.
Your daughter sounds like a year-older version of my son.
He knows he wants to go away. He knows what he wants to major in. He’s really brought his grades up this year, to a high B from a high C at the end of Sophomore year.
We’re a dual income family, but we also have 2 younger daughters coming along. Finances are a HUGE part of the equation.
So as it turns out, I’m doing most of the preliminary searching for schools.
Here’s my process, for better or worse:
I’ve narrowed down the list to a set of about a dozen schools. All are within reach of his PSAT scores, really the only measure I have right now. Over the coming months, we’ll visit each of those schools. At the end of each visit, I sit at the computer and write down everything in my notes, along with anything he’s said in the car on the ride hom.
Traveling distance is another huge part of the equation. We live on Long Island; I figure that as long as you’ve crossed a bridge, you’re “away.” I want him to be able to get home for Thanksgiving, for his sister’s Confirmation, and in the event that something happens to my 84 year old mom in the next 5 years. And I want us to be able to get there for Parents Weekend, and in the event that he needs us for some reason. Geography matters in this decision, so I’ve set a ballpark 200 mile radius (though one SUNY school that carries his major is 330 miles apart… he may apply there just in case it turns out to be the best choice.) I’ve taught too many kids who went FAR away from school, and transferred closer to home once they realized how isolating FAR can be.
We’ve visited 2 schools so far, with a third on the agenda for this Friday. (I’m off, so I’m pulling him out of school for the first time ever.) He LOVED the first. He liked the second, and could see himself there, but preferred the first. OK, great, I know that a school of 8,000 kids is pretty much his upper limit. In talking with his cousin over Christmas, we decided that he wants to go north, not south (She’s a freshman at Clemson.)
Visiting the schools, as much as he doesn’t love it (he HATES shopping, and these trips are glorified shopping excursions) seems to be the best way for him to decide what he wants.
At the end of the day, we’ll have a general list of top choices and bottom choices. Then, once we get a real financial picture, I suspect we’ll have a good idea of where he should go.
Has she spoken to her guidance counselor? Could he or she put your daughter in touch with any alumni from her school who are currently attending the schools she’s considering?(Incredibly easy to pull up on his/her Naviance account.) Even their Facebook pages might give her a clearer idea of how people from a similar background are doing in each school’s environment.
As to the posts about unhappy parents and kids: know that this is kind of like reading movie reviews. Sure, you can learn a lot about the general plot and that will help steer you towards some choices and away from others. But once you get past those basics, your gut is the best measure. Someone else’s opinions are just their opinions; they don’t take precedence over yours or your daughters.