How to help my autistic daughter communicate better with admissions and faculty during visits, etc.

Parents Forum Learning Differences and Challenges - LD, ADHD
1

I’m making myself more and more worried with this, so any advice or just “it’ll be okay” would be helpful.

My hs junior D is autistic and has made amazing progress overcoming pretty serious developmental delays. Academically she really shines now, but socially and emotionally she still struggles. She’s been in very supportive school situations since pre-school. Since mid-elementary school she’s almost always been very engaged with her teachers (and support staff) and had good relationships.

Going on a spring break college visit tour brought me to the reality that she now has to communicate with various admissions personnel and professors who don’t know her or know anything about her. For example, when she was a hs freshman, I gave a letter to each of her teachers to introduce her. Now I can’t do that anymore and of course I shouldn’t!

Just a few examples: When making appointments for admission events or asking questions at sessions, she speaks very slowly, quite noticeably so. This is not the case once she is taking a class or gets to know someone a bit better. But first impressions are hard to overcome. She had one interview that went great and I could see why when I went in and met the AO. He was one of those people who is great at putting people at ease. But then another interview and a meeting with a professor did not go so well.

Even emails are challenging. Typically of autistic kids, she tends to be terse in her communications and when I read her emails before she sends them, they can come off a little impersonal and cold. And of course she gets frustrated when I tell her to “just be a little friendlier” (and I’m silly to think that would help!)

Even her handwriting is working against her. It is truly atrocious. One of the schools we visited had to email to get her info again because they couldn’t read it.

I’m just so used to having her in these supportive environments where the teachers know how incredibly far she has come and where she has wonderful relationships with them. I just want these college folks to see the same smart, wonderful, motivated, hard-working girl that I see!

Again, I’m just stepping deeper into worry that she’ll miss opportunities due to hurried but inaccurate first impressions. And I’m not even sure I’m putting the problem across properly, but there must be a few people who know what I mean!

2

I know what you mean. Although my son does okay talking in these situations, they make him hugely anxious. I’d see him shrinking down in his seat in information sessions and looking away to avoid having any attention drawn to himself.

You’re aware that the interviews aren’t required for most colleges, and therefore have no effect on admission chances? There is no need to put your daughter through them, unless she wants to do it.

The one college to which my son applied that requires an interview (can be by telephone), my son emailed back the admissions counselor and told the truth - he gets very nervous in these things and doesn’t feel he presents himself well - and was allowed to submit written answers to her questions (and was accepted at that college).

Coaching on emails - my son often showed me his emails first and asked is this okay. I’d make suggestions that he mostly ignored. I wouldn’t worry about a terse tone too much, these adcoms get thousands of emails. Brief and to the point is probably fine.

3

Hopefully other parents with experience in assessing specific accommodations can chime in with helpful suggestions, but I would consider taking this as an opportunity to hone in on schools that will support your daughter and provide an environment where she will flourish and reach her full potential. A smaller school that reaches out and takes the time to make her comfortable in these situations may be a way to distinguish a “good fit” for her.

4

^ There are two schools of thought on that. Small LACs often have mainly or all small, seminar-type classes. These can be an opportunity for growth or a major source of anxiety, as not participating is not an option. Larger universities may have more resources devoted to support systems (RIT is a good example - fantastic Spectrum Support program), as well as some lecture classes where students can be more anonymous if they so choose. My son is at the former type and doing well, but the participation and teamwork required has been a stressor.

5

Thanks for the support and suggestions!

@Snowdog, I think you’re definitely right about the interviews. I guess it had been a while since I’d seen my D out of her element and I wasn’t thinking it through enough. The interview that went well was at a college that does require (or maybe strongly encourage) an interview. The other was at a college that didn’t, so I don’t think I’ll encourage her to do any more unnecessary interviews. Her top choice school does require one, so I like the idea of her requesting a written interview like your S did (if that’s what she prefers). I’m pretty sure the school would be open to that and if not, perhaps it shouldn’t be her first choice! D is the same way about my email checking – she just huffs a little and adds a word or two. I should probably just not even look!

As for the LAC vs. larger university, she’s going into engineering so I’m thinking that in most of her major required classes that won’t be a big issue. Having said that, class participation is an area where she’s made amazing progress during high school. She works well in groups (which was not always the case) and even does pretty well with giving presentations. She is actually pushing herself now with taking a discussion and debate class and is doing quite well with participation. I think it helps that she really doesn’t care what other people think about her if they are not people who are important to her. Thanks for mentioning RIT – that is on her list. We plan on doing a visit there and I didn’t know they had a program specific to ASD.

@mcm176, yes that’s true. That is one reason she is probably going to do her essay (or at least the “additional information” section) about her challenges with autism. She definitely doesn’t want to go to a school that would see her condition as a reason to reject her. The school where she had the good interview seems to be a good one in that area. The adcom put her in touch with disability services already and sent a very nice hand-written note.

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@Snowdog, just wanted to thank you again for mentioning the Spectrum Support program at RIT. So cool it is at a school already pretty high on her list. I showed it to her and we both think it looks great. I love the idea that she would get a pre-orientation to assist with general getting around among other things. One of her hs accommodations is to go to school a week early with her sped teacher and walk through her class schedule. And such a great idea to have someone she will check in with every week. That would put my mind somewhat at ease.

7

My D2 did not interview or meet with faculty on her campus visits (although she did sign in at admissions, and when she sat in on classes she introduced herself to the prof as a visiting student at the start of class). My advice is skip interviewing and prof meetings. Go back to accepted student days at her top choices, and she can talk to profs then if she wants to.

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@snoozn, you are welcome. I should also say that I had emailed with the disabilities director at RIT and found her extremely helpful with questions such as housing accommodation. (Son needs a single room to decompress.) There is much to like about RIT - it ended up being too difficult for us because of the distance (8 hour drive or two plane rides), but otherwise I would have been happy for my son to attend there.

9

I’d recommend avoiding the mentality that the student should go to the most competitive school he/she can gain entry to but instead, will attend a small supportive school that advertises (and follows through on) its focus on helping students with cognitive disabilities cope effectively with challenges.

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Thanks @intparent, @Snowdog and @lostaccount for the input!

We discussed it and she’ll skip any further unnecessary interviews and not do prof meetings. Her top choice college does require an interview, but they are a small supportive school and hopefully she’ll get an understanding interviewer. I do plan on contacting disability services at all schools she decides to apply to next fall, once the list is hopefully smaller.

She and I are definitely of the same mind about wanting a small supportive school. And especially within the engineering departments we are liking reviews that talk about a collaborative rather than competitive atmosphere. She has a few on the list that would be hard to get into, but for the most part these are not her favorites from our visits so far.

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@snoozn
You said “of course I should not do that anymore”.

I’m not sure you are right there. People tell us that, your kid is 18, let them get on with it! But our kids aren’t prepared for that, or perhaps the “normies” as my kid calls them, aren’t prepared for them. So don’t listen to other people. Listen to your gut instinct! Are you going to give a prof a letter? Of course not. But you might encourage your D to introduce herself to profs through such an email, or to adcoms or the like. It is easier for them. And I think normies prefer it too bc it allows them to process and adjust without the pressure of the kid looking at them, thinking they know the right thing to do!!

I will be doing a “fit” finding expedition next year within a 2 hour radius, (he will be a junior", so do let me know what you find out there that your D liked!)

Q: is she into it? S2 could not be less interested. I’m wondering if it is too early (I’m not pushing in 10th grade other than to improve his performance as he consistently does not turn in work). Or if he will simply continue to not care…

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@HRSMom
I do like the idea of an introduction email like that and am going to suggest that to her. The one adcom she had a great interview with was the one in which she told him about the challenges she faced and he seemed very impressed. I’m sure it also made him more understanding of her demeanor. She’s long felt that her autism is a very central part of who she is and has no desire to be “cured” or become a “normie” (love that term!), but at the same time understands that some social norms do have to be learned and practiced. (And also that she has to work much harder to accomplish what seems to come easier to others). She’s been trying to start a club at her school for students with mental/learning/cognitive differences (and their allies), but hasn’t been able to find enough members to get it started. She plans on writing her college app essay about her complicated relationship with autism, so I think that will help get rid of the kind of schools she wouldn’t want to go to anyway.

She is very enthusiastic about the college search. I think she sees college as a big turning point and a fresh start, hopefully with more people who will appreciate her for who she is. Her high school is good as far as teachers and support, but you know, it’s still high school. Another reason for her enthusiasm is that she’s been in an engineering program and knows she wants to be an electrical engineer working on renewable energy. This has also helped narrow the college search!

Does your S know what he wants to do yet? My sophomore normie S has zero interest in college stuff and I don’t know if that will change next year or not. My oldest D (another “non-normie”) was pretty enthusiastic too, so I don’t know if it’s a male/female thing, a neurodiverse/neurotypical thing, or (most likely) just an every kid is different thing.

Are you limited to a two hour radius as far as attendance or just the initial look-see? My H and I go back and forth on the pros and cons of doing what she wants (go far away to a small school and be independent) and what we’d prefer (close enough to drive in one day if she suddenly needs us). Honestly for now, we’re just kind of putting the decision off to some unspecified later time.

D’s far and away number one choice wouldn’t help your S as it is a women’s college: Smith. They just seemed so warm and welcoming to everyone and she felt that could truly fit in. My oldest D looked at Hampshire (in the same consortium) and I would say they definitely welcome kids who wouldn’t fall on the normal scale. There are some websites that list colleges with autism support (not sure if your son is ASD, but the same colleges would probably welcome other neurodiverse kids as well). These didn’t help us too much since D’s field of interest is pretty narrow. (Though thanks to @Snowdog we know about RIT which looks like a great program).

I would also say in general look at colleges that truly seem to welcome diversity in other areas such as ethnicity, LGBTQ, physical disabilities and so on: schools that don’t want cookie cutter kids. Non-academic interests are also important. She’s knocked off schools where sports, greek life, or religion are dominant for example. I’m going to contact the disability office of every school she actually decides to apply to and try to get a feel for what kind of assistance she can actually expect.

I’ll add that D was held back a year in elementary and even though she hated it at the time, she agrees that things have worked out better school-wise in her overall readiness. If your S still doesn’t care next year, perhaps he could find a gap year project/program/activity/whatever that will give him more direction.

Thanks for your advice and I’d love hear more as you and your S move along in this arduous process!

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Don’t put too much hope into getting any rapport or comfort from the disability offices. Most responses that I got were pretty plain-vanilla, even bureaucratic. In fact, there were a couple of themes that I did not like that seemed to be prevalent undercurrents: “We can’t help you gain admission, please contact us once your child has been admitted” (I didn’t even imply that as far as I know, and “we need to see your documented disabilities and accommodations, and we can tell you from that what we can do”, which was not really reassuring or helpful. Hopefully your experience will be different.

14

@snoozn @HRSMom One thing that I’d recommend is definitely to set aside time to visit with the disabilties director when you go on the information session/visit days. All that we encountered were happy to set aside time to talk with prospective parents and students. If the list is too long when you are just visiting colleges and narrowing down, then have these meetings during accepted student day, by which time you’ll have a much shorter list. By the way, my son attends Hampshire.

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Well, I’m hoping I will have more experiences like @Snowdog than like @ItsJustSchool! If a school’s disability office tells me “Don’t bother us until you’re admitted and then we’ll make whatever decision we want based on your paperwork”, they are probably coming off the list. Sorry you had so many poor responses!

@Snowdog, hearing your son attends Hampshire makes me feel even better that you liked RIT too. Hampshire was my D11’s top choice and we both really loved it. It really came down to her debt aversion (a good thing!), but what a great place. I hope your son likes it there. Actually D17’s top choice is Smith College and I expect they would be very good as well regarding neurodiversity and disability services.

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@snoozn, he does like it, well I should say he has a love-hate relationship with his college right now. End-of-year pressures, presentations etc are not easy to handle. He’s made good friends (huge for him, he felt like an outcast in high school) but is sometimes overwhelmed by the activist atmosphere at Hampshire (similar at Smith, so I’ve heard), he’s not at all political. He sometimes questions his decision to attend a LAC over a tech school such as RIT given his interests. However, he doesn’t take advantage of all of the clubs, interest groups etc to meet like-minded students. Like a lot of spectrum-type kids, he’s not a joiner. Personally I think it is a perfect fit for him in many ways. On his good days he says the same. Good luck in your search!

17

As a speech pathologist, these issues make perfect sense. I would recommend that you contact a speech therapist who works with adults and do a few consultive sessions. If she were my student, I would start with some mapping where we talk about the new situation (for example, walking into a college admissions office, signing in for a session, and finding a seat). Discussing patterns and coming up with social skiill scripts would really help her. You have clearly done an excellent job supporting her. In terms of email, again she needs a script. For example, always start with a sentence beginning with… ALways end with… If she has a speech therapist that she aligned with in school, does your district allow them to see her privately over the summer?

18

Your question made me curious, and I did a little digging - I found this site which might be helpful to you…
https://aspergers101.com/the-art-of-a-job-interview-when-you-have-aspergers/ If the moderators delete the link it is aspergers101 dot com. There were many other links when I google how to interview high functioning aspergers but this one looked practical at first glance. Good luck to you!

19

Just saw this thread and would love to know what schools other people are looking at for their child with autism/Asperger’s that have good support and merit aid. Son has already applied to Alabama for engineering with the Presidential scholarship(assuming no changes- 1480 old SAT and 3.97 UW GPA) and their spectrum support program seems wonderful. Son is just becoming anxious that perhaps the school is too large. We are taking him to their SITE camp this summer which hopefully will alleviate some of his concerns. We are in Texas and have already ruled out A & M and UT Austin as poor fits. Considering Tech but would love some other suggestions. We are also still working on email and texting etiquette and how to work in groups. Like OP son has come so far but still has social challenges and due to some OCD and slow processing works very slowly and methodically.

20

She did an interview last week (too bad I didn’t get this info earlier!) at a school where interviews are “highly recommended”, which I basically read as “required.” She refused to practice at all and then felt it went okay but not great. She has two more schools (including first choice) where she will need to interview. One of those will have to be an alumni interview since we’re definitely not visiting. I don’t feel great about that since it will just be a regular person talking to her and not a skilled interviewer. For her first choice I’m tempted to pay for a visit (just for her, not me) to maximize the value of the interview and hopefully be able to do an overnight with a student.

@shoot4moon, I hadn’t thought in terms of getting assistance from a speech pathologist, but now that you mention it, it seems like an obvious good idea. Those are the people who are going to understand the processing issue and where the challenge is originating.

I was able to get to that link and I do think a lot could be similar for a college interview. I’ve found a number of sites with “typical college interview questions,” so those could be substituted for the questions shown. Also, the little meme on the sidebar called “Trying to Understand Social Cues” could totally be my D! I will be sending her that one.

@pokerqueen, my D wants a pretty specific program (electrical engineering with focus on renewable energy), so we’ve gone from looking at all the schools that offer that and narrowing by fit in all areas. Her preferences include small school, small class size, collaborative environment, hands-on experiential learning, nerdy atmosphere, not a party school. I think a lot of those preferences would match up with other hfa/aspie kids. Her top choice is Smith College (probably not what your S is looking for!) because the environment and program seem so perfect.

Her next three choices are Rochester Institute of Technology, Worcester Polytechnic Institute, and Clarkson University. We both love RIT, which we just visited. Of course I’d be thrilled with the spectrum support program. Honestly, I like it a bit more than Smith. She declared it “the nerdiest school yet.” We’ve visited WPI and Clarkson as well. I’d say all three schools satisfy most of those preferences I listed. They seem fairly warm and relaxed for tech schools and with a more collaborative than competitive environment. We also visited Rensselaer and liked it, but I found it to feel a bit more stand-offish and for various reasons it’s off her list now. I’d recommend you and your S look into all these schools. With his stats he should be able to get some nice merit if he likes any of them.

That’s great he’s going to a college summer program – excellent college preparation no matter where he ends up.