How to learn better social skills

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hello, I will be starting as a college freshmen in a month, majoring in math. I have both Asperger's and social anxiety, and have never had any friends. Some issues that I would like to work on are</p>

<pre><code> I have a really hard time answering telephones/ordering food though drive up windows. On the phone, conversations feel very awkward and I have a fear of saying something weird of taking a message incorrectly. I generally avoid answering phones all together.

When talking to people, either I speak in very brief sentences or ramble on like an idiot. I have no sense of when people are annoyed of this. I also have difficulty saying hi back to people when they say it to me.

I always automatically assume that people are not talking to me(when they are)/ have no interest in talking to me

I have a fear of public speaking; I shake, stutter, and my heartbeat goes crazy. I feel very anxious up until the point I actually give the presentation, but once I finish I feel very happy and confident.
</code></pre>

<p>I would like to at least improve a bit on most of these issues before I graduate and need to look for a job.</p>

2

<p>Well I think a lot of these issues probably have to be worked through more thoroughly than receiving advice on this forum.</p>

<p>I would actually advise you to just see a counselor at your school (my school provides them for free) to help you work through these issues. I think they have experience with people that have these types of issues and can probably help you more than you think.</p>

<p>For the advice I think I am “qualified” to give, I would say that you need to just be more confident and be willing to make mistakes. It is okay if people think you’re acting weird, especially people that aren’t always in your life like a delivery guy or other service people. If anything, use them as practice for socializing before you get to people that are more meaningful to you, like your college roommate next month.</p>

3

<p>I think you should probably talk to your counselor so that you can help to improve your social skills. Here is some advice I can give you though. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and be confident with who you are. If you maintain those two things, you will be able to make friends. Also, it’s okay to be goofy. I’m goofy pretty much most of the time around my friends. As long as your comfortable with you are, you should be fine.</p>

4

<p>Do you have any extracurricular interests?</p>

5

<p>Math is comforting because it never really changes as compared to the human dynamic which is always changing. You must leave the comfort of your mind and equations and pay attention to the wants and needs of others. Force yourself to pay attention, once you do, personal interaction with others will become so much easier.</p>

6

<p>OP I used to share many of the issues you are facing. I ended up realizing that I was too focused on what other people thought of me. In reality, people are way too caught up in worrying about themselves then to worry about you (something that middle school and high school tend to mask). People are so busy with their own lives, no one is going to pay much attention to others (unless they’re close to you, in which case the attention is positive). More importantly, every person’s opinion shouldn’t affect you. I didn’t think particularly highly of my classmates or the person on the other side of the drive through window, but I still felt extremely nervous around them. I needed to come to the realization that the opinion of the stranger on the other side of the phone didn’t matter. You need to realize where your self worth is coming from, and where you believe your self worth should come from.</p>

7

<p>Hello Sempervivum,</p>

<p>Congratulations on starting college!</p>

<p>As an “Aspie” myself (who went to college pre-ADA and pre-recognition of Asperger’s Syndrome in the U.S.) and a Toastmaster, I’m glad to help.</p>

<p>First off, what orion12 and FlyEagle17 said about seeing a counselor. Many colleges and universities have counselors you can see, at least for a few sessions, for no extra charge.</p>

<p>In particular, if you think you may need some kind of reasonable accommodations, get the paperwork for them done as soon as you can. As you may already know, they’re only required to give you <em>prospective</em> accommodations. </p>

<p>(So if, say, you did poorly on an oral exam and you think it was due to your Asperger’s, if you didn’t already ask for accommodations you can’t go back and say "Sorry, can you bump my grade because I have difficulty with conversations and public speaking?)</p>

<p>For conversations with routines, such as answering the phone and ordering food, write down a script and practice it. For example:</p>

<p>“Hello.”</p>

<p>“May I take your order?”</p>

<p>“Yes, I’d like to order a Maximum Ham Surprise, red potato skins and cornbread milkshake.” (Or whatever you want to order.)</p>

<p>“OK, that will be $12.13. Please drive up to the next window.”</p>

<p><then drive="" up,="" get="" your="" card="" or="" cash="" ready.=""></then></p>

<p>They’ll either give you your food first or ask for your money first. Go along with either one and give them your money at the appropriate time.</p>

<p>“Thank you very much.”</p>

<p>“You’re welcome and have a good day!”</p>

<p>As for public speaking, many Aspies (and many NTs!) fear it intensely. In fact, Jerry Seinfeld pointed out a study which showed that more people were afraid of speaking in public than of death, and joked that therefore the average person, at a funeral, would rather be the “guest of honor” than deliver the eulogy.</p>

<p>Try these:</p>

<ul>
<li><p>Speak about something you know and care deeply about. And yes, math can count [no pun intended].</p></li>
<li><p>Make like you’re talking to only one person, who’s standing at the back of the room. </p></li>
<li><p>When you can, take a second and look <em>briefly</em> into the eyes of a few people in the audience.</p></li>
<li><p>Practice, practice, practice before each speech. </p></li>
<li><p>When people give you feedback, listen carefully and in general try to incorporate it.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>With one-to-one conversation, start by checking for common cues that the other person is getting bored, annoyed or needing to leave. For example, if he keeps looking around the room, or she’s checking her watch or he gives brief, one-syllable answers, that’s a good sign. (Try limiting yourself to talking for maybe a minute or two, tops, before asking a question or pausing. People don’t like having to choose between interrupting you and standing there when they’d like to talk or leave.)</p>

<p>If you’ve any other questions just let me know. Meanwhile, good luck…and again, congratulations!</p>