<p>During HS I basically just hanged out with friends that I made in elementary, I didn't gain any additional social skills, and I basically colapsed whenever I gave a speach (no really, I stoped talking and looked like a total goof). </p>
<p>So I'm wondering if anyone has any ideas how to get over this fear, and how to gain social skills? </p>
<p>At orientation we had to meet one person and then introduce that 1 person to 10 others. I could barly do this, and only spat out about 4 words.. black belt karatie portland.</p>
<p>I seem to do fine with 1 on 1 interaction, or very small groups. However go beyond that and I just choke. I've been like this all my life, and my social skills have just been decreasing and decreasing. Stunning girls also get me choked up in 1 on 1. << yeah I need some advice </p>
<p>I know this is important for college, so I want to improve on this. And I don't like the title of the nervious kid, etc. </p>
<p>This is my biggest fear with college.. not the classes, the time, but my social ability. Any ideas?</p>
<p>like everything else, you have to practice.
start offf by talking to people you don't find threatening, like grocery store clerks or say hello to an older (60+) person and get a conversation going. once you're able to do that, talking to your peers will be much easier.</p>
<p>If you're really, really, super shy start out online first. And don't be afraid, no one thinks you're not worth talking to at first meeting, usually you earn that right after prolonged interaction. :)</p>
<p>I was DEFINITELY in your shoes last year when I went off to school. Use facebook to your advantage. Look for people living near you in your dorm and just send them a quick message like "Hey...looks like we'll be living across the hall next year..." yada yada. If you're like me and come off as very rude when you first meet people, online is a semi-nerdy but great way to let people know you're actually a really cool person, and then when you meet you're much more comfortable. </p>
<p>Also, keep your door open, and look for every opportunity to introduce yourself to dormmates the first week you're there. Myself and the girls in my dorm would literally be introducing ourselves and getting to know each other in the bathroom, and I met one of my best friends by saying "Hey, you should stop by my room sometime" in the laundry room. If you've introduced yourself to someone and they see your door open, chances are they'll stop in those first few weeks of school, because EVERYONE'S looking for their niche. </p>
<p>Here's the hardest bit of advice...atleast if you're me. If you see groups of people congregating in the hall, go introduce yourself and talk for a few minutes. I guarantee you if its the first few days they've just met too, so it's not like you're intruding on some super-private conversation.</p>
<p>Just look for little opportunities and you'll be fine. I know first-hand how hard it is to be incredibly shy with zero social skills, but it will work out if you just put yourself out there and take little steps. Good luck and have fun!</p>
<p>Orientation was like a major carnival at my school. A way to get to know the university, the community and ease the tension of a new school and school year. Unfortunately, some of the freshman took it too seriously after it all ended, and kept partying.</p>
<p>I 2nd what Buerre said, if you are shy, then try practicing your basic introduction and handshake. Use orientation to your advantage. Meet as many people as possible, and then weed them out later.</p>
<p>I was also kind of like you guys in that I found one clique back in Middle Schhol and stuck with them but never really ventured off. Now that everyone is parting their own ways I had to force myself to be more social. What kind of helped was that since I'm cashiering I was forced to greet and small talk with any customer that came to me and it helped a lot as I also became friends with the other people working in the store.</p>
<p>keep an open mind, be assertive and confident, and remember that no one is judging you. sometimes it takes a lot of courage to go out and take that first step, introducing yourself to someone or talking to someone new, but even if you fail, you at least tried and learned something from the experience. worst case, they didnt like you and lost an opportunity for a new friend. otherwise you just made one.</p>
<p>My number one piece of advice:
Realize that YOU are thinking a whole lot more about you and how nervous you are than anyone else is. Everyone else is concerned with themselves and their own nervousness and insecurities, not yours. </p>
<p>Two: Take chances. If someone invites you to do something you wouldn't normally do, try it anyway. It may turn out to be something you really enjoy. I was the clumsiest person, still am really, but a girl I met invited me to go to a swing dancing class and I was really skeptical, but it was seriously the best thing I ever did for myself. I love it! You may find your own way by doing something similar.</p>
<p>Some good advice earlier from other posters. take a look at <a href="http://www.shyness.com/%5B/url%5D">http://www.shyness.com/</a> which has links to online resources. There are literally hundreds and hundreds of books about the topic of conversation and social skills; Andrew Matthews has some lighthearted books about the topic.</p>
<p>You don't say what school you're going to, but most colleges have counseling available for free or very low cost, and your records are private so your parents won't find out. They also often have social skills workshops and support groups where you can roleplay various situations and learn from others. I really urge you to do this, and to do it right away! The first few months of college is a time when people are very open to making new friends, so if your social skills aren't the strongest you can think of it as a golden window. It may be that you just need a bit of advice and guidance, so if you go get it right away (rather than just hoping things magically take care of themselves) then you'll be happier and on the path to building friendships. </p>
<p>It is ironic that in school they spend literally years instructing you on things you'll probably never use again (calculus, history, etc) and yet social skills are something you'll need every day of your life but its something to which not a single class day is devoted.</p>
<p>Yeah, that's rough. I don't feel so bad now. I have different social problems. I have no aversion to giving presentations in front of hundreds of people. I actually enjoy it - it's a rush. I just hate small talk and am happy to just be in solitude. I find most people conversations incredibly boring and I have a hard time keeping focused. So, I tend to avoid that. Which kills many opportunities to make friends. </p>
<p>I agree that practice makes perfect. You have to do it to get comfortable with it.</p>
<p>Here are some piece of advice for you, shishkabob, from my own personal experience.</p>
<p>First, you have to determine why you collapse: what is that you fear when socializing? what preconceptions force you to stop talking?</p>
<p>Second, once you have isolated your fears and preconceptions, you need to dispel them. Emotions direct our thoughts, and thoughts direct our emotions. Most usually, the first effect is strong, while the second one is weak. Fear is an emotion. It can be remedied by a focused thought process aimed to dispel it. Most of us are not used to doing any mind training with thoughts so most usually emotions win over how we behave. However, emotions are based on all this biochemical stuff going on that you have no control of. You do have control over what kinds of thoughts you generate. Therefore, you need to generate thoughts that will help you come over whatever fears you face.</p>
<p>Third, it has been also noticed in the world of psychology that there is some kind of effect that forces your body to maximize that which you fear will happen (i forget what its called). For example, if you fear your hands will sweat, they most definitely will. If you fear you're going to choke up when speaking, you most definitely will. So the idea is that you start fearing the opposite thing or something totally irrelevant to the situation. Instead of focusing your mind on your inability, you either shift it to focus on your ability or to something totally irrelevant.</p>
<p>Fourth, it also helps to be able to hold at least somewhat interesting converstation. To do this, you need to keep on top of various information that is interesting to discuss. It also helps to read books outside coursework once in a while.</p>
<p>Another thing that helps is you need to learn to be random. I have a very spontaneous friend in terms of conversation, yet she is probably the best conversationalist I know.</p>
<p>thanks for all the reply's, I really do apreciate it. Since I was born, I am always thinking what people think of me, basically everything really... status, apearance, academics, etc. Not really people out of my age group, I never had a problem with that really.. only people that were in my age group or in my grade. </p>
<p>As far as speaches are concerned. Before speaches I tell myself over and over in my head.. don't worry what people think of you.. don't worry what people think of you... get through this speach. And then it moves to.. You screwed up that word now people are thinking that your that shy kid... You still have so much speach to go... Am I blushing now? I think I am.. now people really think I'm retarded.. etc.</p>
<p>I know that I shouldn't feel this way.. frankly when I'm with friends I don't give a damn what people think of me. IDK.. maybe I feel that if I screw up a first impression it will spread to the rest of the school, but who knows.</p>
<p>Around my friends I feel completly normal.. I go hang out with them.. go to some parties and meet new people that way.. However I find that I have to have a bigger Friends Group to New People ratio, otherwise for whatever reason I freak out. The sad part is that I'm able to meet new people easier when I'm drunk because my thought process isnt going into overdrive on what people think of me, and I'm able to finally relax and talk to people normally (well as normal as you can be when your drunk). </p>
<p>I am going to try my best to get over this, and join a few clubs in college. I'm also forced into taking a speach class, heh so we will see how that goes.(However going for an ECE degree isnt going to help anything =P ).</p>
<p>Thank you again for the resources and helpful tips, I will definatly use them.</p>
<p>In response to Leo. Orientation at my school works in a few steps.. First you go hear about the general stuff about the school, then they split you up into groups where your able to ask the head person in that group any questions you like. We also had to do some stupid stuff where we had to line up by birth day without talking, and then do what I said before about talking to a person and learning some stuff and then introducing that person to the rest of the group. After that, we had to go to advisors about what classes to take, then we signed up for them and left for home. </p>
<p>If you don't have any crazy social anxiety like me the group thing should be a cake walk. =)</p>
<p>I used to be afraid of public speaking.. freeze up & barely be able to mumble words out. But then someone told me somthing that helped me get over that... just remember when you go up there to give your talk, out of everyone in the room, you are probably the one that knows the most about what you are talking about (except maybe the professor), so they won't be able to catch your small errors. Other than that it is just rehearsing the talk so I know what I have to say or want to say, but don't memorize the talk.. it sounds so fake when someone gives a memorized talk.</p>
<p>Thanks shishkabob. Sounds good. I'll be looking foreward to it. I just can't imagine why there has to be 3 days of orientation but I suppose it'll be a good way to start getting to know a few ppl.</p>