<p>Here’s the good news about video skype - it can be ‘one way’. You can both use the audio feature, with only you turning on the video. That way she can get comfort from seeing you.</p>
<p>compmom is right on target. Do not consider deferring admission or anything of the sort. You are not the parent!</p>
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<p>I don’t think the mortgage papers reflect their relationship. Even if your mom had POA, you can have POA for someone who is not a spouse. She should not let your dad bully her into refinancing if it is not a good idea for HER. Have you tried talking to your dad to let him know she is having a hard time and to ask him to back off a little for now? Even though a lot of ex-spouses don’t get along too well, I think my ex-H would probably do that for me (and I would do it for him) if I though he was really struggling. It might not work, but you could consider asking him.</p>
<p>You said your mom has a therapist – you should suggest to your mom that she have a session or two now because she is feeling so down. Even with the furlough, it would be a good use of money if it helps her out. Tell her that you are worried, and that you would worry less when you go to school if you knew she had a couple of sessions before you go.</p>
<p>not sure if this was mentioned, but you can certainly ask your mom if the two of you can have a family session or two with her therapist, (or another therapist) I think it’s important that you hand over some of the responsibility of your mom’s care to another trusted adult, otherwise you will likely feel very ambivalent leaving. you can even contact your mom’s therapist and share your concerns.(she can’t give you information, but she can listen to your perspective and worries). It’s possible your mother is not letting the therapist know the extent of her depression…with all due respect it’s also possible that some elements of your mom’s communication to you is meant to control/guilt you. if so, this would also be important for the therapist to see…</p>
<p>if you were to opt for a gap year, what would really change in a year? you may postpone your own life indefinitely if your mom doesn’t address her own need to work on improving her life. wish you the best…</p>
<p>Please read Compmom’s posts. She knows what she’s talking about.</p>
<p>Please also know that your mom is not your responsibility. You are to love her, respect her and care about her, but you cannot make her feel better. Please encourage her to ask for medication from her therapist if she’s not already taking something. Anti-depressants can take up to 6 weeks to work and sometimes you need to try different medications.</p>
<p>Whatever happens, please know that her suffering isn’t your fault!</p>
<p>When I went away to college, I did feel a little guilty because I was concerned about how’s folks and family and how they would plug the holes I had been filling. They managed and I realized it was NOT my job to keep my “finger in the dike,” but they as the parents and family could and would manage fine. </p>
<p>Agree that you should urge mom to work with therapist including appropriate medications. Our kids have never called us daily–that seems like to much contact to us and them. If this therapist isn’t working, perhaps your mom needs to look for another. Have heard that some counseling is available on sliding scale basis as well.</p>
<p>OP, there are at least three issues in your initial post:</p>
<p>Your father’s dishonest behavior (secret divorce?). Your parents’ marriage issues, and subsequent divorce issues, are their responsibility to mediate, not yours as an 18 or 19 year-old. Perhaps she can rely more upon her sister for advice/support than you in reference to dealings with your father. </p>
<p>Your mother needs input of an attorney regarding the house mortgage, and given her job situation, should really sell the house, an unnecessary financial burden, and become a rentor, relying on sale proceeds to serve as her financial cushion. Not every person should be a homeowner. (Often after a divorce neither parent can afford to retain the family house outright without former spouse’s income.) Perhaps she should move to LB, to be closer to family, since you noted her LB visits cheer her.</p>
<p>Your mother’s outsized dependency upon you for emotional support should not become an overwhelming burden to you. Your post implies that your mother is disproportionately dependent upon you, “parentifying you”. Your mother must take responsibility for addressing her depression herself. It may be helpful to speak to her therapist, attend several joint sessions with her, determine whether medication would help your mother navigate this period, whether it would be helpful for her to sell home, move to sister’s area, find another job, etc. You can’t put your own life “on-hold” to manage your mother’s. Yes, of course you can call her every day once you’re at college, but both of you must acknowledge that your successful college attendance is a “first priority” for both of you. Best wishes.</p>
<p>My comments. You need to let go of your mother and enjoy college. Once a week is enough for you to keep connected and still have a life of your own, which you need. Some do talk to their parents more frequently but you need to ignore home and your mom’s problems most of the time. Getting your aunt (her sister?) to keep in touch is wonderful- you need to pass the ball to her. You need to move forward and not be stuck worrying about family. Many great comments. Be the child, not the parent- it is not your job to ensure she is doing okay. Do not let her problems interfere with your future. Regardless of the time and mental energy you spend she will have the same outcome but spending too much of yourself on her will ruin your college start. Do not give up on what should be a good first semester of college- have no guilt.</p>
<p>btw- you can’t make sure your mom is okay. You can make sure YOU are okay. Be sure to look after yourself first. Do not let her problems take you away from doing your homework, studying for tests, enjoying the social life of your school. This will ease the mother burden on her- your success and happiness will be a bright spot for her.</p>
<p>Thanks for the comments everyone. I know my mother isn’t my responsibility but she’s always looked out for people in the family, so I kind of feel obligated to make sure that she’s at least somewhat happy.</p>
<p>@HImom I don’t have any plans on deferring school anytime soon. That’ll set me back another 2 years… I was actually supposed to graduate this year but family issues set me back a couple years. My mom wants me to continue school and gain a social life, which is mainly the reason why I’m dorming and also because I can’t drive my stick shift yet.</p>
<p>I know my mother loves her house but we just dislike the area so much. Unfortunately getting another place to stay that isn’t isolated would mean driving an hour to work and back, I know she doesn’t want to do a drive like that because she already complains enough about the 45 minute drive to work and back (both ways). She would rather have a 10-20 min drive like she used to do years ago. She works for the Federal Government so finding a job now is harder then ever, especially in a place that she wants to live in. She’s applied to numerous jobs but they’ve all been rejections and I know for a fact that she’s very qualified to do all those jobs. Either people don’t want to leave or most jobs don’t want to pay the relocation costs. Usually they end up picking someone local. If she does end up getting another job somehow, I know she’ll either rent it out or sell it.</p>
<p>@higgins2013 The funny thing about the house is, my father never paid a dime on it. It was my mother who paid for everything, including the down payment. He claims that he wanted to “help out” when I talked to him a couple weeks ago (randomly called after 2 years), but in reality all he tried to do was set my mom back. Regarding the attorney, my mother had one for my father just incase he tried some illegal stuff and got her mixed up in it. Fortunately my mother’s credit was good enough to get loans but they eventually added up into $20k, she’s trying her best to pay them off now. Right now wouldn’t be the best time to get a lawyer; she and I have talked about that also in case he tried something else, and she believes he will but I honestly don’t think that he’ll be able to do much, since there’s so much proof that he signed off on the house. The mortgage company told us that he can’t really do anything that’ll make us get kicked out of the house. She applied to a couple jobs in Long Beach but they haven’t got back to her yet. I’m praying that she gets something soon.</p>
<p>Just to be clear, I am not at all suggesting that you leave your mother behind, or that you stop communicating, or that you always put yourself first, etc.</p>
<p>I am, however, trying to make the point that she needs to get effective help (meds, psychiatrist, therapist) and not use you as a sounding board for feeling “empty” and depressed.</p>
<p>And that you should not hve to feel responsible for her to the extent that you do.</p>
<p>Is it just you and her living in the house? Did you leave school to help her?</p>
<p>This is an online forum so whether or not you are “enmeshed” in a “co-dependency” is something you can judge for yourself. It may very well be that you are simply worried about a depressed parent before leaving again, and have enough detachment to move on yourself.</p>
<p>Family ties are important and we all struggle with balance, whether we have a sick child or parent, or an elderly parent. Some of us do have to make sacrifices of our own needs and wants in order to care for someone else. </p>
<p>What causes a reaction here is that the mom would appear to be trying to create a situation in which the child has to take care of her, which is unfair and possibly needs therapy of some sort.</p>
<p>@compmom Thank you for all your advice.</p>
<p>Thanks everyone!</p>
<p>Just an update: Weird thing happened about 2 days ago, my mom got a call from a lady that was trying to hire her for another job a couple of years ago. There’s a position opening up in Okinawa, Japan. My mother has decided that she’s going to take it. She doesn’t want to leave me here by myself, especially since none of my family members are reliable, but she realizes that this is something that she has to do in order for her to get better. Fortunately, she has at least one friend who said they’ll look after me while she’s gone. She really doesn’t want to go back overseas at all, but since it’s the only job that’s opening for her, it’ll help her with bills since she won’t have to pay rent/water/electric/gas overseas. She’ll just have her car note and loans to pay off, which will be good for her financially. She also said that I can visit 2x out of the year, so probably summer and Christmas/Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>She’s nervous because she’ll be going by herself. It’s usually me and her going overseas together but not this time. It’s going to be really rough on the both of us. Especially since I’ll have to learn how to drive my car in a short amount of time. And she’ll have to figure out who to rent the house out to and other things like that.</p>
<p>My father is STILL trying to do something about the house, we haven’t told him yet, and quite honestly I don’t see a reason to tell him that she’s leaving. It’s not really his business, but eventually he’ll find out.</p>
<p>Once again, thank you all for the support and advice you have given me!!! :)</p>
<p>Wow! Is anyone in your family from Japan originally? Just wondering because I think values in the US in terms of taking care of family are a little different.</p>
<p>Hoping you feel good about this situation and that the time in Japan truly helps your mom. Good luck!</p>
<p>Well my mom and I have been to Japan for many years, we’re a military family so we travel a lot. We’ve only lived in the Tokyo part of Japan, so we don’t know much about the Okinawa part.</p>
<p>Congrats. Hope everything works out well. Best of luck up you and your mom at this exciting time. Hopefully the new place she will live and work will be less isolated and rural.</p>
<p>Happy for you. The change will be good for both of you as you will get busy with adjusting and adapting to college life and your mom with her new job. I am sure it should put the focus on different/ positives things in life. Also things happen for a reason, a good reason. Prayers and wishes for the onward journey.</p>
<p>@Ainalways & @Himom thank you both. :)</p>