<p>I have a question for parents who are extremely close to their children, and even those who may not be. I am a high school senior, and in the Fall of 2012 I will be heading off to college, four and a half hours away from my mother (hopefully to University of Florida). My mother and I have always been as close as a mother and daughter can be. She is my best friend and I am hers and, although I know that I am going to have a ridiculously difficult time adjusting to life without her and being out on my own, I am worried about her. She is already upset and horribly sad some days, and I am not even leaving for another nine months, approximately. She is the reason why I am a stellar student, why I have always overacheived, and why I will be graduating high school with my Associate of Arts degree simultaneously. She has encouraged me and pushed me to strive for excellence. We both know that we will talk on the phone non-stop (likely at least five or six times a day, at least for the first few months) and can always "Skype," but it really isn't the same, as she reminds me. She doesn't mean to make me feel badly about "leaving her," but I do. She still has my younger sister to raise, but they have never been as close, to be honest, and I am just so, so worried. I'm worried about my younger sister, as well, but my mother especially, because she is my world, and I have always been hers. </p>
<p>You parents always have the best advice, so I was wondering if I could get some of that great advice. I know this is quite a long time from now (well, not really), but I dwell on this a lot.</p>
<p>Along with being a high school senior, I actually go to Edison State College full-time through the Dual Enrollment program. I have been Dual Enrolled since my freshman year and will graduate with my AA and 80+ credit hours. I also hold a part-time job at a law firm where my mother works, so we literally see each other every single day. I don't go to my high school because I have completed all high school requirements. What can I possibly do to make her feel better about this? What would make YOU feel better, as a parent?</p>
<p>Your mother has done quite a lot to help you get where you are, which is great, but now it’s time for you to go and enjoy the payoff for all of your hard work. Your mother will be fine. Our job is to prepare our kids for life independent of us. Sure she will miss you, and you will miss her, but I urge you to go and enjoy college and don’t worry about your mom. You aren’t responsible for her happiness - SHE is. I also urge you not to communicate so much once you are away. You need to find your own space and your own voice and your own way. Enjoy it.</p>
<p>She’ll be fine. The analogy of the baby bird in the nest is a good one. Up until now she’s been feeding you and nurturing you and hopefully she’s taught you to fly and take one or two solo flights, but now it’s time for you to strengthen your own wings.</p>
<p>It’s not your job to make her feel better - it’s your job to become independent. As a parent I have been having some “pre-empty nest syndrome”. Now and then I think, "this will be the last time we . . . " Everything you do senior year is the last go-round (of course you know this), but it can catch a parent at unexpected times. However, it is our job as parents to get you “brung up” and hopefully launch you gradually out into the world on your own. I remind myself of this fairly often - the whole point of parenting is that you are able to leave. It sounds like you are very well on your way to independence. That doesn’t mean that you won’t be close to your mom, but some distance is a good thing.</p>
<p>It is your time now. Enjoy it and get everything out of it you can. </p>
<p>Your mom will be fine. And if she’s not? Remember this and repeat it to yourself over and over again: “I am not responsible for her happiness.” </p>
<p>You cannot live your life to the fullest while worrying about her. Set a plan with her about communication (e.g. we’ll talk every other day or you’ll text her to say good night or whatever works for you.) And then stick to it. </p>
<p>You, your mother and your relationship will survive. But you must leave the nest in order to fly, right?</p>
<p>I am as close to my son (only child) as you describe, including the encouraging/associate’s degree/best friend. He’s even majoring in (and advanced for his age in) the same thing that’s my profession, so we have professional interests in common as well. He’s now a freshman 1000 miles away.</p>
<p>I was actually more upset for the most part in anticipation. Yes, I miss him terribly, but I’m happy that he’s in a good place. We still keep in touch more than weekly, but only have one big hour-long conversation a week and the rest is usually a few brief IM exchanges per week. I think of him several times a day, but I only get very sad about it every week or two, and that’s getting better. The main things that make it ok is knowing that this is how it’s supposed to be, and that he’s happy.</p>
<p>And, as others have said, it’s your job to grow up and hers to grow you and let you go. If it turns out she can’t handle it, that has to be her problem and not yours. Even in the UNLIKELY event that she falls into a terrible depression when you go, she wouldn’t want to hold you back from the excellence she’s encouraged you to have.</p>
<p>If you do your job right, the kid leaves . . . </p>
<p>Really, we had you and raised you to be your own self-sufficient person. We did not (or should not) have had you to fulfill some selfish desire not to be alone. Your mom will be fine. These next few years are really almost the only time in your life when you get to be selfish. Before you know it, your own kids will be here. Your parents may have to depend on you when they age. But now, you get to focus on becoming whatever it is you want to be. Try to go forward without worrying about your mom. Not saying this will be easy for her, but she’s a grown woman. She’s cared for herself before and will be able to do so again.</p>
<p>While it’s great, GREAT that you and your mother are close, I believe that this is why mothers and daughters should not be “best friends,” at least at this stage of your life. Being your mother’s best friend is what could potentially hold you back from spreading your wings, making other close friendships with peers, and forging the path that will make YOU happy. It’s not your job to make your mom’s life worthwhile and fulfilling, just as it will not be your spouse’s job, or your own kid’s job to make YOU happy. </p>
<p>I hope your Mom will adjust, but if she doesn’t, do not let this make you feel guilty. If she truly doesn’t do well with your absence to the point that you begin to worry about her and/or your sister, encourage her to get some counseling or maybe find a support group for empty nesters. She really needs to find things in her life to fulfill her outside of her role as mother, and trust me, you DO need your own emotional space in order to grow and develop into the best person you can be. </p>
<p>I say this as a Mom whose youngest child is a high school senior, soon to leave the nest. I do understand.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much. Our being best friends has really made this that much harder. It’s not as if we don’t each have our own friends, but we see each other every day of our lives (aside from the rare occasion when I sleep at a friend’s house) and come home to each other every day. Thanks for all of your kind words. It has eased my mind and I’m fairly certain that she will be fine after a while. I know she will have to adjust to it and I have to not worry so much.</p>
<p>You sound like a lovely young lady. I am also very close to my son who I launched this fall. The number one thing that has helped me is knowing that he is happy, learning, adjusting, and loving his life as a young adult in his new environment. I will be honest, the adjustment for me was not easy. We saw it coming and the months before saw many tears, but we all just saw it through with lots of love and even more humor. It’s nearing the end of his first semester and it IS getting easier and it will for your mom as well! :)</p>
<p>You’ve gotten a lot of good advise, but the most important thing for you to remember is that your mom is responsible for her own happiness, and she WILL find it. This is a tough transition but you will both be fine.</p>
<p>Wow! Congrats on your high school career!
Two pieces of advice (I am a parent of course!)<br>
Your mom will get over it (eventually, it’s in our DNA). and so will you. It’s time to enjoy your independence and college is the perfect environment to do it. She wants you independent also (at least I hope she does!) Don’t hang on the apron strings so to speak. Don’t call her 5 or 6 times a day–it’ll be better for both of you. Really. It’s time to immerse yourself in a new fun experience. When you call just tell her what a great time you’re having. And if you’re not, try to solve your problems before laying them on mom–it only causes angst.
You may have a ton of credits and an AA (which is nice and again congrats!) but don’t imagine that you only have 2 years of college left. The reality is you are young and still have some growing up to do. An AA for an 18 year old and one for a 20 year old can be very different. There is a growth spurt (like that of the 2 year old to age 4) that occurs from 18-20. (and another from 22 to 24). You won’t believe me until you’re at least 30 but it is true. It’s a major reason age requirements are built into many licensed professions. Bottom line: you may find yourself in classes with students much older than you, with very different perspectives and employers not willing to take a chance on you because you are too young and inexperienced. Or not!<br>
Good luck to you!</p>
<p>* I also hold a part-time job at a law firm where my mother works*</p>
<p>good! Your mom has a job which offers some distraction and possibly the added benefit of some friendships.</p>
<p>During the next few months, you can encourage your mom to branch out a bit. since it doesn’t sound like your younger sis and your mom have a lot in common, encourage your mom to identify a woman or two at work, community, church, neighborhood, who she can also build a close relationship. Do that NOW. That way, when it is time for you to go away, she won’t feel so abandoned.</p>
<p>Are your parents divorced? if so, is your mom dating? If not, why not?? </p>
<p>If your parents aren’t divorced, maybe you can encourage them to do more things together…find some new common interests or other couples to do things with.</p>
<p>:) Thank you all so much for your encouragement. </p>
<p>Gouf78, I totally understand that I don’t only have two years of college left. In fact, I hope to stay in college until I earn my PhD. You definitely make a good point about not giving her things to worry about - even if I am having a rough time, I plan to not tell her about it. I’ll find someone else I can confide in. I’m doing all of this preparing and planning way ahead of time, but I think it’s necessary. Haha.</p>
<p>I hear you. I get a little teary every time I think about not getting to watch reruns of our favorite TV show together when she gets home from school and decompresses with a snack before starting homework. The house is going to be so quiet before dinner!</p>
<p>Mom2collegekids, thanks for the advice. My parents are actually in the process of getting a divorce… for the second time. I, personally, didn’t think it wise to try it again the second time, but who am I to tell my parents what’s best? Anyway, I am really trying to encourage her to identify with my younger sister a bit more, who has troubles with school. I know that they aren’t very close because of this and my mother is so used to not having to worry about MY grades and homework, that she compares my younger sister to me. I don’t like this, but when I jump into the conversation and attempt to show her that we are two different people, she says that it is not my place. My younger sister resent her for that and, therefor, favors my father, who doesn’t care about how well she does in school and doesn’t push her to strive for excellence.</p>
<p>My mom and I are so alike, but so different in many aspects. We do bump heads a lot because we are so close.</p>
<p>“I hear you. I get a little teary every time I think about not getting to watch reruns of our favorite TV show together when she gets home from school and decompresses with a snack before starting homework. The house is going to be so quiet before dinner!” </p>
<p>Aww! I consider these little things, too! Like, we always, always watch Netflix movies together on the weekends to wind down from the tough week and I know I’m going to miss that so much! :(</p>
<p>mnyawn - you sound like a great daughter and I’m sure your mom is proud of you! I agree with the other parents that you are not responsible for your mother’s happiness. Our S left for school this Fall and as much as I may miss having him around, I kept telling myself “consider the alternative!”. I did not work so hard as a mom to have him NOT leave.</p>
<p>I have to say, too, that I don’t think it is heathy to be your child’s best friend. I tell my kids that they have plenty of friends, but they need a mom! The friendship aspect can develop more when they are adults.</p>
Haha, I think I am just going to need to encourage myself to break away from being so attached.</p>
You definitely make a good point about not giving her things to worry about - even if I am having a rough time, I plan to not tell her about it. I’ll find someone else I can confide in.