How to make sure mother is ok while I'm away at college?

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hello everyone.</p>

<p>I'm going away to college in a few weeks. My mother has grown deeply depressed in the last couple of months. In the past year almost we lost my grandmother, someone who my mother and I took care for in the past 3 years. We also found out that my father divorced my mom in 2009, but didn't tell us until 2011 (really complicated). Then, we find out that she's getting furloughed for a couple of months. On top of that my dad finally decided to make contact but only because he now wants his name off the house, which shouldn't have been on it in the first place (they bought it in 2010). </p>

<p>I know this is a lot to deal with, so I want my mother to be ok. There's no one to look after her and she'll be all alone in this house by herself. A couple of times a month we visit my aunt in LB and she seems to be ok then. But since I'm not going to be around anymore I want her to be ok. I don't want her to do anything stupid, especially while I'm gone. Should I call her everyday while I'm away at school? I'll only be an hour away but still, since I don't have a car that I can drive I'm not sure how I can visit as much. Any advice will be appreciated. Thanks.</p>

2

<p>I have to say at the outset what a sensitive and caring person she has raised. So kudos to her. I am no expert on this. But this is what I think you can do.</p>

<p>I would tell her what you say here. She would love to know how concerned you are and she would probably see this as a trigger to gather her strenghth for you so that you can begin your college journey with ease.</p>

<p>And of course you should keep in touch as frequently as you feel it is required of you to feel assured she is doing fine. I am a mom and let me tell you it is always a pleasure to hear from your child.</p>

3

<p>You are awesome; it sounds like you and your mom make a strong team. Does your mom have a computer? I would call but my sister kept in close contact with her children when they were in college and abroad via Skype and just plain chat as will as phoning.</p>

4

<p>Do you have good insurance policy? I would encourage your mother to see a therapist to help with all of those issues. I know a lot of people do not think therapist could help, but I know it has helped some of my friends to work through their marriage, empty nester, job…issues. I am sure a lot of things your mom is dealing with is better to be discussed with an unbiased third party than with you, especially when it comes to your dad.</p>

<p>Your mom is lucky to have a kid like you.</p>

5

<p>Your post is heartbreaking! Please, please do not embark on this new adventure with this huge worry in the back of your mind. Tell your mother how you feel now and suggest she get help for her depression. She doesn’t have to fake it for you–grief and loss are part of life, and they both suck–but she does need to know how her emotional state is affecting you.</p>

<p>Set up a time when you can talk to her while you’re away, but I don’t think it’s healthy for either of you to feel you have to do this every day. If you want to, great, but if you find that it prevents you from fully participating in your new life, you may have to back off a little.</p>

6

<p>Is your mom being treated? There are medications and other therapies to help. Does she have a psychiatrist and/or therapist? </p>

<p>This should not be on your shoulders. It is not your doing and there is nothing you can do to help: it has to come from her and she needs to get help. At the most, you could tell her that she needs to see someone and offer to go with her. Sometimes depression makes it hard to make that first move.</p>

<p>If you feel she is suicidal, or she says anything along those lines, she can be hospitalized. The ER can be an entry point for that.</p>

<p>Honestly, parents need to prepare for their children leaving, so that it is easier for the child to leave and not suffer what you are suffering. Please don’t feel badly for leaving. Your mom needs to adjust, and she needs help with some practical matters as well as her depression.</p>

<p>You have been “parentified.” Look that up. You yourself could benefit from a counselor on campus to help you with the transition and gauge how much worry or caretaking is appropriate for you to do. You are at an age where support may be needed and you are giving it, when you might need to receive more yourself.</p>

7

<p>I agree with all the posters that your mother is very fortunate to have a considerate child like you – and your heart and caring is worth more than all the SAT points and Ivy League degrees in the world.</p>

8

<p>You can definitely call every day! My D1 called me pretty much every day of her four years of college except when she was overseas. :slight_smile: D2 – I will be lucky to get a weekly text… but if you want to call daily, don’t feel like it is a bad plan in any way. That is what families do – they support each other when needed. And it sounds like your mom could use the support. My D would just call when she was walking to or from class or an evening activity. I wasn’t always available, so sometimes I just got a voice mail. But that was great, too.</p>

<p>Regarding something in your initial post – if your Dad is on the mortgage for the house, probably the only way to get himself removed is for the mortgage to be refinanced, I think. My ex-H was on the mortgage for my house for five years until I refinanced. The bank won’t just take him off because he said so – regardless of the divorce, my guess is that your dad signed the mortgage papers (you don’t have to be married to get a mortgage together, so the timing of the divorce may not matter). Your mom should not allow him to bully her into refinancing (if he is trying to do that). Now if she can get a better interest rate AND maybe get him to pay some of the refinancing fees so he is off the mortgage, then she should consider it. Although if she is furloughed she might not be able to come up with the refinancing fees right now.</p>

9

<p>Definitely call your mom every day! She will want to hear about all you are doing.</p>

<p>And tell your mom to get a good lawyer–she can go to Legal Aid, or a law school, or a bar association for recommendations. A lawyer will give her the kind of help she needs most in that crazy situation.</p>

10

<p>In addition to all the advice given above, you also need to know that this is not your responsibility. Your mother is an adult. You can give her all the advice and call her to talk as you have time, but whether she does or does not take steps is up to her. You cannot ‘make sure’ your mother is okay. You did not cause her depression and you cannot cure it - again you can give her recommendations but she needs to start helping herself. Go to college and make the most of it. Good luck to you both.</p>

11

<p>Just to reiterate. I hope that you are not in a position where you have to call your mother every day. Especially if it is for her sake, not yours. You are not her parent. One effect of a situation like this is that you are forced into being a “good person.” You need to be able to be a normal kid going off to college. I hope you have someone to talk to.</p>

<p>I don’t want to emphasize congratulations on what a wonderful son you are. That is part of the problem. This is an unreasonable burden.</p>

<p>I have sympathy for your mother and she may or may not be making you feel like this. She needs professional help and you need her to have it too, and possibly for yourself too.</p>

<p>NAMI is an organization that might be helpful to your family, for starters. They have support groups and there may be one in your area.</p>

12

<p>Has your mom or you considered renting out one or more rooms in the house? This could be a good thing, having someone else around and adding some income. It’s a thought to consider if she’s interested. A friend did this and found the company and money helpful.</p>

13

<p>Compmom is right - you are also in need of support. </p>

<p>Please find the services that are available at your college and take advantage of them. You will need some support.
Such worry about a parent when you are trying to begin your college life is not fair to you. </p>

<p>It sounds like you are a caring and compassionate person. I am sure that your mother knows how lucky she is to have you. It’s okay to call her and check on her - but you cannot make her better. She needs to do that for herself - with the help of a therapist if necessary. You are a loving child - not a therapist.</p>

<p>So please, talk to your mother as others above have advised. Let her know how you feel. Suggest that she seek counseling.</p>

<p>Then go off to college and try to enjoy your new life. Don’t forget about your mother, but don’t let worry keep you from doing what you need to do with your life.</p>

<p>Your mother will be proud of you when you succeed in college.</p>

14

<p>Thanks for the advice and kind words everyone. My mom has a therapist, but I don’t think that she sees her as much as she should. I think part of the reason is the furlough/money issue.</p>

<p>@intparent my mom has looked into refinancing and was initially going to try, but my father messed that up for his self. He “tried” to lie and tell the mortgage company that he never signed the loan when he gave my mother power of attorney to sign it in his name. I know for a fact that my mother no longer wants his name on the house but because of lawyer fees for my father, a parent plus loan for me, and CC debt, her debt to income ratio is too high tor refinance right now. My father is still trying to persuade her to try, but she won’t do it; and I’m glad she’s not going to. That’s more added stress to her that she doesn’t need. The weird thing is that they signed the papers as a married couple, so I’m not sure how that works at all.</p>

<p>I’ve talked to my mother today, and asked her how she was holding up and she said she was “down”. I asked her why and her response to me was “I don’t know”, then I asked her what was bothering her, which is basically the same question, and she said 'everything". I then asked her what makes her happy and she said “I don’t know, seems like nothing. I just feel empty.” That scares me. She also says that she’s tired of feeling empty and tired of trying to figure everything out. I then told her to focus on her health and happiness.</p>

<p>I know one reason why she’s depressed is because she’s in a remote area that she dislikes and she’s starting to really dread going to her job. Unfortunately because of the furlough there’s nothing we can do about that, except for just hope for the best, and hope she can finally be happy if she can get a new job in a better area. To be honest, it seems like she does this with every job. I can only remember her actually being content at one job, and when I was about 9 years old. Every other job she’s had since then she’s hated. I’m not sure what the problem is in that area.</p>

<p>My mother doesn’t go out much in the area of CA that we live in. Which I also think takes a toll on her. We’re originally from San Diego, and that’s where the majority of our friends live. It’s a 3 hour drive and I know she gets tired of driving down there whenever she wants to see some familiar faces. We’ve invited her friends to come over to our house numerous times but they always fail to do so. I think only one person came up here, but that was about 3 years ago.</p>

<p>As for the suicide thing, I remember when I was about 13, she was about to swallow a bottle of pills. The only one that could stop her was my grandmother. I’m afraid if things get too tough for her she might do something like that again. I don’t want her to resort back to thinking about committing suicide.</p>

<p>P.S. I know this is irrelevant but I’m a girl :)</p>

15

<p>OP, consider using Skype to talk to your mother. Video chatting may make her feel like you’re more nearby. Unfortunately, I don’t have much more advice to give, due to my limited experience.</p>

<p>Good luck</p>

16

<p>I don’t mean to be harsh but it verges on abuse to tell you that she is feeling sad and empty, when you are about to leave for college. You are accustomed and maybe even invested in this role. It is a form of “co-dependency,” (sorry, I hate jargon) and you need help getting yourself out of it. </p>

<p>Your mother should not be relying on you for support, and you need someone yourself. The transition to college is hard for everyone.</p>

<p>There are sliding scale fee therapists, and if your mother has no income, she should be eligible for some sort of Medicaid help. She may need a social worker or she could pay a visit to the financial counselor at a nearby hospital. Your mother may even need hospitalization.</p>

<p>You are too inside this situation to see that it is unhealthy and unreasonable. You goal might be to actually limit contact with your mother, and certainly not to call every day to check on her. It will be hard for you, and it will be sink or swim for her, but this relationship needs to change now that you are leaving.</p>

<p>By the way, I did actually have a parent commit suicide. It has taken a lifetime to realize there was really nothing at all I could have done. Please work with someone so that you can truly realize that keeping your mother alive is not your responsibility. She is clinically depressed and needs medication or other treatment, and a professional person to lean on.</p>

<p>Please start thinking about school, which is coming soon. Have you corresponded with a roommate? Do you know what classes you will be taking.</p>

<p>I know how very hard this is for you. I really do.</p>

17

<p>Really do not have much to say. I feel for you and your mom as well. This is a very difficult situation to be in. I am sorry I cannot offer any advice. But I will say this, it would help if you could pursuade her to visit the therapist regularly. I do not think you can do beyond the fact that you just worry about her and call her often. She needs an adult and a professional to help her through this difficult time.</p>

<p>Hope this gets sorted out and things get better for both you and your mom. Prayers and Best Wishes.</p>

18

<p>I agree that video skype is a great means of communication. </p>

<p>I’ve heard that some patients benefit from a plan about who they’d call if feeling suicidal. Probably local contacts work best. Maybe the therapist already has that set up.</p>

19

<p>If you’re really uncomfortable about your mom being alone, have you considered asking for a deferral of you acceptance for a term or year so your mom can get more stable and maybe find another place to live that isn’t so isolated? It might be good to check about whether this is an option that could work. </p>

<p>Does your mom even want the house she’s living in or does she want to sell or rent it and move to an apartment or somewhere less rural, perhaps with more job options? </p>

<p>Don’t really know your situation, but these might be ideas to discuss with mom’s therapist.</p>

20

<p>@Colorado_mom @stressedouttt Here’s the thing about Skype. She has this thing where she’s against videochat. I’m not really sure what the problem is with that. We both have iPhones and I have a mac so I could easily Facetime her, but whenever I try she gets an attitude and says she hates being on camera… but she constantly takes pictures of herself =/. She also made a Skype account for some odd reason. Maybe there’s a way I can convince her that it would be better that way for us to communicate so I can actually see how she’s doing? Though I’m not sure how this would work.</p>

<p>I talked to my aunt today and she said that when I leave she’ll call more and she’ll probably be out here more. My aunt doesn’t want me to worry about my mother either and she knows that she’s depressed also. The only thing about this is… my aunt isn’t the most reliable person, so I’m not sure she’ll actually do it. We’ve had issues with her saying she’d do something for my grandmother and then leaving her at her house (grandmother) without her meds and we had to drive 2.5 hours to get everything straight with her.</p>

<p>I know for breaks I’ll be going home, I think the next real break is Thanksgiving, so I’ll definitely be going home for that. We’ve never really missed a holiday together unless it was something like 4th of July. Major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas we always spend together.</p>

<p>Again, thanks guys for all the advice and help, I really appreciate it!</p>