Out of curiosity, @blossom, why should the relatives lie? Ten days care is a very long time, and I think the relatives are well within their rights to say no, given the behavior or attitude, they won’t do it. They don’t have to pretend to be busy or otherwise occupied. I understand not offering a medical diagnosis, but honest feedback is a gift.
Mom- no offense intended AT ALL. But a kid in the public school system is going to get mandatory hearing, vision, etc. evaluations during the course of the school year. And will have MULTIPLE eyes on him or her every single day- principal, resource room, classroom teacher, social worker, school psychologists, etc. And cannot register for school without a medical evaluation (even if the parents claim a waiver on mandatory immunization- the kid still needs to be under a doctor’s care).
A home schooled kid will have these interventions/observations if and when the parents feel they are necessary. In my state, a homeschooled kid is not required to be evaluated for LD’s, have an IEP, etc. and any medical interventions (including a pediatric visit for routine vaccinations) is at the parent’s discretion.
No offense- and apologies for having misspoken, it was not my intention.
Same here. My family learned quickly to not offer unsolicited advice. If we wanted their opinion we would ask. Our son was a classic 2e student and some of his behaviors, when he was little, created consternation in the rigid wing of our extended family. He blossomed into an amazing student and a sweet, caring adult.
That being said, I did sometimes seek outside advice. One of my best sources of info was our son’s LD tutor. Since we homeschooled from 3rd grade on, I didn’t want to ‘gloss’ some of the issues that needed work.
Most homeschool families do seek out support when they need it. Of course there are those who do not, or simply do not believe there is a problem - but there are always families in traditional school who do the minimum too. The homeschool families we have known are highly invested in the “results” of home education.
OP sounds like a wonderfully supportive aunt. We had extended family like that too and it was a blessing. All that being said, if extended family can’t or doesn’t want to handle certain behaviors, there is no obligation on the part of the extended family to do so. That’s just healthy boundaries.
@blossom Thanks for the clarification.
Maybe a good starting point for OP after she watches the kids would be to ask the mother, in a non-confrontational way as possible, what she does when her kid does X. Usually it helps to say some positive things about the kids first. 
“Hey, Susie, it was fun having the kids here. They’re so lively and bright, blah, blah. We had one instance when Bobby was doing X and got frustrated and I wasn’t sure what caused it or what to do. Any advice?” Her answer may or may not be telling.
Otherwise, I’d just stay out of it as others have suggested. I agree that if they are in school, educators will be looking out for and helping diagnose any issues.
Attention deficit disorder without hyperactivity can go unnoticed at school but the hyperactivity tends to draw attention. There really is no test for ADHD. A questionnaire is often used. A primary care physician can diagnose but a good psychiatrist knows treatment options. A full neuropsychology evaluation can be requested by a parent if the kid is in a public school. I understand your concerns but parenting philosophies often differ. Still, you could gently suggest asking the MD about ADHD.
I agree with most of what’ s been said, but have to add that the public school teachers and nurses I know absolutely will not raise these issues unless the situation is out of control. Frankly, they have no incentive to do so. The parents won’t appreciate it and are likely to be hostile, the principal won’t like the extra work and meetings, it is a further drain on limited resources, etc., etc. No reward for doing so and easier to ignore the whole thing as long as possible.
I would add that I have appreciated Consolation" s insightful posts over the years, which have been helpful to others.
@roycroftmom That’s sad if your school system is that way. I’ve seen no indication that the public school system where I live operates the way you have described.
I had quirky and difficult and super sensitive young children. We homeschooled. Everywhere I went people asked me if they had been tested. The butcher and dry cleaner even asked me. Anyone with similar kids has probably had the same experience. I doubt any of us were unaware our children were out of the norm of what folks expect and are used to seeing. People like to help out like that. They mean well.
What was most helpful to me, if family or strangers felt the need to comment, was for them to say, “wow, you sure have a lot of patience with those kids!”
Friends of ours sound very similar to OP’s relatives.
I don’t know all the details regarding their two sons, but I do know the younger son is managed with tutors and meds. I don’t question the parents because I can see they are under strain, and it’s none of my business. I am surprised though that the OP has spent so much time with the boys, but seems to have little knowledge of how they are faring socially and academically. That may be because they are very young, and not very verbal. I would suggest that, in the future, OP ask the boys open-ended questions about school and social life. “How is your school year going?” “What is your favorite activity?” “What did you do for your birthday?”
The answers might reassure OP that the boys are involved in the classroom and have some friends they get along with. I worry when children are not connecting with their peers.
There are people who will do the minimum that is required in whatever line of work they are in.
I agree with @doschicos, what you describe has not been my experience and I have not seen it in any school that I have worked in.
Minding one’s own business is well and good, however I do want to say that if @Consolation’s niece is aware of diagnoses for her kids, she should share at least some of that with Consolation and husband before leaving the kids with them for 10 days. In my personal experience, I think some parents can be too reticent to share with folks that probably need to know that info. Both husband and I have been involved in youth activities like coaching, chaperoning long trips, etc. where we find out well into it that a particular child has some health or learning issue we should have probably known from the start.
I’m sorry, Blossom, but you’re not equating homeschoolers with cultists, are you? My children were homeschooled all the way through 12th grade. They saw all of the professionals you mentioned in the course of regular checkups. My dyslexic also saw a handful of neurological specialists. Please let’s not promulgate the inaccurate, stereotypical view of homeschoolers as recluses who eschew regular, preventative medical attention for their children.
doschicos: If either child was on medication, I guess Consolation would have been told so she could administer it. Whatever medical records parents feel the school should have in case of emergency, should also be given to caregivers, imho. I can’t go so far as supporting the idea all volunteers for kids’ activities should necessarily have that info. There are sometimes privacy concerns. I lived in a gossipy community and a dear friend tried very hard to keep her young son’s diagnosis of a potentially very serious condition from him as long as possible. I think she was correct.
When I read Consolation’s post, it did not strike me as intrusive. She’s an aware woman, obviously caring enough to have hosted them. She was not asking how to steamroll the parents, lord it over them or tell them what to do.
My first concern is most often for the child, not all the what-ifs about family dynamics. Nor sweeping everything under the “the school will tell her” rug or “she probably knows.” Not even that we know kids who outgrew.
Some of this xposts.
I agree, you start by finding non-judgmental ways to approach it, some of which might even reassure you. I was also going to suggest asking the parents, “How are they doing in school?” It’s an “aunt-ly” sort of question. You might find they’re ok there, but let loose away fron that context, a not uncommon counter balance.
There’s a huge difference beteen caring and judging.
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It is hard when you feel like you might have insight on something, not to offer it. I totally get that.
I get into trouble offering unsolicited advice on prospective colleges LOL.
My nieces/nephews have all gone to public schools, and there have been moments when I didn’t think a certain issue was handled correctly. But they have turned out fine. It’s shown me that there is more than one way to do something.
@alh I understand privacy concerns but not all kids with such issues are on meds or need meds, and not all our involvement was voluntary. Sure, there are gossips, even among paid professionals, but I think that is the exception rather than the norm.
I appreciate Consolation asking us to give advice
Sometimes I think I would really enjoy having my own advice column.
I am another one who thinks it isn’t being a busy body to gently ask about the kids’ behavior if you have been taking care of them for ten days. I think it would be fair to offer your observations about how they act, the positive and the negative, and see what the parents say. And it could be couched in terms of “what do you do when Johnny does x? I wasn’t sure so I did this.” Heck, when I used to leave my kids with a sitter or relatives, I’d warn them about what to expect! (Billy likes to build with blocks. His brother likes to knock everything down and then they fight. This is what I do to stop that cycle.) My mom would discipline the kids as necessary without a second thought, but always reported back to me what happened and what she did so I’d know what had gone on. (My mother had outstanding instincts. She never told me what to do. She would report that “Johnny came home from school upset that he forgot his math book. He ran upstairs and I could hear him storming around. When he calmed down we talked about it.”)
I agree the age of the kids matters. How old are they? Don’t offer diagnosis. I would open the door to discussing the kids’ behavior, though. Be ready to listen to what the parents are thinking.