<p>My brother is driving me nuts. For years his son has been the star at his school, done pretty much every EC he could, has awesome grades and fantastic stats. He's always wanted to go to a particular college but is now changing his mind and wants to go to the same one as his cousin (my DS). So my brother is always asking about my DS's grades, SAT and ACT scores, etc. and I know he's trying to compare the two kids (I've been thankful that the kids go to 2 different schools so they've never been in direct competition to date). And somehow, my DS always falls just short of his DS (not that my DS even knows his uncle is doing this - I make sure not to say anything to him about it at all). </p>
<p>Funny thing is that my DS is a darling child and I wouldn't trade him for anything or anyone. He's very excited about being able to go to his dream school - the one and only one he's wanted to attend since he was 7 years old, has excelled at his high school activities and studies, did very well on his ACT and pretty well on his SAT and has received many community awards for his behavior and grades. My nephew, on the other hand, is always grounded for telling lies, skipping school, abusing the house rules (looking at porn online when he's already been grounded from the computer) and abusing his siblings. My brother and his wife are always complaining about their DS and then the next words out of their mouths is how much smarter, cuter (you name it) their DS is than mine!! Talk about contradictory statements..</p>
<p>How can I politely (we're family and live in the same town after all) tell my brother that my DS's info is private, none of his business and how on earth am I going to go through 4 years of college with my brother breathing down my neck to 'check up' on his nephew? I don't understand why it matters so much to my brother, and I really don't like myself for the thoughts I've had about what I'd really like to say!!</p>
<p>Good God, ignore them! You're going to go crazy if you let people like that get to you.</p>
<p>Enjoy your family, be happy. In all probability, those kinds of people really aren't happy and that's why they have to go around publicizing how great their kids are. Why else would you????</p>
<p>Have you ever met anyone who brags on themselves all the time (or their kids) that DIDN'T have some kind of inferiority complex? I haven't. No matter how great their kids are, there's something missing in someone's life if they have to go around telling the world.</p>
<p>nevertheless, we understand your problem...not even a relative but an acquaintance had 32 kids same grade as mine and everyone heard how p[erfect. special eahc child was more special than anyone lese's...</p>
<p>perhaps saying that your son doesn't want you discussing his stats...and keep repeating tah, rolling eyes as necessary like< 'oh, these kids!" </p>
<p>I tried this about my dd's college decision and super mom started to argue and then gave up...</p>
<p>Doubleplay, I would LOVE to ignore them but can't since it's shoved down my throat every week. However, you are absolutely right about the inferiority complex - I'll keep that in mind when I feel like slugging my bro!</p>
<p>Memphismom - I'll practice rolling my eyes!!!! That sounds like fun and may annoy my brother enough that he'll stop asking!</p>
<p>All you can do is repeat that you prefer not to discuss your son's stats, as you don't believe in comparing kids that way. You might need to warn your son about this, however, as it did occur to me that if the information is not forthcoming from you, your brother might try to get it from your son. I'm hoping your nephew does NOT get into the same school as your son. Even if his stats ARE slightly higher, given what you've described, I doubt his recommendations will be in any way comparable, so you may not have to deal with this situation all through their college years.</p>
<p>We've been dealing with the same situation for 22 years. The Aunt and Uncle in question aren't really interested in my kids, just in the fact that whatever their kids are doing is superior.</p>
<p>My H and I turn it into a game. We oooh and aaah over everything my nephew does (he, unfortunately, has been lead to believe that he is the only child with accomplishments or deserving of praise), and leave the rest to the community paper. We get a lot of miffed phone calls along the lines of " Well, Nephew would have gotten that too if...."</p>
<p>I suggest that you pull bro aside and tell him something like, "It's really important to me that (son) and (nephew) NOT see each other as competition ....so I don't want to discuss specifics on test scores and grades and that sort of thing. Period." You might add that you're glad that so far your S has avoided any angst or anxiety about the college admission process and you'd like to keep it that way by making it a non-starter for conversation --- or strictly taboo -- in your house or at family get togethers. If he keeps bringing it up you can simply say, "I think you know my policy..." (A Seinfeld line that has become a sort of shorthand in our family for something that ain't gonna happen.) </p>
<p>Here's another suggestion: turn your brother on to CC. He seems to have a need to compare his kid to others and gauge his S's chances against the imagined competition. This way he can indulge this annoying habit without involving you. Just don't divulge your screen name, obviously.</p>
<p>I know how annoying this kind of behavior can be. Had dinner last night with DH's favorite 1st cousin & family. Their son is going off to college, just as my son is. The boys sat next to each other and you really could see family resemblance. These people are classy. Although the boys applied to some of the same schools, no numbers were mentioned! Yeah! Both families just reenforced how much we all loved both schools.</p>
<p>H's sister, on the other hand, has Daughter same age as my D. She is like your brother, though we can only talk about her D. Her D was "certified gifted" blah, blah, blah.</p>
<p>There are so many ways to deal with this, depending how confrontational you feel comfortable being. You might say, "Our family considers it in bad taste to discuss numbers. Aren't we both lucky we have such wonderful sons," or such like. This might stop him from pumping your son for info.</p>
<p>I feel sorry for your nephew being subjected to such pressure and valued for only narcissistic reasons, whereas your son is obviously loved for himself. My sister-in-law's children have colitis and other ailments, whereas my kids do not. Her children are the real losers.</p>
<p>BTW, Wat did your son get on ACT? Mine got* (LOL. Just kidding. Sorry; couldn't resist.)</p>
<p>The answer as to why the comparison matters so much to your brother seems to be in your post - your brother is trying to accommodate his son's failings in areas (behavioral) where your son surpasses by trying to pump up the accomplishments his son does have.</p>
<p>I'd ignore this. If your bro asks specifics just smile and say your S is doing just fine and you're quite happy with him. If your bro doesn't get it (that you don't want to delve into specifics) just answer with a change of subject. There's no need to indulge his rude behavior. The same applies to 'friends' who do the same thing.</p>
<p>This is the little devil in me, but I would be very tempted to make up a score or grade that is higher than their sons. It's not a college application after all. And people who go around reaping misery on others by bragging about themselves deserve it.</p>
<p>So, next time he asks what your son's SAT is, just answer innocently, "I can't remember exactly, but it was 23-hundred something...." and stare off into space air-headedly. If he pushes it further, THEN say, "Johnny doesn't really like me to tell people how he did on his SATs, so we better not talk about it anymore, and PLEASE don't tell him I said anything? He'd just be SO upset with me."</p>
<p>your brother and my sis-in-law should go bowling ;-). I have had the same experiences w/ her. Granted her two girls are exceptional but good gravy she doesn't have toa ct like they are the only exceptional children on Earth. I try the smile, nod and change the subject method and it usually works. If you bro can't catch the subtelty in that than I'd be blunt.</p>
<p>"You know Joe, I am so proud of my kid and also very proud of yours but I don't think anyone benefits from comparing them." If that doesn't work give him a wedgie ;-) he is your brother right</p>
<p>I hadn't thought about bro asking my DS if I don't pony up stats for him. I guess I'll let DS in on what's been going on but also remind him that this is his own personal information and he doesn't have to share it if he doesn't want to (I'm pretty much thinking that if DS doesn't want the stuff on Facebook then he should keep it to himself! - and I'll put it to him that way!). </p>
<p>I know bro is trying to make himself feel better about his son's behavior - he can't help but see the difference b/w the cousins when my son is so well-respected by the grandparents and his school personnel and his son is practically banned from many things b/c of his bad behavior. The ironic thing is that stats-wise our kids are very comparable (one point off in ACT - my son higher- 20 points off in SAT - his son higher, grades nearly identical). So clearly they are 'in the same league' although I don't want to give my brother any information one way or another (he shares a lot of it with me, unasked). </p>
<p>I need to work on myself in addition to telling brother to bug off. I shouldn't let it get to me, but I am really concerned about the possibility of my nephew going to the same college because then brother will be comparing all the activities between the two cousins as well as trying to get the low-down on the grades. I was so relieved when my nephew announced last spring that he wanted to attend a particular college but then he was invited by my son's dream college to visit and he's hooked for the same reasons that my son is hooked. I sure hope nephew changes his mind and decides to pursue other opportunities or we may have 4 years of direct comparison coming at every family meal..... Oh and I don't think I mentioned that my son is currently at a private school that doesn't rank students so he's had to work very hard to qualify for admittance to his dream school while my nephew is one of the chosen 10% kids at the local public school and has automatic admittance? So while DS has been on pins and needles to make sure he had those magic ACT and SAT scores, my nephew went in to take the tests with very little pressure because he was already guaranteed a place. I'm not complaining about this because we chose to put DS at the private school, I'm just pointing out that this has not been a breeze for DS to be admitted and I hate for my nephew to take some of the joy from my DS by going to the school as a "settlement" because he automatically qualified to go. </p>
<p>And a small part of me thinks nephew may have changed his mind about the school because he now doesn't have to worry about applications or essays or rejection letters - he already knows he can go to the college without any more work. I think that just exemplifies nephew's slacker attitude and that just burns me up!!!</p>
<p>Sorry for the long post - you all are so great to let me vent!</p>
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I know bro is trying to make himself feel better about his son's behavior - he can't help but see the difference b/w the cousins when my son is so well-respected by the grandparents and his school personnel and his son is practically banned from many things b/c of his bad behavior
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<p>Neutral observer, here: it seems to me the competition is running both ways. </p>
<p>I can think of no possible good reason, in terms of describing the situation, why the details of the cousin's bad behavior need to be divulged and emphasized. </p>
<p>If indeed the grandparents favor the good cousin... then there are bigger problems in this extended family than competition over SAT scores.</p>
<p>Wow, If it's any consolation, I really feel sorry for someone who goes to a certain college not because it's his dream, but because he has some ulterior motive to compete with a cousin, or to avoid doing an essay.</p>
<p>Here's my words of wisdom from a parent of a student who just finished his freshman year of college: Happiness brings on success. It also brings on enthusiasm, motivation, confidence, the willingness to try new things, get involved, and all the rest....</p>
<p>Concentrate on finding a school where your son will be happy and the rest will fall into place.</p>
<p>Actually, I'm quite concerned about your brother's son, who might end up at a school for the wrong reasons. :eek:</p>
<p>maybe you could do some CC research and give your Bro info about "great" schools oyu have discovered which would be a match for his son???? Steer him to other wonderful options....away from your DS :D</p>
<p>Is your ds's dream school big enough to accommodate both his cousin and him? Do they get along? If it is a reasonable sized school and they are not in the same major, the constant comparisons and bragging may not be a problem except for you and your brother.</p>
<p>Your ds will have to learn to deal with it as much as you do. Some of my aunts were like your brother and they were constantly comparing me and my sibs with my cousins. Not just with my parents but also in front of us kids. My father taught me to see that we are different kids and that my aunts are insecure. I learned to divert their attention when I do not want to deal with their bragging and indirect put-downs. When I got married, my husband was also fair game. They wanted to know his income, his grad school achievements, etc. They and your brother will probably not change and the only thing you can do (as I see it) is to learn to deal with it and teach your ds how to do it as well. My cousins and I get along fine and have learned that parents are not perfect.</p>
<p>Repeat after me: "Oh, my D (S) won't let me discuss her grades. She hates it!"</p>
<p>And then say "oh, you must be so proud of your D/S. I know I'm proud of mine."</p>
<p>And then, if you must, come up with something non-competitive to be proud of, like "I can't believe he's really enjoying learning how to use a pH meter."</p>
<p>My daughters and I put up with a similar situation for about 10 years. It wasn't a relative: it was a friend/acquaintance/competing Mom from one of their schools (& unfortunately also from a shared activity with this same Mom + daughter!). The situation was really quite complicated -- complicated by a psychiatric condition that the child had (major), involving delusions, lying, posing, narcissism, & more. It was a giant problem at the schools, actually, too. Child & Mom used to <em>claim</em> star status, doing an awesome spin job about that, but the spin was always fabricated. It took us at least 5 years to "get it." That's how skilled the pair was.</p>
<p>So I always wonder about The Lady (or the Man) protesting too much (given our experience). Maybe there's more than a little insecurity on your relative's part?</p>
<p>A few strategies began to work on our part:
(1) The more outlandish claims we would ask for backup about: 'Really? And when did she get a 2400 on ___'? (Usually they were tongue-tied.) There were specific opportunities to challenge them on details, & we began to confront them about this.
(2) Sometimes we just let them rattle on. Then we were always able truly to top that (in that or a different category), after they had exhausted what their thought were the superb claims we couldn't match. I know that's kind of equally petty on our parts, but it usually hushed them when they learned that they were outgunned in at least one area..
(3) Sometimes we had sarcastic retorts. That usually was necessary when they began downgrading one or both of my daughters. I would pretend to bemoan just what an awful future my d's would have in comparison to hers. Of course, the opposite happened. Their claims never materialized. The d way overreached in her college list, with largely quite negative results. I'm not gloating about the difference in result (between the 2 families); rather noting that the predictions of glory never happened.</p>
<p>The best lesson for me was allowing fate to take its course -- not only with regard to the actual graduation results (considerably different from the wild assertions), but with regard to (sadly) emotional/social misfortune occurring in the family, which swiftly ended the grandiose statements. They became far too distracted to continue the charade.</p>
<p>I would answer with " my DS is so embarrassed by my bragging about his getting into the school and getting such high SAT scores, that he has made me promise never to discuss them with anyone. I am afraid I went overboard bragging, and made it uncomfortable for all of us, so I won't go into details, but I am very proud of his accomplishments."</p>
<p>As to going to the same school, I wouldn't give it a second thought. Those public schools are so large, the chances of their seeing each other will be remote. Also, since the boys are so different, they will find their own cliques in the school, with friends much like themselves. It doesn't sound as though they have much in common, so they won't be in the same social circles.</p>