Parents in denial

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Just wondering if any other parent can offer suggestions. My brother's only son is very bright, but has been steadily doing worse and worse in school. He was getting A's in elementary school, mostly B's in middle school, D's (and a rare C) in high school (he's a freshman.) The mother says he is doing fantastic, doing everything a 15-year-old should do. (As an example, she said he puts his clothes away when they come out of the dryer.)
But the very day she was praising him that way, she mentioned that the night prior, he had returned home at 4:30 am without contacting his parents. And it was a school-night as well as a week before Finals. Furthermore, upon return, he argued for 20 minutes that he didn't do anything wrong.</p>

<p>Something to know:
- My nephew is bright. However, I don't think he's as bright as he and his parents believe (They all believe he is smarter than all his teachers and everyone else he has ever been in contact with.) His mother encourages this mentality--she said it is good to boost his self-esteem----and because she truly believes it. Whenever he says that this classmates are "so stupid" because they didn't understand something that he did, his mother praises him for being "so smart" (without verifying anything.)</p>

<ul>
<li>Though he is bright, I don't believe that alone can carry one through high school when the work gets more demanding. </li>
</ul>

<p>What then is the reason they give for his D's in almost every class?
Answer:</p>

<p>(1). He says that he scores 100% in all this tests and exams, which the parents don't verify so I don't know if it's true or not. He says he gets all D's because he skips class and misses assignments so it pulls his final grade down. </p>

<p>(2). They say he's failing because "he's too smart" and the schoolwork isn't challenging and stimulating enough. The work is "BORING", "repetitive" and students are "always doing the same thing." </p>

<ol>
<li>English: He has to write an essay every 3-4 weeks, thus it's "always doing the same thing" (even though the subject matter is different.) She says: "He just needs to write one essay to knows how to write, he's not like other students who have to practice writing many essays. I read what he wrote and it was fabulous." When that fabulous piece won him a "D", she never wondered why. (She also never attended college so may not be a good judge.)</li>
<li>Math: Since math homework involves practicing similar problems to ensure proficiency, that again is "always doing the same thing." </li>
<li>Foreign language studies: Learning vocabulary and grammar means "always doing the same thing" and is "boring,"</li>
<li>Social studies: reading, answering questions, doing research, and writing papers means "always doing the same thing".</li>
</ol>

<p>(3). They say he's failing because they don't have money to send him to a private school which would challenge him more. I pointed out that his public high school, one of the best in the nation, offers many honors and AP classes. She says he signs up for them---though of course he can't get into them with D's. Furthermore, which good private school with a challenging curriculum will accept a boy with almost all D's??</p>

<p>The boy's father (my brother) has a passive nature, and leaves child-rearing to his wife because he works 12-hour-days to make ends meet. She is a stay-at-home mom.</p>

<p>They ask me for help when there's a problem in school, but when I try to figure out what is going on so I can help, I bang against this thick wall of denial. I dearly, dearly love my nephew and am afraid that he is turning into a narcissist (if he isn't already one.) Teenagers already have narcissistic tendencies, and think they are better and smarter than everyone else. Here, the parents also think the same, and encourage that grandios mentality. Parents and child are equally convinced that all problems are someone else's fault, especially the teachers, the principal, the school district....the list goes on.</p>

<p>Anyone has any ideas, please??</p>

2

<p>Let him fail. Sounds like someone needs some life experience under his belt.</p>

3

<p>some schools offer “study skills” courses which basically help kids get organized and focused, and deliver the message that even bright people need to work through assignments systematically, study for tests, and so on. In many places you can also pay for a similar course from a private tutoring company. Lots of bright teenagers are lacking in the executive function department. My intuition is that praising such kids for their intelligence is exactly the wrong thing to do, because it stokes their belief that somehow smart people do stuff by magic. So they work even less hard, the problem gets worse, and they flounder around not having developed the habits that would fix it. </p>

<p>Of course there may also be a more serious problem, such as ADD, but it sounds like the parents are not likely to get the kid tested . . .</p>

4

<p>Do you think he would do better home schooled, or would he just use the opportunity to smoke weed (or whatever he does) and avoid all work? If the latter, then try to talk to him directly. Tell him that even if he is smart, that grades are the best way to prove it, and that he needs to appease his teachers and just do what they want him to do, even if it’s stupid, so he can get good grades, and go to college. </p>

<p>If that doesn’t work, I don’t know.</p>

5

<p>Never underestimate the power of denial. (My favorite quote from American Beauty).</p>

<p>People go into denial because reality is too painful to deal with, IMHO. They don’t get out out of denial until something major happens to force them to deal with reality (it’s called ‘hitting rock bottom’). In this case, it could be a kid flunking out of school. Or not getting into the college of his choice or not getting into the state university at all (in our state, it’s very difficult for this type of student to get in the public universities without going through a ‘bridge’ program at one of the 2 yr technical colleges). Or they may never get out of denial. They may be the type of people who find it easier to blame others than to take responsibility for their own action.</p>

<p>Personally, I don’t think there’s anything you can do. If it were me, I would say something along the lines of “I understand your frustration and I’m sure the school has a lot of resources to help with this situation.” And then change the subject. </p>

<p>In psychological terms, this is what is called triangulation. They are involving a third party (you) as a way of not dealing with their son. They spout off to you and ask you for help and it relieves a little of their tension and anxiety but it doesn’t solve the problem. At first, you feel flattered and needed but eventually you feel like you are banging your head against the wall because no matter what you suggest, they find a reason to shoot it down. As long as you are taking responsibilities for ‘helping’ them, they don’t have to take responsibility for the situation themselves. Can you tell I have been in this position before :frowning: ?</p>

<p>From experience I have learned the best way to handle this is to listen but not get sucked into the situation. Don’t give advice. If they were serious about fixing the problem they would be searching out resources and making changes, not just complaining. Just my two cents.</p>

6

<p>Did his parents attend college , are they aware of the grades needed to attend a good 4 year college? They very well may think your nephew is bright because he at one time got all "a"s – but not realize that intelligence without motivation can lead to failure. And brightness in and of itself doesn’t really count for anything if his grades are bad.
Your nephew can change things around if he focuses on his grades next year-- at many colleges freshman grades don’t count, or don’t count as much as sophomore and junior grades.<br>
Does his parents have plans for him to attend college? Is your nephew the oldest so perhaps parents haven’t started navigating the college path yet? Maybe speak to your brother if you aren’t as close to his wife.</p>

7

<p>Your nephew’s mom seems to have fallen into the trap of some psycho-babble that’s been around for a while - tell kids they are wonderful so their ego will be healthy. It’s been proven that’s not true. What really raises kids’ self esteem is achieving and helping others. Her son appears to be doing neither.</p>

<p>Her son is being constantly told how wonderful he is - why would he see any need to change? Sounds like his parents are truly in denial. </p>

<p>I don’t know that there’s anything you can do to get thru to these parents. I think they need a sit-down with a GC who will tell them the truth: if things don’t change you won’t have to worry about college. You’ll have to worry about him graduating hs.</p>

<p>The “more of the same” thing is ridiculous. Clearly these parents don’t understand how education works. Writing ONE essay will teach him to write?</p>

<p>Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. I’m not sure what you can do here, because I don’t think anyone will listen to you until it’s too late. Good luck!</p>

8

<p>Nobody “really smart” repeatedly gets Ds in HS and thinks that’s ok.</p>

<p>Sounds like there’s a lot going on here, much of which might be brought to the surface simply by letting him fail.</p>

<p>Hard for you to stand by passively and watch, but I think that’s what you need to do. If they ask questions like, “What should we do?” I would say, "Have him use some of those smarts to get and maintain a 4.0 GPA. That’s what really smart kids in HS do.</p>

9

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<p>Best advice ever from MomLive.</p>

10

<p>Parents in denial are so painful to watch but I firmly believe there is absolutely nothing you can do that will do anything other than alienate those who don’t want to see truth. I’m just amazed at how deeply in denial an otherwise smart person can be, especially when a beloved child is involved.</p>

<p>A friend recently told me he thought it showed integrity that his college senior refused to work for good grades in classes he did not like at the $50K/yr school he was truly sacrificing to send him to. When my jaw finished hitting the ground I realized that the truth that this aspiring doctor would not get into med school and other simple truthes about his kids were just more than he could handle and he would remain delusional until reality unfolded. Sounds like that’s the case here too.</p>

11

<p>From geek_son, a suggestion I haven’t seen on this thread… you might suggest that he attempt to test out of the “boring” classes. If he does, “problem solved” from the parents’ perspective. If he can’t, that should send a message to his parents about his skill level. If he won’t, that should send a message to his parents about his motivation.</p>

<p>It sounds to me as if his parents are too deep in denial to acknowledge anything at all wrong with the Little Darling, but it might be worth a try. Aside from that, I agree with other posters here… back out and let him fail.</p>

12

<p>Thanks so much for all the good ideas.
In reply to some questions:

  1. I don’t think my nephew is using alcohol, drugs or pot, but I’m not 100% certain as to pot and alcohol. I am certain as to hard drugs.
  2. The boy is smart. I’ve taught high school for 25 years so I can tell. But he’s not as smart as they make him out (ie. smarter than ALL his teachers. Geez!)
  3. Homeschooling: Not possible. Parents did not graduate college and are not well-educated. That’s partly why they are so enamored that their son is so bright. They talk only about him maybe not getting full scholarships with D’s, but are convinced he’d get into a very good university like MIT. </p>

<p>Because I am so fond of my nephew, I worry about him. I appreciate all your input and responses.</p>

13

<p>He doesn’t have learning disabilities. No executive function disorder. </p>

<p>Just not motivated to do schoolwork because he believes he is too smart to do the work assigned by his teachers.</p>

14

<p>If their version has any merit (boredom, intelligence): He could go to community college with dual enrollment, meaning high school and college credit at the same time. He could also take courses online. If he is truly bored, he can do all kinds of things and get a diploma through North Atlantic Regional High School or other programs (google it). He could also get his GED and go directly to college.</p>

15

<p>If you have a good relationship with your nephew, why not deal with him directly? His parents have asked you for help, so it’s not like you are sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong. </p>

<p>I would discuss his grades and ask him why he is getting such horrible grades, but wouldn’t take all that bull crap from him. I would tell it as is. I would then also explain to him what it would take for him to get into a college. Even if he is not sure if it’s the route for him, it’s good to keep that option open. </p>

<p>As far as the parents are concerned, I would give them a dose of reality. If you don’t want to say it to the SIL, then say it to your brother. Tell them if they don’t step up and be the parents, then they maybe looking at supporting their son for a long time. </p>

<p>Lastly, it is not normal for any 9th grader to stay out until 4:30am ever.</p>

16

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<p>Happens in my school, it’s ridiculous.</p>

17

<p>For all the parents who are giving great suggestions on taking college level courses because he is bored, forget about it. The kid is not bored or too smart. The kid is lazy with gullible parents.</p>

<p>I can’t believe if this kid is at a very good public school that the parents have no visibility as to how the kid is doing. Many schools post homework schedule, test review, grades online. If I truly believed my kid was so smart that he is bored, I would be marching into the school to ask for special assistant. Ask your SIL if she has done any of that? She is a tax payer, she should get her money worth.</p>

18

<p>another thing to look at… The all A’s in elementary may been the school policy NOT the child’s level of acheivement</p>

<p>my youngest is not an academic at all… through elementary school we continued to express our concerns … papers we saw were illegible, yet would have a B . his report cards showed that he was failing on exams and classroom work BUT suddenly at end of the year he was a B average. He wasnt!!! the school was just passing him. We had him tested for learning disabilities…none. He just quickly learned that he didnt have to do anything and they would still pass him! Last year we took him to Sylvan and they found he was missing basics back to grade 3. This year he is in high school and they actually will fail him…and they did…all four core courses (including Algebra 1A twice). He is in summer school now and imo that is a joke too… it is computer based and he told us he was having a problem with one section, H talked to teacher and she said "oh if i see they are having difficulty with a section and have tried, i move them on to the next section!??..umm what about help him understand) </p>

<p>Constant area of disagreement between H and I. Son does no homework, and i say no homework, no videos etc. H says he enjoys games, let him play! I feel we need to be stricter and have very definite rules and make him have more responsibilty for his actions, H disagrees.</p>

19

<p>Any chance that he’s depressed?</p>

20

<p>I agree with the poster who said you should bypass the parents and move onto your nephew. They are asking for help, they are basically giving up on their son, in a backwards way their behavior is a kind of child neglect, they would love, (even if they protest) to have someone with authority take over.</p>

<p>I have done this with my adult nephews in different areas, but still, an aunt can do things a parent can’t or won’t. Tell him you don’t buy his nonsense, if he truly feels everything is boring or whatever, move forward to change things, etc. You probably don’t need another kid but your nephew, brother, and sister-in-law are headed for real trouble. He’s just a freshman, see if you can get control over this mess now. Everyone will be happier for it in the end.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>