Well, that is certainly a range of reactions. I will refrain from characterizing them, except to say that some of you have made a lot of assumptions, apparently based on your personal experience.
For those of you who accuse me of either making a diagnosis or wanting to do so, I thought I made it clear that I had no pretension to expertise in that area. All I have is close observation of the child in question, as well as a decent amount of experience with little boys through my S and his friends.
Let me clarify a few things. Firstly, I am close to my niece, and we have discussed parenting issues before, especially around gifted boys, since I also had one. I have always been supportive. She knows perfectly that I love the boys, and I am particularly close to the older one, who just turned 12. Last year, I drove with him back from my sister’s house in Indiana, a 2-day trip, during which we listened to the second half of Team of Rivals. He astonished his parents with his fully formed opinions on members of Lincoln’s cabinet when he got home, LOL. On that occasion he stayed with me for about 5 days. They call it Consolation Camp. His parents also noted–with pleasure–that he returned with better table manners. 
They actually kind of count on me to enforce a little civilization. (The 8 yr old also arrive at my house with a math packet due this coming week that he had done nothing on all summer. They counted on me to make him do it. I got him to do about a third of it, but then I said to myself, why do I have to be the bad guy?)
In fact, on this trip my niece said that she and her H were finally making a will, and they asked me if I would be willing to be the boys’ guardian if something happened to them. Me, not either of their grandmothers or any of my other nieces, her sisters.
This summer I drove down to CT for his birthday party, and brought both them–and their pit bull–up to my house to stay for about a week and a half. Their parents were not here. (Also not the first time one of their dogs has come to stay.) NONE of my other family members are willing to do this, largely because of the behavior of the younger one, who seems to be 8 going on 4. When I arrive at their house, the first thing the boys usually want to do is sit down and play Ticket to Ride with me. We have a very warm relationship.
I, and everyone else, have had ample opportunity to observe him. He is a sweet boy. He is also incredibly impulsive, does not listen, cannot be still for 5 seconds (literally), and in general seems immature for his age. Someone mentioned the idea that I should praise him for sitting still at the dinner table for a minute or two. Perhaps you will not believe me, but that is something I have never seen. If he is eating something like a sandwich, he constantly gets up and circles the room with it in his hand. He has to be asked to sit down probably 5-10 times in the course of the meal. If he is eating a dish that requires a utensil, he sits with his feet under him, shifts position frequently, gets up and walks before sitting down again, and so on. I say “a utensil,” because he does not know how to properly hold and use a knife and fork. (He is also semi-ambidextrous, but I think ultimately may be left-handed. Not that that has anything to do with anything, except that it might partially explain his difficulty with implements.) The last time I saw him before this, I narrowly prevented him from running headlong into a major city street by bellowing at him so loud I felt like I ruptured a vocal cord. (The idea of getting him to walk holding one’s hand is laughable.) The one time he can concentrate is–naturally–when watching something on a screen, whether a game or a video.
I know that both of them have made many trips to the principal’s office, they are rather proud of it. The older one has matured a lot, though, and I am not as concerned about him. He would benefit greatly from a peer group of intellectually inclined kids, and I’m hoping he finds it this year in 7th grade. He and I have had talks about trying to break the cycle of bickering with his brother, not making negative assumptions about other people’s intellect, enjoying interactions when adults compliment him on his manners, working on being his best self, etc. The younger one says that he enjoys being a jerk at school. I am worried about him. I am worried that this jerk label has been voiced by his peers, and that he is internalizing it. I don’t know whether he controls himself better in school, but I tend to doubt it. I think that his behavior is pretty extreme, and I wish he could be helped.
I think that I am perhaps the ONLY person from whom my niece would accept this kind of concern. I would like to talk to her about it, supportively. That’s why I asked for advice.
