How would my SAT Essay get graded using the SAT Essay grading scale?

Test Preparation
1

<p>Thoughts? Thanks :)</p>

<pre><code>"Sometimes it is necessary to challenge what people in authority claim to be true. Although some respect for authority is, no doubt, necessary in order for any group or organization to function, questioning the people in charge-even if they are experts or leaders in their fields-makes us better thinkers. It forces all concerned to defend old ideas and decisions and to consider new ones. Sometimes it can even correct old errors in thought and put an end to wrong actions."

Assignment: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Throughout history, there have been many set customs and traditions. Often times, these values are inspired by the valuable teachings of wise leaders. However, no matter how knowledgeable one is in their given field, their values and policy are subject to human error. Therefore, it is essential to challenge the ideas and decisions of individuals in places of authority. Some examples of rules that have been protested and successfully ruled wrong are those of both popular and intellectual backing. These include the definition of traditional marriage and the role of government in
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<p>healthcare.</p>

<pre><code>Challenging authority has been just and favorable to human dignity in various cases. One example is with the institution of traditional marriage. Throughout most of history, it has been believed that marriage is solely between one man and women. This view has been supported by several organizations such as the LDS Mormon Church, National Organization for Marriage, and Chick Fil A. Their leaders, Mitt Romney, Maddie Gallagher, and such have all reiterated repeatedly their support for traditional marriage. However, what they all have failed to conceive is that prohibiting marriage to couples due solely to gender is completely discriminatory. And this slowly became realized, through the dedication of LGBT activists speaking out, such as with their activism with the Stonewall Riots. Thus, the validification of what marriage should be eventually later came, with a decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Court in 2001 that ruled the discriminatory teachings of "traditional" marriage were invalid, by ruling to legalize same-sex marriage. That was due to the perseverance of LGBT activism against the time's traditional authorities.

Also, it's been evident that acting out against influential figures in the healthcare industry is producive of success. For example, many powerful pharmaceautical figures have lobbied the United States government to stay out of healthcare. These figures include people like Ron Paul. However, Rep. Paul's theory has been proven anti-progressive, since government-assisted healthcare has been a success. For example, in 2002, Governor Romney of Massachusetts signed extensive legislation mandating MA citizens to purchase healthinsurance, and provides economic aid to those who can't
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<p>afford to do so. And, it led to Massachusetts having some of the nation's healthiest citizens today. That shows how healthcare protest against authorities brings success.</p>

<pre><code>Conclusively, it is evident that skepticism yields human progress.
</code></pre>

2

<p>Ok first of all, your examples are highly controversial. Never use controversial or political topics in your essay because you do not know who the reader is going to be (of course I wont dock points for this but just a bit of advice). Solid points, weak conclusion, need more analysis, kinda basic writing style. Id give this a 7/12</p>

3

<p>9/12.</p>

<p>Agreed with ab123ab. Reallly shouldn’t use political controversial topics</p>

<p>I think 7/12 is too harsh though. </p>

<p>Clear thesis and the sentence structure was pretty varied.</p>

<p>I think one excellent example to use for this essay prompt is Galileo(sun is the center of universe and how it went against the teachings of the churches)</p>

4

<p>Sentence by sentence critique, take from it what you will. Overall it’s not a bad essay, but there’s a lot that you can definitely improve on for next time. I’d give it a 4/6: </p>

<p>Throughout history, there have been many set customs and traditions.
This is a pretty weak opener in that it’s an obvious statement that isn’t sufficiently elaborated on.</p>

<p>Often times, these values are inspired by the valuable teachings of wise leaders.
“Values” and “valuable” sounds awkward so close together in a sentence. You mention “these” values, but your previous sentence mentioned “customs and traditions”. “Values” isn’t exactly a synonym for these.</p>

<p>However, no matter how knowledgeable one is in their given field, their values and policy are subject to human error.
You need to pluralize “policy”.</p>

<p>Therefore, it is essential to challenge the ideas and decisions of individuals in places of authority.
“Positions” instead of “places” here. </p>

<p>Some examples of rules that have been protested and successfully ruled wrong are those of both popular and intellectual backing.
“Ruled wrong” isn’t very precise when talking about “rules”. Since the point of the sentence is to mention the “popular and intellectual backing” part, starting off with “some examples” leads the reader in the wrong direction.</p>

<p>These include the definition of traditional marriage and the role of government in healthcare.
As the previous posters have mentioned, this is a political issue. Stay away from politics, religion, personal relationships, and the like.</p>

<p>Challenging authority has been just and favorable to human dignity in various cases.
“Just” isn’t a proper adjective for challenging authority. Neither is “favorable” for “human dignity”. Don’t reach for descriptors that aren’t quite what you’re looking for. Clarity and simplicity are best since your reader isn’t looking through your essay for mind-blowing analysis and deep thought; they just want to get through it and give you a fair grade.</p>

<p>One example is with the institution of traditional marriage.
This sentence doesn’t contain enough substance. It halts your flow a little.</p>

<p>Throughout most of history, it has been believed that marriage is solely between one man and women.
“It has been believed that” is a lot of words. Maybe “… marriage has been defined as between…”</p>

<p>This view has been supported by several organizations such as the LDS Mormon Church, National Organization for Marriage, and Chick Fil A.
Your argument is that this is a huge historical belief, but you’re only citing small, modern organizations. Proper examples would be governments making sweeping laws or large demonstrations or protests.</p>

<p>Their leaders, Mitt Romney, Maddie Gallagher, and such have all reiterated repeatedly their support for traditional marriage.
“Reiterated repeatedly” is repetitive. Avoid alliteration in adverbs, it doesn’t flow quite too well.</p>

<p>However, what they all have failed to conceive is that prohibiting marriage to couples due solely to gender is completely discriminatory.
This is completely unsubstantiated. Your argument rests on the assumption that marriage should not be defined as one man, one woman which can’t be proven since it’s an opinion.</p>

<p>And this slowly became realized, through the dedication of LGBT activists speaking out, such as with their activism with the Stonewall Riots.
You assume the reader knows what the Stonewall Riots are, which is not a safe assumption. You ought to mention what their contributions during these riots were.</p>

<p>Thus, the validification of what marriage should be eventually later came, with a decision by the Massachusetts Supreme Court in 2001 that ruled the discriminatory teachings of “traditional” marriage were invalid, by ruling to legalize same-sex marriage.
This is much better. Court rulings are authoritative. “Validification” isn’t always considered to be a word. Note that the “with a decision…” part is offset by a pair of commas, which means the middle part should be just an aside rather than the main focus of your sentence. </p>

<p>That was due to the perseverance of LGBT activism against the time’s traditional authorities.
You’re reaching here. Mormons, an interest group, and a restaurant chain are not traditional authorities.</p>

<p>Also, it’s been evident that acting out against influential figures in the healthcare industry is producive of success.
New paragraphs shouldn’t being with “also”. It makes it seem too much like a continuation of the previous thought, which means it should be in the same paragraph as the previous thought. Contractions are no good in formal writing. “Acting out” has childish connotations; rebellious teenagers “act out” against their parents. It belittles those you’re talking about, which isn’t a proper argumentative technique. “Producive” is not a real word. You’re looking for “conducive to success”.</p>

<p>For example, many powerful pharmaceautical figures have lobbied the United States government to stay out of healthcare. These figures include people like Ron Paul.
Combine these two sentences, otherwise your essay slows down.</p>

<p>However, Rep. Paul’s theory has been proven anti-progressive, since government-assisted healthcare has been a success.
Your main thesis involves people speaking out against big institutions which is what you’re saying Paul does here. </p>

<p>For example, in 2002, Governor Romney of Massachusetts signed extensive legislation mandating MA citizens to purchase healthinsurance, and provides economic aid to those who can’t
afford to do so.
This runs counter to your original arguments. Paul was not in charge and Romney was.</p>

<p>And, it led to Massachusetts having some of the nation’s healthiest citizens today.
Don’t start a sentence with “and”, especially not with a comma right after. If that’s how the argument naturally flows, it’ll sound better combined with the previous sentence somehow.</p>

<p>That shows how healthcare protest against authorities brings success.
This doesn’t follow. Again, Paul is not an authority figure. Romney, being governor, was.</p>

<p>Conclusively, it is evident that skepticism yields human progress.
“Conclusively” is too strong of a word to end an argumentative essay on. Same with “it is evident”.</p>

5

<p>Thanks you guys, but why can’t I use hot topic political issues? You see… they’re sort of the things I know the most about. I could quote things about hot topic issues the exact minute they happened during a day and tell you what everyone was wearing… that’s why I like those sorts of examples, if you get what I’m saying…</p>

6

<p>That is a really good example… I’ll do some more detailed research on all of its intricacies.</p>

7

<p>The reason people tell you not to use a ‘hot’ topic is that they believe the reader will not like your political position and will score you lower as a result. I don’t really know what to say about that. Readers are told to avoid that, but there may be some truth to the idea. Even so, I think there is another side.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Essays are read by two readers. One may try to punish you for your views, but it is unlikely that both will. If their scores vary by more than one point, a third reader is called in. That third reader is senior to the other two and will be even less likely to punish you.</p></li>
<li><p>If you are writing about something you know and care about, you are far more likely to write a better essay than if you are writing some bland essay to be safe.</p></li>
<li><p>Maybe the reader will agree with you.</p></li>
<li><p>Maybe the reader will disagree with you but will bend over backward to be fair.</p></li>
</ol>

8

<p>8/12.
It is evident in your writing that you have the ability or potential to write a 12 essay.
There are some flaws in this essay though.

  1. NEVER use controversial examples. You can still use current events as examples without being so controversial.
  2. “Throughout” history is sort of a generic opener that makes the reader go “Blah”
  3. Try to make your thesis more apparent. This is the SAT essay, not an AP Lang essay. SAT readers skim through your essay going through a mental checklist, you want to make the required elements easy to find.
  4. Your body paragraphs seem a bit choppy, hard to follow when skimming
  5. Need at least 2 sentence conclusion</p>

<p>Good writing, just have some small holes to patch up. </p>

<p>Overall your writing seems to be good, I think you could easily get a 10+.</p>

9

<p>To add to the above critiques:</p>

<p>“However, no matter how knowledgeable one is in their given field, their values and policy are subject to human error.”</p>

<p>“One” is singular, so the “their” should be changed to “his or her.”</p>

<p>“Some examples of rules that have been protested and successfully ruled wrong are those of both popular and intellectual backing.”</p>

<p>Many things. First, that a rule has been ruled wrong is a tongue twister(2 rules in one sentecne) and best avoided. I would change “are those of both popular and intellectual backing” because which has popular backing: the examples of rules themselves, or the fact that these rules are wrong? It is unclear. Also, change “successfully ruled wrong” to something such as “successfully ruled immoral” because “wrong” is very vague.</p>

<p>“Challenging authority has been just and favorable to human dignity in various cases. One example is with the institution of traditional marriage”
Change this to one sentence and add a transition word-Firstly, To start off, etc. Although the longer the better, it sounds quite awkward, because you only mention one “case”(gay rights) and CHALLENGING authority is not “just and favorable,” “THE EFFECTS OF challenging authority” have been just and favorable to human dignity.</p>

<p>“These include the definition of traditional marriage and the role of government in
healthcare.”</p>

<p>This should be changed to “the definition of a traditional marriage and the role of the government in healthcare.” Watch you articles “the”, “a”, and “an.”</p>

<p>“between one man and women”</p>

<p>This should be changed to “one man and one woman or between one man and multiple women” or something like that to clarify “one man and women.”</p>

<p>“Also, it’s been evident that acting out against influential figures in the healthcare industry is producive of success”</p>

<p>Use “it has.” Contractions are for less formal writing, and using contractions helps to take up more space (which has been correlated to high scores).</p>

<p>“Conclusively, it is evident that skepticism yields human progress.”</p>

<p>“Conclusively” is best used for times such as “We have conclusively proved that vacuum cleaners enjoy cats by studious scientific evidence and inquiry.” Do not use “conclusively” to wrap up your essay.“Conclusive”([conclusive</a> - definition of conclusive by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.](<a href=“Conclusive]conclusive - definition of conclusive]conclusive by The Free Dictionary”>Conclusive - definition of conclusive by The Free Dictionary)) puts an end to all doubt and is decisive, which your essay does and is not, because, like omicron said, conclusive is too strong of a word.</p>

<p>Maybe 10/12, I understand that you can’t write the best essay you’ve ever written under 25 min time restraints.</p>

10

<p>JuanitaRebel,</p>

<p>I’m curious to know what the mental checklist mentioned in your third point consists of. Can you educate me?</p>

11

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