Lots of projecting on this thread. Well, I suppose we were weird, but, as a very young immigrant couple who owned absolutely nothing, we did not know that we were “supposed” to have a house, a well-paid job and a stable carrier before having babies. So, I had the first child at 23 just before starting a Ph.D. program, and the second one 5 years later. This ended up being the best decision in our lives. As a Ph.D. student, I had access to a very inexpensive student family housing, a small stipend and no loans, and my husband had his first low-paying job. You’d be surprised how little you need to get by, even with two very young children. For years I could not afford to buy anything except cheap groceries – all other stuff for kids and adults in our household was hand-me-downs, or picked up at the curb on garbage collection days. I walked to school, and husband used public transportation. I had a part time sitter, and watched the baby for a few hours every day until my husband was home from work (he was able to start early and be home by 4pm), then I returned to work for another 5 hours (or longer). Both kids started nursery at 3 yrs. old, but we were eligible for financial aid. All in all, I published four papers in high-profile journals and I finished my Ph.D. in slightly over four years with a baby and a 5-yr old.
Then I entered a postdoctoral program, which also came with inexpensive (albeit tiny) family housing that we could afford, and the kids attended a nursery and a public school. I met a school bus every day, watched the kids for a few hours, and went back to work every night. By that time my husband started a part time MBA program, so he studied every night after putting the kids to bed, and non-stop all weekends-long while I watched the kids. We did not travel, did not entertain, and had no family vacations for years – we had no money, no time, and were chronically tired. But the kids attended after-school programs and activities, so they were not deprived of anything. And both husband and I spent hours with them every day. I doubt we would be able to pull this off when we became older, and more accustomed to nice comfortable life. But it seemed very easy and natural back then.
The kids were still very young when I got my first ”real” job. At that time, we became much more comfortable financially, and could afford to do a lot of traveling and activities with the kids (no luxury hotels or dining, but we did not care). Fast forward, we became empty nesters in our fortieth, with two stable and successful professional careers. We never moved from our starter home, so we were able to pay off the mortgage by the time our oldest started college, therefore we could afford to pay college tuitions out of paychecks (paying one tuition at a time). And both kids grew up very thrifty – we could not afford to spoil them even if we wanted to. None of this was planned ahead, and I am so glad we did it this way. When we celebrated my recent anniversary, one of the kids said: mom, I keep forgetting how young you are, and this was the best thing I’ve heard in the entire day.
I also want to mention that we are not unique – I have many friends and colleagues who did exactly the same thing. Importantly, no one of them got divorced, lost both jobs simultaneously, or developed any debilitating condition – any of these had the potential to ruin their lives, but it’s hard to plan for those things. What would I advise my daughter? Probably not to worry too much about the timing or things she cannot control - it’s impossible to predict how your life would evolve. But I’d tell her to choose the best farther for her children she can possibly find. And, as I constantly tell both kids, to stay healthy, be safe, and don’t do anything stupid – everything else will follow.
Everything is expensive in NY