How would you feel about your kid marrying someone with large student loan?

Parents Forum
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<p>I think it depends on the amount of debt AND the job/income prospects.</p>

<p>If the the debt was huge $100k+ and the future spouse’s income potential was lowish, my H and I would be very concerned since the monthly payments for such debts requires an income of $140k+ in order to comfortably afford. I’m not sure how we would voice our concerns, but it would be hard not to say something.</p>

<p>*Now, if we are talking about a gambling debt, that’s an entirely different story. *</p>

<p>Sometimes borrowing huge amounts of money to go to dream schools that are no better (or not much better) than less expensive choices is a gamble. The resulting income may not justify the bid debt, if it’s the same no matter where the person went to school.</p>

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<p>mom2collegekids,</p>

<p>I am in agreement with you. I believe both of us are saying “it depends on the situation”.</p>

<p>I was reacting to an overly generalizing sentiment in many of the posts here.</p>

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<p>^^^^</p>

<p>I wasn’t disagreeing with you, either. :slight_smile: I was just kind of pointing out that taking out huge loans to go to dream schools and justifying the decision by thinking that you’ll make a lot more money that way, is a gamble. And, it’s a gamble that hardly every wins. VERY FEW professions require a person to attend a pricey dream schools. It would be hard to name 5 or 10 of such professions.</p>

<p>Now that I’ve read a few more posts, I would have to say to those who think that they “trust their kids” to make the right decision. Uhhh…how many of your friends are divorced? How many of your siblings are divorced? How many readers of this post (or your spouses) have been divorced? Weren’t all or many of these people the type that you could “trust” their decisions, but obviously their decisions about who to marry at one time weren’t the best. </p>

<p>And, since financial problems is the number one cause of divorce, it would almost be a derelict of duty not to speak up. My dad used to say, “When money problems come in the door, love goes out the window.” He noted that while working 35 years at a major company. And, when the cause of the money problems could be mainly placed on one of the spouses (and could have been avoidable), the marriage was pretty much doomed. </p>

<p>It’s one thing for a young person to think, “Oh, we’ll scrimp and paying off his/her loans won’t be a big deal.” But, it’s hard to imagine how resentful you’ll begin to feel 3 - 5 years later when those loans are preventing you from moving on in your life - buying a home, starting a family, etc…while all your peers are doing so.</p>

<p>That said, I think the “avoidable” part is important. If the huge loans were necessary to become a doctor, lawyer, or some other highly paid profession, then I probably wouldn’t say anything. However, if the huge loans were the result of someone just STUBBORNLY and IMMATURELY insisting on going to an unnecessary dream school (all else be d@mned), then it would speak to the character of the person and would be a window into what to expect in the marriage (but, It’s always been my dream to: buy a boat, go to Russia, buy a mountain cabin, by a beach house, ski in the Alps, etc, when those things are not affordable. Once someone has it in their head that they have a “right” to their dreams (at any cost), then it’s likely that person won’t make that great of a spouse.)</p>

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<p>Blossom - I’m totally with you. Maybe I’m just an old, unrealistic romantic, but I truly hope that the amount of college debt someone has just doesn’t come in to the picture when making the decision to marry. Both of my kids are still in college. At this point, we’re not quite sure exactly how much debt they’ll each have at graduation (how financial aid will work out for future years, how many of their student loans we’ll be able to “relieve” them of, etc.) I’m pretty sure neither of them will be facing huge debt amounts, but it kind of amazes me that there are people who would advise their children against marrying someone because of educational debt. And it REALLY creeps me out when I read people saying you should marry your “equal” - huh? Maybe that’s true for people to whom money is really, really important. But is that really what it’s all about? There are actually people out there (both rich and poor) who don’t put that much emphasis on money and other material things. I would hope my kids are among that group.</p>

<p>The only real marriage advice I’d give either my son or daughter: Marry someone you love the way they are (you don’t want to “change” them), who loves you the way you are (they don’t want to “change” you), who has the same values and ideals. (And hopefully it will be someone who is not asking their parents for advice on whether to marry someone with college debt!!) Sounds corny, but it does work. As always, just my opinion.</p>

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<p>This would be like wanting to marry Tiger Woods.</p>

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<p>You don’t know the way they are; only the way they appear.</p>

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<p>This is OP. I am glad this thread is being resurrected at this time, as many parents/students are making decisions on where to go next year. </p>

<p>This thread could very easily be - would you want to saddle your kid with so much debt that it becomes a liability when he/she wants to get married someday?</p>

<p>Many posters have said it depends on the situation. I do agree with that. Having a large debt to obtain a possible lucrative profession (ability to pay back) is different than having a large debt to chase one’s dream school. It demonstrates one’s ability to make good decisions. </p>

<p>Young people are generally more naive when it comes to day to day life. I still believe love could concur a lot of difficulties in life, but having a huge financial burden would just chip away at that love day in and day out.</p>

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<p>mom2collegekids: After reading your post I wanted to add one thing -</p>

<p>Sometimes decisions that one makes when they are young (18-21) are based on immaturity (as you mentioned in your post). From personal experience, I can say that the man I married was extremely financially irresponsible before we married. Of course, he was also young before we married. He didn’t come with alot of educational debt, but from the outside looking in, he might not have seemed like the best “financial” choice of spouses. I really knew him, though, and I knew his values and his true sense of responsibility. I had no doubt that he’d be a good husband and an excellent provider - even though some of the decisions he’d made in his younger days might not suggest that. I’m happy to say that 20+ years and 2 kids later I was definitely right. He’s done and excellent job of providing for our family. I guess I’m just saying that decisions made at a very young age that are based on “immaturity and stubborness” might not truly be the best indicator of someone’s future behavior. Really, I’m NOTHING like the person I was at 18 or 21. I was actually terribly spoiled at that age and I thought money was really important to me. I’m glad I met my husband a little later on so that I was mature enough to know what really mattered. People change - and the kid who decided to take on that debt to pay for his dream school might not be the exact same person 10 years down the line. I know I sound ridiculously idealistic, but that’s really how I feel.</p>

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<p>Sounds just like Philip Markoff. Wasn’t he a wonderful catch?</p>

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<p>**> Marry someone you love the way they are</p>

<p>You don’t know the way they are; only the way they appear.**</p>

<p>OK - if that’s how you feel, I think that’s really sad. It’s way too cynical for me.</p>

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<p>Agree, China.</p>

<p>I’d also like to speak out against the oft-repeated fallacy that your income must go up “proportionately” if debt does, that debt must never be more than X percent of income. That’s only true if you want to live the 100K or 140K or 200K lifestyle or whateve has been dictated by the formula. At one point, our monthly payments were probably half our income. As long as we could live on the other half, so what? And we could, because we kept our lifestyle in accordance to the net. Not a fashionable thing to do, perhaps, but it worked for us.</p>

<p>This is not to say this applies to anyone else, just that it’s not an unreasonable course to follow if someone like TXK chooses it. It’s possible.</p>

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<p>A bull market makes everyone look smart.</p>

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<p>BCEagle - now I don’t even understand what you’re trying to say^^^^^</p>

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<p>Who said this?</p>

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<p>There is a historical rule that mortgage debt shouldn’t be more than about 31% of income and this rule seems to be a good one based on historical financial analysis. We went into exotic finance products so that we could avoid this rule and the housing market came down like a house of cards.</p>

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<p>That’s all nice but what if your income gets cut in half or by two-thirds?</p>

<p>We purchased below what the formulas said too and watch the value of our house decline by fifty percent. The bank could have repossessed our home back in the 1980s because the loan was greater than the value of the home but they didn’t because we were making regular payments. A lot of people where I worked did get laid off and that could have happened to me as well.</p>

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<p>Read my earlier generational remarks.</p>

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<p>BCEagle - No offense, but I think I’ll pass on going back to read your “earlier generational remarks.”</p>

<p>Since</p>

<h1>1 - most of your posts seem to be about your magnificent financial success</h1>

<p>and </p>

<h1>2 - I seem to totally disagree with almost all of your non-financial opinions</h1>

<p>I’ll just imagine that whatever you said in your earlier post would be the polar opposite of how I feel.</p>

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<p>Untrue. Compute a percentage of financial success posts here to total posts and I think that you’ll find the percentage is quite small.</p>

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<p>I’m just a very pragmatic and analytical person.</p>

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<p>*As long as we could live on the other half, so what? *</p>

<p>True. But what if you couldn’t live on that other half? What if struggling to 'live on the other half" got old and caused resentment? What if struggling to live on the other half meant constantly justifying purchases to the other spouse who constantly questioned their validity? (That’s what often happens when money is tight for awhile. Each spouse thinks his/her expenses are “needed,” while the other spouse is rolling his/her eyes. </p>

<p>And, as hard as many of us have tried to not raise spoiled kids (my kids don’t get everything they want - not even close), this generation of kids have had a lot more “things” than I/we ever had. Many things that are really luxuries, have become “must haves” to this generation. That will make it harder for this generation to live “cheaply” when money is tight.</p>

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<p>I married a guy who had dropped out of college and spent the year hanging out on his parent’s couch. When we met, he was a produce-washer attending community college part-time and living in a communal hovel, and didn’t have a nickel to his name. I wasn’t much better - had a degree in DANCE (that’s lucrative!), and was living at my parent’s house and cashiering at the same store he worked at, with both of us making just above minimum wage. We moved into a slum hovel apartment (complete with roach infestation) and got married. Three months later, we were pregnant. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me, but my parents and his didn’t blink an eye, and it all worked out beautifully. We raised our kids on garage sales, free events, and a we-all-work-together commitment. 25+ years later, we have two beautiful children, Master’s degrees, gainful and productive employment, have almost finished putting our kids through college, and have a lovely house (which probably looks like a cottage to some of you! ;)) And how is this relevent… well, it seemed so at the time that I started typing :wink: and I just want to reassure TxK that it can work out well - even with only a little money.</p>

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<p>^^^</p>

<p>:)</p>

<p>Yes, it worked out well for you :slight_smile: </p>

<p>But, I don’t think that what worked out for our generation can necessarily work out for the next. This generation is just used to having more discretionary money. Our generation wouldn’t have thought of carrying designer bags to college classes, or spending $120 on hair streaks, etc. </p>

<p>Yes, there are exceptions in this generation, but go on virtually any college campus and you’ll see thousands of kids wearing top brand clothes, pricey sunglasses, Sperry’s, Rainbows, and UGGs, and carrying Coach/Juicy/etc purses. I just don’t think many of them would adjust well to “year after year” scrimping and going without.</p>

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<p>I’m sure there was some anxious eye-blinking done by the parents in private, anxiousmom! :)</p>

<p>Having a spouse that is sober, ambitious, hard-working and committed to the family can make up for a lot “dings” that a spouse may bring to a marriage.</p>