How would you feel about your kid marrying someone with large student loan?

Parents Forum
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<p>^^^</p>

<p>Oh yes, the unknown child support obligation. I know a young woman who’s husband found out that a one night stand (shortly before she and her H met) resulted in a child. In this case, the husband was contacted after he was married to take the paternity test. They’ve been paying $600 a month child support ever since paternity test confirmed. The wife is furious because her H refuses to economize at all to pay for his mistake and long-term obligation (I would have insisted that he get a second job to pay for this. LOL). Instead, she’s the one doing all the economizing. That marriage will not last, I don’t think.</p>

<p>But, back to the topic at hand…marrying someone with a large student loan. :)</p>

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<p>it is grand</p>

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<p>Mom2collegekids: It’s Jane “Austen,” the character is Mr. “Darcy.” That is not what I meant- although I was certainly a little cryptic. I meant the parental angst about the economic status of the potential mate reminds me of Austen. These kinds of anxieties are practically traditional in the “bourgeoisie” , and are just taking new forms. Of course, on the other hand, the mother in “Pride and Prejudice” is a figure of ridicule, as well as occasional sympathy.</p>

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<p>Tony…I couldn’t identify more with your position. Thats how I felt and still feel. But I now have a close relation who found themself utterly deceived. Probably 99.9% of couples know each other well, and this would be ridiculous. I know of one where it would have saved a lot of pain. </p>

<p>In a full disclosure situation, the marriage would never have taken place. I frankly agree with your sentiment. I would think that asking for a credit report would be indicative of a lack of trust. BUT…I have seen the fallout from this exact situation, and while it didn’t hurt me, it did hurt someone close to me a lot. I agree that I would feel a little odd if I were asked about this.</p>

<p>As your reaction expresses, this is rare…but not impossible.</p>

<p>As far as these concerns being reflective of the bourgeoisie…that is probably the case in 99% of the cases. In this case it was serious and the aggreived spouse quickly came to painful grips with the need to end the marriage essentially before it began.</p>

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<p>After re-reading this post, it is obvious that I’ve mixed two very different things. I’m talking about finding out you have not been treated with honesty…in this case with respect to loans. The thread topic really is about what happens when you have someone who is forthright.</p>

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<p>Kinda related: TheMom insisted that I get auto insurance. I simply couldn’t afford it when I was single on the wages I was making and no car in LA was not an option. With dual incomes, it worked.</p>

<p>I’m still mulling over the premise of this thread, my D getting married. I guess if he has large student loans he must be a doctor…</p>

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<p>^^or the current President or First Lady of the United States. I recall reading they finally paid off their student loans a few years before moving into the White House. So it all works out, really.</p>

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<p>You have a choice about car insurance in CA? I thought it was mandated everywhere.</p>

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<p>I’m still surprised about how much control/choice people feel they have.</p>

<p>I guess I am more fatalistic – and feel we are swept along by our fates to some degree, that our futures are already written. I’ve experienced this.</p>

<p>And with professions coming and going, health unpredictable, love coming and going, so many other variables out of our control I still haven’t read a good argument for privileging student loans as a special focus.</p>

<p>Or do the folks who favor credit report exchange et al also favor submitted health care forms, psychological tests, and an employment evaluation? All equally relevant.</p>

<p>Dear friend got left one month after she had a child. Her husband had simply “fallen in love with someone else” whom he subsequently married and had three more children with.</p>

<p>He is quite well-heeled. No debt. Owns a multi-million year business. </p>

<p>She has raised a daughter alone and is quite bitter. I think she would have much preferred the debt, and there are million stories in the big city and Sgt. Friday used to say.</p>

<p>My H lost $300,000.00 while we were married behind my back, hiding it from me. He had no student debt. He signed our names to loans so it was my debt too.</p>

<p>It was shocking; one of the worst (if not the worst) things that ever happened to me, but it has also been the best thing. Working our way out of that and my finding out I could be more resourceful and forgiving than I ever thought I could has been the best experience of my life.</p>

<p>We are not only material entities; we are spiritual entities too. And we really have no idea of what our life lessons are going into it.</p>

<p>If the perspective son or daughter in-law was forthright, diligent, responsible, good natured and intelligent I would probably project that all would be well.</p>

<p>If the perspective in-law were entitled, deceitful, shiftless, sullen and unrealistic I would be worried, no matter what the debt situation was.</p>

<p>The most unpleasant and irresponsible young person S has met at his elite LAC is the son of a billionaire. His sense of entitlement is very disturbing. Maybe Mrs. Bennett would be happy of her D married him, I would not be.</p>

<p>I’d rather have a boy with student debt for my D.</p>

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<p>*It’s Jane “Austen,” the character is Mr. “Darcy.” *</p>

<p>yes, I know it’s AUSTEN and DARCY…I typed without my glasses on to catch my typos. LOL I’ve read that book probably 10 times along with many other Austen books. LOL</p>

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<p>I don’t expect either of my kids to request permission for whom they marry, so this may be a moot question.</p>

<p>Fortunately, so far they have been sensible in their dating lives and I would hope that when it comes to a commitment, the same would apply. I hope that whomever they would be serious with would not have been reckless financially. </p>

<p>Taking out huge loans to attend a private school *when an excellent state school was available *would *possibly <a href=“situation%20dependent”>/I</a> be an example of being reckless with money. I know that my D is pretty practical and I would have confidence in her evaluation of any such situation. My son’s girlfriend turned down an Ivy admission to attend an excellent state school honors program. (But she has vet school in her plans.)</p>

<p>I also hope that neither ends up with someone who has an “entitlement” mentality.</p>

<p>My own kids have relatively modest Stafford loans.</p>

<p>I do want to say, however, that there is another side to seeing those with no student loans as “ideal” candidates. D dated a (very nice) young man whose family was quite financially comfortable. However, his parents used money as a control device – their generosity came with its own price. It would quite likely have been a major force in any future with this guy. I could imagine scenarios such as “We will give you money for a downpayment on a house as long as it is where we want you to live (i.e. near us).” </p>

<p>At least student loans come with only repayment strings – which are eventually gone. Some “bargains” are not worth the actual lifetime price.</p>

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<p>Garland, I met TheMom long enough ago that car insurance wasn’t mandated. It was also pre-Google, pre-Facebook, pre-hi-def…why, it was like a different planet.</p>

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<p>p3t makes an excellent point about medical coverage. We timed our wedding so that it was three days before I lost my coverage from my parents. Risk aversion has its place!</p>

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<p>I know several students that are attending expensive private LAC “dream schools” OOS and we have one of the best state college systems in the country. These students tried and failed to get into the flagship school and so they and their parents take out massive loans. The parents of these kids seem to require the best in other things too such as expensive suv’s, BMW’s and expensive vacations. They carry huge credit card balances in order to fund a life style they cannot afford, particulary in harder economic times.
So they live in a hole they have dug and their children dig their own hole as though massive indebtedness is a normal way to live. I would not want my daughter to adopt this lifestyle by marrying anyone who was a poor money manager. A little debt is understandable but my husband and I have not sacrificed for our daughter’s college expenses since she was born to have her assume someone else’s extravagant OOS undergrad “dream school” loans. Professional loans and graduate school loans are much more understandable.</p>

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<p>Even so, I don’t see how parents can do much more than suggest. We may prefer this or that in our in-laws, but I don’t see how we can dictate to our children.</p>

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<p>The thing to do is to talk to them or instill the concept of care while they are teenagers.</p>

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<p>That’s my view too. I wouldn’t cut off communication with my kid in a situation like this. I also like to think that I could be open minded and not make assumptions about the future spouse.</p>

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<p>mythmom, I do agree with you. Also, I have seen 2 parents dictate only to force their child into what felt like the wrong decision to the child (close family situation). Even though the parents meant for the very best, their child was most unhappy for years. The parents forced their child into a life altering decision. Everyone will come with some form of baggage anyway. Not everything going into a marriage will be perfect, and then there will be twists and turns through life.</p>

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<p>*Even so, I don’t see how parents can do much more than suggest. We may prefer this or that in our in-laws, but I don’t see how we can dictate to our children. *</p>

<p>The title of this thread is “how would you feel…” </p>

<p>The thread’s title is not: “How would you prevent,” or “Would you refuse permission,” or “How would you dictate.”</p>

<p>This is just a discussion of how you would feel, would you “speak up,” and if you did speak up, what would you say, and why such debt is dangerous to the happiness of a marriage. </p>

<p>Some seem to think that by believing that *irresponsible, big *debt is dangerous to a marriage, that must mean that marrying a liar, cheater, lazy jerk is better. No one is suggesting that. (The key words are irresponsible, big debt, which means a level of debt that isn’t manageable based on income potential or wasn’t necessary because less expensive, but very good options were available.) Obviously, it’s better to marry someone with a big school debt than to marry a “bad person.” However, either way can be risky and lead to unhappy or failed marriages.</p>

<p>And, no one is suggesting that someone who is “loan free” is automatically the perfect future spouse. We don’t need to be debating red herrings. :slight_smile: LOL</p>

<p>*The thing to do is to talk to them or instill the concept of care while they are teenagers. *</p>

<p>I agree…but the time to start that is before the teen years. By the time kids are teens, many have the “gimmes”.</p>

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<p>Twenty five years ago this month I married a man with massive student debt and I took on his debt as part of the package of him. If we had stayed on the original repayment plan, we would make the last of his student loan payment 27 years later, the month that S1 graduates from college. We used to joke that we would just take the payment amount and roll it over pay sons’ loans. We lived frugally, we made choices that friends and family sometime found strange, but we paid off the debt in less then 10 years. Three months earlier a good friend married a man with no student debt and a high paying job. Within ten years they had declared bankrupcy, lost a business, were foreclosed on. They are still digging themselves out of that hole. So you never know.</p>

<p>And another thought, if we don’t let our children marry people with student loan debt, that will narrow the pool of eligiable candidates to almost zero. So Oldfort may end up with no grandkids!</p>

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<p>1) Don’t let? How do you do that?
2) I have to think that there are large numbers of kids that graduate with no debt. The subprime mess killed $15 trillion in household net worth. That’s 300 million years of full-pay college. We’re busy trying to reflate that.
3) We could just pay off a prospective s/d in-law’s debt and I’m sure that there are many families that would do that</p>