<p>We don’t need to be debating straw man arguments. :)</p>
<p>no one is suggesting that we won’t be “letting” our children marry someone with student loan debt.</p>
<p>no one is suggesting that our kids shouldn’t marry someone with some student loan debt.</p>
<p>The concern is LARGE student loans, which has been further defined by the OP (I think) and others that it depends on the future spouses’ likely earnings to justify such debt. I think those on this board have largely agreed that it’s understandable that someone might have large debt from med/law/business/grad school. That is different; such students typically have a much greater earning power.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t let my fiance’s parents pay off my debts for me even if they could, especially not debts that I did not take on jointly with their son. I don’t feel it would be appropriate.</p>
<p>BC Eagle, It would be a very generous and nice idea in such a case if one can feel comfortable helping in such a way. I know of inlaws/parents who would prefer to spend 100,000+ for something like a child’s golf club membership (perhaps unwanted) than to help with something more practical like student loans.</p>
<p>We are not obligated to accept anything from his parents just because we got married. If I told him I was not comfortable, he would not take the money either. We wouldn’t be getting married if we couldn’t agree on financial matters.</p>
<p>I would note that there is a difference, in my mind, between accepting smaller sums of money in an emergency and accepting a bailout when I am perfectly capable of living modestly and paying myself over time.</p>
<p>This thread gives an interesting dimension on a different discussion I was having in another forum. "Would you have reservations if you or your child marry someone much much wealthier ? "</p>
<p>Large ANY KIND of debt is discomforting. Most of us would prefer that our children are in good shape financially, and marrying someone who owes a lot of money does affect finances. </p>
<p>My good friend’s daughter who has landed a great job with a major law firm and is making more than the Obama proposed threshhold had a tremendous amount of student debt from both undergraduate and law schools. However, it is worth it to her, given the current job she has as a result of her loans. Her fiancee has far less in loans but is also making far less money without any outstanding prospects of making a big salary. That is a concern that my friend has, as it does limit some options. Both she and I had the option to stay home with our children, and still have a secure financial life with enough money to pretty much fund what we wanted. Her daughter would have to be the primary breadwinner or live on a very tight budget since her intended does not have high paying prospects and they do have those student loans outstanding.</p>
<p>Well, my D wants to go that route too as your friend’s D and really wants a “big” career.</p>
<p>I turned down my IVY grad acceptance and went to a very low key grad program and did not get the job offers I could have. </p>
<p>But I found I preferred being with the kids to chasing publishing, conferences and the big career.</p>
<p>But if one does not choose the loan and the prestigious school one is losing options too. It’s just hard to make this decision when one is young.</p>
<p>It’s hard to know how you’ll feel when you see those kids until they’re here.</p>
<p>My H hated his job; I liked mine. He was going to stay home and I was going to work for a few years. I also made more money than he did.</p>
<p>I took one look at our new baby daughter and I didn’t want to leave her. He took one look at her and didn’t want to stay home.</p>
<p>He had to switch our plans. And we me at home our income did go way down. We accrued about $20,000 in debt for the four years I stayed home with both kids, but when I went back to my tenure-track college teaching job (not for the money but for the future – my leave was up and it was then or never) we paid off the debt pretty easily.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have traded those four years at home for anything. Absolutely happiest years of my life.</p>
<p>So, that’s another example of a situation in which debt wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened.</p>
<p>H and I were in agreement there.</p>
<p>Going back to work was hard, but I was afraid I’d never find another tenure track position, and I probably wouldn’t have. In hindsight I did make the right decision.</p>
<p>I know of 3 marriages that I can immediately think of that are similar where dad had lower income potential than mom and the couples seem very happy and the marriages have actually endured through many years. In 2 of the cases the women have unusual musical talent that has allowed them to enjoy a much higher salary than their husbands. The third family is a situation where mom just landed a high powered job and the entire family (young children and husband) all relocated to another part of the country. This meant that DH ended up being a stay at home dad, either by choice or because he could not find work, while mom worked full time. This situation lasted many years and when the youngest child was in middle school dad went back to work too. The three couples are all still married, but I do not know anything about their student loan situation.</p>
Probably no, but I never had to test that theory. However, my mom/aunt did get to test that theory and my grandmother showed preference for the non-wealthier guys. My grandmother theorized that my mom and aunt had much less kowtowing to do and they could be much happier in their skin.</p>
<p>Tough to know how that would be since so far, both of my kids have generally had friends with roughly comparable socio-economic situation. Neither has dated much, so we shall see how life evolves.</p>
<p>My D will have huge loans as she is attending med school and funding it exclusively through loans. Drs. will not be making huge salaries by the time she is in practice, except for some specialists and she wants to be a primary care provider. </p>
<p>I hope someone will want to marry her and as a couple pay off her med school debts. If she marries another dr., they will have double the debt. It’s scary.</p>
<p>This is long, I’m sorry. How would you feel if your child married someone who refused to pay their loan debt, but didn’t want them to work either?</p>
<p>DH came from a very large, blue-collar family – think “stairstep” children – Irish twins times 4. Parents valued education and wanted to send every one to Catholic school and college. They qualified for Pells, etc, got good financial aid and merit. Some of them chose private LACs, others state schools, they all ended up with max allowable subsidized loans at the time. It was the whopping equivalent of a lower priced car at the end of 4 years. DH and I married young and with nothing to begin with but debt (nothing on that assets and liabilities worksheet but his liabilities), and our wedding present money which did not amount to much.</p>
<p>When I married DH I did not think twice about the debt – not until now that I have children who will marry eventually, and the topic came up on this forum. I brought no debt to the marriage, and came from a white-collar background – third generation college educated. My parents never even asked about his debt, and I gladly helped and jointly paid for it. But, it was also not DEBT. To me, it equated to a reasonable amount owed for the education obtained - education that we jointly benefited from financially</p>
<p>DH’s older sister married at the same time, roughly, and owed the same amount as my DH. Her husband’s family looked very negatively on her debt. Her husband would publicly state that he thought DH’s family should be responsible for her debt (at this point in time, DH’s family had 5 kids with this level of debt - it was a laughable notion that they could pay it). He was also making more money than DH and I together. He also stated that ‘no wife of his would work while they had kids’ DH’s sis had gotten pregnant immediately and became a SAHM, had a second child right after the first – and he refused to pay her loans. She ended up with extremely bad credit – and essentially, enslaved. She did daycare under the table to help with family expenses, yet he would still not pay her loans. They divorced when the kids were 9 and 11 – she had never worked, she obtained ½ of no assets, could not get a decent job, and became a terrible alcoholic – she did get $1500 in alimony for a few years and some child support for the one child she had custody of. Alimony is long gone now and life is very hard. I admire her fight with the alcoholism, and that’s been kept at bay through great effort.</p>
<p>What a sad story. I’m trying to understand why she’d have married a guy who proclaimed that her debt was really her family’s debt (and, considering how it turned out, she probably wonders the same thing). Her debt is, or was, her debt. In our marriage, we pooled our resources to repay our school loans, so they became, in effect, our debt - but we chose to do it that way. I can certainly see couples deciding that each will be responsible for their individual school loans. But they can’t be repaid without an income. At least she’s rid of the guy.</p>
<p>I mean this in a good-natured way, so don’t get excited, but I sure hope some of you are just using this anonymous internet board as a way to blow off steam.</p>
<p>I cannot think of a quicker way to alienate my kids (18 and 20) than to yak at them about the financial history and prospects of the people they date. About 2 1/2 years ago a beautiful, fun, very smart, sociable, academically serious and affectionate young lady put herself in my son’s path; guarantee, he did not quiz her about her attitude toward student debt. As it happens, son will graduate with zero debt and money in the bank because he chose to accept a great merit scholarship, and the young lady is planning for medical school, private if need be. I don’t think that fact cools the ardor. I sure won’t be mentioning it if they stay together.</p>
<p>Now, I might be more worried if the situation entailed a great deal of undergraduate debt, but I still wouldn’t be mentioning it.</p>
<p>When you get married isn’t any debt brought to the marriage legally now both of your debts? Can a prenup that states you are not responsible for your spouses premarriage debt legally be binding?</p>
<p>Re midmo:I am not sure I would ask either. Both my kids are very private.</p>
<p>I have and will continue to talk about money in general as both kids have never had any classes in finance. We talk about 401 ks, roths, loans, interest etc.</p>
<p>After some thought, I have never talked about the $$ part, but boy, I was all over one former boyfriend for being a liar and unethical opportunist…</p>
<p>I guess I am more worried about other things…</p>
<p>H and I knew very little about money and never really asked for help from parents even though my dad was a banker. If financial discussion was offered I must have ignored it as a very independent 23 yr old hard head. (sad to say)</p>
<p>I hope TwistedxKiss and Columbia_Student reconsider their attitudes about in-laws paying off their student debt. I know my parents have come to love my husband. They also have the attitude that they have lots of extra money and they’d rather give it to us now when they can see us enjoy it than wait till they are dead when much of it will get eaten up by estate taxes. It’s not a hardship to them to give us money and in fact it gives them pleasure. It would be mean of us to deny them that.</p>
<p>Mythmom *I took one look at our new baby daughter and I didn’t want to leave her. *</p>
<p>That’s another fear of having too large of student loans. A new parent may want to stay home with their tiny one, but not be able to because of a huge loan. Or, a new baby might have special needs and require constant parental care.</p>
<p>Mythmom, if you had had a huge student loan at the time, would you have been able to stay home?</p>
<p>BTW…I had the same feeling when I first saw our first son. My H immediately said, if you want to stay home with him you can. Thank you hubby! <3</p>