I am deployed/I need somone to proof read, and give feedback on my transfer essay

<p>Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.</p>

<p>Beep, beep, beep! After only a measly four hours of sleep, it’s time to prepare for another strenuous day. I found myself juggling three jobs after high school to make ends meet, and also help my parents. With my nose to the grindstone, I was hardly satisfied. I opted for college, but did not have the time or money. I felt like my intelligence was going a waste. One day, I talked to an Air Force recruiter and from there on out, I knew I wanted to be an Airman in the U.S. Air Force. I admired the thought to serve my country, leave the nest, and to explore the world to take on new challenges in life. I answered the call to serve! The military has opened many windows of opportunity. None, more important than helping me earn a college degree! I will transfer all my hard work from my military endeavors into my academic endeavors and I will succeed. </p>

<p>My military endeavors have taken me to some extraordinary places, but New England will always be a place I call home. Being close to family and childhood friends, I can’t think of a better place to earn my degree. Northwest Florida State College is a fine institution that accommodated all of my military obligations, but I will be moving back to New England after I separate from the Air Force. Distance learning is out of the question for me. I prefer the face to face feel of a traditional classroom setting. A transition to Merrimack College will lead to not only a brighter career, but also to provide preparation to face life’s obstacles along the way. </p>

<p>A core value we live by in the Air Force is “service before self.” We hold the service’s needs above our own. This is a value I plan to translate into my every day study habits. I will do anything and everything in my power to achieve academic excellence. I have been involved with various volunteering opportunities while in the service. This is something I aim to continue, along with participating in many extracurricular activities. It feels self fulfilling to give back to a community that has supported me over the years. </p>

<p>With the economy as awful as it has been, it’s getting difficult to find a good job. Employers are seeking unique well educated professionals. The military has taught me many intangibles that are deemed valuable in the civilian work force. A college degree in conjunction with these values will be evident to the employers that I am the distinctive candidate they’re seeking. Furthermore, I plan on participating in ROTC to possibly assume a military future as a commissioned officer.</p>

<p>I am always aspiring to be better than I was yesterday. Completing my college degree is next up in line. My eagerness to learn is truly unparalleled. With the thought of continuing my college education, I wake up with an enormous grin of excitement each and every morning. The road ahead will surely be a difficult one, but I am confident that an education combined with my military experiences will make me a thorough individual able to tackle any challenge. Having been a New England resident for 20 years, I am very familiar with Merrimack’s excellent reputation, and I would be honored to be a part of your institution. As a potential student I hope that you will see my drive, dedication, and eagerness to succeed. Thank you for your consideration.</p>

<pre><code> -James Hardy
</code></pre>

<p>Any help will be appreciated!</p>

<p>I like the introduction but I think it would carry more weight if you changed the punctuation. Maybe to, “Beep. Beep. Beep.” or</p>

<p>"Beep.</p>

<p>Beep.</p>

<p>Beep.</p>

<p>The sky was still dark and the air was stagnant and quiet. My eyes were half-closed–trying to awaken after only four hours of sleep–and the day was already starting again. These were typical mornings for me: After graduating, I found myself juggling three jobs to make ends meet and help my parents. With my nose to the grindstone, I was hardly satisfied."</p>

<p>I opted for college but did not have the time or money >> pretty sure no comma is needed. </p>

<p>None, more important than helping me earn a college degree! >> no necessary comma. And it’s a fragment. Consider combining it. “The military has opened many windows of opportunity—none more important that helping me get a college degree.”</p>

<p>Punctuation: I’m not a big fan of exclamation marks. I would also combine a couple sentences to make them more complex.</p>

<p>A couple of sentences come off, “Well, I want to go to college because of the opportunities.” which is kind of generic and slightly insincere. I think it needs to be slightly more, “The military has prepared me for your institution ~ I’ve gained valuable life experience ~ It’s helped me establish a drive and motivation to be happy and I’ve realized that the only way I’ll be happy is if I push myself to be the very best, highest achieving version of myself possible. Studying at your highly esteemed institution will be more than an honor and a degree from Merrimack will be more than just paper: it will be my passport into a bright, successful future.” </p>

<p>I don’t know. I’m just spitballin’ here but I think you’ve got an amazing story to tell. It might make it a little more realistic to them–a bit easier to relate to–if you present it like a narrative instead of a formal essay. </p>

<p>Everything you wrote about concerning your time at the Air Force is wonderful. I especially love the part about “service before self.” That’s just my two cents. Good luck!</p>