I’m starting my second semester in college, and I’ve had a really hard time making friends. I was in a STEM program before my freshman year started and I made friends there, but right after the program most of us didn’t keep in contact despite a text here and there discussing courses. One of my closest friends here and I just fell out because she was always telling me she was busy, never answering her phone, and then her or one of her friends would post a picture or tweet about them hanging out.
In high school, I was one of the “popular” kids, however this was easy because my school only had 1,000 people. I got along with almost everyone, so I was popular because I talked to a lot of people. I had a friend I’d known since fifth grade but most of my friends I met during high school, and making new friends wasn’t hard for me.
Now I go to a college out of state, and to reach my old friends would take a flight or a 17 hour drive. I live with other Honors students in a living learning community, but everyone on my hall floor is cliquey and I spent so much time studying the first semester that I barely had a chance to do any activities or hang out in our common area.
I guess what I don’t understand is why I’m unable to make friends. I have a heavy courseload, taking 15 credit hours a week, but all I do other than that is sleep. I barely use my meal plan and just buy food I can eat in my dorm room because I get anxious when I have to eat alone because I know everyone else around me is having a good time with their friends.
Even though I live with other Honors students, nobody really has the same priorities as me. I tend to get along with older people better but older people already have solid friendships. I’ve gotten along with my TA’s and RA’s better than any of my peers. I know people say to join clubs, go to events, etc., but it seems every time I go anywhere other people are there with their friends. Does anyone else have any suggestions on what I can do?
I should also note that I tend to have RBF–but my mouth literally is shaped downward, what am I supposed to do? I have goals and I wish people would realize that hanging out to me is grabbing a meal or studying, unless it’s the weekend. My mom says freshmen just want to party, and if you’re not into that they tend to move along. I go to a big school around 40,000 students.
Push yourself to eat at least one meal a day in the cafeteria. Ask one dorm mate to join you for lunch on Wed, or at 4:30 take a break and go to the lounge to see if anyone wants to go to dinner.
You have to give a little too. You say you like studying all the time, but other people don’t want to do that. Ask someone to go see a movie or event at the student union.
I’d say first make a priority to go for a walk (or hit the gym if you are into that) once a day. The more your just study and sleep (and eat in your room), the worse the blues will get. Walking or running on a treadmill is not something you have to do with others, so hopefully that won’t make you anxious.
Then try an activity that you enjoy like an intramural team, club or volunteering. It takes time to make friends. It’s ok and normal to feel sad for awhile while you are establishing a new friend group.
twoinanddone; I get what you’re saying. I don’t enjoy studying all the time, I just don’t really have an option because I’m taking 15 credit hours of science and math. I want to go out and do things, but I go home on the weekends to volunteer and during the week I always have an assignment due.
So what part of your time are you willing to give up to be a friend? Making friends and being a good friend takes time, and you may not have any to spare. Even as an adult I have to make time to see my friends. Honestly, I don’t always want to go to the basketball game with a friend who has season tickets but I try to go occasionally because she likes it. Sometimes I pick up a friend who can’t drive at night so she can go along to the activity. It’s not convenient for me and takes my time.
You need to examine your schedule. Meal time may be the only time you have to socialize. You may have to stay on campus on weekends.
By the way, 15 credits is average for a full time student. Other students do find time to have a social life too.
I’m sorry you are having trouble making friends. It’s not like you, as you said. The fact you’re reaching out is great. Here’s what I think you should do:
First, i saw a post on CC posted by @MaineLonghorn It’s a crisis text hotline, and it’s for any crisis. Here is the text from that post.
“I’m trying to get the word out about this important resource for our kids. I know mine are appalled at the idea of making a phone call, so giving out a crisis phone number isn’t very effective.
To access the crisis text line, they simply text HOME to 741741 and a trained volunteer will respond. Their website: https://www.crisistextline.org/purpose/
Next, it’s so so so so important that you get involved at your college. That is key. 15 hours is a normal schedule. Here is what you should commit to do:
A. Join a club. Any club. Go to the meetings.
B. Volunteer. Every week. Pick something. Put yourself on their schedule, in that they are counting on you It could be walking dogs at a local shelter, reading a book to seniors or children. It could be helping stock shelves at a church thrift store. Anything. But do this.
C. Get out of your room to eat.
D. Join a study group for your major or classes.
E. Go to office hours for your professors. Talk with them. You can learn something and build a friendship. You will meet other students with same interests.
F. Have you considered joining a social sorority? Campuses are doing either formal or informal recruitment.
I had never heard of RBF before and had to Google it - funny. I learned something new, thanks for that. I also watched a video about it at a website called Science of People. The woman had some tips on using make-up that seemed like they would work.
Ironically, students who were very successful socially in high school often have a harder time feeling good about their social life in the first year of college. There are various things that contribute-among them-they under-estimate how much they came to rely on their high school buddies. They are used to having a lot of peer support.They forget how long it took to develop their group of friends-often the group grew over years. In contrast, those less successful socially in high school are happy enough to encounter even a couple of people they have something in common with. They don’t expect to build up a solid social group quickly. The students who were socially successful also feel no need to glom onto others in the first week of the first semester whereas many less confident students who were somewhat success socially in high school do glom onto other-often each other. And when they glom onto each other and move from activity to activity as a pack, it looks to others that groups have already formed and they are shut out. But that isn’t true. And by the end of college most students won’t end up close to those they hung out with in those first few months of college.
So, the message here is to do some things listed above but also to be patient, don’t panic, don’t lose faith in your social skills. Keep connections (email, text, Skype/Facetime phone) with those from your past but continue to explore different possibilities at college. One semester may seem like you’ve been at college forever but by the time you graduate you will hardly remember it.
Are you going home every weekend? That is Huge factor in not making friends.
Choose to get a part time job on campus which will force some interaction. Or join a volunteer group that is very active consistently, meets at least weekly.
Or go to a coffee shop nearby at same time each day. You might click with other regulars who show up consistently.
Have someone bake and send you a care package. Walk around your hall offering homemade cookies to others. That gives you a good reason to knock on doors.
Even if you are not religious, you can go to a campus group event sponsored by the student baptist group or whatever. Those leaders are eager to connect with new folks. Doesn’t mean they will force religion on you the first time you go, and maybe you can connect with some students there.
@stxrgirl - Another point relating to your comment about being anxious is a matter of perspective. I also remember times sitting by myself and telling myself that I needed to “be more social”, but then actually feeling worse! I think what happens sometimes when we are under pressure is that our world contracts (think that great early ST:TNG episode with Beverely Crusher and the collapsing “warp bubble”) and then everything revolves around ourselves. This is also a hallmark or some types of mental illness. The solution I found that worked for me was to make myself feel “insignificant”, in the sense of the feeling of looking out on the Grand Canyon. Imagine all the billions of galaxies and the accelerating expansion of the Big Bang meaning the our own “universe” is just one of many, possible infinite “universes”, and that we ourselves are infinitesimals, having no interesting appearance or characteristics that anyone (or anything) would care about or find noteworthy. Telling myself this when I have felt anxious seems to work instantly, and makes basic things like making eye contact and smiling a lot more natural. (It probably also helps my own “resting b@stard face” )
@stxrgirl - Another point relating to your comment about being anxious is a matter of perspective. I also remember times sitting by myself and telling myself that I needed to “be more social”, but then actually feeling worse! I think what happens sometimes when we are under pressure is that our world contracts (think that great early ST:TNG episode with Beverely Crusher and the collapsing “warp bubble”) and then everything revolves around ourselves. This is also a hallmark or some types of mental illness. The solution I found that worked for me was to make myself feel “insignificant”, in the sense of the feeling of looking out on the Grand Canyon. Imagine all the billions of galaxies and the accelerating expansion of the Big Bang meaning the our own “universe” is just one of many, possible infinite “universes”, and that we ourselves are infinitesimals, having no interesting appearance or characteristics that anyone (or anything) would care about or find noteworthy. Telling myself this when I have felt anxious seems to work instantly, and makes basic things like making eye contact and smiling a lot more natural. (It probably also helps my own “resting ■■■■■■■ face” )
Do not do this! Weekends are more relaxed, with people having more time to hang out. Stay on campus. Volunteer on campus. Just this one step could make a world of difference for you.
I didn’t make friends until my parents refused to come get me for weekends after about 8 weeks into school. Weekends are times to hang out and if you’re not there, it’s hard. I know this isn’t easy, but you need to change your mindset where you assume what other people think or feel. Just because someone is sitting with a group at a meal doesn’t mean they are joined at the hip with the people.
Don’t equate joining clubs with making instant friends - give it some time. If it fits your interest, join a religious group or a service group/opportunity. That gives you a common goal and these groups tend to be welcoming. Religious groups often have a leader/chaplain whose job it is to help to integrate into the group.
@stxrgirl – Sorry you are going through this. I agree with @powercropper and @suzy100 that the going home on the weekends is the problem. The weekends are the friend time and the social time especially for those with a lot of difficult or homework heavy classes. Try to SHIFT YOUR LIFE (social, volunteering, friends, etc) from HOME TO SCHOOL and that will make a huge difference
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