I am a second semester freshman at a school of more than 20,000. I have no friends here and feel incredibly lonely. I had a great friend group in high school, but there is no one from my high school at my college. I don’t like my suitemates and they don’t like me, my roommate is reserved and doesn’t really care for me either. I am shy and introverted, and have some pretty bad anxiety at times (can’t talk in class without having a panic attack, etc). Everyone around me has already formed friend groups, many just hang out with their high school friends, and I just don’t fit in here. The other students here all seem to fit a mold that I do not fit at all, I don’t click with anyone here. I try to just focus on schoolwork but it’s hard when I eat alone, can’t bring myself to participate in class discussion, and sometimes go all day without talking to a single person. I know everyone just says to join a club, but I tried joining one only to hate it, and there are no more clubs that I’m even remotely interested in. I am so shy I literally cannot talk to someone unless they talk to me first, so I can’t exactly “put myself out there.” I cannot emphasize how bad my anxiety is - I am too anxious to even go to a counselor. It’s not going to happen. Joining a club and going to events just aren’t options for me. With this in mind, does anyone have any advice?
I rarely suggest this but you might consider taking a leave from college (perhaps after this semester if you have started already) and working intensively on your anxiety issues with a therapist at home. If you are unwilling to seek counseling at school, start a conversation with another person, join a club, participate in class, or otherwise engage then you may not be emotionally prepared to have a good experience living away from home for college.
Maybe volunteering or a job? Something you do alongside people that sparks conversation naturally.
Thank you. To clarify, I don’t hate being in college, and I like my classes. I never had issues like this in high school but college seems to have brought out and intensified my shyness/anxiety, which is frustrating. I honestly wasn’t that shy or anxious until this year. I’ve never had problems making friends before, but I’m just not sure what to do now- I honestly tried my best to put myself out there at the beginning of the year, but apparently it just didn’t work.
Your anxiety might be exacerbated by your feelings of isolation (and vice versa). Have you tried making an appointment at the school’s counseling center? If you have a good relationship with your advisor, you could also talk to him/her. Another option is to ask over at the student affairs office if there’s someone you can talk to. Basically, see what support resources exist that might be able to help.
UPDATE: I made no real/close friends this year and missed the chance to join clubs but I got through it and learned how to live with being very alone. Good luck to everyone entering college, I hope you all have a better experience than me.
@oprah2020 same
The first step is seeking help for your anxiety, but . . . . . . .
You don’t seem to have the confidence to participate in a class, let alone develop new relationships without having your anxiety exacerbate. I think you need to take a leave, as suggested by @happy1, and get some strategies to help you deal with being okay with yourself.
Do you have a part time job? How about trying an intermural sports team? It is easiest to get to know people if you spend time doing some activity with them. Find a regular volunteer gig. If you go back next fall, try those suggestions. Maybe the school newspaper needs help, or the theater department needs tech crew or set or costume help.
Here’s the reality of your situation, if you want your situation to change YOU have to do something different. Talk to you parents about taking you to counseling while you are home for the summer if you can’t do it by yourself.
UPDATE (again): I very much appreciate everyone’s concern. I’ve never been one to go for counseling and am sometimes extremely introverted and shy - and this did not change at all this year just because of this post. The reality is that asking for help online didn’t do much to help my situation, with the exception of letting myself feel a little less lonely for a little while. This year has kind of been awful, as well as challenging in ways that were very new to me as a young adult. However, going in to next year, I will have some close friends from my hometown going to my college as well as a better idea of what I heading into, so hopefully, things will be better.
On a lengthy side note, for everyone that has very nicely made some truly helpful suggestions - Taking a leave from college, honestly, is unrealistic for me and my situation. I don’t mean to sound blunt or rude but personally, I would probably never go for something like that, no matter how bad the circumstances. I value my education and am too aware of how much it has cost me just to take a leave because of my mental health. I am also not one to go to counseling or therapy (or academic advisors, since in my experience they are not helpful) because of an unfortunate combination of too many bad/unsuccessful experiences and stigmas. I wish this weren’t the case but that’s just the way it is at this point in my life. As for trying to get a job, I have worked since I was 13 so I was hoping that for the first time in 5 years I could relax a little and focus on school for my freshman year of college. As far as clubs go, I missed the window to join and there weren’t any that I was interested in anyways.
I hope these don’t sound like excuses for my issues, and I hope I didn’t over-exaggerate my situation. I wrote this post when I was in a very bad place and feeling very down on myself and lonely. I literally made 1 single friend my entire freshman year (and we lost touch during spring semester so whatever) but I would like everyone to know that I can indeed function normally in society! And I am pretty much back to my normal self, or at least the way I was before this whole mess started (summer has me feeling great).
I think all I really needed from this site/post was for someone to relate to me, to let me know that I wasn’t alone, or to encourage me and tell me that I could get through this year.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: If you are reading this post and are worried about entering college, I don’t want to sugarcoat anything, so do know that it is incredibly stressful and that it sometimes really, really sucks. College is a lot different than high school (cliche, but true). You are alone. (I had, by all accounts, a decent time in high school - I was 3rd in my class and had a strong group of friends - so here’s hoping that I didn’t peak in high school!). You may not make friends in college unless you take matters unto your own hands. And yeah, I got horrible participation grades from not talking at all, but I ended up with decent final grades despite this. Make your best effort to befriend your roommate/suitemates, because they may be the first person you are close with. If they are not receptive to this, KEEP trying. GO to dorm events, club meetings, university activities, etc. I didn’t try hard enough and I didn’t do any of this, and I regretted it all year long. There were a lot of days this year where I went all day without talking to a single person, or when I wished I didn’t exist. But I got through it, and so can you.
If all else fails - YES, you will be alone and you will feel lonely. BUT - you can do it. It’s not the end of the world. You have people at home who love you, or a bright future to look forward to. Learn to love yourself, learn how to be alone with yourself without being lonely. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have questions or just want to talk. You can do it!
Have you looked at what is avalable on ■■■■■■■■■■ or thought about joining community organizations?
Community organizations, volunteering, and work are places where to develop connections that are outside of college. These are some things that maybe you should do at home over the summer also to develop connections in the mean time and still do these during the school year if possible because you need a broad support of people.
I too have struggled to develop friendships (I still don’t have much of any but I’m working on that).
@oprah2020 - I hope next year will be better for you.
I’m a bit confused by why you weren’t able to join any clubs…unless you are talking about joining a team sport or participating in a time-critical project that starts at the beginning of the semester or school year, most clubs that are based on common and shared interests (e.g., environment/sustainability, political or religious beliefs, racial identity or ethnicity, hiking/biking clubs, or things of that nature) tend to be rather fluid with members entering and leaving/showing up or not showing up throughout the year.
And yes, you are right to encourage others to “GO to dorm events, club meetings, university activities, etc.” and it’s good that you now recognize that you needed to more of that.
And while some counseling might help you cope with some of your social anxiety, I appreciate that you might not be amenable to that at this particular moment in time. The only thing that concerns me is when you say that there were times “when (you) wished (you) didn’t exist.” If you find that you are depressed or have any suicidal thoughts, I would encourage you to seek immediate help.
Perhaps you might do better in a smaller school than at a large school: Might you consider a transfer?
Most clubs are perfectly happy to have people join as the year goes along. I think you have a lot of excuses and rules for what you won’t do. You won’t get a different result if you keep doing the same thing.
@LoveTheBard Thank you!! To clarify - not suicidal, just in need of a month long nap or break or something… Although being isolated for an entire school year increased my depression, I very much want to stay alive, but there are times when the stress of school will make you feel like you could use a week-long existential break. I hope this makes sense.
and @intparent & @LoveTheBard As far as clubs go, the way they work at the school I go to is you sign up during the first week, pay some membership dues, and that’s about it. The people who are members are really only concerned with building up a resume or hanging out with people they are already friends with (I really did try to join a club in the fall and it was underwhelming to say the least). I mean it when I said I missed my window. I actually tried to join a club during spring semester too (a club that the 1 friend I made was in - and he told me it was way too late, they didn’t actually do anything, and he actually ended up quitting anyways). Although, I definitely plan to join stuff next year, if I can find something I’m remotely interested in.
I think that what I’ve struggled with is not exactly my school size, but potentially the people themselves? Most are preppy and extremely religious and/or only interested in frat parties - not really my style (I like to drink as much as the next gal but these people go overboard and the atmosphere is dangerous, my school has very high rates of sexual assault. insanely high. we are known for our party problems). That isn’t to say I can’t be friends with people different than me, but it is discouraging when most of the student body seems worlds away.
Unfortunately, I am not really considering transferring because the college I attend is arguably the best school in my state, and there is no where else that I can go to that will give me such a good education for such a fairly low price. Additionally, talking to my parents or staying at home for a while isn’t really a great option for me. Again, I’m not trying to make excuses but social anxiety is a very real problem and this year I was either taking action too late or there just wasn’t a viable solution for some of my issues. Sometimes the solution to a mental health crisis for me really is just to sulk for a few months and spend my days being sad. I think I got most of it out of my system and am hoping that next year will go more smoothly.
@intparent, @SuperGeo5999, & @LoveTheBard - As far as clubs go, at my college is that you sign up during the first week. I actually tried to join a club in the fall - the people there were either only concerned with building up a resume or hanging out with friends they already had. I tried to join a club in the spring, but they told me the deadline to join had passed and I would have to wait until the next year. This was underwhelming to say the least.
@intparent I am not trying to make excuses, but social anxiety is a very real problem and though I was very aware that things needed to change I was not able to talk action either in time or at all in order to overcome all of my issues. For me, a lot of things this year felt very immobilizing or suffocating. However, sometimes (for me) the best solution to a mental health crisis is to sulk for a few months then take things one step at a time. I feel like I’ve gotten some things out of my system and am hoping the next year will go more smoothly!
@LoveTheBard Thank you! To clarify - not suicidal, just depressed and in need of a two week nap or existential break or something. I very much want to stay alive but this year really got to me and there were indeed several times where I wished I could just existentially check out for a while. I hope this makes sense.
Unfortunately, transferring is not a great option. The college I go to is arguably the best school in my state and it is also one of the most affordable schools nationwide. This is the reason I chose to attend in the first place. I think that what I have struggled with isn’t the size of the school, but the people themselves. This isn’t to say that I can’t be friends with people different from me at all! But they often seem worlds away, and it’s been discouraging because no one seems interested in making new friends (most of the freshman come in with about 10-20 people they already know because most high schools have a lot of kids attend my college - this was just not my case, unfortunately)
Anxiety is a mental health issue. If you had an injury to your leg, you would see someone. Why is a mental health issue different? Go see a counselor.
Also, skip academic advising at your own risk. Lots of kids end up taking extra semesters to graduate because they don’t consult advisors and don’t stay on track.
@intparent I actually did go to an academic advisor but it wasn’t super helpful - she was from a different department? All but the one I went to were actually booked for the whole year (insane!). But academically, I’m actually doing just fine at the moment!
I am well aware that anxiety is a mental health issue and that going to see someone is great way to help with this. To go into personal detail, I guess: talking to my parents about this is not an option, and I do not exactly have the money/insurance to see a professional about anything right now. I really don’t mean to be curt or anything but I’m not sure how else to say this - I have had an entire childhood full of attorneys, mediators, counselors, and my parent’s therapists, and none of them have exactly helped me or brought about a positive experience, so forgive me if I can’t bring myself to seek counseling in any way. But I really do appreciate your concern and feedback; posting here and talking to others really did help me a little last semester and is giving me a lot to think about right now!
Does your school have a student health service? Sometimes students can get some free counseling there.