I do NOT want to go back to school next month.

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>I have to return to college for my sophomore year in about 3 weeks and I am terrified. I attend an Ivy League school which I worked my ass off in high school to get into. Every time I tell somebody where I go they act amazed and it's already opened many doors for me, and that feels really good. I have to say I love the attention it brings me and Te accolades I receive from people in my community, and I am so scared to let go of that. I'm also scared that leaving such a good school without a solid plan would be a huge mistake that I would greatly regret later on.</p>

<p>I am studying physics and philosophy along with a great deal of music. Music has always been my passion first and foremost, and I really want to have a group of people in NYC with whom I can make experimental music and art and just see what happens, but I also really like physics and philosophy. The thing is, I hated almost all of my coursework freshman year. I was insanely depressed and ashamed of myself the entire time. I had sleep issues to the point where I would be awake for 3 days and then sleep for over 30 hrs straight. I was isolated and scared of other people and really only made one friend who I rarely got to see because we were always both so busy. My anxiety got out of control and I ended up fleeing school a few times for these aimless road trips in my car across the northeast just to escape the environment without telling anybody.</p>

<p>This summer, I was able to get a few jobs in my home city, all of which are very taxing and physical, but nonetheless rewarding. I have generally felt more accomplished and clearheaded and free of anxiety this summer and have been able to connect eith some friends musically, though not as much as I would have liked. Whenever I think about my freshman year I almost get nauseous - it was so, so awful and I felt like I was too afraid of failing and too beaten down to do anything to fix it. I tried therapists and medication but I always ended up in the same place, angry, frustrated, sad, lonely, feeling worthless and stupid and feeling most of all like I didn't know myself anymore. To be honest I have spent a lot of time this summer doing things I wouldn't normally do - wasting time watching TV, even smoking pot and doing some psychedelics, which I tried to convince myself was okay but really was an excuse to anesthetize that freak out feeling about having to go back to college again and losing this precious summer.</p>

<p>On top of it all, I postponed a final exam at the end of last year that I have to take at the beginning of this semester. At the time I had so much on my are emotionally and academically that I completely shut down and had a few major panic attacks, so I just could not deal with one more test. I now have to spend the end of my summer cramming for this test because I was too irresponsible and afraid to start studying earlier. </p>

<p>I've been talking to my parents about a study abroad program where I would be able to write music and study art in Italy second semester and I am really excited at the prospect of it, but I'm starting to feel like it's more about not having to be around my college peers and environment than it is about having a foreign experience on my own. Not to mention I don't even know if I can pull off doing a semester of work that doesn't directly pertain to my major. </p>

<p>Overall, I'm just so ambivalent about it all. I think of all the resources I was inundated with last year and what little I made of them. I think of how amazing an opportunity I have and wonder why I can't make it as amazing as it should be on paper. I almost fantasize about not having to do any college work ever again and just giving it a shot somewhere on my own, but then I think about how I might fail and end up regretting leaving such a reputable institution just because I was an idealistic kid. </p>

<p>There are so many other complexities I won't go into involving my family and being away from them, and my overall self esteem and how much it has dwindled since I started college, but I will leave them out. I'm just looking for some guidance from anybody because I feel trapped and terrified and very sad.
Thanks</p>

2

<p>First, PLEASE consider seeking professional help again. It often takes more than one medication to find one that helps, and more than one therapist to find one that is right for you. It sounds like you have been self-medicating, and that, as you aware, is not the answer, and will probably lead to even more serious problems. Anxiety is a common problem, and it can be treated. It is nothing to be ashamed of either. The worst thing is to suffer in silence.</p>

<p>Second, it isn’t clear how much you have told your parents about this. They may be more supportive than you think, or you may have another trusted adult you can go to - even someone from high school. </p>

<p>Third, I think you have fallen into a trap that many high-achieving individuals do: the belief that there is only one path to success, and that path must lead through an Ivy League or top-tier institution. When you have been told how smart you are your whole life and how impressive it is that you are an Ivy League student, you can become trapped in a “golden prison.” What I mean is, you find yourself stuck in something that you don’t like but you can’t escape because that would give rise to the idea of “failure.” What you are going to have to work on is not caring quite so much about what other people think and how other people define success and failure. You have to find the path in life that makes YOU happy. YOU have to live your life; nobody else can do it for you, so ultimately their opinion of whether you have made a good or bad decision should not be given much weight. Changing your mind about your life’s path is not a failure - it is actually something that successful, happy people do.</p>

<p>I am just a person on the internet, and I hate to give advice to a student in such a serious situation, but to give you a little perspective instead of advice: if you take a year off a college, your life is not ruined. If you go to a different, non-Ivy school, your life is not ruined. It sounds like you need some time to figure out who you really are and what you want to do with the next 70+ years of your life. You are just at the beginning! You have plenty of time to figure this all out. Very few decisions in life cannot be changed. While change is scary, especially for someone who has been working so hard with one goal in mind, it can be very liberating. </p>

<p>You may be surprised how many people are in your corner if you share your problems with them. I am just a stranger and I am rooting for you!</p>

3

<p>Do you know what you want to do after college?</p>

<p>(I agree with the above poster; you should seek professional counseling.)</p>

4

<p>I agree that you should not leave without a plan.</p>

<p>Your first plan should to continue to seek professional counselling.
Part of that counselling could be someone at the college…you are probably not the first to have this issue.</p>

<p>The next thing you should do is talk to your parents about this issue.</p>

<p>Then finish the final for the class from last year. Whatever you do you want to have the credits from that class.</p>

<p>Then decide should you withdraw now? Should you do the next semester and then go on study abroad and then after that decide your path? If you go back to school, can you take different classes?</p>

5

<p>It’s July 31. Can you get a medical leave that would allow you to stop the clock and perhaps delay taking that final?</p>

<p>The other option is to plow through, take the final, and take a medical leave. </p>

<p>You are not in the right state of mind to be making big potentially irreversible decisions. You need a way to stop the clock while you get yourself well. </p>

6

<p>I am not a doctor. This is not a diagnosis. But your behavior sounds a little bipolar to me. Doctors normally try 1-3 antidepressants before moving on to mood stabilizers (e.g., Lamotrigine) and atypicals (e.g, Olanzapine). If your situation really is more complicated than “normal” depression/anxiety, you might simply not have progressed to the best kind of medication yet. Please be patient.</p>

<p>Make sure your psychiatrist knows that you’re staying up for 30 hours at a time and going off on these impulsive road trips. These are both classic symptoms.</p>

<p>And please stay away from weed and psychedelics. You need to have that stuff out of your system for WEEKS before knowing if a prescription has any effect at all.</p>

7

<p>Wishing you peace in the days and weeks to come! </p>

8

<p>Thanks for all the replies so far. Some additional info/comments…</p>

<p>I don’t know about a medical leave… My parents are pretty worried about me already, and I’ve been open with them about most of what has been going on. I have told them how apprehensive/reluctant I am to go back, and they are totally supportive of whatever I do. They wouldn’t care if I didn’t even go to college. All the pressure comes from myself. I always feel like I am not doing well enough and am utterly anhedonic at college. There is just so much to do all the time that I often can’t even get up the will to start working. I had many mornings last semester where I would wake up feeling like I didn’t even have the emotional strength to get up and try to face the day.</p>

<p>I was on antidepressants for a while this summer, but I didn’t feel like it did much for me.</p>

<p>My grades are really good but I still feel like I am not keeping up, and it seems like everybody around me is having a much easier time, going out and partying, hanging out with friends, etc. while I spend every moment of my time in college either studying or worrying about not studying. The idea of taking time off is really alluring to me but at the same time I just don’t want to deal with the terror of knowing that I left a school I worked so hard to get into and, as weird as this may sound, I don’t want to have to explain to everybody that knows me that I am taking time off regardless of whether they know why. I have had so many people say things like “getting a degree from that school is going to do incredible things for you - so many people wish they were in your position.”</p>

9

<p>Maybe try a lighter course load? I know how hard it must be for you, because it seems to be that you are a perfectionist. Take a step back and relax for a bit. If you decide to stay in college, go easy this semester; don’t overload on challenging classes, consider the medical leave as others said, and most importantly put your health before everything.</p>

10

<p>My advice: make a solid plan for your future. It’ll counter a lot of your anxiety</p>