In many such cases this controlling behavior is exerted over the entire household, so I would suspect the mom is feeling both a dependency and an uncomfortable, stressful inability to assure OP that OP’s future is one she can go ahead and craft independently, without concern of further influence and drawn out contact with stepdad (and mom).
This is all very concerning. Please re-read Snowball City’s advice and decide how to move forward.
I had young family members who were in a bad home life but didn’t tell anyone out of shame and embarrassment and not wanting people to know. This prevented them from getting the help and support of people who genuinely cared for them. Telling an adult will cover your butt should he try to make it out that you are the problem.
@“Snowball City” has a great point: telling a teacher, guidance counselor, etc will give you a witness to back up your history if needed later.
Agree…just ignore him. And I agree, tell a trusted adult such as guidance counselor.
Worst case, you can get a restraining order once you’re at college, if he is trying to follow you around or harass you.
Sounds like you have good FA/scholarship, so worst case, if they won’t support you financially, I bet the college would work something out with you.
Keep your head high, stay confident! You can do this! Thinking of you!
The college won’t work with the student unless there is documented accounts of the trouble. Otherwise anyone looking for a discount would claim that.
^ Right…so document the issue now, then if he harrasses her in college, get the restraining order.
By then freshman year paid for…and there’s documented harrassment, which imo is valid if he follows her to college; plus he is a step parent.
People- right now, the stepfather has given the D crazy chores to do, and has mentioned (with zero evidence of follow up) that he’s buying property in the college town.
This does not rise to the level of a restraining order in any municipality in this country. He has not yet harrassed the D and has not yet moved to be close to her college. He may be a terrible person and an unsympathetic stepparent, but that does not get you a restraining order either.
OP- focus on finishing HS, agree that moving in with your Aunt is a great plan if you guys get along. Come back if anything weird or funky or troubling happens… but for now, focus on enjoying the end of HS.
And good luck to you.
If you are living ON campus, it doesn’t matter if these folks are four minutes away or four hours away. You can remain ON campus…you don’t have to go to their home.
Something to think about after you’ve moved into the dorms – arrange to be an RA beginning your sophomore or junior/senior year. That will keep you firmly on campus with no expectation of moving into the community if they move close, and/or if they hesitate about funding your room and board costs.
My brother bought a house one mile from the college his son is going to attend. The logic was why pay $9,000 a year for dorm rent when he can carry the whole house for that cost annually. Plus he can rent out extra bedrooms top his son’s friends. Sounds good to me
Well, not all people own a house let alone can afford to buy a second one, even if it’s a good investment in a college town. So good for your brother but how does it help OP?
If the stepfather goes through with buying a house AND plans to move there AND manages to do it, it’s OK to…
1° be busy - legitimately, be involved with many things, study groups, clubs, classes, office hours, lunch with friends, whatever. Be busy right away, for real. So you’ll be able to speak the truth when you’re asked “when are you free/when can you meet me”?"
2° if your stepfather tries to get into the dorm (or to “get himself invited” to your dorm), or “surprises” you on campus especially if it’s on his own not with your mom and/or without warning, you’re allowed to signal him to security, by name and with a picture. Just say “This man married my mother so he’s my stepdad, but he’s following me.” Not a restraining order. Just keeping security and your RA in the loop.
Really, the whole thing is light on details. Many a teen would seem to detest their own parents, period, let alone a step parent.
Based just on your information, this sounds creepy to me.
You will be an adult. It will be really hard for them to get any information about you if you don’t give the college written permission to allow your mother and step-father access to your records.
I can’t get my kids grades, records, professor access without my kids’s written approval. I did ask them for access to their campus dining account to put money into their campus cash. SUNY Buffalo gave the students separate accounts from the parents. It worked out well for us.
Advise your campus “Advisor/Counselor” that everything requires your signature, including dining dollars.
You will be too busy to host anyone. Your classes and labs alone will keep you studying for a large part of your day.
Yes. But just in case… better let her know what to do. If it’s a teen getting mad at adults, no harm done.
You have received a of of good advice. (1) Let your aunt and trusted adults know your concerns. (2) Make a record of everything that makes you uncomfortable [and keep it private & secure]. (3) When you go off to college, consider letting a counselor/RA know your concerns. (4) If it gets weird, go to Legal Aid (if the college can’t help) and get a restraining order. Shoot. College can be hard enough. You should not have to deal with this on top of that, but you sound like a very strong young woman who can stand up for herself. God bless.
@Sybylla wrote
I wouldn’t expect anything less from someone with three posts who never returned. I broke my own 2017 resolution not to reply to people with less than 10 posts who create a thread, and dang it if I didn’t do it again.
Somebody smack us all for participating in these threads…
Sorry @MotherOfDragons, but I can start imagining a number of scenarios that I would prefer not to, and therefore I will continue to send messages out into the void … just in case.
No need to apologize. You do you.
Looks like I wasn’t clear with my post My brother is moving to the house close to his son’s college. Showing the OP that this does happen sometimes for financial reasons and does not necessarily make her stepfather a threat.
@“aunt bea” -
When my children went/go away to school, they knew/knew that I had to have full access to their accounts or I was not going to pay the bills. When I was in college, my parents didn’t pay a penny towards my costs, so I used a friend’s mailing address after I found my father opening the mail that came from my school. I would have given him access had he paid the bills.