<p>I'm a freshman at UC Berkeley and I don't like the social scene here. When I first came here things were alright, but everything quickly turned for the worse. My floor and building hates me. A lot of girls here think I'm creepy. I am banned from two fraternities (one of which gave me a bid, go figure). Now obviously some of this is my fault and I accept that. But I've done nothing to deserve social consequences of this magnitude. I have never hit anyone, forced myself on to girls or insulted anyone. My current situation is making me very depressed and helpless. It's to the point where I can't focus on my studies anymore. I don't think I can spend one more semester here and right now I'm trying to fix my problems so that the same issues won't carry over to the new school I can transfer too. The thing is though, my grades aren't that great (I passed 3 classes (Berkeley has a pass/no pass grading option) and I got an A in the other one). This semester I will probably end up getting 2 A's and one pass. I know it'd be wise to get good grades my sophomore year and then transfer my junior year, but I can't get good grades when I don't like the vibe around me. My high school record is pretty good, but obviously my college record hurts me. I'm going to be seeing a counselor soon to vent and tune up my social skills. I have already missed most of the transfer deadlines, but I really a new environment. What do you recommend that I do?</p>
<p>So, they just banned you because they wanted to? Everyone hates you because you wear blue socks??? When you have ongoing problems across many groups, the problem is usually your problem. What did you do to get banned? It’s good you are going to a counselor.</p>
<p>I mean the way I described it, it seems like I’ve done something really bad to get banned. However, this isn’t the case. The first frat banned me for getting too drunk. The second frat banned me because some girl complained that I was being creepy to the brothers and they majority voted me out (this is the frat that gave me a bid beforehand). I will admit that I’ve made some serious mistakes and done stupid things like staring at girls too long, being overly friendly, etc. But this mostly happened last semester and I’m having serious repercussions. In fact I’m pretty sure that the girl that reported me was one of the girls who hated me from last semester. Now all of this makes me seem like I’m a weirdo with no social skills whatsoever but this isn’t the case either I have many male friends and some female friends. The issue is that I have an equal or more number of males and definitely females that hate me. When the vibe is this bad, it’s hard for me to concentrate on my studies. I just want a fresh start because unfortunately no matter how much I change people will still view me based on the first impression I made. I just can’t take it anymore I need a new environment.</p>
<p>I am afraid the problem may be YOU and not the school or the people. It is hard for us human beings to admit that we may have a problem but you need to look at yourself before you start blaming it all on others</p>
<p>Many parents nowadays are doing a total disservice by telling their kids how “special” they are- I think your approach to solving the problem is a bit immature because you are blaming it all on others, you speak about being “too drunk” as if it is not a big deal and girls don’t just make up stuff about someone being creepy because they are bored.</p>
<p>If you are the problem, transferring to another university is not going to be the solution, because you will be carrying the same problems with you, everywhere you go.</p>
<p>I do have several problems. The main problems are social awkwardness and depression. I accept responsibility for my actions. It’s just that I feel that I’m getting hammered for something that isn’t that bad. I’ve seen several people get drunk at parties. I’ve seen people act creepy to girls as well. The difference between me and these people is that these people are facing far fewer consequences than I am. But yes at the end of the day I can’t make excuses. It’s my fault that all of this happened. I’m trying my very very best to improve my social experience at the expense of my academic success. But nothing is working and the damage has been done. I really feel helpless right now. I have no motivation to do well in my classes because it seems like I’ll never have fun here.</p>
<p>May be easier said than done, but throw yourself into your school work. Success there will lead to success in other areas. If you believe in the laws of quantum physics…</p>
<p>collegeissues, I’m really sorry this has happened to you and, yes, you need to address whatever you can about your previous social interactions, but I can totally understand what you’re saying about being stuck with the negative judgements that people have already made. What I don’t understand is why you have to stay around all the same people. U C Berkeley is ENORMOUS. Before you transfer schools, can you transfer dorms, join new clubs, find new non-fraternity parties? Go see the counselor and discuss all of this, he/she may have concrete suggestions. I got started off on the wrong foot as a teenager and had to set out to remake myself. With the help of some good counselors and a concerted effort to remove myself from the old interactions, it worked. You seem to have a good bit of self-awareness, take that and the big intellect that got you into Berkeley and set out to change your world. Growing up can be very painful but one of the great things about UCB is the huge variety of people and things to do there. Good luck!</p>
<p>OP, you go to a huge university that has not one, but many “social scenes.” Find another. I also recommend that you stop drinking. It’s perfectly all right not to drink. Many people understand that their best selves do not shine through when they drink. And believe it or not, there are other non-drinkers or moderate drinkers on campus who are also interesting and fun people.</p>
<p>NJ Sue is right. </p>
<p>You’re in a huge university. Go find some groups or clubs
that interest you. Community service groups are good–join Habitat for Humanity, Best Buddies, or some other organization where you’ll be doing good. These groups are a wonderful way to meet nice people.</p>
<p>Also consider helping backstage on some student theater projects or productions. Help with lighting, props, build the set – it’s called “stagecraft” and doesn’t require acting. Student directors are overjoyed when people want to help with these tasks. Contact the university’s theater department for a list of upcoming productions, then reach out to the director to volunteer. Rehearsals take place on weeknights, and you’ll find yourself with plenty to do away from the dorms and current situation. Productions are usually on weekends.</p>
<p>Theater people are far more accepting of all kinds of social quirks, as long as you show up SOBER to rehearsals, pay attention and get the job done. When you help a team like that, you bond and make friends. New starts are possible. Just watch your timing with academics during the week before a show, which takes many hours at the last minute. When it’s all over, you get to go to a cast party but you’ve accomplished something together to celebrate. Also sometimes after rehearsals, a few students might go out for ice cream or for a drink briefly (you choose!) , if their work is in order - that’s optional, but another way to make friends as a spin-off of the theater production.</p>
<p>It’s also great when you meet people on campus to say, “I’m working on X production, come see it…” Theater is really very social and gives you a kind of status that goes along with the name of the show. It’s exciting, even if all you are doing is moving furniture in the dark between acts. :)</p>
<p>Also the other activities mentioned in Jonri’s post #9 are helpful, according to lots of students who’d like to do something good in society. You’ll meet other people like that.</p>
<p>It takes a lot of pressure off when you are actually doing something, and the social contact is a spin-off. My kids were not big partiers, per se, but made all the friends they ever wanted through activities, clubs and theater.</p>
<p>paying3, I love the theater idea. So many interesting, and accepting, people to be found there.</p>
<p>Op,
Talk with a counselor about your concerns and then hang in there for 2 more months. Cal is a huge school. When you move into your new living situation next year, then you can have a fresh start. And next time you go out drinking, please pace yourself. Drink water or soda between glasses of alcohol. If others say that you are being very creepy when you are overly drunk, you probably are. However, you can’t remember it in correct context, because you were so drunk at the time. Remember that being shunned for creepiness is not based on a linear scale, so you can’t use that for comparison. Just decrease your creepiness overall.</p>
<p>Yeah I’m trying really hard to not be creepy but unfortunately I basically know everyone in my environment. Though Berkeley is a big school, the environment I am in is not so big. Since people already have this false impression of me, everything I say is analyzed to a higher degree due to confirmation bias. So some of my actions are crucified though they wouldn’t be if another person had done them. Right now I feel trapped in a prison; it feels like everybody is scruntizing me to an unnescessary degree. I’m tired of my “friends” backstabbing me and using me because I am a vulnerable person. I have to say that all of this is affecting my mental health to the point where I am going insane because I’m worrying about what everyone thinks of me. I am trying everything I can to make things better. I have registered for counseling sessions, applied for room transfer and looked into clubs and other activities. My issues are affecting my academic performance to the point where I can no longer focus on my studies because honestly there is nothing to look forward to. I am going to try out the theater suggestion and see if I can make some real friends. Please continue to give me suggestions to help fix my situation.</p>
<p>Whoa, slow down and breathe. You WILL be leaving this environment at the end of the semester. Housing for next semester will be different. I know two months seems like a long time when you’re in pain, but from our (the parents’) perspective, it’s the blink of an eye. Don’t invest anymore emotion, go to the counseling sessions and really investigate the internal and external situation. Unfortunately, you’re all acting like you’re still in high school. They, because they are closing ranks around the social cliques they’ve formed, and you’ve become the “weirdo”, whether you actually deserve that designation or not; you, because you are sinking like a stone under their condemnation, which effects your behavior, and it all goes round and round.</p>
<p>Stop, and emotionally walk away, easier said than done, but well worth the effort. You’ve set many constructive things in motion, give them time to work. Stop worrying about what everybody thinks of you, quite frankly you won’t change anyone’s opinion right now and they’re feeding off your insecurity. It’s sort of a herd mentality, they’re “in” and someone has to be “out”. Concentrate on your studies, but don’t trap yourself in thinking you have nothing to look forward to, how about the next 50 or 60 years? You will find a social group and you will have fun. You’ve had a painful start and you’ll learn from it, that’s how the maturing process works. All you can control this minute is what you’re thinking, how about thinking some self-confident happy thoughts? You think I’m kidding? Research shows that just sitting and smiling, even when you’re faking it, improves your mood. When I start to mentally spiral downward, I stop and start thinking about good stuff. Heck, I even make up happy stuff to think about. It works for me!</p>
<p>Alright so I talked to the academic advisor and went to counseling. The counselor just took notes of my problems and more will be reviewed during my next session. I told the academic advisor about how I don’t like it here and how my mental issues are affecting my academics. He said to try and finish the semester out. I’m already going to fail math so I switched it to pass/no pass. The other two classes ill probably get b’s in. Then he told me I could go to community college the next year to take my classes and get my issues straightened out. That way when I come back ill have a fresh start. My problem with this is that after a year I won’t have any other option except Berkeley. Could it be possible to go to community college for a year and then transfer to another school?</p>
<p>to answer the thread question: transfer out. berkeley’s not for everybody (contrary to the cacophony of berkeley boosters on this site). starting the process to transfer somewhere will probably help you feel better…</p>
<p>I’d ask your advisor your Q. It seems perfectly reasonable. There a ton of schools in the UC CSU system. My niece took many CC courses at several CCs and finally got a degree at a CSU. Don’t see that you NEED to return to Berkley for any good reason. Would work on why this start at Berkley was so bad and how to make things better going forward, including whatever schools and other places you find yourself. Think of what things you did and said that made you creepy and work on why and how to change that.</p>
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<p>I’m sorry but I’m not seeing where everyone was boosting Berkeley. I personally don’t care about Berkeley at all, but it’s unlikely to be the principal root of the OP’s social problems. If anything, he’s fortunate that his problems did not occur at a much smaller school with a much more limited social environment (and I say this as a LAC fan). It sounds as if he has issues that he needs to deal with no matter where he goes to school, and transferring will not be sufficient to overcome them unless he does some self-examination that is not related to his current location.</p>
<p>which is why i wrote this SITE and not this THREAD. i haven’t read the other comments on this thread. i’m simply answering his question. if he’s taken the time to start a thread in the parent’s forum, it’s likely that he’s also read other threads/forums on this site (the college confidential website), where opinions seem to be pretty high with respect to berkeley.</p>
<p>I see. My apologies.</p>