<p>I remember one of those articles on kids being pressured where a formula was given: For every hour of structured activity, build an hour of free time into the kid's schedule. Now, I'm quite sure DadII's D is too old to have her schedule built by mom & dad. But the idea still holds true: Downtime is essential for mental and physical health. Sounds as if D is getting that through fun activities, like selling hot dogs at a fair. Or hanging with the GC in a low-pressure environment. I think she'll be better off than little brother. I'd worry about him.</p>
<p>DADII you remind me of my father....</p>
<p>when I was 16 yo, he would turn off the electricity in my room at 10pm everynight. He said I needed to go to sleep then. EVERY DAY. and he didnt' like my door to be shut (when I was alone) so he took it off. Oh, he didn't trust me for a second and record several years of phone calls I made. </p>
<p>I obviously haven't forgiven him 30+ years later.</p>
<p>YMMV.....</p>
<p>I'm really appalled by this thread and the criticism and stereotyping of Asian parents. What if the topic were Jewish or Black or Muslim parents - would you all feel quite so comfortable with your accusations of child abuse, emotional cruelty, etc ?</p>
<p>This is just plain bigotry and it is reprehensible.</p>
<p>I personally have never stereotyped him and have been very charitable up til now, but what he did to his daughter was reprehensible and childish in the extreme, whatever the heck his ethnic background is. Really destructive.</p>
<p>
[quote]
I'm really appalled by this thread and the criticism and stereotyping of Asian parents.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>But we're speaking from our own experiences as children of Asian American parents.</p>
<p>
[quote]
What if the topic were Jewish or Black or Muslim parents - would you all feel quite so comfortable with your accusations of child abuse, emotional cruelty, etc ?
[/quote]
That's the thing. Asians are extremely private. They are usually VERY uncomfortable sharing stories of abuse, like the one daeshim told. It's part of our culture. Now that some people are revealing what goes on in quite a few asian american households, why should you tell them to keep quiet?</p>
<p>I don't care if he's Asian or Martian. His behavior is beyond the pale for a human father. In fact, I think that the people who are talking about "Asian parents" are using it as cultural excuse for his behavior. I think that's reprehensible.</p>
<p>^^ Obviously it's not an excuse. Do we sound like we're forgiving him? I do believe that a huge factor that makes his behavior so "incomprehensible" and "reprehensible" to the posters here is that he was raised in a culture where certain types of punishment are more acceptable, and expectations are different. Obviously, even some asian american parent posters are shocked by what he did. In any culture there are gradations. But there are signficant differences between cultures. I am confident that a decent number of asian american parents would not be shocked, they would even think what he did was appropriate - they simply haven't raised their voices (again largely because of cultural reasons)</p>
<p>My comment on cultural background was directed to the idea that the story is made up. I think the daughter, growing up in America, has to have an upbringing that responds to American realities, and I don't think the dad is recognizing the value of her accomplishments or her really very good odds of getting into a fine college. He should be proud of her and ease up. He definitely shouldn't be pulling the plug on her when she is facing an assignment deadline.</p>
<p>It does sound like its "expected" and I am one all for diversity, but not to the point where its abusive to people....</p>
<p>the man is trying his best to alienate his daughter.</p>
<p>I don't care if his skin is green with pink stripes.</p>
<p>It isn't right. And I speak as a white female who had college educated American born parents treat me like that daughter. </p>
<p>The resentment I STILL hold against my parents feels just as fresh as it did 30+ years ago.</p>
<p>They also never really accepted my son because he was born out of wedlock. </p>
<p>Yes, there are cruel mean college educated white 'American' parents out there.</p>
<p>My sense is that we will never never know what this dynamic is really like without hearing from the daughter herself.</p>
<p>Probably true and I hope she's too busy with her life to post here.</p>
<p>
I don't disagree but how is that different from my relationship with mine, or you with your's?</p>
<p>I don't think it would be a good idea for the daughter to post here about this situation.</p>
<p>On any one dimensional board like this we will always be working with imperfect knowledge, relying upon the poster to as accurately as possible portray the reality. Using our radar to pick up hints and inconsistencies and things that ring true, we then do our best. That's what is happening here . We have limitations.</p>
<p>If this is what the OP admits to in "public" I wonder what else goes on that he doesn't see as "intersting and bad".....</p>
<p>If nothing else, this can help other parents who wnat to pull the plug</p>
<p>No different from you and me and our D's cur. But I have been strictly spoken to and barred from posting details about that by the queen herself:). I guess all I'm thinking is that I have a lot of quirks. But, my kids are used to them. They have already summed it up into the "Oh yeah, that's my mom." It's possible that the daughter here is used to the dad's displays of emotion and although he is volatile, he is predictable. For all we know, she said to her best friend the next morning, "Jeez, my stupid dad did that thing with the power cord again." Sometimes houses with no displays of violent emotion can be even more damaging over time to their inhabitants than houses with cord unplugging. </p>
<p>I suppose I may be going too far in the tolerance marathon, but I've heard so many stories from my colleagues about their moms saying things that would have been abusive from my mom, "I spilled my blood for you!", or "Why are you crying? Do not cry, you will only fail." Or even, "Get over here," followed by whackings with feather dusters or spoons. To me, that would have been burned into my memory as a horror if it came from my parents. But my colleagues, although they are in no way repeating the behaviour, do seem to have a perspective that their parents were doing the best they could, coming from a country with hunger and violent feudalism and scholars as a privileged class as a millenial backdrop, to equip their children for a good life. These grown children still seem to love their parents. although they struggle with the relationship.</p>
<p>So I always wonder, who am I to say I know best? I do the best I can. I am not perfect. So my first impulse is always to assume others are the same as me.</p>
<p>Which is not to say I condone behaviour that a child experiences as abusive. I don't. Just that as my brother the psychologist says, every intimate relationship is a dyad. And as I see, cultures matter enormously. China is more different than the US than I ever knew, deep in its bones. So given that this is the Internet, and we don't hear from the daughter, I am reluctant to assume that I have the correct information and thus the correct perspective.</p>
<p>As cur says, we are all working with imperfect information. Some will feel they can leap in, others will not. I'm just the voice of , "Um, are we sure we know?"</p>
<p>
[quote]
...their parents were doing the best they could, coming from a country with hunger and violent feudalism and scholars as a privileged class as a millenial backdrop, to equip their children for a good life.
[/quote]
But one only need to live in the US for about a week to realize that's not how it works here. Not to mention that virtually every ethnic group came here fleeing violence, or famine, or torture, or oppression. Dad II and parents like him don't get a pass. Sorry.</p>
<p>Sorry sticker; if you grew up in a neighborhood of holocaust survivors who saw their numbers tatooed on their arms every morning when they took a bath you would quickly realize that it takes more than a week. For some ethnic groups depending on where they come from it can take more than one entire generation. </p>
<p>I'm not excusing physically torturing one's kids because you were the victims of violence back home... but there are numerous ethnic groups in the US whose experiences color the way they raise their children and it is hard for outsiders to fathom.</p>
<p>I know it's very common nowadays for elementary schools to have "grandparent days". Imagine a neighborhood where nobody had a grandparent; the parents all met in a DP camp after being liberated from Bergen Belsen or Dachau; they settled near each other when they relocated to the US; having been orphaned at a young age they knew the importance of family but never having had one of their own that was a difficult thing to actualize.</p>
<p>See? Not so easy anymore.</p>
<p>
<p>This is just plain bigotry and it is reprehensible.
</p>
<p>It is just as reprehensible to pretend that the stereotype started out of pure malice and bigotry, and that the extreme behaviors should be excused. </p>
<p>Nobody is trying to convince you that such behavior exist. It's your right to dismiss it or excuse it because of cultural differences. On the other hand, you cannot expect people to be blind and deaf. Do yourself a favor and spend three or four years talking to asian students on THIS board, and you may have a better idea about the pressure placed upon asian students in the context of highly selective schools. The indictments are not coming from a bunch of racists and bigots ... they come from the children of parents who you claim are stereotyped and criticized in error. Do you think that the parents even realize what they do to their children? This thread should be a pretty good exhibit to dismiss that presumption! </p>
<p>There is world of difference between stereotyping an entire ethnic group and pointing the negatives of a group of people within a very small world. In this case, the world of highly selective college admission is small.</p>