I feel bad, realy realy bad

<p>DadII, while I realize that telling you to relax will remain as ineffective as it has been so far, you can't let the day-to-day events ruin your last months with your daughter. </p>

<p>Unless I am mistaken, isn't she still in the running for a prestigious scholarship she could use at Duke, one of her "first" choices? What is there left to do to prepare as well possible for the selection process? If anything, concentrate on that one, and let the past be. After all, there is nothing you can do about what was not done with all the care you wished. </p>

<p>Please remember that you only need ONE school. Also remember that despite all the horror stories that are floating on the web, students are evaluated individually and holistically. Comparing the objective data of your daughter to what is reported by others is not very productive. While you KNOW that your daughter's information is true, you can't say the same about ... everything that is written. Even if you know the grades and test scores, the issues of character and dedication to learning are impossible for outsiders to ascertain.</p>

<p>At this stage, all you can do is make a current appraisal of your D's situation and focus on things you still control. Take a piece of paper, write down all parts of the process, and scratch everything that has now become irrelevant. The test scores are in and so is the FAFSA. The grades are in. The only thing that can come your way are essays and preparing for interviews. </p>

<p>And last but not least, I really think your daughter will end up at the school she deserves to attend, and that you'll be able to afford it without bankrupting your future. </p>

<p>Everything looks better in May than it does in February. Trust your daughter and trust the system. </p>

<p>PS And yes, helping at a HS fair might end up counting a LOT more than an extra point on the ACT.</p>

<p>Dad II</p>

<p>You've known for a long time that you would have a higher EFC than you were willing or able to pay. The appropriate response to that would have been to suggest your D apply to schools where her actual stats, which are very good, would probably yield significant merit money.</p>

<p>Is she a NMS finalist? If so, she will get some great offers from some Uni's based on that. You've been on CC long enough to know that, while there are "free rides" out there, there aren't a lot of them. You have really resisted being realistic. I hope she does get a fabulous scholarship to her state U because that's probably her best option right now.</p>

<p>However, I do remember my frustration with my son last year when he wasn't spending every free minute working on college apps. I was a real pain in the behind. Finally, I backed off and he got everything done on his own schedule.</p>

<p>Did Dad II used to go by a different moniker? He has a familiar "tone" and themes.</p>

<p>And I agree with the posters who caution you against ruining the last months with your D home. If you aren't careful, she will leave and never come back.</p>

<p>"The second mistake was I that I actually beliveve that "Test scores are not that important" stuff on CC."</p>

<p>I can't think of any obviously intelligent and informed CC poster who ever said something like that.</p>

<p>Sure, test scores are important. Having the minimum test score that a college requires for entrance will gain one consideration for admission. For most of the about 4,000 colleges in the country, having that minimum test score plus the minimum required gpa, and the required coursework will gain one admission. For public universities, one's state of residence also is important. Most colleges in the U.S. accept the majority of students who apply.</p>

<p>It's only the most select colleges for which factors like ECs, essays count heavily. Still, one does need higher than average test scores to be considered, and unless one has some spectacular ECs or other desired attributes, one needs much higher than average test scores to be admitted. Still, most applicants to the top colleges have those test scores (and your D's test scores are much higher than average), and most will still be rejected due to lack of space.</p>

<p>I think you should back off. Your D has an outstanding record. If she doesn't get into colleges, she can take a gap year and reapply in a way that expands her options for getting into a college that she would find fulfilling and you'd be able to afford.</p>

<p>xiggi, that was exactly what I was trying to do. Let what passed be passed but prepare for what is coming up. There is this major scholarship essay competition next Saturday. I simple asked her to do some research and get herself ready for the contest. Instead, as I stated many times, she is at HS help out this fair. This is why I got upset.</p>

<p>wow. Originally I assumed you were talking ACT scores in the 20's....That's what most people's definition of "sub-bar test scores" -- assume you meant sub-par. Give her a break--a 34 is an awesome score, and certainly competitive for top scholarships anywhere. I assume that the deadline for the essay is still in the future? Again, having previously (and currently) observed 17-hr-old girls, they can still do outstanding work in a very short amount of time. It has always driven me crazy, and I've lectured until I was blue in the face. But, they get everything done, and for the most part, do an amazingly good job.</p>

<p>I suspect that your D's community service is a great release from the ultra-competitive position she's in at school, and the expectations of perfection at home. </p>

<p>She'll be fine, and things will work out. She sounds like the type of student who will excel, no matter where she ends up going.</p>

<p>cross posted w/ DadII's update: in a high school senior's life, a week is an eternity. She still has time to prepare, as well as do the things that she truly enjoys. Lighten up....life is WAY too short.</p>

<p>"I will refuse to pay for state U is the same reason she refuse to prepare for her test. I want to do what I felt like doing. Why should I work extra hard to compensate her lack of effort?"</p>

<p>I think you're being narrow minded. Your D's very high scores, gpa and impressive ECs indicate she has been working very hard. Just because she's not doing exactly what you want her to do doesn't mean she isn't working hard.</p>

<p>I agree with those who say that unless you want to ruin what probably will be your last few months with your D's living at home, back off and don't try to punish her by saying you wouldn't pay for a state university.</p>

<p>And how would it like it if your D was looking at you and suggesting that you work another job since it seems you have some free time, and that way you'd earn more money to support her going to whatever top college she gets in?</p>

<p>I imagine that you'd feel insulted, hurt, and like you're already working very hard. Well, the example that I gave is similar to what you're saying to your D. </p>

<p>Your D has done extraordinarily well. Stop micromanaging her. Appreciate her for being a wonderful kid. If you want to micromanage someone, micromanage yourself. Show love to your D in your last months with her being a child in your home fulltime.</p>

<p>I have to ask...just how much better do you expect her to do than a 34 on the ACT? That is an excellent score. Just for the record...I have a kid who prepped for the SAT like a maniac. She wanted to raise her score to be more competitive for merit aid at her top choice (she got a nice package from school #2 by the way). Well even WITH good prep and time spent, her scores did not change very much (30 points total on the SAT). </p>

<p>As long as your daughter had a well balanced list of schools to which she applied (some safeties including financial, some matches, a reach or two) then she WILL be going to college next year.</p>

<br>


<br>

<p>This particular section of your post troubles me. I think helping at the HS fair is a very worthy thing to be doing. Getting a perfect ACT score is not worth the stress of giving up other activities your daughter enjoys, particularly since a 34 is a very strong score. </p>

<p>I'm confused...why won't you pay for the state U? And again I ask...does she have a balanced list of schools? If so...let it go and try to enjoy the next few months.</p>

<p>DadII, in spite of my directness towards you, I really feel for you and understand what you're going through. </p>

<p>The choice by your daughter to help at her school reflects the person she is. You'll never know that it is THIS type of information (which we all can assume was noticed by her recommenders at school) that will help land one of the amazing scholarships. I really think you're erroneously believing that test scores and grades are overwhelmingly important. From my vantage point, I think that you should probably be happy your daughter will present an image that is a bit different from many high academic achievers. </p>

<p>Here's a suggestion: encourage your daughter to spend all the time she wants on her EC and offer to help her jump the last hurdles of preparing for the scholarship. Set aside all the arguments and the things you'd like her to know about the finances. Sell her the idea that the scholarships play a role in the admission decisions, even if that is not entirely true in all cases. </p>

<p>Tell her you are a team and that you are her assistant and that you support her choices to the very end. If she refuses, tell her you love her. </p>

<p>You'll be happy in May.</p>

<p>PS DadII, please realize that many schools are following the lead of Harvard regarding financial aid. You may be pleasantly surprised by the new financial aid you'll receive in the Spring.</p>

<p>Your daughter, by making a commitment to community service and running her fair or whatever it is, is showing real EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. And that is what really counts in adult success. No matter how good her grades are in college or graduate school, it is her ability to work with and for other people that will enable her to be a valuable and productive member of society. You should be very proud of her! It upsets me to see parents complaining because their kid is doing something completely unselfish!!!</p>

<p>I see from this thread and from DADII is that he is a perfectionist and demands strict obedience from his DD - and failing any of his expectations is unacceptable - so that the DD can't even take a breath on her own. That type of expectation can be dangerous and lead to the DD not succeeding.</p>

<p>DADII - you need to back off - you need to stop your pushing your DD - You just might push her over the edge. Her scores are excellent - and she is in a very competitive range for good merit aid. You may think negatively of her actions- but it sure sounds like she is acting pretty responsible regarding full filling obligations she has made.</p>

<p>Your refusal to pay for State U may be your downfall - There are many excellent programs available at State U's for very talented kids - and it sounds like your DD has been very succesful in her academic/EC high school career. But it sure sounds like the State U situation is just not acceptable to you at all and you are using that as an excuse.</p>

<p>Your DD is under enough pressure already - and your ongoing stand about what you think she needs to do is adding more to her shoulders - she is NOT lazy - she is NOT a slacker - she has done the best that she can do - you need to accept her for what/who she is now and let the chips fall. No matter where she gets accepted - you need to support her - not push her away.&lt;/p>

<p>You are putting yourself at risk for losing your DD at some point - so think about what you are doing to her - and to yourself as well - and you may be surprised at what you come up with. But the present road you are on may be heading for a very slippery slope.</p>

<p>DadII: >>D to work on a test preparation or write an essay instead of going to help out a HS fair too hard? You are right about the priority. If her priority is to help others, than why does she need go to college?>></p>

<p>Thumper: "This particular section of your post troubles me. I think helping at the HS fair is a very worthy thing to be doing. Getting a perfect ACT score is not worth the stress of giving up other activities your daughter enjoys, particularly since a 34 is a very strong score. "</p>

<p>I agree with Thumper. When it comes to the top colleges, they'd far rather admit someone with scores within their range that aren't top scores than to admit someone with a 36 or 2400 who is selfish and spent all of their time raising their scores, not helping others. </p>

<p>In fact, the top colleges view themselves as supplying the world with alum who will use their talents and skills to help others -- through their professions and through continued community service at increasingly high levels.</p>

<p>Those colleges don't want to admit students who are all about getting fame and fortune for themselves. That's why at places like Harvard, the majority of students on campus do some kind of community service -- because they like to, not because it's required.</p>

<p>It sounds like you have a wonderful daughter. I hope you take the time to appreciate her.</p>

<p>Also, most stellar students like your D can by Feb. of their senior year write an excellent essay for a scholarship in a couple of hours. They don't need to start a week in advance. They've had plenty of essay writing practice in class and on their college apps.</p>

<p>Dad II, in the conversion chart I just looked at, ACT 34 translates to 1520 (CR and M). At least for a school like Vanderbilt, that is above the recommended minimum of 1500 for consideration for top merit awards. With a perfect gpa, lots of rigorous courses, top SAT II scores and a plethora of out of class activities and interests, she is in fine shape for merit scholarships. You need to worry a lot less!</p>

<p>I don't blame you for being annoyed that she isn't spending a bit more time preparing for finalist interviews. I spent a good deal of time annoyed last year. But just leave it at being annoyed, OK? Shake your head, grimace a little bit and then remember to take the long view: she is your daughter, she is wonderful, and you do not want to ruin your relationship with her. And besides, having a great senior year in hs is a great way to begin college. My son had a great senior year, spent appallingly little time on his applications and essays, and even his classes during the fall (took over a school district program when the teacher got shipped to the Middle East!!), but had a great outcome, a great senior year, and we still love each other. </p>

<p>Now, I'm not an expert on competitive interviews, but doesn't being a happy, concerned, involved, enthusiastic member of the school and larger community serve a scholarship prospect pretty well? Drudges do not interview well.</p>

<p>And remember, emotional blackmail doesn't work. The resentment that she will feel will last forever. Heal your relationship while you can....</p>

<p>DadII -- someone here -- was it Blossom? -- used to post here -- Love the child you have. Great advice. Stop trying to make your child into what you want -- appreciate what you have. You have an amazing, wonderful child who has some different priorities than you do. Support her. Love her. Encourage but don't push too hard. </p>

<p>Having said that, I know it is an incredibly stressful time -- don't beat yourself up that things are not turning out the way you had hoped. Hard to do, I know. Be flexible. You will come up with a solution to this. Maybe not the one you originally hoped for, but things will work out.</p>

<p>DadII, I just noticed that you are the same poster who was "upset" that your DS was getting ONE B on his report card. </p>

<p>Now...having connected the dots...Please...I agree with others...accept these wonderful kids for who they are. Look at the cups as being three quarters full instead of 1/4 empty. Celebrate your kids' successes instead of harping on the one or two things that are not top notch. Feel proud about some of the great decisions these two kids are making even when they are NOT the decisions you would make yourself (remember...other good decisions are worthy too). And most of all...remember that THEY are headed off to college soon, not you. Support them in their decisions but don't force YOUR decisions upon them. And ENJOY THEM BOTH!!!</p>

<p>Is it just me? Why do so many seem to silently agree 34 is not phenomenal?? Is this world gone completely nuts? Holy smokes! </p>

<p>And why would one assume that 'if one just studies more' they can get a higher score than 34? So in other words, these tests don't actually capture anything meaningful but how much one studied for them!? </p>

<p>I don't get it...</p>

<p>DadII-</p>

<p>I think it must be very frustrating to watch your D "blow off" things you believe will benefit her (and you) financially. If I were you I would:
1. Back off.....further interaction on this issue will only cause her to be more resistant and stubborn. I have 2 Ds (18 and 20), so believe me, I've been there!
2. Make it HER problem, not yours. Tell her what you can realistically pay.....past is past, and EVERYONE makes mistakes, but now it's time to make it right. Be CALM, and in a matter-of-fact voice say "I guess I've been hard on you because I made a mistake. Now that I've had the time to do the calculations, this is what I can pay. I would love for money not to be an issue, but unfortunately, it is, so you will need scholarships or loans to make up the difference. Let me know if you need any help, but I believe you are old enough to work it out, so I'm going to leave it up to you."</p>

<p>The WORST that can happen is that she doesn't get enough money and takes off a year. That wouldn't be so bad, especially if she doesn't know the value of a dollar. But hopefully, she will focus more on the scholarship applications because it is now her responsibility. Your position should remain calm and objective; remember, it's just a matter of computation, not intended to be punitive.</p>

<p>Good Luck.</p>

<p>"And remember, emotional blackmail doesn't work. The resentment that she will feel will last forever. Heal your relationship while you can...."</p>

<p>Great post anxiousmom</p>

<p>Dad11.......Keep it up and you'll end up with a daughter like some of my daughter's friends. They can't wait for breaks to be over because they detest being home---and that's if they even went home.</p>