I feel betrayed, parents please help

Parents Social Lounge
1

<p>I just want to say I am not very good at grammar.</p>

<p>So here is the situation, my only friend told me that we should be roommates next year off campus. I didn't hesitate even at though I can stay on campus all four year and the deadline was not up yet. Two week after the deadline was up, meaning I couldn't stay on campus any longer. He goes and tell me that his parents wanted him to live alone and that we couldn't be roommates. I was like "are you ****ing kidding me"? So I quickly got to work trying to find random roommates and a place to stay off campus. Today he come in barging into my room and he tell me that his parents no longer can afford for him to stay by himself so he going to roommate with my current roommate who is my sworn enemy. He goes in and make some excuse like "Oh I'm so sorry", "It just happen you know", "hey I can help you find a place off campus". He came in very nervous and felt really guilty and just try his best to find all sort of excuse. So first of all, he know I hate my current roommates and yet he is taking the easy way out and backstabbing me at the same time because his roommates already found a place with some other people who he doesn't know and he doesn't want to take in the same amount of effort with me to find a place off-campus. His words absolutely mean nothing now, the simply fact is he left me high and dry. There is nothing much worst than that, it three strike against him. The first time was by accident but this time it is permanent. I feel betrayed, I feel like I lost a friend.</p>

<p>How can you deal with your friend living with your sworn enemy, and how can you even deal with your friend being friend and hanging out with your sworn enemy or just someone who you truly hate? Now how can u deal with your friend (he call me his best friend) who decided to be your roommate's roommate over you? How would you feel, how should I feel. I don't even feel the need to have any energy to convince him otherwise, he had the chance to fix thing back the way they are, and he didn't.</p>

<p>With the hectic schedule next year and we are living very far apart, it is likely I won't see him much. I just feel betrayed and that his quick decision will have dire consequence with our friendship. In other word, I think I lost a friend, my only friend. </p>

<p>Parents, I need your help</p>

2

<p>He doesn’t sound like he was a real friend. Hurtful as his behavior has been, at least you know now not to count on him.</p>

<p>My suggestion is to find a way to live on campus because that will make it easier for you to find friends than living off campus would.</p>

<p>And know that you’re not alone in having the kind of roommate difficulties that you had. My S was rooming with 3 other students, who had agreed to room together on campus next year. The night before room selection, two of the roommates announced that they had decided to room together without S and the other roommate, which could have made it difficult or impossible for S and his roommate to get a room in the dorm that they all had planned to live in. Fortunately, S and his other roommate were able to find 2 others to room with.</p>

3

<p>Sounds like you need new friends.</p>

4

<p>Just shrug it off and move on - it is what it is.</p>

<p>Regarding him being friends with your ‘sworn enemy’ - well, just because you don’t like someone for whatever reason doesn’t mean everyone you’re friends with has to dislike whoever you dislike. By college age people should be past this kind of attitude.</p>

<p>Housing drama exists in college. My female kids say almost every female they know has gone through some housing drama. Guys usually aren’t as susceptible.</p>

<p>Again, forget the concept of ‘best friend’ and loyalties and just accept that whatever relationships you have are what they are. If you don’t like how your friend behaves then you can adjust your relationship to being more light and just a friendly basis with not so much ‘hanging out’ if you choose to. It sounds as if this guy was somewhat at the mercy of his parents if he’s telling it like it really was (and that’s not always the case - parents are often used as excuses and scapegoats - most of us volunteer for this). At least this guy came to you and felt bad and is trying to help you in some small way. That’s more than many would do. You can make of it what you want but these other people are free to lead their own lives. </p>

<p>Again, the best thing to do is just accept what the current state of the relationship is, drop the bitterness, learn from it, and move on from here.</p>

5

<p>I have no problem with your friend also being friends with your “sworn enemy.” You can’t control who your friend wants to be friends with. However, this guy doesn’t sound like much of a friend. Friends don’t leave friends high and dry. I’d look for new friends. I’d also call the housing office to see if there isn’t a way to get on-campus housing.</p>

6

<p>It sounds like two of you have different values as to what friendship means. Some people may not care, but I would be upset if my “best friend” thinks it’s ok to room with someone I really dislike. It is one thing if there was no choice (arranged by housing), but clearly your friend made that choice himself. Based on the fact you have different values, it would be hard for you to continue to be very good friends, but there is no reason to be cordial or friendly to each other.</p>

<p>To lose a friend is as painful as a breakup sometimes. You will get over it, but it is perfectly normal to feel betrayed and hurt.</p>

7

<p>Your only friend?</p>

<p>I think the problem is that you need more than one friend.</p>

8

<p>Contact housing and see if you can still stay on campus! You might get lucky!</p>

9

<p>I agree with contacting housing. I also agree with moving on in the friendship department. If this is your “only friend,” I suggest a visit to your school’s counseling department when you get back. It sounds like you might need some support from a professional in finding your niche on campus & perhaps elsewhere. A good counselor can really help you sort things out.</p>

<p>In the meantime, find a place to live … and enjoy your summer.</p>

10

<p>your feelings of betrayal are understandable, and universal…we have all experienced something like this…two’s company, three is a crowd…and you are left out of the friendship decision…and it feels bad to be dismissed and to have your best interests not considered.</p>

<p>But I am concerned that you polarize too much and that you view anyone as a “sworn enemy”…just too much drama, and others will avoid someone who is too dependent on them…it is unfair to expect allegience from people your age in all things or to expect them to follow your negative feelings about someone else…</p>

<p>I agree with kelsmom that if you need some perspective so you can build a wider circle of friends…a few visits with the campus counselor could help you. You speak more than one language and you have crossed to more than one culture, and I take my hat off to you for bravery in that, but don’t let another school year drift by with few friends…talk to someone on campus in counseling and find some small ways to build a wider support group…you deserve good friends and you must also learn how to be a good friend to more people, too. </p>

<p>A certain amount of loneliness is normal at this point in life. Many of us discovered that our first college friends were not the ones who lasted…someone you have not noticed yet could be the real next new friend in your life. Stay open and try not to judge others too harshly…this friendship doesn’t have legs for you, so you must release it and try to open your mind and heart others around you. Start with the housing office. See if they might be able to let you back in the dorms for instance when someone else drops out this summer.</p>

<p>Try to be “disappointed and let down” by this friend, rather than “back-stabbed” and abandoned. Even the words you use in your own mind will affect you. He is not the only friend you will have (obviously!) since he has been completely inconsiderate. He is someone who you hung out with who didn’t turn out to be a lifelong friend. </p>

<p>if this feels like a 10 in hurt feelings to you today, try hard to make it ratchet back to a 6 …and to think positively about yourself…</p>

<p>Keep a good opinion of yourself…a good steady faith in yourself and try to have a high opinion of most people you meet…this is a basic foundation for making friends…</p>

<p>it is better that you tried to be in this friendship and were hurt and disappointed than than to have never tried and risked…just like in dating…but move on, just as you would if your relationship with a GF you liked went south and quit working out…</p>

11

<p>Thank you parents for all your helpful advice and suggestion as always. It always good to have someone lend an ear.</p>

<p>This feeling hurt because he is not just some guy, he is a good friend. He has a lot of the quality that you look for in a good friend. Up to this point, I am still shock that he would do this to me. Right now I have not ignore or put up any attitude against him, I don’t even know what to think. </p>

<p>I wish I was lucky if I can stay on campus, but even so I have already told my FAFSA than I am living off campus, so I would get less money. And if I do somehow manage to describe to them my situation, the past 2 year on campus for me is a nightmare. I don’t make any friends on campus, beside him I still haven’t. It not like this whole lucky thing could make me friends, I have horrible memories off my first year living in the dorm, and a horrible memory of my second year living in the dorm and apartment.</p>

<p>I wish I knew how I should react right now, usually I am in a angry but silent mood, but anger doesn’t help in the long run, but if I continue that everything is fine, deep down in my mind, my conscience does not think it is fine. I still feel angry, and I don’t know what to think of this. My current roommate who I dislike so very much became friend with my friend when he come over and they hit it off from there. I guess half the problem was my fault, and ever since then, for some reason he hang with my roommate more than me, and now I find out he is living with my roommate instead of me? If I can’t use the word “betrayal”, then I don’t know when to use that word.</p>

<p>I don’t know what to think, I need a drink.</p>

12

<p>I hate to say it…but if you had trouble making friends ON campus, it won’t be easier OFF campus. Agreed with others…you need to sort out what YOU can do about your life. Surely your college has some club or group which is in an area of interest to you. Join that and meet some people. Volunteer to help folks less fortunate than you are. </p>

<p>And stop drinking and get your self some help.</p>

13

<p>collegeboi, I think many people have bad stories to tell about first or second year in a dorm —that are only funny many years later.<br>
I think your feelings of being angry and vulnerable and not supported enough came before your friend treated you so carelessly…that is where you need to look…why am I feeling so vulerable so that one person can upset my sense of security so very much.</p>

<p>You use the word “horrible.” Just like words “back-stabbing” and “sworn enemy”</p>

<p>You may not realize that these words are just too intense for others to cope with…your feelings are very intense which tells me you need more support, more peace and more moderation in your life. It is hard to ask for support, but you are in need of an ear somewhere on your campus… </p>

<p>You cannot change your friend or undo his rejecting and careless behavior.</p>

<p>But you don’t have to let his hurting your feelings define your life for much time. </p>

<p>Your life is a precious great thing and it is a big wide world out there with many good people in it you haven’t met yet. You need to believe in yourself and in the fact that you will find your circle of friends in life.</p>

<p>You can work on finding support for yourself…everyone needs it during rough patches in life…everyone. You can work on building up more community for yourself so that you don’t feel your well being and personal identity can be damaged when one friendship founders…these tasks are important to your health and soulfulness in life…as important as the college classes you are taking…</p>

<p>If your son was experiencing this today, what would you say to him, how would you comfort and advise him, as a father of a college student?<br>
Do for yourself…what a good parent would say to advise you–do it for yourself. </p>

<p>I think we parents often forget how hard it is to be your age and to have relationships…both same sex and opposite sex friendships fail or end up with rejection or hurt…but many of us have experienced rejection, and lived through it. </p>

<p>so you must take out the time now to look at why you feel so vulnerable…I am sure there are good reasons you feel you do not have enough support. Everyone needs to be able to pick up a phone and get some sympathy and advice sometimes. who do you call? </p>

<p>I would urge you to call someone on campus. The campus counselor may have ideas as I am sure they don’t want a student living solo off campus whose friend pulled out of the plan…this sort of thing happens, and perhaps there is help for you re housing that you don’t know about. </p>

<p>You can’t change what your friend did, you can only change how you react…his behavior does not define you…</p>

<p>Figuring out how to build up your own friendship circle in life is very hard at times…hang in there…get some help for your distressed feelings, and respect and care for yourself.</p>

14

<p>You can make corrections to your FAFSA. We had to do it last year.</p>

15

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<p>I think you need to calm down and think about this rationally. Your friend has a right to any relationship he chooses, same as you do. I think he was trying to let you down gently, albeit a bit clumsily. Your attitude seems very controlling and insecue. That alone puts people off and I would suggest coming to terms with it now.</p>

<p>My D has a group of friends, two of whom are attending the same school next year. Despite her advice to room separately, they initially decided to room together. One of them, though, is quite “clingy” to the extent that, although she’s fairly outgoing and personable, others often shy away from her so they don’t feel trapped or smothered. To make a long story short, she quickly wore out her friendship with the other girl by being controlling and possessive and they will not be rooming together next year. The rest of the friends tend not to invite her to hang out with them much, simply so she won’t get too attached to them. D doesn’t like to exclude anyone and has tried to talk to her about this, but the light hasn’t gone on yet. Could this be you?</p>

16

<p>There are indications in your posts that you could benefit from counseling.</p>

<p>Having a roommate who’s a “sworn enemy” is one. Unless your roommate has done something heinous, your reaction may be over the top. S had a freshman year roommate who had nothing in common with son, left stinky clothes in a huge pile on the floor for weeks, and had sex with women while S was attempting to sleep. The roommate was inconsiderate and crude. S didn’t like the roommate, but didn’t consider the roommate his “sworn enemy”.</p>

<p>What did your roommate do that has made you consider that person your enemy?</p>

<p>The fact, too, that you have only one friend is another reason to seek counseling as is what you said here: “sually I am in a angry but silent mood, but anger doesn’t help in the long run.” Constant anger – particularly in males – can be a symptom of depression. Even if a person is quiet with their anger, it is something that puts people off.</p>

<p>Read sk8rmom’s post with an open mind.I agree with her that you could be insecure and controlling and be putting people off for those reasons.</p>